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Why me? Oh yeah...Mr Nice Guy

74K views 197 replies 52 participants last post by  bankshot1993 
#1 · (Edited)
Our bio to start. I am 50, wife will be 50 in September. We raised a total of 9 children. 6 daughters and 3 boys. 5 mine, 2 hers, my nephew. His mother died when he was 7, my bro, although an okay guy, lousy parent. We got legal guardianship when he was 13. And one other boy. Youngest just turned 21(mine) oldest is 32(hers). 7 awesome grandchildren. We met in 2002 and it seemed impossibly perfect. You can imagine blending that family together. It had it’s fair share of problems and we almost gave up in 2006 but we succeeded. 9 children all raised to be responsible, upstanding adults in their own right. No addictions, no hangups, no trouble with the law. Two do their own work along with her in her studio (it’s not a salon because it’s by appt only) 4 work for me, one soon-to-be-lawyer, one architect, one wife of a Navy officer (go blue) and one works for the Army.

I was married for 16 years prior. She turned out BPD and that was a hell-on-wheels time. My present wife got pregnant when she was in high school and married young. That lasted 7 yrs. Single for 5 yrs then remarried. Her previous husband died in 2001 of liver failure after 7 yrs.

So,back to my story. I don’t know how brief I can make it (not at all) but here it goes. Many details along the way that really tell the story but first I am going to just try a reader’s digest timeline of latest events.

The last two of our kids in college graduated this year. We attended our daughter’s ceremony on May 10th. On May 11th my wife went to neighboring town to do some stuff and when she came back it just instantly got weird. We were discussing ways to produce a product she came up with and I fabricated some prototypes. All of a sudden she just exploded on me. It was just so strange. Ten days of horrible silence and cold follow. She is now sleeping in a bedroom on the other side of the house. On May 22nd she demands I move out and I do (my biggest regret) At the time I thought I had to. That night I turn on my camera on my desk in our bedroom. Not your typical bedroom, it’s a 900 sf suite I built on the other side of the house before we were married and has our home offices, sitting area and sleeping area. I’m sure my actions and reasons are very common in this forum so I’m not going to bother explaining the whys. I did not expect anything, I just missed her. 7 pm she is sitting at the dining room table, gets a phone call and hurredly goes out on to the deck. 730ish I pick her up coming into the bedroom still talking. I can here a male voice on the other end and the conversation seems odd. They talked for about an hour. I am shaken but still don’t believe it. An hour later she is on the phone again. 9-10:30 this time. She is laying on the bed just chatting away about all kinds of things. The next phone call is a very graphic video phone call that just destroyed me. My wife was cheating on me.

I was obsessed and in overdrive. By 7 am I realized that she had been cheating on me since April 4th. It was not just a casual thing either. You all talk about warning signs, well there really weren’t many in my case. It blew me away how good she is at deception and lies. Up until May 11 her actions around me and everyone else were picture perfect. I correlated our activities, texts and communications with her contacts with him at the same time and it was scary how she acted so perfect and normal towards me at the same time she was communicating and carrying on with this guy. I drove to our oldest daughter’s house (her daughter), walked in the door and asked her if she knew about this. Told her what I found, and left. She said she knew nothing. Her and I are actually very close and she is completely disgusted with her mother. I found out she did a similar thing to her previous husband the year prior to his dying. My oldest daughter is my right-hand-man in my company so there was no way I could keep it from her so she knew everything. Other than that I refrained from letting any of the other kids in on anything until this last Sunday, July 26th. You all know the nightmare that followed for me. I found a good therapist who really helped make it not so disastrous for me.

