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New here and so upset! Long one, please read and advise....

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9K views 58 replies 23 participants last post by  RayJakeman 
#1 ·
I'm brand new here and I Need some advice and perspective!!

Hubby and I have been together 13 years, married for 9, two kids aged 8 and a 7 month old baby. Our life was picture perfect - been together since late teens/early 20's, put eachother thru school, built my husbands career - we have a beautiful home, two beautiful kids and wonderful group of friends we travel and do everything with. We were like the Cleavers! Everyone who knows us always says w have the "dream marriage". Sex is good, we are both in shape and active, always doing things together and as a family....

So I was BLOWN away last month - I read an article about the spotlight search on an IPHONE and how you can read deleted texts. I was 100% sure my husband would NEVER cheat on me - he promised me allllll the time he was not that type of man. Well on FATHERS DAY I found the deleted texts - it's hard to make sense of them because they show up out of order and no date, but they were obviously suspicious things like "I have a huge d***" and "send me more pics!! You're smoking hot!!!"

I sent the kids to my dad and confronted him and he hung his head and admitted everything...here's his claim:

10 months ago (I was 7 months pregnant) he got bored with porb so started browsing craigslist as a new form of porn. Says he did that for a few months till he thought it'd be more exciting to contact them. So he set up a fake email account and started emailing girls two weeks before our second son was born!! Dirty emails about what wants to do to them and asking for pics and to make plans to meet up. This went on for months - he says he would go a couple days or weeks without doing it because he knew it was wrong, but then start doing it again. When he was doing it he would do it for 3-4 days I. A row emailing dozens and dozens of girls at a time.

Emails then escalated to texts. He got a few addressss and arranged meet ups - now that I know he says he NEVER went thru with any of them, it was just so they would keep sending him pics.

He did admit to meeting one girl at a bar for beers - I called her and she told me they met for beers and she was annoyed because he talked about me and the kids the whole time. He said he did that because he felt soooo guilty the whole time.

He has told me "everything". I have all his passwords and have read every email. None actually indicate he went thru with anything...

We are paying a fortune for couples counseling. The counselor even told me he can see the shame and regret in my husband....

He says he is 10000% committed to me. We have started going to church again and it is really helping him. After every sermon he says he feels even worse about what he did because he realizes how bad he messed up...

The only contact he had with a girl was on a business trip...his coworkers all got drunk and they wound up at a strip club. He admitted to a lap dance. I'm sick to my stomachs, but appreciate that he's being honest about the details no matter how embarrassing they are to admit.

Everyday he gets home and give and his phone to look thru. We are on the same iCloud account so I can't see his exact location and websites he's on...he does seem to be trying...

I just can't get past the hurt!!!

I know emotional affairs with one person are very hard, it at least they make sense. This doesn't make any sense. He went looking in the scuzziest place on earth - he said he liked the thrill of the chase and the excitement of getting a reply. My husband is good looking and said he didn't feel like I appreciated him enough. He liked being told how hot he was....

This went on for months!!! He talked to so many girls...saw soooo many pictures of naked girls bodies. I hate it...

Another bad part is that all of our friends know. The night I found out I was so upset I thought our marriage was over so I told them all...we do everything with these families. All our kids are in school and sports together...its all so embarrassing. Like I said, we were the golden family everyone looked up to...

Where do I go from here? Can he really change? Or should I just throw in the towel...????
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#3 ·
No, she told me that. He met her on CL that morning and they met for beers that afternoon, I have every email. I fexted her the day I found out and she told me everything - she said she was annoyed because she felt like he was using her as a therapist. She told me she knew all about our wedding in Hawaii and how we met and blah blah blah...they met for beers that one time and I found out a week later. I saw the receipt for the beers and he was home on time so I know they didn't go anywhere after...

I don't think he's hiding anything anymore, that's not my concern so much as can I ever get over this hurt....
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#20 · (Edited)
Yeah, cause some skank on Craig's List would NEVER lie about ANYTHING...

Lady wake up, and fast, before you catch an STD you can't get rid of.

I know MANY guys like your husband and they ALL close the deal, if they can.

And if for w/e reason he didn't bang this garbage, he's definitely banged other trash.

LOL, using Craig's List just to live out an emotional affair. If you say so...
 
#4 ·
If this was an escalation from porn, it sounds like sex addiction. Needing to go to more and more extremes to get the dopamine high. I know many debate whether that's a "real" addiction or not. Hope not to make this a thread jack.

If that's the case, few recover without outside help. If he's a Christian, I'd recommend Celebrate Recovery, which has helped me immensely. It could also help you to recover from the pain of betrayal.
 
