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Turned Find My iPhone off, discovery options limited

99K views 325 replies 66 participants last post by  phillybeffandswiss 
#1 ·
Looking for advice on a next step. Super condensed version:
I left with kids for long camping weekend.
Saturday - Wife went to friends for dinner - I can validate by asking friends.

I had called at 8:15pm, no answer.
I called again at 10:04 and 10:15 (I suspected she was out) - no answer.

Friend of friends, male going through divorce, sends her a facebook
message at 10:26pm "Hey, where r u". No response from her on facebook messenger.

She calls back at 10:28 - "sorry I was sleeping, ringer was off". It is quiet in the background. We hang up (my mistake, should have validated her location somehow but I expected a revealing response on FB - nothing, so in hindsight no response because they were together - f'd up).

Fast forward today and I guess her iPhone code to check. No messages or phone calls, but I go to iphone email and there is a notice from iCloud that "find my iphone has been disabled" had been turned off - at 10:38pm on that same Saturday (why I think there was no response and they met somewhere).

I know the OM has sent her facebook messages, and she has replied, but they are deleted so fast I caught only a few (I was logged into her messenger on my phone).

Why snoop? Been cheated on by her in the past.

She was spooked two days later as she started bombarding me with calls/texts that I was ignoring while on last day of camp. She then went into cover up mode, de-activated facebook. So I don't know how her radar went off that I was on to her, had to be my attitude as I didn't confront and she had no idea how I was monitoring. I f'd up with her radar before I got anything more concrete and now she knows I know they have talked/met.

So... I'm 99% that she met him after they had dinner at mutual friends house, finding out what/where will be tough but I have to know as it equals divorce.

Because she knows some of my methods from a few years ago on how I caught her she is cautious (using facebook messenger instead of phone txt because they aren't logged), and will be incommunicado with him now.

Do I confront him and ask him to "confirm her story where they met", don't give any details and hope he fesses up? Any other ideas for next step? She will never just come clean without evidence, and I am out of historical data.

2 kids, married 15+
 
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#2 ·
Second time around. Why are you even looking. Just tell her you know what she did and tell her to leave. She's a serial cheat and can't quit.

Second time around you don't need proof. Just tell her your filing. Let her prove she's not guilty.

Call the om tell him he can have her. Just don't tell your "wife" your going to. Wait for her response.
 
#27 ·
Don't try to catch her for the past. Catch her in the future.

My recommendation though is if you are 99% sure she is cheating, the see a lawyer and start the divorce process. What's another 1%?
I would add to this, if you are in a state where alimony is at stake against infidelity, I would remain quiet. Get much more evidence. What you have is a lot of smoke. But! with previous, proven, infidelity, this smoke will lead to fire. She got spooked, and may cool this down a while. But, it will resurface again. She is most likely hiding something. How badly do you want the truth? She will never give it to you. Its hard, but you will need to play stupid for a while to get this.

If infidelity is not a solid bar to alimony, then just file. She is playing you one way or the other.
 
#5 ·
Do you have any other mutual friends who are connected to both wife and OM? Is his wife investigating his infidelity or does she already know? Since they are already going through a divorce perhaps he is either on radar of his own or he just cheats flagrantly because he doesn't feel married anymore. Either way if you're certain she's meeting this particular guy, it might be easier to find out from having someone else check in on the OM, since your wife already approaches every move with caution. I assume you just need confirmation of the affair for a solid divorce case, because you've already got plenty of reason to just go ahead and end the marriage.
 
#6 ·
I was 50/50 on if they met that night as his txt didn't get marked read. But the iphone location getting turned off changed my opinion - why turn it off if you are home asleep?

I know I am going to get a lot of serial cheat just divorce opinions, and it is probably correct, but knowing for sure would help my conscience regarding my kids. I hate knowing I'm a chump.
 
#7 · (Edited)
Do you have the password for her Apple iTunes/iCloud account?

Do you use an iPhone as well? If so, do you use the same iCloud account w/ your phone?