On Sunday, June 7th I finally took the first step towards finding me again. I was out at daughter’s in-laws water skiing and actually enjoying the day. Got back to the dock about three and guess who is texting me. She wants to talk. I tell her I can’t right now I am busy but I will get ahold of her when I get back to the shop. Meet up with her that evening. We meet at her studio where she breaks down crying. She had a problem with her camper that weekend while going on an outing with her club and she realized the only person she wanted to call for help was me. Deep emotional talk ensues and then sex. I am moving back home the next day to try to work on things. (my 2nd biggest regret, how I handled that). I set boundaries, she plows them over, I try to talk about us, she says no way, she has to fix herself first. Sex is nothing close to normal. She is normally hands-on and very involved. Now it’s like she initiates it by saying “I want you to **** me” and just lays there. No interaction and no reciprocation at all. Some nights she breaks down into self-denigrating talk about what a horrible wife and person she is, how she is just empty and has no feelings towards me or anything else, calling herself a **** and a failure etc. She is “going” to counselling and I don’t pry but from what I glean they are focusing on her childhood and codependency. Strikes me as odd and rather disturbing. You’d think a therapist would work on stablizing before delving into deeper issues but this wasn’t the case. Pretty sure now that she had her therapist fooled just like the rest of us. I tried to be patient and let her have her space to sort things out. I am a patient man, I can put us on hold.

By this time I have found out who this guy is from his burn phone but she doesn’t know. I have all of his personal info and both his cell numbers. The only “reassurance” she would give me about the OM is not to worry, he’s not in our circle and I will never meet him. July 4th we go to the river to spend the day at her friend’s place. Having a great and relaxing time and OM shows up. I look at her sitting there looking at both of us and see nothing in her expression or demeanor. I wonder what kind of a person could do that to their spouse and show absolutely no emotion about it. The following Sunday we get the grandkids and go to church like we always do, go to breakfast after and take the kids home. We go home and she says she is going to help her friend move out of her house. (her divorce just signed and she had to go). Two hours after she goes she texts me telling me she wants a divorce. I see a FB post with pictures of their moving party and, yes, the OM was there also. She is now completely immersed in this crowd of “friends” now who don’t have a stable relationship among them. Always alcohol, parties, drama and anything else to cover up their otherwise empty pathetic lives and she is all in with it now.

I move out the next day and back into my shop. (I wish I knew at the time I didn’t have to leave)I am coming to terms with my future and trying to get through it. Talking to leadership at the church when I need to as well as very easy communication with my therapist.
So many actions I regret in all of this. Always finding out too late that I did things completely wrong and wondering what the outcome may have been if I had read or talked to someone about it prior to doing it. In retrospect, my biggest regret was leaving the house. I wish I had talked to an attorney prior to doing that. It really hurts thinking how my present situation would be had I done that. My second regret was how I handled the “reconciliation”. My therapist tells me to stop thinking about it because, based on what he knows of the situation, it probably would have resulted in the same outcome. I know he is right but you know how we obsess on the woulda-coulda-shoulda’s in life.

I know it is unhealthy for me to dwell on those things and I have to move forward with the reality I have now but it is so hard.
I’m just going to post what I have here for now because half of you probably stopped reading an hour ago. Anyways...Hi All!!
 
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#3 ·
Expose the A to all friends, both your families, and the kids (they are old enough).

Make sure everyone knows EXACTLY who this POSOM is.....I honestly don't know how you avoided confronting when he showed up at the river.

If he has a burner phone, I would assume he is M.

Blow this POSOM's life up by exposing him to his BW and family.

Then file for D and refuse to discuss anything with her except D proceedings and absolute necessities with kids.

Make sure she knows you WILL NOT be her friend after all of this.
 
#5 ·
Is there any reason why you can't return to your marital home? Has she changed the locks?

By law, you should be allowed to remain until your home until the divorce is settled. It sounds like it's plenty big enough for both of you to be there and occupy separate spaces. With any luck she will get sick of that arrangement and SHE will leave.

Talk to an attorney pronto about your rights.
 
#9 ·
I have been out of the house for 2 1/2 weeks now. I have contemplated moving back in. I know I have every right to and I'm living in kind of squalor at my shop compared to our house. I am sure she is going to try to get me thrown out of the house with at leastt a bogus DV claim. How do I avoid that? Any advice on actually going about doing this or what not to do. My main reason to go back is really to not let her rest in our comfortable home and take her sweet time deciding what to do.

