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My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

891K views 5K replies 173 participants last post by  gridcom 
#1 ·
Hi all. I am suddenly faced with the news that my wife just this week got intimate with a co-worker who she claims she has been in love with for a year unbeknownst to me. We have been together 19 years, and married for 13 years. We have two girls, ages 10 and 5. She wants this marriage to end so she can "follow her heart" and pursue a new life with this man. She admits her desire for this is so strong that it comes before all the obvious consequences.
I, of course, am devastated. Unfortunately, I cannot claim to be the best husband or a victim. I have taken much of this marriage for granted and although I have never strayed myself and have scored highly when it comes to being a provider, friend and father, when it comes to being a partner I admittedly have failed. I do love my wife very much and I am sure that I have my own emotional issues that have never been addressed. She has been the giver and I have been the taker and now, of course, I'm consumed with regret and fear. I am also dwelling on the negative side of me. I think there is a caring and loving side of me (towards her) that is being buried right now.

I have reached out to a number of therapists. I have yet to talk to one. I feel we need to talk to someone right away. I am not sure why I feel that it needs to be right away, other than I feel that her taking it to a physical level this week has greatly accelerated these feelings and she admits that she cannot help herself. Her mood and demeanor has shifted a few times over the course of this week, from agreeing to end it with this man and work towards therapy both as a couple and individually (for me) to the total opposite where she is trying to provoke me into losing my sh*t by telling me in every way how this love is for real and there is no coming back from it. Of course, I want to explore every last option.

This sucks in every way. Maybe you all can help
 
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#2 ·
Is this co-worker married?

If so, you need to expose the affair to her. And to all your family members (not the kids quite yet) and friends.

Your wife is deep in the Affair Fog, but not deep enough that she isn't at least considering an R. She may be doing that because she's unsure of her AP's long-term availability, which hints to me he may be married, or much younger, or something. And that you're her Plan B. You also can't know for sure that the PA only just started. Cheaters will say anything - i.e.,will shamelessly lie - to justify the terrible thing they deep down know they've done.

Very sorry you're here and yet another member of the club I also never expected or wanted to join.
 
#3 ·
Give her what she wants. Let her go. Don't be mean, don't beg, don't follow her around like a lost pup. Let her go.

Use her fog to get the best divorce settlement from her that you can. Be amicable...see a lawyer and draw up the papers, expose her affair to family and friends, then do the 180.


Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
 
#5 ·
give her what she wants. Let her go. Don't be mean, don't beg, don't follow her around like a lost pup. Let her go.

Use her fog to get the best divorce settlement from her that you can. Be amicable...see a lawyer and draw up the papers, expose her affair to family and friends, then do the 180.


many bs's are urged to go no contact with their ws after all else has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


for those that are interested in michelle weiner davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "i love you".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ask nothing.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling today, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
181 find out if co-workers wife is hot you might get a shania twain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
#4 ·
She's in the affair fog right now.

I don't have good advice, because this is not my area of expertise. But there are lots of people on TAM who can give you good advice. You should check out the "Coping with Infidelity" section--you'll find lots of good advice givers there. You might want to ask a mod to move your thread to that section--you'll get a lot more response there.

Good luck!
 
#6 ·
The strong move right now is to immediately file for divorce. And expose widely to her family and respected friends. This has the highest probability of breaking her affair.

Also, you stand to get the best custody and monetary settlement from a divorce if you do it quickly. If she doesn't come out of the fog, and if the divorce goes through quickly, she is likely to give in easily.

You can always give her more than the court requires, if you want. So if you get a really good settlement now you can always give more later. But if you get screwed in court, you can never give less!
 
#32 ·
This.

If you want her back, YOU MUST EXPOSE the affair to her parents, her siblings, her best friend, and her pastor, if applicable. She will NEVER STOP CHEATING if you don't expose.

That's not a guarantee that she will come back to you, but the single best chance to stop an affair is to shine light on it to her VIPs, the people whose respect she craves. Seeing them KNOWING what she's doing is the strongest way to stop it.

The second strongest way to stop it is to immediately file, REFUSE to be her 'friend,' and let her see you cutting off all ties with her; i.e., kicking her out in the dust. A wakeup call, if you will.
 