I'm assuming that you also have the password for the email account linked to her iCloud account... is this correct?

Who is this guy that was messaging her? Any history between them?
 
#8 · (Edited)
Seems as if she already has a track record, but if you are looking for the proverbial smoking gun, place a well-concealed VAR underneath her car seat!

Additionally, you need to do a somewhat thorough analysis of her cell phone/texting usage and look for "strange" phone numbers coming up rather frequently on it!
Once established, it's a piece of cake to find out who he is, even online!

In any event, I would already be in my lawyer's office getting the preliminary paperwork ready for D. It might also be a good idea to get yourself checked out by your doctor for the presence of any possible STD's!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#9 ·
Seems as if she already has a track record, but if you are looking for the proverbial smoking gun, place a well-concealed VAR underneath her car seat!

In any event, I would already be in my lawyer's office getting the preliminary paperwork ready for D. It might also be a good idea to get yourself checked out by your doctor for the presence of any possible STD's!

A VAR could work, especially if you pair it w/ a bluff to call OM.

And, obviously, you'd have to KNOW that she's in the car when you make the bluff.

Did you take a screenshot of the FB message?

Did you save the email?
 
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#10 ·
Chauncey - his wife left him because he was cheating on her with someone he worked with. In fact, this is the excuse my wife gave me for meeting alone (without mutual friends) with him initially - because he was "suicidal" over his divorce, can't see kids, new affair partner wants to leave him, blah, blah, she was just trying to help - and that it was only coffee because I was monitoring location at the time.

All - I realize this is all wasted effort and I should just divorce, somehow getting something concrete that they met helps me justify it more solidly in my mind - eliminating reasonable doubt.
 
#12 ·
Chauncey - his wife left him because he was cheating on her with someone he worked with. In fact, this is the excuse my wife gave me for meeting alone (without mutual friends) with him initially - because he was "suicidal" over his divorce, can't see kids, new affair partner wants to leave him, blah, blah, she was just trying to help - and that it was only coffee because I was monitoring location at the time.



All - I realize this is all wasted effort and I should just divorce, somehow getting something concrete that they met helps me justify it more solidly in my mind - eliminating reasonable doubt.

Honestly, you should've brought the hammer down -- and HARD -- w/ respect to any plans to meet up w/ a KNOWN adulterer.

Come on, man... get your boots on.
 
#14 · (Edited)
There are many more qualified individuals to give you the "what's next" responses here, but it certainly seems like something's up.

From my own POV, I'm not even sure I would pursue. If you're set on divorcing her if it turns out she screwed around, then I think you kind of already have enough in the bank to go that route. In other words, what's the point in trying to catch her?

If your relationship is already at the point where she's cheated on you once, and now she's acting extremely shady while you're gone away for the weekend - then what else are you expecting to find out?

One of the things many TAMers will tell you, post-affair, is that the spouse who did the cheating must make any and all efforts to do things like answer the phone, not have the ringer off, and generally be in constant contact with the betrayed spouse - especially when the BS is away from home for a period of time. Turning off location is also extremely sketchy. Why do that at all?

And equally important is that the methods in which the cheating spouse used during their affair must be kyboshed entirely. In your case, Facebook. Yet here she is, messaging the OM through Facebook. She suspects you snooped, so she deactivated her account. She deletes messages before you can read them, save for one or two. The OM sends her a message, in the evening, during a time where you are away from home with little to no chance of suddenly coming back, and he asks where she is. I'm not sure what other proof you require. The sheer fact that there's even still contact of any sort between them is enough, never mind one in which he's asking where she is, on a Saturday night, while she's home alone.

Also, what is she doing going out to dinner with friends, while this man is present? Never mind while you are not. He shouldn't be anywhere near her, or vice versa, whether you're with her or not (but especially if you're not).

When there's true reconciliation, post-affair, the cheating spouse needs to blow up all methods of communication, or at least make them all available to the BS, passwords, shared accounts, access to phone and browser history, etc. Clearly this hasn't happened, and you are still forced to snoop, and she is still forced to delete to cover her tracks.