#5 ·
Thank you for your response! We both wondered for a moment of he had a sex addiction, but neither his personal counselor nor our couples counselor think that is the problem...

Like I said in our original post - from the outside we were the perfect family. Our counselor thinks we both put way to much pressure on ourselves to live up to a ridiculous standard and in the end left him feeling inadequate...the perfect home, nice cars, beautiful kids, vacations - I thought we had it all, he was left feeling powerless and like he couldn't please us....? Not that I'm excusing what he did, I'm just realizing my fault in our marital problems. If I could go back 10 months ago before this started I would do so many things differently...

He's always been an amazing husband...until all this. He was very attentive to me and the kids...I had no clue any of this was going on. So then to read texts and emails where he tells woman what he wants to do to them, it's heart breaking. None of it is fetish stuff - just pretty much regular old sex, but it's hard to hear him talk about that...he said it was fun to do and see their reaction...?

Our counselor says we humans have a way of justifying our actions to ourselves to make thibgs ok...he said during all this time when I thought everything was ok and I was the new-mommy world with my sweet baby at home, he told himself it wasn't cheating because it was just words on a screen....and now the counselor and church has made him realize no, they are not just words. He know sees what he did was an affair, because those words and thoughts were promised to me and only me. I had that he met a girl for drinks and even went to a strip club. Those are so out of character for him....

I want my marriage to work, but I'm scared its to late...I'll always know he's seen all those pictures and videos of other womenZ f
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#14 ·
Thank you for your response! We both wondered for a moment of he had a sex addiction, but neither his personal counselor nor our couples counselor think that is the problem...
He very well might not have an issue with a sexual addiction. For it to be an addiction, I would think it would need to be much more intense over a many year period.

It could be a one-time thing and he gave into the temptation. Now you both know he's got this weakness so you can protect your marriage against it.
 
#6 ·
I can understand you. But I think you did wrong telling all your friends about it. That will come back to haunt you. This may even induce him to leave you. You have done the most terrible thing to him. And it wont do you any good either. I dont think therapy will help, he is likely to do it again and you have to learn to live with it if you still want to stay married.
He says he never went through with it and you believe him, so it's not the 'worst'.
I think you should forgive him at least try to, you will both get over it.
 
#7 ·
Yeah! Keep it secret! That's the ticket!

Ummm.... No. That's not the ticket.

Now everyone knows they can help him to not do anything so self-destructive again.

He risked his marriage for a few photos of other women's lady bits? What a twit!

OP I think there's a chance for your marriage.

We will help you. :)
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#8 ·
OP,
I understand your feelings entirely. Your H's mind is now full of images that should be you but are not. He has expanded his database and you are now just another byte. Ultimately what led him to do what he has done is immaturity. As we mature we begin to realize that life is a compromise and that what we want is rarely what we need. We develop the ability to seperate our wants from our needs and we also realize that our wants are quite often not only unnecessary but potentially damaging to us. He has not reached this place yet and the real question is does he have the ability to.

If he can mature, through whatever means, then change is possible. If he cannot, then he will be this way throughout his lifetime. It falls to you to make this determination whereon your decision to stay or leave rests. Ultimately only time can prove definitively if he has the ability to grow beyond this. His actions will prove or disprove his words. So my advice would be to observe him carefully and adopt a trust but verify approach for whatever amount of time you feel is reasonable and note his progress or lack thereof.

Lastly, as Matt said, having his actions exposed is necessary for him to face and deal with the consequences of his actions. That is a necessary part of growing up, one cannot mature if one is not held accountable. Adults take ownership of their actions and accept full responsibility for them. I wish your family good fortune.
 
#10 ·
I agree about accountability and exposure! I certainly don't think my telling him was the worst thing I could do to him - I'm sorry, but I disagree on that!! What I regret is who I told - maybe a family member or someone else would have been better. Our friends are amazing and have all came forward to reveal some problems their marriages shave survived as a way to give us hope. We learned one couple survives addiction to pills and alcohol and multiple rehabs, and another survived a one night stand affair years before we met them. Even knowing all that now, it's still incredibly embarrassing when I see them.

We are working 100% to save our marriage, we both are - but I'm scared of the judgment from others. I know what others think should be the last of my worries, but it's hard not to think about....

I'd love to hear success stories of spouses getting caught and never doing this again! I'm just sooo hurt for how long it carried on. He emailed sooooo many woman, and asked most of them to meet up. He says he never would have gone thru with it it was just the thrill of the chase and flirting....I guess I can understand that but my dear is that what if he never met any of them only because the timing/location/plans never worked out? What if the details had worked out...would he have? I'll never know...

