jnj express

I know to some there is a major difference, if there was physical contact, or it stayed emotional only---but the bottom line to all of this---she was with another man---she knew what the consequences would be, she knew she was "dissing" you, and the mge., and she still continued on---up to what 3,000 times a month---at this point what's the difference anymore physical or not---it happened, and she has rubbed your face in it!!!!!!!

There is another thing I think you need to worry about, your wife has sent naked pictures of herself out to this man, and who knows who else---I would be very worried that these pictures get out, and end up on the internet----I would hate for you to have a child, and years from now have a friend, or acquaintace of your child, say to him/her---guess what i saw nude pics of your mother on the internet-------that would be pretty traumatic----you need to deal with these pictures, and get them destroyed----

---Your wife seems to be a real piece of work-------Has it clicked into her brain at all that she is actually married, and supposed to act like a responsible, mature, adult????????

ArmyofJuan

I concur with this. Get a yes or no to the PA questions and look her dead in the eye.

You need to understand they always affair down and looks are not nearly as important to women. My W's AP was old (20 yrs her senior) and ugly but that didn't stop her in the end.

If she had a PA she will most likely not confess to it but looking at her history there's a very good chance she has with any of her EAs.

2xloser

Read up about trickle-truth... classic, classic pattern. I'm a victim of it (at first it was 'nothing', then kissed "2 or 3 times", then it was more than a dozen, then it was phone sex, then it was shirt off once"........) From your story it sounds like we're in very similar reltaionships.

Not trying to freak you out, but if I had to bet money I'd wager they kissed. My wife was an egomaniac too. He fed her need for attention, to feel attractive, to have the thrill of the chase. It went too far; she regrets it. But it happened. Often. You need yes/no answers.

That said, you can get through this. But it has to start with honesty and transparency.

lovestruckout

Well, I've been going hard at her with respect to the PA aspect, and her story has not wavered much. I even have listened to some phone conversations she has had with some girlfriends that she confided with about the situation, and nothing has come up during the conversations that suggests otherwise. I thought that if something was burning up inside of her that she'd likely say to a friend "i don't know how much longer I can lie about things, etc. . . ".

Our MC, which is now at the moment my IC, also bluntly said to her after working up to the question "your husband wants you to say that you had sex with him". She's emotional in general, so she's been crying during our sessions, and she said "I didn't and he keeps asking me, and I feel like he's never going to believe me".

So the question has been asked numerous times by me, she has discussed the situations with her IC, and our MC, and nothing has wavered. She did offer that EA#1 tried to kiss her, and this doesn't surprise me as I already knew he had sexual interest in her. She knew it too, but we already know she liked to be liked.

I'm nearing the point where I'll either never believe what she is saying, or I have to accept that this was an attention thing that remained emotional. We have both decided though that if all hope is lost on the trust, the marriage is in trouble. She understands that we have a lot of rebuilding to do, and the trust isn't going to come back immediately, but as long as we find a starting point, we'll be ready to rebuild.

Over the weekend, when we're both comfortable after watching a show, I'm going to sit down, put her hand on my heart, and ask the yes or no questions.

Oh, btw, my therapist thinks that her needs for attention may stem from the fact that she has never had any boundaries from her parents. She considerably younger than her brother and sister (mistake 3rd child), and her parents are totally out of touch with the world. If we didn't have kids, they may still think their fast lane daughter was a virgin. I can attest to how clueless they were. We were pretty good kids growing up...no drugs, limited alcohol, but they [parents] would have had no idea. Counselor thinks she has been compensation for the attention she never got from her parents.

Jellybeans

The fact remains: as long as she's involved in an EA/contact with ANY of the OM, you have zero marriage. NONE.

lovestruckout

Guess we're starting right at least. She has had zero contact since D-day. Yes, she needs to get out of the job pronto, but for now, in the event she needs to communicate with him on a work level, she has her girlfriend deliver the message. There is no contact.

Jellybeans

When is she getting out of the job? What steps has she taken for that?

2xloser

Many here will disagree, but I can believe she didn't have sex with him if she insists and you can believe the look in her eyes.

Question is, what else might have happened and do you want to know? If you do want to know (think about it; be sure you do), then you or your MC should be asking with equal bluntness. Like others said here, with answers in Yes/No terms... IF you want to know.

Sorry you're here; good luck to you!

lovestruckout

Just a quick update. Things are going ok. Not great, but ok. I've settled down from my initial manic reaction of trying to immediately fill the void I thought she needed. Effing doormat I was out of the gate...letting her off three days into the rebuilding. Sex was passionate and pretty intense, but I admit I was being unfair in that we'd have sex, then while laying on the bed I'd jump back into the what's and why's.

So I cooled off and have been doing a soft 180 of sorts. It's certainly being noticed, where she's making sure we have our normal amount of contact throughout the day, despite me putting in little effort. I feel like I need to be careful though as even though I'm entitled to feel like I deserve this all, I don't want her to think her efforts are for naught...she is genuinely really doing everything she can to show how sorry she was. I suppose I'm fortunate that at the least I'm not dealing with what some people have to endure, and that is a spouse they dearly want to hold on to, yet one that is more connected to the OM.

