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Too little too late

11K views 76 replies 27 participants last post by  Sports Fan 
#1 ·
Hello-
I guess I will dive right in and hope for the best. I have been married 14 years, have two kids preteen. One week and a day ago my h was outed by me for having an affair. He has "fallen in love" with a tow (the other woman) from an online game. "They are soul mates" he says. Four weeks ago the change happened. He closed himself off, lying to me about loving me and wanting to try for our marriage. Lying to me about who he was talking to. Lying to our kids. I sought counciling, he didn't want to. I'm still going and he is still cheating.
He told me he wants a divorce and to get a lawyer. So I did. He is still living in our home like everything is normal. Yesterday he looked over the divorce papers and wants me to go make a page worth of changes and he tells me he will be going to visit tow next week.
I know I've done a lot wrong, I know I can't keep going as things are and I know that at this moment I have no backbone and I am beat down.
I have been counciled to kick him out and let him get his own lawyer. I am a stay at home mom who was getting her degree while he worked. I am afraid that if I say the wrong thing he will make it all very nasty. I don't want that for the kids or myself.
Any advice would help.
Thanks all.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Implement the 180 immediately to detach from him. Remove him from your bedroom if you haven't. Ask him to move out. Don't agree to any changes in your divorce paperwork without discussing with your attorney.

He's made the choice. The worst thing you can do is give him any inclination that you will stick around to be his plan B.

Sorry you're here.
 
#3 ·
Get a GOOD lawyer.

Usually what happens in cases like yours whether it's the husband or wife doing what he's doing is it turns out the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Your husband is in affair fog. He thinks he found a perfect woman. Well that only lasts for a short time. He may even beg to come back. Don't fall for it.

So he wants to make it nasty for you even though he's the one who cheated?!?!

You most likely will get alimony and child support. Take the max you can get.

Don't beg him to stay and document his time with OW.

You get a backbone by doing a "180". Google that term if you don't know what it is.
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#5 ·
Kick him out, let him get his own lawyer and don't change the divorce papers. Don't talk to him about the financial aspects of the divorce, leave that to your lawyer. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing things are probably going to get nasty anyway.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's so sad to hear that a husband/Dad will leave his family to be with another women. He doesn't even care how this is going to effect his children.
 
#6 ·
This is some possibly poor advice being given. I say possibly because we don't know what the changes are that he wants. Odds are they're to his benefit but until honeysuckle04 fills us in we don't really know which way she should jump.

Honeysuckle04, show the changes he wants to your lawyer and get his opinion. Find out if giving him what he wants to make him go away will be cheaper than fighting it out in court. Don't be too quick to give him everything, negotiate with him, but not until you know where you stand.

The sooner you get him out of there the sooner you'll heal from this. If what he wants is not excessive and won't leave you in too bad a position give it to him to get him out of there.
 
#11 ·
Thank you all for the sound advice. You have given me courage.
The kids and I are at my folks house for the weekend and their love helps too.
I will google the 180 and go forth ahead with it.
I believe I have a good lawyer. My h keeps threatening to get his own and make it nasty but today I was in the mind frame to say so be it.
The changes he wanted were wording that is standard but he wanted it in his favor.
After his 5th call today I told him to call the lawyer if he had questions. Amazing how his fingers were not broken after all and he could actually do it on his own.
He wanted this and yet I'm the one, like mentioned earlier, cleaning up after his mess and trying desperately to right our world.
He also keeps throwing tow in my face and in my kids faces, like I need the reminder.
I hope when we get back to our very sad and tension filled home he will be gone.
Thank you for letting me share and vent. It is hard to hear people say it will be ok when they haven't been through it.
 
#13 ·
The morning after the reveal he shoved his wedding ring at me and then asked if I wanted to see her pics. Of course I declined but my children have already spoken to her over Skype when h and her talk or do other "things" while in the house, in our dd room where he stays.
 
#16 ·
The morning after the reveal he shoved his wedding ring at me and then asked if I wanted to see her pics. Of course I declined but my children have already spoken to her over Skype when h and her talk or do others "things" while in the house, in our dd room where he stays.
How despicable. I thought my cheating STBX was bad. This is disgusting. Come to think of it, though - he thought he was being real considerate by texting her in the bathroom for hours, or pacing around in the driveway while talking to her on his cell phone. There's a guy in my neighborhood I see doing that almost every evening on my walks, now. I'm this || close to saying to him, "You're not fooling anyone, Cheater."