No one has filed D yet. We are scheduled with a mediator on Aug 12th. I am wondering if there is any advantage to me actually filing prior to this and bringing out the infidelity in that or does it really matter at this point. Our D should be pretty basic and really don't want to do anything to jeopardize that at this point if it will.

Another quandry with moving back now is that I did tell all of our children and most of her family last Sunday the truth about the situation and she is livid. Not that that bothers me, I know it was the right thing to do and I did it very appropriately. I may post what I did later and see if you all agree. The OM is a single goomba so no point in trying to affectt his side of it.
 
#19 ·
I have been out of the house for 2 1/2 weeks now. I have contemplated moving back in. I know I have every right to and I'm living in kind of squalor at my shop compared to our house. I am sure she is going to try to get me thrown out of the house with at leastt a bogus DV claim. How do I avoid that? Any advice on actually going about doing this or what not to do. My main reason to go back is really to not let her rest in our comfortable home and take her sweet time deciding what to do.
First of all, did she move in your home, you move in her's or is this a new house you bought together? If it's your home then get your ass back there now and reclaim your property. Even if you bought a house with her it's still half yours and you don't want to walk away from it.

As far as her and a bogus DV claim, buy yourself a VAR or two of them so you have a backup and carry it with you at all times to protect yourself. If she tries that DV stuff then you can play back the tape and have yourself covered.

Next thing is to inform everyone of her affair, friends family and if the OM has a wife, inform her and his boss. Make it as tough on her as possible. Your letting her walk all over you and if you keep it up your going to lose everything.

Get home and let her know if this is your home before you married her that she can go live with the OM and if you let her stay until she can find a place, reclaim your bedroom and let her sleep on the couch. Time for you to put your big boy pants on and take charge of the situation.
 
#14 ·
Our bio to start. I am 50, wife will be 50 in September. We raised a total of 9 children. 6 daughters and 3 boys. 5 mine, 2 hers, my nephew. His mother died when he was 7, my bro, although an okay guy, lousy parent. We got legal guardianship when he was 13. And one other boy. Youngest just turned 21(mine) oldest is 32(hers). 7 awesome grandchildren. We met in 2002 and it seemed impossibly perfect. You can imagine blending that family together. It had it’s fair share of problems and we almost gave up in 2006 but we succeeded. 9 children all raised to be responsible, upstanding adults in their own right. No addictions, no hangups, no trouble with the law. Two do their own work along with her in her studio (it’s not a salon because it’s by appt only) 4 work for me, one soon-to-be-lawyer, one architect, one wife of a Navy officer (go blue) and one works for the Army.

I was married for 16 years prior. She turned out BPD and that was a hell-on-wheels time. My wife got pregnant and married young. That lasted 7 yrs. Single for 5 yrs then remarried. Her previous husband died in 2001 of liver failure after 7 yrs.

So,back to my story. I don’t know how brief I can make it (not at all) but here it goes. Many details along the way that really tell the story but first I am going to just try a reader’s digest timeline of latest events.

The last two of our kids in college graduated this year. We attended our daughter’s ceremony on May 10th. On May 11th my wife went to neighboring town to do some stuff and when she came back it just instantly got weird. We were discussing ways to produce a product she came up with and I fabricated some prototypes. All of a sudden she just exploded on me. It was just so strange. Ten days of horrible silence and cold follow. She is now sleeping in a bedroom on the other side of the house. On May 22nd she demands I move out and I do (my biggest regret) At the time I thought I had to. That night I turn on my camera on my desk in our bedroom. Not your typical bedroom, it’s a 900 sf suite I built on the other side of the house before we were married and has our home offices, sitting area and sleeping area. I’m sure my actions and reasons are very common in this forum so I’m not going to bother explaining the whys. I did not expect anything, I just missed her. 7 pm she is sitting at the dining room table, gets a phone call and hurredly goes out on to the deck. 730ish I pick her up coming into the bedroom still talking. I can here a male voice on the other end and the conversation seems odd. They talked for about an hour. I am shaken but still don’t believe it. An hour later she is on the phone again. 9-10:30 this time. She is laying on the bed just chatting away about all kinds of things. The next phone call is a very graphic video phone call that just destroyed me. My wife was cheating on me.