Her behaviour alone is enough to condemn, IMO.

So to sum up:

She deletes messages
She deactivated her FB account when she suspects you might be looking at it
She disables location tracking
She doesn't answer the phone for several hours on a Saturday night, says she was sleeping
She's still in contact with the OM
He sends her a msg in regards to her whereabouts on a Saturday night, in which you are not home
This following a dinner with mutual friends
He is a known cheater
She has/had the urge to be a caretaker for him when he was "down"
She's cheated on you

This is enough, imo. Don't waste any more time, don't bother with a VAR, or trying to catch her. These things aren't coincidental, and there's no other logical explanation.

"Oh yes, honey, after I went out to dinner with our friends and OM, I went home and went to bed. I turned off the ringer and the location tracking because I didn't want you to know I was AT HOME SLEEPING. Oh, and I deactivated my Facebook account for no apparent reason. Oh, OM sent me a message that night asking me where I was? I didn't even see that! I have no idea what he wanted, honestly. Like I said, I went home to sleep and turned off every electronic device so I wouldn't be disturbed. Honest!"
 
#15 ·
Zack, the fact that you had to GUESS the unlock code to her iPhone doesn't bode well for you. Neither does your meek acceptance of the fact that she may start changing passwords soon.

Come on, man... did you set any terms w/ respect to any of these things the first time around?

Also, what kind of vehicle does your wife drive?
 
#24 ·
My ex wife had changed her passwords shortly before the marriage ended. At the time, I didn't think twice about it. Stupid me. Same password for her email for years - YEARS! Then she changes it. Said something about how her sister (an IT professional) suggested she change her password every few months for safety. I readily accepted this explanation, but mainly because when I realized her password was changed, my mind didn't even go there in the first place.

It does now. It doesn't mean that password changes mean anything, but it's most definitely a red flag, especially if one's spouse doesn't mention it, and had never done it before. Or better yet, if they're constantly doing it.

(btw, I wasn't snooping, we had plane tickets I had to print that were sent to her address, and she was downstairs at the time so I just went in to get them. "Invalid password". Huh? "Honey? Did you change your password?" Long silence, then she came up the stairs, and hovered over me after giving me the new one. Luckily for her, there was nothing in there (or nothing I saw, anyway... I've thought many times about that encounter since then...)
 
#17 ·
Well, she knows that you're onto her now, so there's no harm in insisting that she re-enable FMI on her iPhone. This will reveal to her that you've been looking at her phone and email, so be prepared to spell out to her that any changes to unlock codes or passwords for either will mean divorce.

This may prompt her to pick up a burner phone, and a VAR is your best bet for catching that.

You might also look into pick up some sort of discrete (*cough* hidden) camera solution for the house.

Does your WW work outside of the home?
 
#19 ·
Well, she knows that you're into her now, so there's no harm in insisting that she re-enable FMI on her iPhone.

This may prompt her to pick up a burner phone, and a VAR is your best bet for catching that.
She left her phone out tonight - I re-enabled FMI and know the icloud pw.

I swore I would never consider a var again - if it came to that I would file, somehow I'm breaking my own boundaries. And I am just procrastinating...
 
#18 ·
alexm - in most cases she didn't know I knew the passwords and so I hoped to provide a false sense of security, and in the FB message case that was true. Although she was still cautious as she immediately deleted.

I told her last time if there was "anything in the future she hides from me" she should consider it as her telling me she wants a divorce and I'll accommodate it. In fact that is what I planned on my return. Somehow I've talked myself out of immediate action - maybe they didn't meet and while the txt's were breaking the boundary I set I haven't filed. I am so goddamned frustrated with myself. If they met that night I can pull the trigger - not sure why I'm not with what I already know.
 
#20 ·
You should also insist that the FB account be reactivated, at which point you should change the password yourself... and not give it to her.

There's clearly something there that she doesn't want you to see.
 
#22 ·
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If she won't come clean at your request, hand over the phone and/or reactivate FB and show you everything, then get your ducks in a row. If she shows you and she's deleted things, you know her answer is a giant F U.

