tarheel68

,,, after my wife was caught in an emotional affair I did the same thing (comparison between him and i) and then i realized " i couldnt compare " , what they were having was fantasy and totally unrealistic for me to be able to compete with ... With her and I we have all the everyday stresses, mortgage,car payments,and all the everyday querks that drive each other crazy. I told her all this and she could see how what they had was just "fantasy" .. And after a few weeks she began to realise that this guy was not all ,what she thought he was . You and your husband need to communicate ,maybe get some counselling and if you havent already, kick this "so-called friend" out of your lives . Things get easier with everyday ... good luck

Amplexor

Great point tarheel68. This is a point I've tried to make on the forum many times and it is one of the reasons it can be so difficult for a spouse to end an EA. Glad you were able to get her to see the light. You can't compete with a fantasy.

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lostcherub

Thanks every1 for your thoughts it really does help to know I am not insane or going mad. Such a true point though that what happens outwith is all fantasy and cannot be compared to our everyday grinds I have never looked at it like this but it is definately worth remembering the next time I think about checking the photos or something thanks.

As for the so called friend, my sisters have said the same thing as yourself tarheel, but what I question is whether it is fair of me to accept my hubby's betrayal and try hard to work things out and stay together but to not give her the same chance?? I don't know if it is just a stage I am at and in time will realise I don't owe her anything but at the minute I don't have the extra energy to deal with her and her apologies to try to ease her own conscience I am putting everything into myself and my marriage.

Thanks guys I am glad I found this forum it really helps to discuss things with people who understand

Amplexor

Your husband is your husband and he has made a huge mistake in this. You have marriage vows, children and financial issues to consider. Your friend has proved to be no friend. I would carry no guilt about walking away from that relationship. Maybe her unheralded apologies and guilt will teach her a lesson.

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swedish

As far as your friend goes, I almost think that because you have decided to work things out with your husband anything that adds to your marriage needs to be your focus and anything that hinders it needs to be avoided...I don't think she's bringing anything positive to your marriage...not a very loyal friend and you don't need that worry in your life. I agree that if she approaches you to apologize it's most likely to ease her own conscious. Hopefully one day she will realize the impact of her actions and be in a position to ask for forgiveness and if that day comes she wouldn't ask you directly unless she knows in her heart it would help you, not her.

tarheel68

your friend does not deserve your forgiveness, but what you do over time should all be for your well-being . If it will make you feel better then by all means ,do what you need to do . Like said above ,for now ,work on yourself and your marriage . I personally will never forgive TOM , because i dont have to,and i feel he disrespected me and my family . Now for my wife , I have forgiven her (but will never forget ) because i was not blameless in the situation , I had neglected her emotional needs for quite awhile and that is something i have to work on. Right now ,I am working to correct my faults and my wife is doing the same .. This is not the end for us but a , new beginning and i hope that the two of you can do the same.

lostcherub

Well after debating my thoughts and whether to, in time, think about forgiving her aswell as my husband she has shown complete disrespect and compassion for her actions and my feelings. She has been texting my husband as she would normally have done before the ea and she has the cheek to end the text with a kiss each time.

I now have new feelings of complete rage and anger, I am not normally an angry person so I do not know how to deal with this either, and find myself calling her all sorts of names if my hubby and I are trying to discuss things or being really sarcastic.

Last night I just felt so drained and really quite down and low emotionally now. I feel as though I am still at the start of a very long road and I don't know if I have the energy to get to the end of it especially if she sees no wrong in what she has done which is obviously the case if she has now started texting my hubby as normal again with kisses. I feel as though she is trivialising what they have done as though I am blowing it out of proportions and I am not........ am I?

Should I go and confront her and speak to her, I havn't wanted to, which my sisters cannot understand, and I still don't know if I really want but how will she know that texting my hubby is annoying me if I do not confront her? Arrgh

tarheel68

As i stated before ive gone through the parts you are going through now ,... It is very draining and feels like an emotional rollercoaster , but be strong , if you want things to work out . Your husband needs to break off all ties with this woman if he wants to work on getting things right . And yes, you do have the right to demand this of him , you hold the cards here ,he is the one at fault ,and you get to decide how things are going to work out . As far as talking to her , thats your call, I myself wanted to (still want to ) confronthed the other guy ,but the good people on here advised against and im glad they did , all it would have done is cause me more hurt and possibly drove them closer together. The less your husband hears from her ,the more chance he will realize how bad he screwed up and start focusin g on helping your marriage heal . good luck and God bless you

swedish

I made the same decision for the same reason. When my husband told TOW that their 'friendship' went too far and he decided to work on our marriage and needed to end this 'friendship' her response was 'how about one last hurrah?' So it was clear to me she just did not care and any contact I would make with her would just give her reason to talk to him again so I chose not to encourage that.

voivod

?...one last hurrah...???"

some friend

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swedish

exactly what I said (he agreed and was annoyed by her comment)...oh, and I also said I'll give her one last hurrah...upside the head

lostcherub

I'v decided not to see or speak to my supposed friend for now although I can't stop thinking about her and not all good thoughts either. Its difficult because her kids and my kids are ages with each other and played well and now my kids are asking for their friends how do I answer?

Itz been a bad two days, I thought we were getting somewhere, hubby had a couple off days of work so we got to talk lots and I got to say a lot of things I felt I needed to get out. We seemed to be okay for those days off and we were quite close I even felt I could be intimate with him, but now I feel as bad as I did before.
Is it normal to go back the way, I feel as if its been really quick, its not even been 4 weeks since and at times I feel like I am letting him off to easy and quickly but I know I love him and want our marriage to work so is it really to quick?
I also feel that if I decide to make a go of it I can't keep bringing it up all the time but sometimes a thought or question will pop into my head and if I bottle things up won't it be worse and possibly build into resentment?

Amplexor

It is quite normal to vacillate back and forth from love to anger. Damage has been done and it will take time to heal. As far as talking about it all the time, there comes a point where you need to let things settle. As a general rule, if there is nothing new to discuss don’t rehash the problems. Let the wounds heal.

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swedish

It will get better over time, but it is a gradual process. As far as asking questions, what I found is that when I did ask a question, often times his response would trigger another question a few days later. It gets draining after a while. At some point I started to think about my questions rather than ask them...

sometimes I would determine that no matter what is answer was, it wouldn't change the fact that I want to work on our marriage, so why bother?

other times I would think about why that was an important question...some were triggered because my husband suddenly felt much like a stranger to me since his actions were totally out of character...others were triggered by my own insecurities where I was prodding to see if he really loved me & would he repeat this behavior down the road.

in these cases, sometimes instead of asking whatever question I had I would talk to him about how he is feeling about our marrige today...it gave me the reassurance that we were on the right track. Other times I could just think of things he was doing now that made me feel that I really didn't need to ask him that question...his actions now are what counts.

And if I still couldn't get it out of my head...i'd ask the question

swedish

oh yeah, I also stated journaling my thoghts...it helped me to clear my head.