I was obsessed and in overdrive. By 7 am I realized that she had been cheating on me since April 4th. It was not just a casual thing either. You all talk about warning signs, well there really weren’t many in my case. It blew me away how good she is at deception and lies. Up until May 11 her actions around me and everyone else were picture perfect. I correlated our activities, texts and communications with her contacts with him at the same time and it was scary how she acted so perfect and normal towards me at the same time she was communicating and carrying on with this guy. I drove to our oldest daughter’s house (her daughter), walked in the door and asked her if she knew about this. Told her what I found, and left. She said she knew nothing. Her and I are actually very close and she is completely disgusted with her mother. I found out she did a similar thing to her previous husband the year prior to his dying. My oldest daughter is my right-hand-man in my company so there was no way I could keep it from her so she knew everything. Other than that I refrained from letting any of the other kids in on anything until this last Sunday, July 26th. You all know the nightmare that followed for me. I found a good therapist who really helped make it not so disastrous for me.

On Sunday, June 7th I finally took the first step towards finding me again. I was out at daughter’s in-laws water skiing and actually enjoying the day. Got back to the dock about three and guess who is texting me. She wants to talk. I tell her I can’t right now I am busy but I will get ahold of her when I get back to the shop. Meet up with her that evening. We meet at her studio where she breaks down crying. She had a problem with her camper that weekend while going on an outing with her club and she realized the only person she wanted to call for help was me. Deep emotional talk ensues and then sex. I am moving back home the next day to try to work on things. (my 2nd biggest regret, how I handled that). I set boundaries, she plows them over, I try to talk about us, she says no way, she has to fix herself first. Sex is nothing close to normal. She is normally hands-on and very involved. Now it’s like she initiates it by saying “I want you to **** me” and just lays there. No interaction and no reciprocation at all. Some nights she breaks down into self-denigrating talk about what a horrible wife and person she is, how she is just empty and has no feelings towards me or anything else, calling herself a **** and a failure etc. She is “going” to counselling and I don’t pry but from what I glean they are focusing on her childhood and codependency. Strikes me as odd and rather disturbing. You’d think a therapist would work on stablizing before delving into deeper issues but this wasn’t the case. Pretty sure now that she had her therapist fooled just like the rest of us. I tried to be patient and let her have her space to sort things out. I am a patient man, I can put us on hold.

By this time I have found out who this guy is from his burn phone but she doesn’t know. I have all of his personal info and both his cell numbers. The only “reassurance” she would give me about the OM is not to worry, he’s not in our circle and I will never meet him. July 4th we go to the river to spend the day at her friend’s place. Having a great and relaxing time and OM shows up. I look at her sitting there looking at both of us and see nothing in her expression or demeanor. I wonder what kind of a person could do that to their spouse and show absolutely no emotion about it. The following Sunday we get the grandkids and go to church like we always do, go to breakfast after and take the kids home. We go home and she says she is going to help her friend move out of her house. (her divorce just signed and she had to go). Two hours after she goes she texts me telling me she wants a divorce. I see a FB post with pictures of their moving party and, yes, the OM was there also. She is now completely immersed in this crowd of “friends” now who don’t have a stable relationship among them. Always alcohol, parties, drama and anything else to cover up their otherwise empty pathetic lives and she is all in with it now.