Get a lawyer, file for divorce. You're her husband, not her dad. Her scrambling to hide things shows that she is likely guilty of something. Let her go, she wants to do her own thing and she is not marriage material.
 
#33 ·
Fb messages are gone. Last ones I saw from him were "please respond" on Sunday, then "let's go back to normal, I don't want to lose you as a friend" and her reply something like "not going to lose me as a friend. I have family issues i have to deal with" but were deleted before I could capture

I am thinking of asking for her phone with Fb login and posing as her. Message him and say "I'm stressing out, husband doesn't believe I was at home alone Saturday after friends house, what should I tell him? He may go talk to friends or confront you in your office if I don't come up with something good"

Any down side?
 
#35 · (Edited)
Not really, no.

That said, if you have the password for the e-mail account to which her FB account is linked, you can probably pull this off w/o even telling her.

That's what I'd do.

ETA: On second thought, this might not be possible, as it hinges on the idea that you could use the "Forgot your password?" function in order to reset the password prior to re-activating the account... which may not be possible.
 
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#37 ·
This is exhausting, isn't it, Zack? All this worry and fear? And for what? The person who is supposed to have your back is lying to you and hiding things from you. Again. It's positively infuriating and humiliating and contemptible.

In my opinion, you should take a huge, deep breath and just let go of the fear. Your life won't end. Your kids will be OK. You'll be surprised at how relieved you actually feel once you make an affirmative decision not to take this crap anymore. Why should you take it? Why? Life is short and there's joy out there to be had. No one said that you don't get to partake in that joy.

You can pull the trigger now if you let go of the fear of changing something so big.

FTR, the 'he needed someone to talk to about his divorce' excuse is textbook cheater. So are all the other things you're telling us.

Don't despair, though. Life can be good for you if you screw up the courage to take the first big step here. Be a strong man and take back your life. Tell her she is no longer wife material and that you are divorcing her.
 
#39 ·
Sorry you are going thur this man. You are doing good and everyone here really does understand your hesitation to pull the plug. Hell I was in your same shoes 10 years ago. Wish tam was around then would have saved 4 months of her bs.

The reason people here are saying divorce her is we have been where you are at and know where this is going. She may never have stopped cheating just got way better at bidding it.

I would sit her down tonight and tell her that you 2 have 2 routes to take. Only 2! A quick easy divorce that saves your kids trama you 2 can do yourself a or a long nasty divorce that ruins your kids life's.

Tell her you are done with her lies you know exactly what happened when you went camping.... Maybe say PI as you are coughing. That you are done playing games with her and sharing her with other men. That you deserve someone who will be a good loving wife to you not a back stabbing liar.
 
#42 ·
Look it comes down to this. She cheated once before and you swallowed your pride and forgave her. She got another chance which is one more then she deserved, now she's at it again.

There's only so many times that you can be slapped in the face and what you need to do is rattle her cage by seeking a lawyer, filing, having her served and when she asks why just look at her and fire away and let her know that the trust is gone and she has herself to blame.

Put it in her lap and let her do the nail biting, loss of sleep and wondering about the unknown for a change. The only she can see what she has to gain is by her seeing how much she has to lose. Her problem. She brought it on and now she owns it. Let her make the next move but if she did it once and she did it twice there isn't anything ov value to hold on to. You can still be a great dad and not have the excess baggage of her.
 
#43 ·
Barring the normal ways of finding out where someone has been with their personal devices, there are still some options..

ios - Is it possible to access a list of wifi networks my iPhone has used? - Ask Different

If she has iCloud Keychain enabled and you can log into her account, you can check the names of the networks against this:

https://wigle.net

It may give you some odd locations worth investigating. It will only show you what she has connected to, however.


In the end, I probably wouldn't bother. You already know she is back to hiding stuff from you...
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#44 ·
Some wireless service providers have parental controls that let you track the phone location even when iphone find me is disabled. Check your provider's website and look at parental control options.
 
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