How would you really know if your spouse is telling you the truth?
After I discovered that my spouse had a secret life online ~ porn, camming and chatting ~ he's told me things that do not make sense with what I saw and experienced during this particular time in our marriage.
Plus, the excuses and explanations he gave me for this behavior are full of contradictions.
Doesn't a story add up and make sense if it's true?
He's lied to me about so much that I feel the trust is... just gone. I used to believe in him and whatever he told me.
How can I tell if he's not lying? My husband is a master liar, I think.
My intuition tells me that he's still hiding something.
Trust your intuition. I have been with two cheating wives and my intuition was right everytime. You will never truly know the entire truth. Openess and transparency is paramount for trust that is needed to make a marriage last.
You be come a member of the cheating police. You do your own investigation, VAR, GPS, keyloggers, and CC statements.
Its BS to live this way but its a choice that some make. One in which I have made. My cheating wife has been playing it straight and even though I still validate her actions, it gives me a peace of mind that I make a pretty good detective.
Oh, the idea of being a sleuth/watcher for a while ~ do I want to live like this, can I endure living like this, that's the question?
I trusted him completely ~ never questioned him about anything and now I distrust everything he says.
I hate it.
I just wish he would be honest. The lies kill a marriage. Our marriage counselor says, "If you knew more, would it make any difference?"
"It would. I have to know what happened in my life for the past decade ~ make sense of it. I understand that I can't erase the past, what's done is done, but if he's not coming clean about what he did now that means he's still lying and how do you build a new foundation of the marriage when there are still lies at its core?"
She just shrugs.
I feel depressed.
And my husband says, "You know everything."
And yet, if I did, then why doesn't what I know make sense?
So we are in gridlock.
By the way, how much information can you get from a credit card statement?
Any advice on what to look for specifically? Where do I even begin?
If you still feel like he's hiding something, then trust your gut.
When I found out about my husband's affair he "trickle truthed" at first claiming it was only an EA. Finally he revealed the PA. For days I felt like I was married to a stranger, didn't believe a word he said. Finally, he confessed an affair from 10 years ago. It was horrible information to find out and added to my devastation, but at the same time an odd relief. It was a turning point, because suddenly I felt like I recognized my husband again. I can't really describe the feeling, but for the next few weeks I asked any question I wanted and he answered it. Some of the answers were painful to hear, but at least I felt like I was getting the truth.
Good luck and keep stressing to your H that to move forward, you need to know the truth. If you are going to invest your time, emotion, and faith into R, you want it based on full disclosure. I always tell my H, "No more bombshells". If your H has a hidden bombshell, now's the best time for him to reveal it. By confessing now, he can finally start to rebuild trust. If it comes out later, it will bring you right back to d-day and destroy any trust gained back.
My H says in some strange ways he feels better than he has in 10 years, because he has no more secrets. Said he used to worry about taking the old affair to the grave. Living with the guilt for a decade made him weak to a second affair. Your H has been living with this secret for 7 years, trust your gut if you think there's more to the story.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, good luck.
Our marriage counselor says, "If you knew more, would it make any difference?"
I say shame on your MC for not understanding that Yes, it would make a difference in that you'd know you were now finally in a relationship with someone who was being open and truthful with you, turning a page, and working WITH you instead of AGAINST you and your stated needs to know the full truth. The MC doesn't get decide what you want and need to know -- you do.
Without the openness, you've got no trust, and no foundation to move forward. I fully agree and we see it here time and time again -- TRUST YOUR GUT. Prove it if you can, but until you're satisfied you're working with the truth, you will not rest and be able to progress forward in real terms toward R.
Trickle truth, lying, and lies of ommision on top of infidelity are just emotional killers to the BS. So many cheaters will only admit to what they must, to what can be proven or known. Without getting past this stage, imho, there's just no real future. Perhaps only when your WS believes and knows this will he come clean... the whole idea of an ultimatum with real consequences may apply here if you feel strongly that you're being lied to... I'd have it out, calmly but firmly, about exactly what doesn't add up - and not let the conversation end until either (a) it adds up to your satisfaction (make him prove his stories in any way he can -- ie, call this 'other friend' who supposedly needs a loan, right on the spot and validate the b.s. story)... or (b) you leave and proceed to the next step, because you will not be lied to any longer. About anything.