#8 ·
At the very least you need to talk to an attorney right now, today. Find out how things work where you live for people in your circumstances. Custody, alimony, child support, division of assets, any pensions, retirement accounts, inheritances, etc.

Find out if infidelity or fault are an issue in any way, especially for alimony.

In some places, if you have sex with her after finding out about the affair it is seen by the court as forgiveness. This could mean you pay her alimony forever! So do not have sex with her until you talk to an attorney.

Get yourself tested for the full array of sexually transmitted diseases. I suggest you go to your county health department or other specialty clinic rather than your primary care doc. Some you can't get reliable results for 90 days, e.g. herpes and HIV. You'll also want to go back after 6 months to have those 2 repeated just to make sure.
 
#9 ·
Gridcom, we've seen many many situations like yours here. Please seriously consider the advice you receive even if it seems harsh. Go to the Coping With Infidelity forum and browse a bit.

A few quick pointers:

1) You cannot "Nice" her into coming back or loving you. Now is not the time to be more loving, attentive, or do more chores around the house.

2) Both spouses are always imperfect, but only the cheater is responsible for the cheating. Yes, you have likely made mistakes in your marriage. You can certainly look at yourself and try to improve yourself in the future. But never ever blame yourself for you wife choosing to cheat. She could have, and was obligated to, come to you a year ago to say she was having issues with the marriage. If you were so terrible as a husband, she could have and should have divorced you. But instead she chose to cheat. She could have and should have detected she was developing an emotional attachment to someone else, and she should have stopped herself from getting in any deeper.

3) Exposure of the affair takes away the fun and naughty aspect of it. Exposure is one good tool for breaking the affair. Exposure is not for retaliation or humiliation, but to try to break the affair.

4) If the OM is married, let his wife know. She deserves to know what is going on.

5) Consider gathering intel. Keylog the computer, gather phone records, gather credit card and debit card records, etc. Document what has been going on. Consider putting a VAR in her car or where she may make calls in the house. This data is not for court nor for public dissemination to family or friends. It is so you can know the extent of what is going on. See next item...

6) You cannot believe anything she tells you now. Cheaters will frequently deny, minimize, and gaslight. The fact she admits things to you is quite rare. After confronted with proof, most cheaters say they have ended the affair but they take it underground. Beware of this with your wife. There is likely far far more to the story already than you know. In the future you have to verify everything yourself. Don't believe her stories.
 
#10 ·
Your W's decision to have an affair is ALL on her, do not accept any blame or responsibility for her actions.

Yes, she's in an affair fog but right now you are in the betrayed spouse smog. Do not let her rewrite history (tell you that she has been miserable for the past 18 months or whatever, despite you have family photos from a wonderful vacation just this past winter etc).

Yes you were both unsatisfied with unfulfilled needs, but she is the one that chose to seek to have them fulfilled by someone outside the marriage.

Do like others are suggesting (do not beg, plead or accept blame for her choice) instead go quiet, observe and watch but don't speak - bust up her affair by exposing it to her parents, friends, co-workers whoever would take an interest in helping hold her accountable to her vows. If she was unhappy she had plenty of time to figure out how to make it work within the marriage or at the least end it before jumping in bed with some other guy.

You are getting good advice on here already so I'll just say that I'm in complete agreement with Thor and Bandit, and suggest following that advice.
 
#11 ·
Hi all. I am suddenly faced with the news that my wife just this week got intimate with a co-worker who she claims she has been in love with for a year unbeknownst to me. We have been together 19 years, and married for 13 years. We have two girls, ages 10 and 5. She wants this marriage to end so she can "follow her heart" and pursue a new life with this man. She admits her desire for this is so strong that it comes before all the obvious consequences.
I, of course, am devastated. Unfortunately, I cannot claim to be the best husband or a victim. I have taken much of this marriage for granted and although I have never strayed myself and have scored highly when it comes to being a provider, friend and father, when it comes to being a partner I admittedly have failed. I do love my wife very much and I am sure that I have my own emotional issues that have never been addressed. She has been the giver and I have been the taker and now, of course, I'm consumed with regret and fear. I am also dwelling on the negative side of me. I think there is a caring and loving side of me (towards her) that is being buried right now.