I'm sitting in church right this very moment while he checks our older son into the kids area and am just so ready to pray for my marriage.

How long will I think about this constantly?? I tell him at any given time when he looks at me that he can bet on the fact I'm thinking about it. It's consuming me :(
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#21 ·
Our friends are amazing and have all came forward to reveal some problems their marriages shave survived as a way to give us hope. We learned one couple survives addiction to pills and alcohol and multiple rehabs, and another survived a one night stand affair years before we met them. Even knowing all that now, it's still incredibly embarrassing when I see them.

We are working 100% to save our marriage, we both are - but I'm scared of the judgment from others. I know what others think should be the last of my worries, but it's hard not to think about....
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OP, when you see your friends after they have told you their problems, what do you think about them? Do you judge them? Or do you appreciate they told you and pray you come out of this stronger?
What has helped in the past in obsessing on what people think about me is by putting myself in their shoes. I know am not that judgemental and more often than not I empathise with people; I assume others will do same for me. Whether they do infact do that does not matter because I have zero interest in being a mind reader.

Goodluck with everything. Sorry am not an expert in CWI so can't advise on that
 
#12 ·
We are in couples counseling right now - it's almost $200 an hour and we're going an hour a week...I have a counselor I can call, but right now were spending close to $700-800 a month, I can't add anymore on top of that...

Our marriage counselor does take time with us individually when he thinks we need it, and then brings us back in together to discuss.
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#13 ·
OP,
One piece of advice that I hope you can take to heart. We all should live our lives for ourselves and our families. As long as we are doing our best, what those outside of that circle think is their issue to deal with. You mentioned church. Assuming Christianity, think of how Christ was considered by most in his time and yet it did not dissuade him from his goal. If you end up divorcing your H because of the betrayal, the lack of trust, his immaturity or any valid reason stemming from his infidelity then so be it but I implore you do not discard your marriage, your family, over what others may think about you for staying with him. That would be a travesty of the highest order.

Your friends, and they do seem to be friends, shared personal information with you regarding some painful times in their lives. They understand your discomfort and your embarrassment and they wanted to help alleviate that by sharing. Accept their offer and realize that facing problems in life is inevitable and how we deal with them displays our character. Do you think any less of your friends? Then why would you believe they think any less of you? If they do, then they are not true friends anyway. Trust your friends and your friendships. Let your decision to save your family be based on your H's ability to change, your ability to forgive, but never on what other people will think, that is irrelevant.
 
#15 ·
Well, this is a huge, hurtful betrayal, isn't it? So, of course, it is very hard for you to process.

My problem with your story is that they all say that they were curious and it was a fantasy and they just wanted pictures, but they never went through with it. They always say that, but it is almost always a lie.

Your case might be the rare exception, but if I were you, I would keep digging for the truth. If you do the work to reconcile and then find out that he indeed did follow through, then your reconciliation will likely not work. I think you should do everything you can to push for the truth. Even if he never made it physical, I still would bet that there is more.
 
#16 ·
Sorry you are here.
No matter how much more you learn, the betrayal is done. Now it is up to you whether you want to reconcile with your WH. I know I couldn't if this happened to me personally but we all have different responses.
If you do want to make it work, you must insist he gets intensive IC, followed by intensive MC. You yourself might benefit from IC. You must tell him that it is up to him to put things right. He must be made to understand the damage he has caused.
It seems as if he is remorseful but the truth is things will never be the same. You will never trust him again the way you did. If you and he can live with that then maybe there is some hope. However, the amount of work needed will be long and painful, only you can make the choice to reconcile or call it quits. Some men do this and see the hurt and destruction they have caused and never repeat their mistakes, some don't.
 
#17 ·
You should ask him for his iPhone and have a PI download all his past texts and messages.

Then you will most likely know the truth.

If he is truly remorseful he will allow you access to his phone.

Before any true reconciliation can take place you have to know "all" the truth to the best of your ability.

And your H has to be truly remorseful and wanting to work on himself, his issues and the marriage.
 
#19 ·
Welcome, and I am so sorry you are here.

I think your marriage may still have a chance because your husband confessed to more than what you found. But please keep in mind he may be confessing more, hoping you will believe it is less than what it truly is. As others have said, keep your eyes open. Don't rug sweep. He is showing remorse and that is good. I truly believe you must know the whole truth to really move forward, but how do you ever really know when you have it all?

