Please give advise-marriage help!!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-03-2011, 12:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Please give advise-marriage help!!

I have been married to my wife for 6 years now-a couple years ago i cheated on her-i didn't have sex with anyone else-just basically flirting online-but she found out. We were on the brink of divorce for a while, we have since decided that staying together is worth it and that we love each other.
The problem is that she is just not the same anymore-i try to flirt with her throughout the day like we used to, and be sexual with her all the time-she doesn't really open up-I want her to be sexual with me back.-it seems like she has shut down sexually-when we have sex, its really good and she orgasms just about every time-she says she loves me and its just going to take time to get things back to normal. Well its been like 5 years and she still seems the same-she is really insecure about herself and her body-even though she is gorgeous, she doesn't really know what to do when i compliment her-she said she just doesn't know what to say back to me. What are some recommendations to try to get her to open back up to me sexually-for her to be flirtatious again with me and open up to have fun.
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Old 07-03-2011, 01:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

try harder, i am guessing me and ur wife are at the same position, well atleast for me at the moment.i will ask u to please not to lose hope and have more patience, soon she'll give up.u know how girls are. try different ways to please her. with my own experience,when i found out my H is flirting while i am not around,i felt so ugly and zero. so just please have patience on trying to win her trust back.
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Old 07-03-2011, 03:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

It's going to take effort and time and more effort. You really need to understand that when you do something like that the confidence of the BS is knocked into oblivion. You may be telling her shes gorgeous, but she may be thinking that you're just saying it to make her feel better. And as for being insecure - you flirted with other women, how secure would you feel if she claimed attention from other men? And it doesn't really matter that it happened 2 years ago, the trust element has been shattered.
You broke it and you need to fix it. What's happening is completely normal.
Best wishes.
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Old 07-08-2011, 11:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

Thank You all for the answers-they make since and i think you guys are right-i will have to prove myself back to her-not just telling her she is beautiful is going to do it.
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Old 07-09-2011, 01:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

I know you won't like my answer but offer her a divorce. She doesn't deserve to be going to through this living hell of uncertainty caused by your cheating.

You devalued her as a woman, something that a true man never does to the woman he promised to love and cherish. She deserves better.
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

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Old 07-09-2011, 06:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

So what have YOU done to help repair the marriage, her self esteem and rebuild trust with her? Have you been really remorseful, or have you been sweeping it under the rug? She should be on the way to recovery unless haven't been doing the things you need to do.

It takes more than just complimenting her.
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Old 07-10-2011, 04:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

You are the spouse that crossed the line----you are the one that should be showing heavy remorse, be contrite, do all the heavy lifting

As was said above----compliments are just words----show some action---give her flowers, take her out on dates, cook a nice meal once a week for her---help her with the cleaning and the laundary----do whatever it takes to make her fall back in love with you

Have a good solid sit down with her, and talk about things----do you ever have face to face talks, where you get everything out----if not start doing so, and do it regularly

Remember----as far as you are concerned to her, you have no credibility in the trust dept.----IT IS UP TO YOU TO WIN HER BACK----spend MORE time winning her back, then you did cheating on her!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

Thanks jnj express, That was the best advise I think I've gotten. You are right-makes a lot of sense. Im currently away for a year with the military, but we Skype everyday and talk about everything. She is coming in 2 months to visit , when she comes i will put the things you said into practice by doing everything for her, try to fix her dinner and take her out to the nice restaurants here and to clubs, i will try to have stuff planned for everyday.
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

Ask her what you can do to make her feel better, tell her you want her to bne more sexual/flirty with you.

Do understand that you steppingn out on her made her feel insecure and prob manifests itself even now, years later.
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Old 07-10-2011, 01:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

It's difficult to maintain a strong, trusting relationship when one spouse is away in the military, even if there's been no cheating, so it makes a lot of sense that it's taking your wife longer to work through this. It's good that the two of you are able to Skype everyday, but o/c that doesn't even come close to being together. I can only imagine how hard it must be for your wife (& you) dealing w/the ramifications of your cheating while also having to be apart. I think it's going to take a lot more time still.

Very good suggestions in these posts. I'd like to add that you should be very specific. When you're giving your wife a compliment, don't just tell her she's beautiful. Tell her you love how she crinkles her nose when she laughs or how soft the skin on the curve of her hip is & how you miss touching it or whatever it is about HER that you find so beautiful, whatever it is that you notice when you look @ HER, what separates her from other women. If you are taking her out or buying flowers, put a lot of thought into personalizing what you're doing for her.

Good luck. Thank you very much for your service.
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Old 07-10-2011, 01:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please give advise-marriage help!!

I agree with moritori. Offer her a divorce. YOU DID NOT CHEAT ON HER! If you did then everyone else in the world has cheated on their SO. You apparently had no physical contact! Do you really think that when your SO masturbates she is thinking of you and only you, or here I like this one. I have been told by many women that they think of nothing while masturbating, "it is just the feeling". Well, I refuse to believe that any animal or person can think of nothing!!! The mind goes always, and if it is not functioning they are brain dead. My wife and daughter constantly comment how they would love certain actors like Johnny Depp, etc etc. Does that mean that they are cheating on me? Or are there other rules for actors?

Maybe you need to ask yourself why you were having this online session going anyway. When you find the answer to that, you may discover that you were missing something from your SO. In that case, do not put either of you through any more mental, physical, and spiritual torture (unless you like that), end the marriage so that both of you can move on to a more progressive and happier life. Your unhappiness also affects hers and your family and friends.

Do not rule out the fact that she herself feels remorse because she may have actually cheated and is just trying to shift the blame? Feeling remorse? I suggest ending the PAIN and SUFFERING, seems like you are getting nowhere! FIVE YEARS??????
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