I move out the next day and back into my shop. (I wish I knew at the time I didn’t have to leave)I am coming to terms with my future and trying to get through it. Talking to leadership at the church when I need to as well as very easy communication with my therapist.
So many actions I regret in all of this. Always finding out too late that I did things completely wrong and wondering what the outcome may have been if I had read or talked to someone about it prior to doing it. In retrospect, my biggest regret was leaving the house. I wish I had talked to an attorney prior to doing that. It really hurts thinking how my present situation would be had I done that. My second regret was how I handled the “reconciliation”. My therapist tells me to stop thinking about it because, based on what he knows of the situation, it probably would have resulted in the same outcome. I know he is right but you know how we obsess on the woulda-coulda-shoulda’s in life.

I know it is unhealthy for me to dwell on those things and I have to move forward with the reality I have now but it is so hard.
I’m just going to post what I have here for now because half of you probably stopped reading an hour ago. Anyways...Hi All!!
My story is similar only not so many kids.. 4 total plus 7 exchange students and I'm the wife who was more than cheated on multiple times. He now is living somewhere else and I have VERY mixed emotions but after 18 solid years of cheating and other things, I am trying my hardest to take care of me and my girls and I love them so don't take this wrong but it sucks and I can't keep my emotions in check but I learned the hard way that trust is very fragile and some ppl will try their hardest to earn it back but others will just try to go back and think nothing of putting the work in to rebuilding that trust and those ppl will not only cheat again but escilate their behavior. But that's just my story. Everyone has a different ending. I hope that your wife comes to understand that things just can't be put back together without hard work and actually does what it takes to get that happy relationship back 💖
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#18 ·
This is really tough. You Ww is in affair fog and mixed with midlife probably doesn't realise what she has.
Move back into your house
Record every conversation you have
Do the 180 for yourself
Keep going to counselling
Ensure you tell everyone what she is doing, no covering for her, no mercy
Live your life for you and your kids
Proceed with mediation but be ready for divorce
 
#21 ·
"I am sure she is going to try to get me thrown out of the house with at leastt a bogus DV claim. How do I avoid that?"

OP...you buy a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and carry it with you always...turn it on whenever you are in her presence.

That will put an end to any bullsh*t from her along those lines.

And who cares if she is livid....if she doesn't want to live in the house with you present, tell her she is free to go enjoy her freedom with this POS.

I hope your kids that work in her studio are refusing to work with her now, and making plans to go elsewhere.

Being rejected by your loved ones because she turned into a traitorous piece of filth hurts...and maybe will slap some common sense back into her.
 
#23 ·
My recommendation is to take advantage of this opportunity, let her go, and replace her. She, at least in her current state of mind, has replaced you, so give her what she wished for before he ditches her and your stuck keeping up someone who stays with you because what they want didn't work out. At age 50, you can find another model. You know the saying, "out with the old and in with the new".

In the real world, once you make up your mind you no longer want to "reconcile", the solution of this problem of moving out, phony DV charges, kids, etc, tends to clear up since you are no longer trying to keep a door to winning her back open cracked open.
 
#30 ·
My recommendation is to take advantage of this opportunity, let her go, and replace her. She, at least in her current state of mind, has replaced you, so give her what she wished for before he ditches her and your stuck keeping up someone who stays with you because what they want didn't work out. At age 50, you can find another model. You know the saying, "out with the old and in with the new".
This is what I need to continue hearing. Thanks
 
#24 · (Edited)
She bought the house in 2003, I moved in early 2004 and we were married later that year and have been there ever since. All mortgage and bills paid from our joint account for the last 11 years. It is community property and according to the sheriff she cannot keep me out and they will do nothing to stop me from being there.

I know this will have an affect in the actual divorce but as far as habitation goes we have equal rights to reside there. I plan on talking to the sheriff again prior to doing this exactly about false reports and what can be proactively done. Right now I am waiting for a phone call from my therapist to see if he has any convincing reasons why I should not do this. So far the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Our oldest daughter works in the studio but will only go there on her days off. WW works Tues, Thurs, Friday. Daughter doesn't want to be anywhere near her so schedules her clients on the other days. WW has alienated her firstborn daughter and five of her grandchildren by doing this. 1stDD and her hubbs have been a huge support for me in this. She is actually trying to find a way out of the studio but for now she is just bearing it.

