Wife cheated on me with my dad.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-11-2011, 01:26 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife cheated on me with my dad.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. I am 27 and she is 23. We have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. In December we decided to let my dad move into our home to help him straighten out his life. He is an alcoholic, and compulsive gambler.

I worked about 50 hrs a wk., and that left my wife and dad a lot of alone time. After a few months she started drinking heavily with my dad and our relationship was deteriorating. One night I went to bed and they stayed up drinking (one of many times) and I got up a few hours later and over heard my dad telling her how he loved her and wanted to "lay naked in the rain with her". I freaked out and the next day he apologized and told me how bad he felt and that it would never happen again. My wife told me he had to leave. Me, being a loving son, still wanted to save my dad. I really believed that he was sorry and that he was just drunk and that he wouldn't let it happen again. I talked to him and my wife and told them that i could forget about it because he really did need help and I didn't want to just give up on him because of it.

He stayed. About a month or so later, the same situation (I went to bed and they were up drinking) I over-heard him saying how he wants to cuddle with her and he told her he loved her and she said it back. I started throwing punches at my dad and my wife pulled me off of him. The next day we all had a talk and agreed that he had to move out. He just had to find a place to go first. After a few days of looking for a place for him I was in denial that my wife or my dad could do this to me and decided to let him stay.

Well, it is now July and I caught my wife and my dad doing the dirty. I beat the sh!t out of my dad (the ambulance took him away) and I am living at my mom's house for the time being.

I would really like to make things work with my wife because I love her dearly, but this is the most disgusting thing that I could imagine happening. We have a 2 year old daughter that I refuse to let be raised by a step father of any sort. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful.

Thank you in advance,
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Sorry for you to be here under such terrible circumstances. This betrayal must be absolutely gut wrenching and revolting.Your dad should be drawn and quartered. He has no right to ever see his grandchildren. Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights.

Your wife needs AA and IC. Is she remorseful? Or is she staying with your dad in your house? She must never be in contact with your dad ever again. Did she have you removed from the home?
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Old 07-11-2011, 02:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Where is your wife in all this----you knew time after time, things were bad----you chose your father over your mge., and now you are paying the price---cuz you also did not stop your wife from drinking

What do you want now---as previous poster stated where is your dad, is he in your home with your wife---if so----and they are in a full blown A., you might as well just get a D., cuz you will never recover from the double betrayel

What does your wife have to say for her actions----she can't be that simple minded that she didn't know what was going down---why didn't she put a stop to what happened---she knew it was all wrong, yet she persisted in drinking, and having sex, to the ruination of the mge----WHY----is it that she is just an immature girl with the mind of a teen-ager, even if she is in her 20's----
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Old 07-11-2011, 03:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

I am so sorry. I can not imagine the pain of this double betrayal.

1. You were betrayed by your Father
2. You were betrayed by you wife

You are going to have to work really hard to separate those two.


I am not that radical here but this is clear cut. Your Father tried to destroy your life.. This is a mind boggling betrayal.. I am so sorry.

Your wife..
She chose [drunk or not] to have sex with your Father.

What does she have to say about it?
Drinking with him seems really odd..

You need to get help on this one. It is almost too much to process.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to?


Again. I am deeply sorry and my heart goes out to you.

Last edited by ing; 07-11-2011 at 05:06 AM. Reason: toning down..Edited for calrity
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Old 07-11-2011, 03:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Please, tell us more, did it go all the way?
Were is your wife at right now ?
How drunk was your dad on the night you caught him?
You need to see someone ASAP, to get this off of your head.
Has this ever happened to your wife before in other relationships?
Your wife said, he had to leave,maybe she was having a hard time with him, or maybe blackmail was happening.
What state do you live in? You may have to call the cops on this so you can get your son free and clear.
Is it's possible there was date rape drugs involved?
Does your dad suffer from mental illness at all?
I can not even think how you must feel about this. Do not kill your self over this, you need to be there for your son.

Please try to get some help, this is way more then a simple infidelity with the wife.
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Clearly this is revolting and the actions themselves speak for themselves, requiring no comment.

Providing him with an environment where he could drink all night with a young woman was never going to help his problems. She was a strong enabler for his alcohol problems. Aside from the sex which speaks for itself, he also was an enabler for your wife's own alcohol problems. A mother of a 2 year old drinking all night regularly at home is an alcohol problem.