I'm in a similar situation, although my spouse did meet up with other people including prostitutes. My husband denies most of his actions even with hard black and white evidence. He is showing no remorse, but does not want to lose us. We are in the process of a divorce.
 
#22 ·
I read the cl adds, mostly because my ex had a history, not her personally but her exbf was big into cl adds, and I've dug up some online archives where it appears they were into pretty raunchy stuff together. She denies it, her sexual enthusiasm during our relationship was pathetic, so I tend to believe her...

That's what drew me in, the enthusiasm of the cl personal ad. I never did contact anybody, but I did fantasize about some of the very graphic sexual nature of the posts.

I could see how if I wasn't involved, I may contact somebody, just to see if they are real, but the ad would have to really spark, and let's face it, enthusiasm is just a façade for desperation.
 
#23 ·
AFAM, don't worry too much of what others are thinking of you and your husband. You did nothing wrong. You exposing your husband's action is a good thing. You both can now get support and help from your family and friends.

It's surprising you think you marry this person and its your marriage. Between the two of you. Then, something like this happens and you realize your marriage affects so many people. I am sure everyone is hoping and praying you work thru this.

That being said, its now up to your husband to change his ways and work towards creating trust and a stronger marriage. And its up to you to figure out how much you can withstand.
 
#25 ·
Wow! First off, I'm not in some la-la land trusting everything that is told to me. I'm a smart person and not a fool...

To be honest, what did that girl have to gain by lying to me? It's hard
To explain it, and I probably would roll my eyes at this too, but I did believe her. she had no idea I would contact her, I got her number from a deleted text. She had no idea who I was or what my husband had already told me. He told me the entire story - about a week before busting him he had found her ad on CL and emailed her. They spent the morning emailing and texting land he said she was the only normal sounding girl he had "chatted" wth the entire 6 months he had been searching the ads so he asked her to meet him at a restaurant/bar after work. Both their stories and timeline match up - he had been texting me that whole day too, and now his texts to me make sense. They met for about an hour at this restaraunt, had a beer and then he drove home. There were no texts or phone calls between them after that, I know that for sure. She said she was annoyed because she thought she was finally meeting a nice dude, but he talked about us the entire time. That's how she knew about our wedding and stuff...she said he told her he was looking for "a companion to hang out with..." Honestly at that point what did she have to gain by lying to me? She answered every single question I had, without knowing what my husband had already told me and their stories were same..

As for his side of it - he says the whole time he was driving to meet her and even sitting at the table he was thinking "what the f@&$ are you doing here? You're married, you have a beautiful wife and two kids at home" and he said at that moment he knew he never would have been able to go thru with it....whether that's the truth I guess I'll never know...

But I guess I could be doing the same, or anyone could, and we'd never know...I'm left with the choice of I trust him NOW or not. He knows if I find out more, I'm gone. He's had the chance to tell me EVERYTHING so I could get over it all at once...


I can tell he feels shame and regret. The details are embarrassing and he's offering them to me on a silver platter. He's synced our phones so I can receive every text message he sends and recovers, I can see his location at all times and his websites he's on. He really seems to be trying to be transparent.

I realize he could have another phone or something....I brought that up during counseling. My counselor said I couldn't see the forest thru the trees....he said my husband is making a huge gesture and I have to decide to accept it or not. But if I don't want to accept it then we are wasting our time a money. If I'm not willing to try and trust again at some point than the marriage can not be saved.

I don't think he was trying to fulfill a EA online...i think maybe he did get consumed by all this. Since finding out, I've been consumed with sights like this...I tell myself "I'll read just one more story" and an hour later....he said that's exactly what happened with him on CL. And after a day or two he'd tell him "this is wrong! No more!" And he's stop for a few days or weeks...and then I'd be busy with the baby or we'd have a fight and he'd do it again :(

I'm not stupid, I know he could be lying still...but for the first 12.5 years of our relationship he was a good man. He said he will do anything to get back to being that man for me...I really hope we are the small percentage that can survive this
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#26 ·
To the rest of you offering comfort and support a thank you a million times over!!!!!! It feels so good to hear from others who understand what I'm going thru!

I love the comparison of doing a puzzle without all the pieces. He's answering every single question I have, but because I wasn't in his head the whole time, it's hard to know where the gaps are or what's missing, Ya know?

I would never judge our friend selfie what they've been thru, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't awkward to be around them in the roles were reversed. Our husbands all play on a baseball team together and the wives and kids go every Friday night to watch the games. It's simple, but it was something we always looked forward to every week. Last Friday was the first night I went since finding out - it was so very awkward, but no one brought it up so that was good. Our kids soccer team will start practicing soon so I will be seeing them 2 nights a week plus Saturday games, so I'm hoping with time it will get less awkward...