You sound like you're in a much stronger place than I was a week after I found out. (Or now.)

Yeah, ain't it funny how they discover they can actually make phone calls all by themselves to places of business when we won't do it for them anymore?

We're worthy of so much more than these idiots.
 
#20 ·
Got home from staying the last four days with my folks. H's sister and father have called the house. My councilor said to call them back if I felt comfortable enough to do so without being emotional or confrontational. So I did.
They aren't upset with me but are upset with h. I found out that he did make his trip up to see the ow and he has proposed to her and she has accepted. That gave me a moment for pause but the pain and panic didn't come so I don't know what to do or how to feel about it. This affair is an online one that is only a couple of months old. So what now?
 
#21 ·
I am so sorry! Your husband is so far into the fog that he is announcing his engagement to his AP? Now that you know they are anxious to get this divorce done (so they can marry), take full advantage! Get all you can and more in the divorce while he is still anxious to get it done. If he balks at your terms just let it drag on some more. You didn't want this and if he wants you to cooperate (and apparently do all the work for the divorce), be sure the terms favor you in a big way! You're not in any hurry so just take your time and get what you need to provide for you and your children for a good long time to come.

But really, he must be nuts! To propose a couple weeks after being discovered in an affair. And he has met this person once! Just wait until they have to tolerate each other day after day. Karma will get him.
 
#23 ·
You need to immediately inform your lawyer that he/she works only for you and husband needs to get his own lawyer. If your current lawyer refuses to do this then you must find a lawyer of your own.

Im sorry to say that he will only get nastier. You cant nice him out of this. You need to implement the 180, tell him his on his own regarding the lawyers and kick him out of the bedroom. If he wont go than pack our stuff and move them to the spare room.

Im no legal expert in your state but if you were a stay at home mum than the odds are in your favour. Your husband knows this thats why he is insisiting on sharing the same lawyer amicably.

In other words he is trying to screw you over in regards to your rights whilst pretending to be all friendly over the break up.
 
#25 ·
Inform him he needs to get his own lawyer. Then, let your lawyer know he is representing only you. If he has a problem get a new lawyer.

Dont ask your lawyer to make changes, discuss it with him to see how your husbands request affects you and the kids. Get your lawyers advice and work with that. You want to stay in the home, get child support and spousal support until the kids can care for themselves and full custody.

Don't buy his "I am so nice to you" act. That viper is going to strike and attack soon. So beware.
 
#26 ·
I received a text today between h and an xcoworker. He intends to stay with the ow at least until the 10th of August and he intends to accept a new job but not start until the 31st of August. What am I suppose to do for bills and living expenses for a month when he isn't supporting us???
All the bills and loans and car and house are in his name. What if he is going to let the house and car go and screw me out of it all???

Starting a good panick here.

Lawyer is mine and paid for. He isn't in office until tomorrow though.

Any help to stay sane for the next day's would help.
 
#32 ·
I received a text today between h and an xcoworker. He intends to stay with the ow at least until the 10th of August and he intends to accept a new job but not start until the 31st of August. What am I suppose to do for bills and living expenses for a month when he isn't supporting us???
All the bills and loans and car and house are in his name. What if he is going to let the house and car go and screw me out of it all???

Starting a good panick here.

Lawyer is mine and paid for. He isn't in office until tomorrow though.

Any help to stay sane for the next day's would help.
Your husband is NOT allowed to cut you off cold. Until the divorce is final he has to keep things (like auto payments) going as they were.

Get in touch with your lawyer, make sure that he IS your lawyer, and get his advice on what to do. Most likely your lawyer will ask a judge for a court order telling your husband what he must do.

Pay attention to what others are saying about living with the other woman and spending money on her. He's not allowed to do that. Half that money is yours, right off the top. Bring all this to your lawyer's attention too.

And of course you can ask for sole custody. And you may well get it in the end.
 
#28 ·
As others have said, your husband is out of his freaking mind to rush into another marriage with this person he barely knows. It has less than a 3% chance of being a successful one. Only 3% of exit affairs survive as long term relationships. Couple that with the odds of a long distance relationship that becomes a marriage too soon surviving - less than 3%.

Also as others have said, get a lawyer - preferably a shark - that is yours only and take this idiot to the cleaners. Not out of spite, but because you need to get yourself and your children everything you're entitled to.