Last Friday, as a courtesy, I sent WW an email explaining what my intentions were in telling the family and why I was doing it. We have a private group just for our family and I locked it down on Sunday and posted a letter to the family going into just enough detail from April 4th to present to let them know the truth about what is going on with us. I explained why I thought it was important to do this and what my intentions are in the future. 8 of the nine are being very supportive, the ninth is very very close to her mother in several ways and really laid into me for doing it. I do not hold it against her, it was rather expected by all. I still consider her my daughter and will treat her exactly the same as the rest. The only way this will get in public domain is if WW puts it out there. After it was posted, (2nd DD sent ss to WW) She text several of the kids. It was rather comical. She told them she did her best to keep this private and between us. She said "Your father is dragging you into this with his lies and for THIS I apologize." 5th DD who is in law school replied to her with scathing responses. I really wish I could post some of this on here but obviously that can't happen. Turns out she actually knew who the guy was even before I did. She can be a scary stalker at times and is going to make a great lawyer in two years.

I could not find any VAR locally, just ordered two on amazon will be here by Friday morning. In the meantime I'm going to try to make sure my phone is on and recording.

I really wish I would have found this site a month and a half ago, my situation would be a whole lot different. But I'm sure they hear that from most everyone new person around here. I have come to the conclusion that i must get out and quickly. I'm not moving back in looking for R. I am doing it so she doesn't sit too comfortably in our house and just slowplay things while I am stuck living in my shop.
 
#25 ·
I'm sorry you are afraid of her trying something like a false DV report. Do know that she can injure herself and say that you did it. So many women do that and it makes the valid cases harder to prosecute. But ask yourself this. If you already fear that, why are you even going back to her? You must have a reason for thinking that and I would hate to see that happen.

It is your choice but if you think she is capable of committing a crime by filing a false report, then you really should think twice about moving back.

If you still want to move back, be sure to go to your local PD and explain that you are in the process of trying to rebuild that marriage but that you have noticed her acting a little "off" and that you don't know if she is just overwhelmed or anything but you want them to be aware of your fear. But they will probably ask you the same question. If you think she's capable, then why go back.

Also the VAR or even the memo function on your phone will record and if she starts getting weird, record EVERYTHING. You can always delete "normal convos"

I would be very wary of going back if you are already thinking she will do that to you. But protect yourself in every way possible if you do go back.

I have had friends do that to their husbands and also husbands do that to my friends. One left, scratched his own face, called the cops and said he left before she could do more damage. She was arrested and charged later dropped but the arrest stays public record forever. Could your business survive if you had that out there where anyone with a computer can search? Please be careful
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#29 · (Edited)
I'm sorry you are afraid of her trying something like a false DV report. Do know that she can injure herself and say that you did it. So many women do that and it makes the valid cases harder to prosecute. But ask yourself this. If you already fear that, why are you even going back to her? You must have a reason for thinking that and I would hate to see that happen.
Posted via Mobile Device
FallenAngel, I had no intention of moving back into the house to R, merely to make her uncomfortable. Unfortunately since my last post my therapist did call and we had a good 30 minute discussion about this. He told me my reasons and rational were valid but, based on WW's actions so far there is a very very high risk of exactly what you stated in your post and he feels the risk assessment is not good. He fears she could come completely unhinged especially since I already outted her to our family earlier this week. I do tend to agree with him. I told him I will put it on the back burner for now and we will discuss it first of the week. This past month at least I have learned to control my impulses and consult someone before I act on most things.