I think he really did see just how much he had to lose. Can the wandering spouse be In a fog while they are doing it and really not anticipate the consequences?? Or am I just wishful thinking?

To the one who asked if I could find less expensive counseling...unfortunately no. The area we live in, that is the going rate. We live in California in an area where everything is astronomically expensive, $200 an hour was actually less than some others...and our insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling.

Again, thank you all for your replies and support. It really does help to get this all out there. And I welcome any more questions or anything, inthibknits good for me to see other perspectives just to keep me in check, even if they are hard to hear...
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#30 ·
Yes, that is how he explains it - lonely.

I admit to my fault in our marital problems - everyone warned us to take care of our marriage and make time for eachother, but then kids come and it's so easy to get wrapped up in them. Couple time became family time - we had wonderful family time all the time and I was happy, but he was scared to admit to me that he was feeling satisfied. He says he felt like family time should have been enough - he says "I had it all, what did I have to be unhappy about?" So he didn't try and talk to me about it because he didn't really understand it. The counselor is helping him with that so he doesn't wind up in the place again, and it helping us with our marriage too.

I'm not justifying what he did or saying I deserved it, just saying I see my fault in the problems leading up to it. When he'd suggest a date night and to get a sitter, I'd suggest a family night out instead because I love spending time with our kids. I wasn't fulfilling that need for him. Do I wish he'd have handled it differently? Yes!!!!! But I see now he was lonely and that makes me sad that I made him feel that way. I may get bashed for admitting that, like I'm making excuses for him - I'm not...it's just that I always thought I was a great wife and it's hard to hear that he was unhappy.
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#31 ·
The bottom line is this OP:

1) Your husband may or may not still love you. No one can see into his heart and all you have is his actions to go by. Talk is cheap and he's a proven liar.

2) Your husband desires to have sex with other women. FACT. Whether this was because he's bored in your relationship, lost attraction, etc. is irrelevant.

3) Your husband can not be trusted right now. Many cheaters go underground and continue their activities. Unfortunately, you have become a part time warden.

4) Your husband almost certainty has had physical relations with other women. You MUST assume that and decide accordingly if you STILL want to reconcile.


Browsing Craig's List is just slightly above hiring a prostitute. Make sure he gets tested for STDs before you touch him with a 10 foot pole. Then test yourself just to make sure.

This OW has every reason to lie. She doesn't want some crazy wife coming after her. You think "nice" women respectful of marriages hang out on Craig's List posting sex ads?

No one thinks your stupid, we just don't want you to be naive. You want to assume the best (i.e. it was just an EA), you have to assume the worst (i.e. PA with multiple women).

He's not some teenager where sex is a big deal. He's an adult and adults have sex. If you make it so far as to jump on CL and meet up. It's incredulous nothing has happened so far.

Since you like comparisons think of it this way. People don't walk into a McDonald's to look at the menu and leave. They go in to get their junk food craving satisfied, period.
 
#34 ·
I see what you're saying, I really do!! These are all thoughts that go they my head constantly....

Ok tell me honestly what to make of this...

He gave me the password to his secret email and I've seen all of them. There www only about 10-15 where he gave out his phone number, the rest went nowhere. Of those few, I am able to then jump to the texts and see what was said...so one of them he gave his number and she started texting him and send him a picture and they flirted for a few texts...then bam she asks what he wants and how much she charges and he replies "sorry, was not looking for an escort and not interested anymore". another time someone asked what he's looking for and he replied "someone to hang out with, companionship and maybe more is there is mutual attraction"...Now these were deleted texts so he has no idea I would ever see them. Those were his honest answers to a random girl...

So do I know for sure nothing happened? No. But he never knew I'd see that...

Give me honest opinions that I may not have thought of myself...
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#33 ·
No, no red flags at all!!

I'm in an online mommy group and one woman posted a story about finding deleted texts on her hubby's phone and urged all of us women to check...I thought "I'll show her, my husband would never..."
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#36 ·
Hmmm, interesting opinion. Maybe they don't, but I am who I am and that is who he CHOSE to marry. I'm a pre- school teacher whose hobbies are running and baking. I'm a soccer mom, on the PTA, classroom volunteer. I'm a church going Christian...he knew all of this the day he proposed and the day he said I do. He says I am exactly what he wants.... But he "got lost for awhile".

If not June Cleaver, what is it that men want?
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