Get a lawyer now. Many US states have a presumption of paternity law. A child concieved and born during the marriage is legally the husbands. A post birth dna test often does not negate this. You could be on the hook to raise this child. In your state, having had a vasectomy, you may not be liable, Lawyer up now.
This is a huge hot button for me. Never got 2nd child dna tested...and i was clueles. Divorced now. Posted via Mobile Device
Go to the link below my signature. It has a lot of good information for fathers with regards to divorce.
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women are driven by hypergamy. They seek alpha and it doesnt matter if they are married or not. The minute the husband becomes less in their eyes they will find someone who will. You have one option in this scenerio. You can be the alpha or you can be the beta that provides for his wife while she is out riding alpha c*ck. The only way to be alpha in this situation is to walk. YES I SAID WALK. IF you dont want to move on atleast make it look like you are. She is disrespecting the sh*t out of you it is not even funny. The fact that she hurt oyu with this guy once already and you trusted her not do anything with him is a slap in the face ON PURPOSE. The specificity of this trust violation is a big deal. She went to the one guy she swore she would stay away from and let him blow his load in her. She didnt even have the decency to make him use a condom. She didnt even respect you enought to go to wal mart to buy a plan b pill the next day. That would have taken 10 minutes and 40 dollars. You say he is a dirtbag and but she letting him toss her around and put her off until the weekend while you are the one suffering. And you say she is out partying all time? Your conditions should be abortion and alcohol rehab AT A MINIMUM... if she she even wants 5 more minutes with you in her life. your about 2 inches tall in her world and you need to change that by being a 100 feet tall in your world...
your playing this all wrong and if you give in just to be with her you will regret it so much in the future, I promise.
Like you mention before, let the dust settle, as the dust settles so will your emotions. One way or another you will find a way through this.
I suggest you prepare for the worst, I have a feeling your wife is not much into consequences so there is a a strong chance that she will keep this bastard child and you will kicking her out.
As much as you want to keep your marriage there is the option of adoption. I believe that since you are her legal husband the OM will not have a say in it, even if he doesn't care. People can change there mind.
Getting back to you, you need to step back and regroup, go work out and force your self to eat. You need your strength to make some very hard dicisions. Again take your time in thinking this through, and don't make any promises you can't keep. And when you do come up with a plan stick with and let no one try to influence you in changing from your plan. Keep in mind, you first choice is usually the right one.
Again let the dust clear, make a dicision and stick with it. I personally think you have already and she will keep this bastard and you will move on with out her.
Even if she does dumb the bastard, she will resent you so much the marriage is still doomed any way. It will just take long for you to realize it.
That is probably your main prob.--If your wife wants the child, and she gives in to you, and has the abortion, how will she then feel about you, in that you made her give up a child she would have brought into the world
Other hand---how can you stand to see another man's child come from your wife
This is not gonna be easy---but if there is to be an abortion, you can't wait to long---there are time limits, as to when things can/can't be done
If possible, and you still want to---you and your wife must have a serious discussion, about the future of everything----and that also really cant be postponed, either
I know she was exceedingly drunk that night because I actually picked her up shortly after everything occurred, so I believe that her impaired judgment was a factor.
More likely she wanted to sleep with him the whole time and needed and excuse because doing it sober would make her look bad. Odds are it was premeditated.
I want to stay married to her, we have 2 kids and a great life, not to mention that our relationship seems to be a very good one (that's a hard thing to say in this context).
Not anymore. This is something that will never go away and will on your mind years from now.
She has told me she is afraid that our marriage will never be the same and that she is not sure she can handle the lack of trust going forward.
It's all about her. She doesn't respect you.
I have made it clear what I want and she seems genuine in the fact that she still very much loves me but she just seems to be considering the idea of carrying this child even with the consequences.
More lack of respect.
I am hoping that it helps me cope and helps me keep my strong exterior, at least until she makes up her damn mind. I just want a path forward and it's all on her, I can't make the decision for her, and I am struggling with the wait.
Why are you waiting on her. Put the focus back on you.
Can you handles this? It doesn't sound like you can and I don't blame you. If my wife got pregnant with another man's kid I would have filed for divorce before she could finish her sentence.
Life doesn't have to be this way, you can start over. As hard and scary sounding it is to leave, it would be much harder to stay long term. When the dust settles you will most likely regret not leaving the second you found out.
I'd say for now don't push her for answers, just start detaching and planning a future without her. It will take some time to get the strength you need but it will come. Try thinking with your head and not with your emotions because feelings change all the time.
Women, like men, sometimes cheat for the sex and excitement. At certain points in their lives and within their relationships they really want it and sometimes they fail to resist these urges. As ugly as this reality is, I think that this is pretty normal and it doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people.
However, your wife's actions, even if unintended, have completely ruined your marriage. And I don't say this lightly. She is now carrying his child and having an abortion will ruin the relationship and having the child will ruin the marriage. You have no options but to end the marriage now. If she didn't get pregnant, you would have the option of forgiving her for completely hurting you as a man (he was dripping out of her as you were driving her home). This is pretty bad but I don't think that this would necessarily mean the end. The pregnancy, however, does. Assuming it was unintended, it was a case of very bad luck. But sometimes fate can be cruel.
