Hello to all. All of what you read here is about me and what I have done to fix me. I was a cheater in the past and received some great help from a head shrink and learned a lot about myself in the process. First off guy and gals if you are going to cheat just end the marriage now. The pain that will come later, lives that will be changed, the fights, the counseling, the broken trust, and all the other things is not worth the piece of ass your going after when you get caught. I was a serial cheater. For me it started with internet chatting, then phone calls, then meeting and lying to woman that I was not married. Was caught by the wife and told her it would not happen again. It did. Several times. In the beginning I pawned it off on her and told her things like you were not giving me what I needed. Next thing that happened was I started getting hookers. I tried sugar daddy sites. I have done it all. I did things that I will forever be ashamed of. By this time in my marriage there was no trust from my wife and she questioned everything. My phone was check, emails were check, and anything else she could check. My events of the day were analyzed and put under a micro scope. She accused on anything and everything, she had a right too. I was a scumbag bastard. Even when I was telling the truth she did not believe. I had proof of not doing anything and she would not believe me. I hurt this woman to the core. I don’t blame her for her actions. But back then to me it was all about getting in to something else. The final straw came one night when she called my hotel room and I was in the middle of the act. I made her believe I was innocent. She found out later I lied again. Just when she thought I could not hurt her more I manage to do it with that.
We had went to a marriage counselor before in the first stages of my cheating, but he was a joke and it did not help. After the last it was over. After some time I talked her into one more try. We went to a doctor this time. We went there at the same time and talked to him, there was crying and arguing and the stuff that goes with getting help. I took some test and it was said that I am a sex addict. Wow did not see that coming. The wife had said that in the past.
Now I am a firm believer that what you do is on you. If someone beats their wife they blame it on the parents because that’s how they were raise. Horse ****. I called those hooker, I got on the internet chatting those were my choices. I did not cheat because of anything my wife had done or did not do. I cheated because I had my own demons inside. Through talking with the head doctor I learned more about myself than I ever wanted to know.
Here is a summary of what I figured out. When I was a kid my mother ran around and cheated, my uncles did the same thing. I grew up thinking this was normal. Now I knew what I was doing was wrong. But in the back of my mind I was living to be like my uncles and other people I looked up to as a youngster.
I had to make a choice. Did I want to be like them or did I want my family and to be a dad to my kids and a husband to my wife. I choose to grow up stop all the bull **** of cheating and live my life to show my kids and wife what a loving family should be. I have been hooker free close to 2 years now. The wife and I still have a long road to recovery. There are other parts to the story that are not covered.
I have learned that you are responsible for what you do. You don’t get to blame anyone else for your betrayal. You caused the hurt and the stress. Blaming your child hood or blaming your spouse is the wrong way to think. To stop you have to blame yourself and work from there. If you and your spouse are going to work through you have to fix you first. You can stop, you can change, and you can fix yourself if you want to. You have to want to.
Thanks for posting. Got a couple of questions if you don't mind?
Did you see the amount and extent of hurt your wife suffered at the time?
I mean. Is that pain visible to the cheater while they are cheating and if it is how do you [the old you] deal with the fact that you love this person on one hand but send them to hell on the other?
Back then I knew she was hurt. I cared but not enough to change. Later on and after I found out that she had gotten to the point and started cheating too is when I really felt her pain and I had the complete understanding of what I had done to tear her down piece by piece.
Thanks.
So while you were actively cheating you could disassociate your self with the pain of your wife.
This is interesting because it seems to be exactly what I observed in my wife.
Again thanks for posting..
If you had to put a percentage on the amount of suffering you saw while you were cheating compared to when you were cheating what would it be. 80% of pain ? 20% of pain ?
If there are any other cheaters brave enough to chime in that would be great!
I was so wrapped up with cheating my concern for my wife's pain was not their. When I got busted my concern was to say sorry i will never do it again. I was just saying it to end the fighting and arguing. I would be good for a bit. one month at the most and I was back on the prowl. I would also not let the real healing begin either. when she would bring up her anger I will get deffensive and tell her we moved on, no looking back. I was more concerned about my feelings. I would not face what she was going through. It was all about my needs. When would fight i would blame her for the fight. I did not realize the pain I was still putting her through at the time. After seeing the last doctor and before I found out she had cheated I started to see the real pain she was going through. My actions of not letting her yell at me and talking to me about her pain was hurting her more. It was at that time I new to really fix me I had to go through with her what she was feeling and talk about all i did to her, over and over. Then when I found out she had cheated a few time at the end that was the punch to me that I felt all the pain. I was truly sorry for what I had done. I dont recommend you cheat because you fall into the pot calling the kettle deal. It was the finishing touch that help me see the light.