Let me tell you something you may not be aware of, and mention it to your lawyer - if he spent a bunch of the marital assets on an engagement ring and/or to travel to see her, he needs to pay that back to you. And if you don't live in a No Fault state, you can charge him with Adultery and her with Alienation of Affection. Mainly, seek out sole custody, maximum child support, and maximum alimony. If he's earned any pension with his company while married to you, you're entitled to part of that when he retires, too. And part of his IRA/401K.

Bottom line, lawyer up and get all your terms in writing fast, while he's still thinking like an idiot.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I know firsthand that it sucks out loud. Don't worry, though - the Karma bus is coming for him. Maybe not as soon as you'd like, but it will come.
 
#29 ·
As a follow up, he can't spend any of the marital assets on her or to live with her while you're still married. Tell your lawyer about all this right away and find out what your rights are in this area.

I can't believe polygamy is legal in any state except Utah (if it even is there).

Find out from your lawyer if it's punishable if he tries it, and what the punishment would be. Jail would be nice - that Karma bus may be coming sooner than I thought.
 
#31 ·
Start putting together what you do have.
How much longer do you have until you finish school?
What job skills do you have?
Do you know exactly where your husband is and where he is going to work at?
 
#34 ·
Yes, get your lawyer to file for a temporary order and/or legal separation with terms of support for the time being, laid out. Be sure to get some type of enforcement proviso in case he''s a total s*it, too--like his wages will be garnished if he fails to do X, Y, or Z.

The reality for him will be, he's on the hook for whatever doesn't get paid (according to the court) b/c he was supporting you and you were supporting the family with unpaid labor. He does *not* get to walk away--and if he makes the financial situation worse, the court will require HIM to repay whatever mess he creates.

In the meantime, make a budget that is on the generous side--for you and the kids. Don't stop to think, "I can make do with . . ." If you do that, he'll be trying to whittle down from the bare minimum you need to survive, and you'll end up in debt. This is NOT to punish him. This is to make sure you live comfortably without incurring debt while re-establishing yourself/finishing school.

Do not take on work that cuts into your schooling or parenting--he can shoulder that burden (as he was doing) until you are truly ready to re-enter the job market full time, with skills that will allow you to earn enough to maintain yourself and your kids without him. Then he'll be responsible for child support, but you will be debt-free and earning enough money to meet your obligations, so his support will give you some room to save for your future without him.

Do not think of punishing him--think only of what you and the kids need to be comfortable and happy for the next several years, and what you will need to be comfortably single, if that is the direction your life goes, for as long as necessary.

Limit conversations to things the kids need and want. Try really hard not to say bad things about their dad--that is what messes kids up, feeling torn between parents. Vent to friends and siblings, but do not drag the kids into this. It will be hard, but try to help them establish a healthy relationship with their dad. They'll "get it" later when much older; hang on to that.

Good luck.
 
#35 ·
Unfortunately the kids are already wise beyond their years. They know all what is going on, they see how their dad was, is and probably will be forever. They are taking it as well as can be expected. My 13 year old is very angry and not wanting to talk about it at all. My 11 year old is torn between loving his dad and feeling rejected with all the emotions in between. No matter what encouragements I say to them (this isn't their fault, he isn't divorcing you just me, nothing can be done to change his mind, he will always love you and be your dad, etc.) they are having a hard time believing me.
I read somewhere that you shouldn't believe what you hear from the ws and even less of what you see or something very similar. I can't help but wonder if that is true and if that means I cannot count on him to follow through with his word. He said he would support me, pay for me to finish school, keep close to the kids, be there for me if I ever need him, blah, blah, blah. So it would be best to know those were all lies so he could make himself feel better right?
 
#36 ·
Unfortunately the kids are already wise beyond their years. They know all what is going on, they see how their dad was, is and probably will be forever. They are taking it as well as can be expected. My 13 year old is very angry and not wanting to talk about it at all. My 11 year old is torn between loving his dad and feeling rejected with all the emotions in between. No matter what encouragements I say to them (this isn't their fault, he isn't divorcing you just me, nothing can be done to change his mind, he will always love you and be your dad, etc.) they are having a hard time believing me.
You can only speak for yourself. Telling your children that their dad loves them, will always love them, etc. is not something you can know. He appears to be trying to leave them destitute. That is not love. Telling them these things about their father is likely to cause them deeper pain and confusion. Stick to telling them that you will always love them, etc. Explain that you are sorry, but you really can't speak for their dad and he should speak for himself.
 
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