I'd be willing to bet youre not listed as a co-owner of the property and probably not down to get title to or even live in the house if she kicks the bucket. Nevertheless, under tenant law you have a right to be there until evicted by the court. I suspect you'll be kissing that 900 sf room you build goodbye.
From a habitation standpoint, we both have every legal right to be there. I do still go over there. I just try to make sure it's when she is not around. I have even documented discussions with the sheriff about this just in case.
From a property division standpoint you are correct. But i am not concerned about that aspect. I have every intention of letting her have the house free and clear as long as I keep my company free and clear from her. Most everything else in our situation is pretty minor and petty to argue over. I'm just hoping she is in a "rational" mood come mediation on the 12th.
Yesterday she lit up on my office manager saying all bets are off because of the lies I am spreading all over the internet and she is going to destroy me for poisoning all the kids against her. No, I did not let this phase me at all. Unfortunately I'm a veteran with crazy and it's all coming back to me now.
 
#26 ·
I'd be willing to bet youre not listed as a co-owner of the property and probably not down to get title to or even live in the house if she kicks the bucket. Nevertheless, under tenant law you have a right to be there until evicted by the court. I suspect you'll be kissing that 900 sf room you build goodbye.
 
#31 ·
I say your best bet is to go full nuclear on her. Keep exposing her. Become the Johnny Appleseed of exposure. Get mean with her. Show her a side of you she has never seen before. Hire the meanest nastiest most cutthroat lawyer you can find and go for broke. What do you have to lose? Her? Your marriage? Those are gone anyway. Protect your business and demand your share of the property. Don't back down. It is the only way she will respect you.
 
#32 ·
:iagree:

I think the only 2 mistakes you made were not exposing sooner and not punching the OM out when he showed up at the lake.

And I'm not advocating violence but if any OM showed up in front of my family it would be his last.

You should have called him out and your wife out as well.

Shame on them.

Now show her the new you. She deserves it.
 
#34 ·
I do regret now not confronting them that day but I still had doubts about my own sanity. After all, we were trying to R, or so I thought. I didn't want to risk doing something in public I would regret later. Yes, I hesitated because of emotions at the time and justify it by saying "but what if I am wrong about the whole thing?" Well, I have added this non-action to the list of regrets I already have.

Once again, I sure wish I would have found this forum earlier in all of this.
 
#33 ·
Last month during our "reconciliation", or whatever the hell it was, a brief story went national about a certain vocal advocate for a certain ethnicity exposed for being a fraud and misrepresenting herself to the public. Well, that person was a friend of ours and one of WW's clients.

WW was livid when that story broke. "I can't believe she's been lying to me all these years after all the things we've done for her." "I just cannot associate with a person like that" and other statements along those lines. She had a an appt scheduled with her the week after she got back from her 15min of fame on all the morning talk-shows. The day before her appt, WW texted her firing her as a client. She responded with "Wow, you too? Okay".

I now look back on WW's self-righteous indignation towards this person and think. She lied about her skin color. Her transgression is like jaywalking compared to you and look what it did to her image and reputation. I wish I could get WW on the morning talk-show circuit.

One thing I am thankful for is that I fully understand that, when dealing with her thoughts and actions, logic and reason go completely out the window. This knowledge has saved me a lot of banging my head against the wall screaming "Why?" None of this is easy for me but prefacing any thoughts or memories of events with that knowledge has made this nightmare easiER to deal with.
 
#35 ·
Last month during our "reconciliation", or whatever the hell it was, a brief story went national about a certain vocal advocate for a certain ethnicity exposed for being a fraud and misrepresenting herself to the public. Well, that person was a friend of ours and one of WW's clients.

WW was livid when that story broke. "I can't believe she's been lying to me all these years after all the things we've done for her." "I just cannot associate with a person like that" and other statements along those lines. She had a an appt scheduled with her the week after she got back from her 15min of fame on all the morning talk-shows. The day before her appt, WW texted her firing her as a client. She responded with "Wow, you too? Okay".

I now look back on WW's self-righteous indignation towards this person and think. She lied about her skin color. Her transgression is like jaywalking compared to you and look what it did to her image and reputation. I wish I could get WW on the morning talk-show circuit.