My ex was also a serial cheater. We were married 14 years with our divorce being final just last month. I tried very hard to have a good, healthy marriage but all he was interested in was other women. My ex had probably around 10 affairs I know of. 2 of those women became a relationship to him, the others were just fvck buddies. I do believe there were other affairs I never knew about it.
I dont know if my ex regrets anything he did to me. He shows no emotions at all. I have very limited contact with him. I see and talk to him just once a week when he sees the kids and then it's very brief contact, less than 5 minutes. I try to "study" his actions and expressions to try to see if maybe he may feel some guilt but he is cold. I can't get no emotional readings from him.
I do NOT want this man back. Not now, not ever but I do want him to regret what he did and to feel remorse. Does a serial cheater feel guilt even when they show no emotions?
When I was cheating I fully expected that if caught my marriage was going to be over. I did not care while cheating at all. Thought of it often but always said I oh well. I to always said after I got caught thats it I am not doing this any more. But it never last. I had demons that I did not know I had. Once I understood what was going on in my head way in the back where you never looked I learned to fight it. There is a cycle that a serial cheater goes through. Once the steps of the cycle are known it became easy to interupe the cycle.
Appleif your ex does not know whats going on in the back of his mind he will never really feel remorse. He needs to become aware of his demons and what starts the cycle. He most likely does not even know there is a cycle. Until he finds out what makes him start the cycle he will never stop cheating. Once he gets to that point then the flood gates open he will say sorry and mean it one day.
When I was cheating I fully expected that if caught my marriage was going to be over. I did not care while cheating at all. Thought of it often but always said I oh well. I to always said after I got caught thats it I am not doing this any more. But it never last. I had demons that I did not know I had. Once I understood what was going on in my head way in the back where you never looked I learned to fight it. There is a cycle that a serial cheater goes through. Once the steps of the cycle are known it became easy to interupe the cycle.
Appleif your ex does not know whats going on in the back of his mind he will never really feel remorse. He needs to become aware of his demons and what starts the cycle. He most likely does not even know there is a cycle. Until he finds out what makes him start the cycle he will never stop cheating. Once he gets to that point then the flood gates open he will say sorry and mean it one day.
he is too late for sorry. He can wallow in his self made sh!t hole now. It's funny how people will say that they love their ex so much they just want them to be happy no matter what. What a crock of crap. I dont want to see my ex happy. ffffffffffffffck that. I want to see him alone and fat and miserable and with a huge blistering zit right on his nose that will never ever go away.
Oh AppleDucklings you made my night, lol! If my H left me for the OW, I'd be feeling the same way. I'm not so magnanimous that I'd be wishing him well for making such a craptastic decision. Nope, I'd be wishing on him the festering zit too.
Helpful insight OFG on the mind of a serial cheater. There's definitely something going on in the back of my H's mind. It helped to go back and read his old journals from his previous affair (never found out about that one until he confessed it after this A discovery). Turns out his frame of mind prior to that affair was almost identical to his frame of mind right before the most recent one. He's making some discoveries about himself that he never realized and isn't particularily pleased with what he's finding. Seems a step in the right direction is to discover what those mind demons are and face them. Glad you were able to conquer yours, hoping my H can too.
OFG, what could a betrayed husband say to a cheating wife to break that cycle? I'm curious, I have given up on R, am way past the point of no return (or am I really?) but for her sake if there is something I, or her family could say or do that showed her the demons controlling her mind what possibly could it be? Maybe the old "180" tlaked about on here is sometimes effective for that? Or is it something that is entirely internal?
Oh AppleDucklings you made my night, lol! If my H left me for the OW, I'd be feeling the same way. I'm not so magnanimous that I'd be wishing him well for making such a craptastic decision. Nope, I'd be wishing on him the festering zit too.
Helpful insight OFG on the mind of a serial cheater. There's definitely something going on in the back of my H's mind. It helped to go back and read his old journals from his previous affair (never found out about that one until he confessed it after this A discovery). Turns out his frame of mind prior to that affair was almost identical to his frame of mind right before the most recent one. He's making some discoveries about himself that he never realized and isn't particularily pleased with what he's finding. Seems a step in the right direction is to discover what those mind demons are and face them. Glad you were able to conquer yours, hoping my H can too.
LOL at craptastic. That's another one of my favorite words to say just cuz it's fun to say and everyone else knows my all time favorite word is what......?
What I have learned... 