I have reached out to a number of therapists. I have yet to talk to one. I feel we need to talk to someone right away. I am not sure why I feel that it needs to be right away, other than I feel that her taking it to a physical level this week has greatly accelerated these feelings and she admits that she cannot help herself. Her mood and demeanor has shifted a few times over the course of this week, from agreeing to end it with this man and work towards therapy both as a couple and individually (for me) to the total opposite where she is trying to provoke me into losing my sh*t by telling me in every way how this love is for real and there is no coming back from it. Of course, I want to explore every last option.

This sucks in every way. Maybe you all can help
Your only good move is to allow her to "follow her heart" -and then live with the consequences. We all know the road her "heart" has her on is a dead end....Protect yourself, your children and your assets immediately. Get an attorney, get the ball rolling. She is only gonna be in this fog for so long -then she's gonna turn mean -very mean and nasty and many of her decisions (asinine as they are) are going to be laid at your feet.

Strike while the fog is thick -to protect your family. Once it's all said and done and final -if you want her back -I'm sure you could have her...(if you'd want her).
 
#12 ·
Thanks all, I guess. I'll be honest I am shocked by these responses, and perhaps in denial. I need you all to know that I have done some crummy things, mainly being a self absorbed jerk. Just jerky things. Being a ****, basically. She has warned me that she was at the end of her rope MANY times, but I was in denial about that until this week. The end of her rope comments, the occasional "we're done" comments, would always be at the end of a fight. We are both Italian and raised Italian and to me, you fight, you get it out, and it's over. Again, I've done some ****ty things. We fought in March and it was a bad one (over total nonsense, but we're both pretty stubborn) and my reaction was to tell her I was going to see a lawyer when I never went and saw a lawyer. Shameful petty ****. See? I told you this isnt all on her. I know I am coming down hard on myself, and at my core I am a good, caring guy. I'm emotional and have great care and, again in my defense, am a terrific husband in many ways. Certainly a terrific father.


Now, the cut is deep and my reaction to it has been exactly what you all have told me not to do. Unbelieveable regret and yearning to "make it up to her", to head dive into therapy to fix whatever it is inside me that not only makes me a ****, but why I cant see it while it's happening. In many ways, I am a very introverted person when it comes to these matters. I am weirdly emotional and thus I try and hide my flaws from others (as I have known they exist but never sought out why). I feel like I want to tell our loved ones that I am the one who is flawed and ask them for guidance and encouragment and to root for me while I get to the bottom of it and become the husband that she has wanted me to be.

And I am reading that I need to go to a lawyer and beat her to the punch and get tested for STD's and all this and that, and as you can imagine my reaction is simply "No! we can overcome this!" Our children, our two amazing daughters, would be devastated beyond belief. Even if it was her straw that broke the camels back, they'd never forgive me, because, say what you will, I 100% feel at fault. I took her for granted and now I got burned

You need to know that

I dont think the man in question is married, but I'd imagine he's younger. I dont know anything about him and dont want to know. I just want him to go away.

Thank you all. It feels good just to write. I am a mess right now.
 
#13 ·
Of course you can overcome this, grid com. I think it is very promising that you already see your own hand in your troubles.

I will post a link shortly that will show you how. Just have to get to a PC.

It is going to be okay. You can change, and earn back her trust. :)
 
#14 ·
The problem, right now, is not whether you are a nice guy or deserve to be married to anyone, the problem right now is your wife is in an affair. And not is she just in an affair and you are losing her, she actively did this behind your back knowing full well it is wrong. The reason you are being advised to get counselling now is because whether you admit it or not you are in a crisis, and that is what counsellors are there for (to help you do what you believe is right when your bearings have been messed with).
 
#16 ·
#18 ·
Your wife will respect you if you stand up for your marriage.

Tell her you know you have been an '*ss' but that doesn't excuse her cheating. Tell her that unless she agrees to end the affair and go to counseling with you, you will be filing for divorce.

I am thinking she will tell you she is done with you.

Then you need to act. File for divorce. Do the 180.

If you beg and wine and plead she will lose respect and attraction for you. You need to be strong and show her that you won't tolerate her cheating.

