My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 04:38 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I think he said no.
Fair enough. Still, I keep coming back to this...

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BTW, is OM married? Apologies if you've already mentioned that.

Either way, don't take your wife's word for it. Find out who he is, where he lives, whether or not he's married, etc.

And, if he is married, expose the affair to his wife.



Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #107 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 05:21 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Grid, when you really break it down, there are only three real options here.

1) She can go NC with the OM and put in a good effort to see if the M can be saved.
2) She can leave the marriage and explore her relationship with the OM.
3) She can have the OM and you indefinitely.

You control option 3. Don't take too long in counseling to make a decision about letting her go.

Continue to work on yourself vigorously. That's never a bad choice. It's always about you in the end with whatever happens in life.

Best wishes to you and your family.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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Last edited by anchorwatch; 07-13-2015 at 05:44 PM. Reason: big fingers, little tablet
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post #108 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 05:28 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Still think he need's to punt her cheating a$$ to the curb, with papers attached. Then see if the fog lifts...
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post #109 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 05:33 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

But, hey, he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do.


Just hope he doesn't become another TAM burn victim.
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post #110 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 05:51 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Grid is not looking for advice.

He is just looking for a place to "vent."

Nothing wrong with that. Vent away. Let it all out. But be clear what your intentions are so people don't waste ENDLESS hours (typing advice online) trying to help you fix this mess.

Grid, when this debacle is all over, come back and we'll tell you what you REALLY need to do....... again.

Since you aren't listening at all.

Best of luck to you and your straying wife.

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
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post #111 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 06:10 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

It's only been 3 days since his opening post. Give the fellow some time.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #112 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

No updates from me today. Both myself and my wife have talked to a bunch of people today, She went to our marriage councilor alone. I spoke with a woman at her church that she has deep respect for that is meeting with my wife this coming Wednesday. We both told my wife's sister whats going on and individually spoke to her. My wife's sister is in a very very similar situation with her husband who treats her more or less the same way I've treated my wife up to this point. My wife and her sister are two pea's in a pod, and in speaking to my sister in law, because she is going through the same thing, it's almost as if I am talking to my wife from outside of the situation without all the messed up feelings.

I didnt go hard at her today because quite honestly I still dont want to be that aggressive assh*le that she complained about in the first place.

Like someone said above, it's only been a couple of days, in fact not even a week since the cheat happened. We are both venting, headless people in a topless orbit. Stay tuned and thanks again

Last edited by gridcom; 07-13-2015 at 07:09 PM.
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post #113 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 07:12 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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No updates from me today. Both myself and my wife have talked to a bunch of people today, She went to our marriage councilor alone. I spoke with a woman at her church that she has deep respect for that is meeting with my wife this coming Wednesday. We both told my wife's sister whats going on and individually spoke to her. My wife's sister is in a very very similar situation with her husband who treats her more or less the same way I've treated my wife up to this point. My wife and her sister are two pea's in a pod, and in speaking to my sister in law, because she is going through the same thing, it's almost as if I am talking to my wife from outside of the situation without all the messed up feelings.

I didnt go hard at her today because quite honestly I still dont want to be that aggressive assh*le that she complained about in the first place.

Like someone said above, it's only been a couple of days, in fact not even a week since the cheat happened. We are both venting, headless people in a topless orbit. Stay tuned and thanks again
FWIW, if you honestly believe that your WW has been in a relationship w/ her co-worker for a year and has only recently physically cheated, you're waaaaay behind the curve.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #114 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 07:26 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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I didnt go hard at her today because quite honestly I still dont want to be that aggressive assh*le that she complained about in the first place.
Aggression is usually more about trying to control the other person rather than defending boundaries. So I agree that you should not be an aggressive assh*le. The way it works best is for you to decide and voice what you're willing to try what you're willing to accept and not accept. Then she can choose to try on your terms or not. No aggression necessary but you have to accept that you only control how you react and not what others do.
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post #115 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 07:36 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Like someone said above, it's only been a couple of days, in fact not even a week since the cheat happened. We are both venting, headless people in a topless orbit. Stay tuned and thanks again
In your own time, Grid...


"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #116 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 02:27 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

you are in panic mode mode and are totally talking out of you arse...

Your current approach is even more damaging to saving your marriage..there is going to be a lot more pain for you..
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post #117 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 02:28 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Tonight was not a good night. After all of your advice tonight, I once again ignored it all and tried to reason with her that giving this marriage every last chance to work was the only proper solution. She's not having it and during the conversation you could clearly tell she was coming from a place of great anger and vindictiveness. She admitted that she was trying to hurt me by being so open about the affair, hoping to "send me over the edge" and act promptly in anger.

Again, I know you all have really heard enough about this, but I am really trying to do the right thing for my children. To me, it's them first. It really is. This move will devistate them both emotionally and functionally. They will grow up poor kids in a rich town. We are already pretty much on the low end of finances in a financially viable community and cannot afford many things that our childrens peers have, and this is only going to make it way worse.

Tonight it was clear to me that my wife is in a real dark place, not just with me but in her life. I am the cause of this. I let her down. I didnt give this woman the love she deserved, All true. But, she is coming from a real dark place, a vengeful place, an unhealthy place, and a place that is ultimately going to harm my children. I CANNOT SIT BACK AND WATCH THIS HAPPEN AND DO NOTHING. It sucks that I have to cause more chaos in a chaotic situation. That does not generate love and kindness and caring, three things that I lack that I am trying to find in my life. I am absolutely gutted that my plan will not work; trying to nice her back into at least giving the marriage another chance.

Tomorrow it's on.

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post #118 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 04:08 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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QFT.

We all tried.

Catching the cheater:
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post #119 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 06:09 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

OP,
I ask this with all the sincerity that I possess and with as much logic as I can introduce and with absolutely no intention of being obnoxious nor malicious so understand that. Also, I do not believe profanity is necessary and I tend to avoid it but I wanted to use your words verbatim. What is the difference between an "aggressive assh*ole" and a cheating assh*ole?

Peace and long life
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post #120 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 03:27 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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OP,
I ask this with all the sincerity that I possess and with as much logic as I can introduce and with absolutely no intention of being obnoxious nor malicious so understand that. Also, I do not believe profanity is necessary and I tend to avoid it but I wanted to use your words verbatim. What is the difference between an "aggressive assh*ole" and a cheating assh*ole?
The size of the hole
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