I really don't think this chick(his WW) is going to give-up the baby... I can already see it- SHE IS NOT HAVING AN ABORTION, COUNT ON IT! So your only option is to "option-out" of your marriage. Sorry... but its true.
Krazee, some things you must consider. This is an 18 month affair, and NOT two seperate incidents. If she had had sex with a stranger then it would be, but because she went back to the same guy, this shows that she has been in intimate contact with him ever since the first , "near miss". I'm sorry to say it, but regardless of what she has said, her actions have proved that she neither loves or respects you, and is making no effort to acknowledge her guilt in this. If she has the baby, you will be expected to provide support, and she will respect you even less (if that's possible), You should, in my opinion, divorce her immediately and concentrate on protecting your kids and yourself, from an un-fit wife and mother.
I'm in agreement with Dowjones, I highly doubt this is two separate incidences. Before you even consider R, regardless of the OC, you should try to figure out if you have the full truth or the tip of the iceberg. If you uncover more lies and sexual liasons regarding the OM, you might not want R. The dealbreaker might not just be the OC, but that she may have been having a full blown affair with this guy for over a year. If it's her BF's brother, there's been opportunity and cover.
Your wife does not seem very remorseful and sounds like she's giving you fog talk. She may actually be surprised that the OM is not returning her calls. What are the odds that the one time she had sex with this guy, she ended up pregnant? I don't know how old she is, but the older the woman, the longer it takes to impregnate. Does the night in question match the gestation? You can approximate how many weeks she is by her Hcg levels. I'd have her show you her blood test results, don't take her word for it.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, I have to say an OC would be a dealbreaker for me too. Whenever I think it could've happened (condoms aren't 100%) I feel my stomach drop. Nope. No way. I wouldn't want the OW in my life forever, I'd struggle with it and have constant triggers. Makes me sick to imagine, I may be strong, but I'm not that strong. Good luck, I hope your wife starts realizing what she's about to lose.
Krahzee1, my whole heart goes out to you. My worst fear is that my H's OW will end up pregnant. I hate to say it, but I know that I, too, could never even consider R unless there was an abortion.
That being said, it is a choice she needs to make & not be forced into. It also has to be her reasons if she chooses to abort b/c she is the one that will have to live w/that guilt. For some people, abortion is murder & is never an option. If she is one of those people, & she has the abortion only b/c you give her an ultimatum of the marriage or the baby, your relationship will never recover.
I think you do need to think about yourself right now. Let her know it's too much for you, & then leave. Then she'll make her own choice based on what she wants. If she aborts, you can take steps to R. If she keeps the baby, you'll have already begun your steps to end the marriage. I don't think you can really deal w/the A until you know if she's going to have the abortion.
It is pretty ****ed up that she's saying that she doesn't know how she can move forward w/o you trusting her. That does sound more like a longer-term A & "fog" talk rather than a stupid one-time drunken mistake. Even if they haven't been having an A all this time, I don't get how the hell either of you were okay w/her socializing anymore w/this guy after the first one-time thing, the near-miss. I trusted my H (too much), & I could have also forgiven one near-miss mistake, but no way would I have been cool w/him hanging out w/that girl after the mistake.
You wanna know the worst indignity I find in that whole night---She had her H. come pick her up, after having sex with her lover
"Hey honey come pick me up---I just had sex with my lover of a yr., and a half, and I need a ride home"
My husband did that to me.
He went out drinking with work colleagues, all the males left after a short time, he kept hanging out with the female colleagues.
At 10 pm I get a drunk text from him (lots of spelling errors), that he'll be staying over in town - which seemed fine with me because he already told me about that possibility of staying with a male colleague if he get's too drunk to travel.
I was fine with that because he hadn't gotten out for over a year, we had a lot of stress, and so I thought it was good for him to let 'his hair down'.
At 3 am I get a call from him asking me to pick him up.
I find out he was at a female colleague's house, where the group of 5 went after the bars. Another colleague - female- asked for a ride home, too, since she lived on the way.
The good wife that I am,I pack bottles of water, gatorade, and headache medicine and drive out in the night to pick him up, and to drive this other person home, too.
I was mad though that I ended up picking him up from a woman's house, but feeling 'safe' because he wasn't alone with a woman, since several other colleagues where there, too.
The next morning he confessed to me that he had gotten so drunk that he ended up naked on the floor with one of the colleagues making out, and they didn't have sex because (a) probably too drunk and because (b) another colleague walked in on them. AND IT WAS THE WOMAN I DROVE HOME!!!!
This happened in January, then I learned about additional infidelities early April that had happened over the past 6 years, and only two days ago he tells me that during the same night back in January, he also kissed one other of those colleagues.
The women he nearly had sex with quit her job within the week of the occurence, but the other woman he kissed is still there.
H is absolutely remoseful, swears he'll never touch another drop of alcohol again and that he maintained NC with 'all' of the women he had wronged me with.
Part of me believes him, knows he is genuine, and knows he has lots of really good qualities, but part of me also seriously doubts whether he CAN be faithful to me in the future.