It is very important that you tell everyone what is going on. Tell his wife if he is married. Tell her parents. Get this affair out in the open. Affairs typically lose a bunch of the excitement once it is out in the open. If this guy is married, then he might very well choose his family over your wife. He might have been using your wife and never planned on giving up his marriage for her.
 
#24 ·
Thank you guys for all of these comments. I am going to continue to post here. The JLD post of Reconciliation with a hardened wife (link above) was the absolute best thing I've read and I'm not even a believer in a specific God. I found comfort in that article and JLD I thank you for posting it. We are actually going to see a Marriage Councilor tonight and honestly while it's 10 years overdue, at the same time it's not too late. Despite all of the instruction to act hard and fast with a lawyer, I am going to chose to generate love between myself and my wife. Roll your eyes, go ahead. Maybe your right. I love my wife.
 
#31 ·
I tried to nice my wayward husband back when I first found out about his OW. Took full responsibility for his cheating at first, even apologized to him for being the sh!tty wife he never once told me I was until after I found out. Didn't work. Ended up hating myself for it. Had I told everyone the truth as soon as I found out about it, I would have at least ended that affair. They all know the truth now and are disgusted by his behavior and have told him so, but it's too late. I didn't find TAM in time. Their bond just got stronger because I let it.

I hope your wife is truly committed to reconciling with you. But I'll say again that she seems unsure of the AP's long-term intentions. If she doesn't tell you who he is, and if she is not willing to go 100% No Contact with him, you have an underground affair on your hands. She will continue to see him but will just get sneakier about it. You will be her Plan B, in case he doesn't work out because he chooses to stay with his wife or fiancée or partner, or because he's much younger and really wasn't looking for a long-term commitment with a divorced woman with kids.

I hope I'm wrong. But please make sure you know exactly who he is, what his story is, and that you get assurance there is absolutely no further contact. Any counselor worth their salt will advise the same. If you're unwilling to demand this of her, or if you're willing to accept her not giving you this, you're fooling yourself. And jeopardizing your kids' and your own future.
 
#25 ·
Most of the people on this board say to anyone who's spouse has an affair to a 180 and divorce so don't be too surprised at the responses. I think your marriage can be saved especially since you admit you haven't been a good husband and want to change to keep your family together.

It won't work unless she wants it to work and the first step is for her to stop seeing this man. If she won't then your marriage can't be saved and don't just go by her saying she isn't seeing him anymore. She needs to find another job so they are not in contact with each other anymore. Good luck I hope she does give you another chance and comes back to you.
 
#33 ·
Most of the people on this board say to anyone who's spouse has an affair to a 180 and divorce so don't be too surprised at the responses. I think your marriage can be saved especially since you admit you haven't been a good husband and want to change to keep your family together.

It won't work unless she wants it to work and the first step is for her to stop seeing this man.
Which is why you MUST expose the affair. She will never give him up unless staying with him brings her too much grief and shame.

And please understand most women can love only one man at a time. She gave up on you, found a 'new' man who she could love, and THEN committed to leaving you. Remember that.

For her to then give up on HIM, she has to have a reason.
 
#28 ·
If not going for divorce, then the resource from jld is quite useful but you can't let her off the hook for fvcking another man and putting her crotch above the well being of her marriage and children.

You are not responsible for her disgusting behavior.

You are responsible for your part in the poor state of your marriage.

She has to switch jobs immediately.

If she doesn't go no contact right away, you are wasting your efforts because the other man will keep fvcking your wife like a cheap piece.

If reconciliation isn't going to work, take advantage of her stupidity and get a favorable divorce like bandit said.

If she doesn't fully face the ugly woman she has become here you two won't be able to face and work through your marital issues.

Her infidelity needs dealt with as her own issue. You didn't make her stop caring about the welfare of her children over pleasuring herself with another penis.

If she won't stop immediately, quit her job and deal with her infidelity as her vile choice, then you are whistling in the wind if you think your marriage has a chance.