I don't mean to be harsh but even without the sex or the sexual advances, this was not an environment where he could 'straighten out his life' and I think that would have been clear based on the lifestyle of all night drinking together that formed. Based on this alone, why didn't you change things early on?
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

unforgivable, use her disgusting behavior to gain custody of your daughter. If you take her back, you're as crazy as your dad.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Yes it went all the way. My dad is out of the house. My wife feels horrible and says she will never forgive herself. I know I should have stopped them hanging out all the time and I should have listened to her when she said he needed to go. I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening.

She was a born again Christian when I met her. That obviously fizzled away... We have talked about trying to make our marriage work and she says the only way to do that is with God in our lives. I am going to propose to her that I will try going to church with her every Sunday if she goes to AA.

Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes it went all the way. My dad is out of the house. My wife feels horrible and says she will never forgive herself. I know I should have stopped them hanging out all the time and I should have listened to her when she said he needed to go. I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening.

As far as I know my father doesn't have any mental problems. And no there were no drugs involved.

She says it was the only time they had intercourse, but that they had kissed before when they were drunk. She also said that she had cuddled with him in bed a few times also.

She was a born again Christian when I met her. That obviously fizzled away... We have talked about trying to make our marriage work and she says the only way to do that is with God in our lives. I am going to propose to her that I will try going to church with her every Sunday if she goes to AA.

Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
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Talk to your pastor about a christian oriented programs relating to childhood sexual abuse, alcoholism, and affairs. You may also find some online as well.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

I believe you and your wife need more than AA and going to church. Those things are good first steps.

However, there are serious issues that need addressing with a psychiatrist (wife) and marriage counseling for the both of you.

As for your father? Have nothing to do with him ever again.

He is a toxic, evil man.
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Hi Dirt, you are a codependent. Codependents are compassionate people who want to help others. Both your dad and your wife have problems and in some ways you’ve been looking to change them, improve their lives. But people with very deep problems can actually drag you down with them. Sometimes no matter how much you love them it is better to let them go and then there’s a chance they may heal themselves.

You have been seriously betrayed by two people who should be your anchors in life, who should love and support you instead betraying and abusing you.

You have to take care of yourself Dirt so you can be there for your daughter. You are on a little journey and I would suggest you look up codependency and buy some books on the subject.

I’m 62, a father of two sons in their 30s. I really feel for you and would love to give you some time here to recover from your shock and trauma. Do not be afraid of reaching out to anybody and talking with them about your innermost thoughts and feelings.
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
Yes it went all the way. My dad is out of the house. My wife feels horrible and says she will never forgive herself. I know I should have stopped them hanging out all the time and I should have listened to her when she said he needed to go. I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening.
Yes you should have stopped it ,and she did ask you to. At the same time I am not surprised you couldn't believe it was happening.
It is almost unbelievable.
This however does not excuse your wife choosing to do it. It is good she feels bad. This is a good start.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
As far as I know my father doesn't have any mental problems. And no there were no drugs involved.
No OTHER drugs involved and pursuing your sons wife is not the sign of a stable mind. Sorry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
She says it was the only time they had intercourse, but that they had kissed before when they were drunk. She also said that she had cuddled with him in bed a few times also.
I think that it would be hard to do it twice for almost anyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
She was a born again Christian when I met her. That obviously fizzled away... We have talked about trying to make our marriage work and she says the only way to do that is with God in our lives. I am going to propose to her that I will try going to church with her every Sunday if she goes to AA.
I would also suggest professional help. IC for her. IC for you and MC for both of you. This is a big one.
It is not enough to sweep this under the rug. If she wants to attend church then she should.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
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You can't deal with this on your own Dirt. You are too close and hurt to be of any use.

PLEASE get some professorial help for you and your wife.

I have to agree that your Father has to deal with it himself. You really can't have him in your life after this.
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Ewwwwww.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheated on me with my dad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
I got up a few hours later and over heard my dad telling her how he loved her and wanted to "lay naked in the rain with her". I freaked out and the next day he apologized and told me how bad he felt and that it would never happen again. My wife told me he had to leave. Me, being a loving son, still wanted to save my dad. I really believed that he was sorry and that he was just drunk and that he wouldn't let it happen again. I talked to him and my wife and told them that i could forget about it because he really did need help and I didn't want to just give up on him because of it.
You need better boundaries and a reality check.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dirt View Post
[B] Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
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Irrelevant. And as long as you are rationalizing her behavior away (and your dad's), you will never see how screwed up this is.

My advice is to to move on get some counselling for yourself. To find out why you thought it was ok for him to stay after all of that and find out why you are still excusing your wife's behavior.
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