Simply bringing things up makes her cry and say things like "of course I think about it, I think about it all the time and I'm going to think about it for the rest of my life...I know it's the 1000# gorilla in the room."

Tonight I plan to have the discussion once more about whether or not she's offering everything to me. Maybe some people could move on at this point, but it's important to me that in the event there are a couple more skeletons hiding in the back of the closet, she 'mans' up and tells me everything at the most crucial point in our marriage. As others agree, one of the many things that is non-negotiable is that I won't begin to rebuild unless I feel that it is all out on the table. And I honestly think she is finally a changed woman, but a new start deserves all the old details. If there are any, maybe I'll never know, and I'm not going to throw it all away because of that, but I'm not at the point where I can fully believe her yet. This may be completely related to the time line though. . .it's only been about 6 weeks since D-day. I guess I'm still damaged goods right now.

It will be eye to eye and I will only ask for Y and N answers. I'm going to ease into the important questions with a lead up of "are you ever going to lie to me again"? And then just be frank about the fact that this is her chance to be honest about anything else she hasn't offered...and if I discover or suspect something in the future, that will be the deal breaker and there will be no sit downs, only a trip to the lawyers office.

Thanks for all the support in here, it really helps to discuss things with others that are going through similar situations.

Jellybeans

Make sure you follow through with that.

lordmayhem

Is she being transparent, I mean WILLINGLY transparent? You can't force her to be transparent, she has to want to be. There is a difference between guilt and remorse. Remorse is when she is not just thinking about her feelings but genuinely feels your pain. If shes really remorseful about the A, then she will do anything to help rebuild trust with you and regain your love.

Beware of any crocodile tears. Don't let her try to sweep it under the rug. If she puts on the waterworks anytime its brought up to make you not want to talk about it, then its rugsweeping and she isn't owning up to her sh!t.

You may not want to know the little details, but like most people, you need to know what you are forgiving before you can move on.

Trust is going to take time to rebuild. It's only 6 weeks out for you, and you may still be in the shocked phase. You may hit your anger phase sooner or later. It will all depend on how remorseful she is and how transparent she is. You need to invest in some computer monitoring software, phone monitoring software, and possibly a VAR. As time goes by and her actions show she is keeping NC, and your monitoring turns up nothing, you start to regain some measure of trust and monitor her less as time goes by.

Like JB said, make sure you stick to it and that she knows you will stick to it. Remember, if any OM contacts her and she does not immediately inform you, that is also breaking NC because its a lie of omission. Make sure she knows that is a deal breaker.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

wolf359

some people on the board have had very good luck with a lie detector. I would search for a post, or two on it. Just setting a date and time, along with the print outs from the service, set people off to tell the truth. It is not hard to setup and do it. I would, if I had doubts about my wife again. People use them a lot more nowadays, then 5 years ago. They are 95% + accurate. Just the idea of it, scares the truth out of people. I have read that from the mans point of view. It helps calm the mind, more then anything else out there. It's very very had to trick when you are a very sad or already very remorseful. Just think about it. For me, to calm my mind, it's worth the the money. Just remember divorce costs 40 times more, that's without child support.

lordmayhem

RestlessinGeorgia was successful with the poly.

Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

lovestruckout

Regarding this question, let me explain my logic, and I'm sure many will disagree.

She has approximately 8 months until she reaches 10 years, where she can vest out and get pension/benefits for her time. For her to leave now, she would fall back to 5 years.

Yes, I agree that it is stupid to put a couple of bucks ahead of salvaging everything we have built together; however, her contact with OM is minimal to none at this point, and he was already changing shifts (regardless of the EA being exposed) so that they will never be in the office together.

While it is not fully NC at the moment, it's damn close, and I will present the NC concept after my therapy session this week.

Now, hedging the situation, a small part of me thinks her keeping the job is good in the fact that if things don't work out (it's early and I imagine the possibility exists for things to turn for the worse, as much as I don't want that), I suppose it would be good for her to be working w/respect to settlement. I hate considering that, but it's life I guess.

So I have two scenarios, both of which aren't fantastic. She stays and I accept that there will inevitably be some exchanges, perhaps on the stairs or in the hallway, or she leaves and I foot a bigger bill if things don't work out.

OR she stays, quits as planned next year, and we live happily ever after with her 10 years under the belt hahahahahaha It's tragically funny that this couldn't just be taken for granted. Hopefully in time it can be, but I needed the laugh I just gave myself.

Scottt

How do you know this? Have you dropped in at the workplace a few times and asked for each of them? Is their work schedule available online? Have you verified it with their supervisor? Or are you just going by what your wife or one of her friends told you? I'm just trying to get a picture of what the work situation is like, and how you know who's doing what where and when.