It takes two and when one of you is fvcking an idiot, you, needless to say, have no hope of repairing your marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#29 ·
P.S. Might want to check if she is pregnant, affair sex is often unprotected because people who cheat are usually being pretty damned stupid. Get her to have a full STD test as well as you. Morons that bang married women aren't exactly upstanding citizens and who knows where he has been sticking his penis besides your wife.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#30 ·
Jld's approach is really solid, once she's out of the affair. MC is worthless when someone is in an active affair. . You can't compete with the high of a new, illicit relationship. You are basically dealing with an addict, and begging, reasoning, will only work against you.

You don't want to file D, but you need to fight for the marriage. Something between the nuclear option and degrading yourself is called for.

Suggested actions:

1. Investigate. Check out @weightlifters standard evidence thread. Find out who the OM is.
2. Apologize once for your contributions to the marital problems. Do not let her blame you in any way for her decision to destroy the M and family.
3. Expose to family and close friends. Not in a vindictive way, but asking for help and support. She will be furious and tell you that there is no chance for R now. This is important, it will kill the fun of the new relationship.
4. Expose to the POSOM's wife if he's married. If he's not, expose to his family.
5. Look into the 180 and live it. It will help you keep your sanity.
6. Lift weights. A lot.
7. See a lawyer to understand your rights.
8. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder). She may try to accuse you of domestic violence and have you removed. Our society will take her word over yours. She'll be a victim, you'll be a monster. Even if it's illegal in your state, better to have that evidence and protect yourself.
9. Don't tell her any of this before you do it.
 
#56 ·
Jld's approach is really solid, once she's out of the affair. MC is worthless when someone is in an active affair. . You can't compete with the high of a new, illicit relationship. You are basically dealing with an addict, and begging, reasoning, will only work against you.
:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Save jld's link for if/when you get to the actual stage of reconciliation. Prior to that stage, following that advice will only make you look like a weak, whiny doormat.

The affair HAS to end. And you have to snap her back into reality. Reconciliation is only a pipe-dream as long as the other man is in the picture, or in her thoughts.
 
#34 · (Edited)
Hi everybody. Thanks for the communication. Some of it is still confusing to me, honestly. Some of it I read and I hate to read it. I feel like I am in a unique situation. I feel like her and I have always connected on a higher level, which is really narcissistic. If I read those last two sentences, not knowing the nuances or dynamics of the situation, I would be the first person saying "YOU ARE A DAMN FOOL".

I have really been consistently a shi**y partner for years, have taken her for granted for years. She has been my rock for years and I totally went about life assuming she would always be there and her "heart would never harden" to me. Some of you are really hard on her, and while I understand it from an outsiders perspective, I really let it happen. Unhappily married, tells her husband 100 different ways, he doesnt listen/doesnt think she's serious, she starts confiding in a co-worker and they start connecting. She starts to think there may be happiness elsewhere (because there's no happiness here), she makes a play for the guy, and it's reciprocated. Boom. I had it coming.

My reaction to this (i found out about the physical part of the affair less than an house after it happened) after the initial shock and sadness, I immediately started to understand that I was really a horrible husband. She has a catalogue of crappy behavior on my part, almost all of it just nitpicky poor bedside manner, ball busting, general lack of compassion and kindness. While I may have been loyal and worked hard for the family and actually have an unbelievable love for this woman, I never showed it for reasons I hope to get to the bottom to.

Anyway, I feel that I have done some tremendous things this week and if there was a perfect way to react, to demonstrate real remorse, to demonstrate real love for this woman, to do exactly the right things to demonstrate that I can in fact be humbled to my knees and almost be reborn, I have done it. I'm very proud of how I have reacted to all of this so far, with a compassion that I have chosen not to demonstrate in a very long time. I have spent this entire week taking stock of all the ways and habits that have led me to fail this woman, from being overworked to always reacting to her cry's by ether not listening to her, being in denial about what she was asking for, or telling her she was to blame for whatever trival issue we were arguing about. I also began to recognize that if I really wanted to be a better man, I was going to need to humble myself to some people close to me by basically telling them that I was a poor husband and sometimes just a real jerk in general and opening up to people in a way I never have, in hopes that some of the right people would care enough to be good council to me and/or at least cheer me on as I begin this quest to be a better man. I am actually trying to look at this act of her cheating and falling for another man as a blessing. I feel that if she never did this, if this never happened, she would have went the rest of her life being unfulfilled, as by simply asking me to change wouldnt have been enough (because it wasnt in the past). It also enabled me to stop the the zombie like life I was living; work, work, work, while she was the homemakers/roommate/mother of my children/sex partner and REALLY take a moment (so far a week) and take an assesment of my 43 years on the planet, my level of happiness, and what I ultimately wanted in the end. I heard a term sometime ago that nobody on their deathbed says that they wish they could have worked harder, and even though it's not new to me, I've been thinking about that a lot. I complain to my wife about my life passing before my eyes, about how times is flying faster and faster, yet I can spend literally 14 hours a day working more often than not. I hope through all of this you can at least understand the underlinings of why it went down the way it did. And you can say she had a real crummy way of going about it, but any other way wouldnt have jolted me the way this has jolted me. No other way would have cut this deep.