One thing I am thankful for is that I fully understand that, when dealing with her thoughts and actions, logic and reason go completely out the window. This knowledge has saved me a lot of banging my head against the wall screaming "Why?" None of this is easy for me but prefacing any thoughts or memories of events with that knowledge has made this nightmare easiER to deal with.
Sorry you're here brother. The part in bold made me snicker. That would be an interesting piece for sure.
 
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#36 ·
I don't think it's a wonder at all that you raised all those children so successfully. You are a healthy, solid thinker with a good heart.

It sounds to me like your very next step should be making your break from her official with a lawyer. Have I missed that you've done that already? If you haven't, get legal counsel this week. Don't add another regret to your list.
 
#37 ·
The last two of our kids in college graduated this year. We attended our daughter’s ceremony on May 10th. On May 11th my wife went to neighboring town to do some stuff and when she came back it just instantly got weird.
On May 10th,"when the last two of your kids in college graduated", her need for you as a husband-father male provider came to an end. On May 11th, she began acting on that fact.
 
#38 · (Edited)
Unfortunately this was the possible conclusion I came to after I discovered everything a few weeks later. I sent her this email shortly after:

For thirty years I have stood here as a bulwark for those I loved. For thirty years I accepted that misery as part of the trials of responsibility. Selflessly sacrificing my emotions and my desires for the good of those I cared for. I'm not feeling sorry for myself for that or regretting it at all. I take great pride and joy in seeing the results. It was all worth it in my eyes.
Well, my war is over. The children are all grown and I look at them and how great they all have turned out and I do not regret a single one of those sacrifices I made. But that is just it, my job is complete. I now have the ability to make decisions out of pure selfishness and that is what I intend to do. We were planning on doing that together I thought and I was really looking forward to that.
I really liked the thought when you said a few months ago that, now that the kids are done we can start enjoying life together. I was all set to begin that journey with you this year. Apparently you wasted no time in starting without me.
You can say all you want about me. I am not perfect but I know I am a good man and a good husband. Betraying this vow is the worst thing a person can do to another. I did not even know this kind of pain existed and right now I so want you to feel it because it is unbearable. Only a cold, heartless empty shell of a person could do this to a good man. No good man deserves this and no good person would ever think of inflicting it.
Is there is a chance of reconciliation? I don't know. It's looking more and more like it's not even worth it. Putting myself through this hell for god-knows how long, only to get back together whenever you feel it's right. Then running the high risk of going right back down this road again at some future point. I don't know who you are but you are not my wife. You are some person heading down a path to devastation and despair and I have no desire to go there. Neither would my wife. Maybe something is going on with you that could be treated and, over time, my wife would reappear. At this point it only means I have to continue living in the conditions you have put me in and you don't give a **** while you live in the comfort of the world we built together. No care, no compassion.
Get help or don't get help, that is entirely your choice because, although my wife was more than worth fighting for, this person most certainly is not. Go join in with the river rats because their lives are all so wonderful. They don't have a care in the world. If, by some remote chance, my amazing wife shows back up, that would be wonderful but I am not going to just sit here like this forever hoping. I am selfishly moving on with my life because I am allowed to do that now, with or without you.


When I re-read that now I still see the Mr Nice Guy that probably contributed a lot to my present situation.

A week later is when she got ahold of me wanting to "reconcile" which turned out to be anything but. I still don't understand that episode in all of this other than I went about that all wrong.
 
#39 ·
It is amazing how a BS's perspective can change after listening to the advice on this forum. Don't beat yourself up. It's rare for any BS to make all the right moves in the wake of their devastation. The important thing is that you don't repeat the same mistakes.

The path to a successful R is a narrow one. Other than the BS's capacity to forgive, that path is largely defined by the WS's demonstrated remorse. Right now there is no path. Your mind set should be that you're headed straight to divorce.

Move back in that house.
 
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