We went to one session of marriage therapy, and I came out of it with a lot of hope for myself specifically. I felt we were fortunate enough to find a therapist who we'd think was good for us, and so far I feel like we have. She goes to see him alone tomorrow and I go alone on Wednesday. There are some emotional hangups I've had for my whole life that I think contibute to my creating distance on purpose between myself and those I love the most. I am going to pay $270 a session to get to the bottom of it :)

Another thing that has happened is that my wife and I have existed with her being a life long believer in God and follower of her faith, and I am simply agnostic. I have decided this week that I am going to go to church with her and the kids starting next week; not because I'm going to cult myself into believing in God, but because there is a community of people there that are actually HER rock, while she was MY rock. I think I can look past all the God in heaven, everybody in white robes floating around with loved ones in a state of forever bliss and take out of it the support she gets. My whole life right now is surrounded by work/business relationships, a few lifelong friends, and my wife. I keep my circle small and I dont think that's been to my benefit.

We actually went on a date last night, initiated by me and she was cool with it. We spoke about our issues on our way to visit friends of ours who's marriage we admire and were looking for some inspiration, then went to a bar and saw a band, had a few drinks and laughs amd it was really natural and good and amazing that we are a week removed from such a heavy event. I called my friend this morning who we saw last night and told him what was happening, and he revealed to me that him and his wife dealt with strangely similar issues (with his wife in my role) and just finished two straight years marriage counciling. I was kind of blown away by this and it further solidified the idea that I need to not be so private about the s*it in my life, as nobody is perfect.

Meanwhile, my wife wants me to continue doing what I am doing but not obsess over it (as in, not write a novel on the Talkaboutmarriage website) and just focus on my plan. But, at the same time, she is strong in her feelings for this new man and while she has promised that she will cut out the physical part of their relationship, she wants to continue the communciation with him. Therein lies the current, most obvious problem with all of this. It's a roadblock in our rebuilding this thing but she steadfastly maintains that while I am doing all the right things and owning up to all of my past jerkiness and "coming to Jesus" (sorta), me losing her heart once and for all wasnt just a threat. If she had divorce papers right now, she'd sign them. She says she's thought it all the way through and every consequence be damned. And even with all of that, I am going to sit here and ride this out and continue to reverse the curse and call her a saint.

So, there's the latest. I'm sure you've never quite heard anything like it, but there is nobody like the two of us. We both agree we were made for each other.
 
#102 ·
So, there's the latest. I'm sure you've never quite heard anything like it, but there is nobody like the two of us. We both agree we were made for each other.
Oh yes, we've heard this many times here. It never works out the way the BS thinks it will. You're being played! Think of her as a drug addict. Her drug is brain chemicals making her high every time she gets a hit. The hit is when she sees him, talks to him, texts him, touches him, or even thinks of him.

Addicts do and say anything to keep getting their high.

I promise you she is not committed to you or the marriage, at least not the way you are thinking of marriage. Guaranteed.

Sorry, but you're in a fog yourself.
 
#35 ·
Dude, no matter how much you want to take blame for your contribution to her cheating, once she DOES cheat, there is only one thing left to discuss: "I will not share my wife with another man."

And btw, you are NOT in a unique situation. She's a garden variety cheater and you're a garden variety doormat afraid to stand up for yourself. For every 5 men who come here with a cheating wife, at least 4 give the same story as you. All that telling yourself (and us) that you're unique and it will work out because you're unique will get you is divorced.
 
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