Made the call, she was surprisingly unemotional. I asked if she had decided what she wanted to do, she said about what, I said R. "I dont think that is something I want to do" I told her ok (held my emotions well) wished her luck. She asked if we should wait a bit until daughter in Florida gets her affairs completely cleared up. I said no, no need to wait. No more limbo...going to sweat it until it is final.....surprisingly I feel calm, I hurt like all get out, but at least I tried....now on with my life.
Please consider having limited contact with her to only issues pertaining the divorce. Hopefully your pain may be lessened by the absence of her presence.
In the meantime get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, exercise, go out with your buddies to have a good time. and maybe start looking for a new place to live.
Sorry that's the answer that you got, but it wasn't unexpected. As you've probably found out, she's DEEP in the fog of her affair. You said she was a SAHM, and hasn't had to work for all these years, that's uncommon these days and times where both have to work to make ends meet. When cheaters are in the affair, they will always re-write the marital history, this is so they can justify what they are doing in their minds. You saw that when she said that you never treated her nice, which I'm sure isn't the case.
Now she's OM's problem to deal with now. You haven't described OM much except that he worked with your wife on home projects and went to auctions with her. Since she left to go live in his house, does that mean he's single?
Now that you are going to proceed to D since she rebuffed your attempts at R, expect to her to start waffling a little bit. One day she'll say she wants R, the next moment she'll want D. You have to stay strong through this. Do the 180 if you can. If you need info on it, you can PM me or look it up yourself. The 180 is a tool to help yourself detach from her, it's NOT a tool to manipulate her to get her back.
Thanks guys... I am surprised at the deep hurt going thru me right now... I had thought that I was over that part, but I guess the part of me that was in denial hadnt got hurt yet. LM you sent me via pm the 180 posting. I am going to read it everyday, probably many times each day. I know when I read that plus the Just let them go...that they are the truth. Just that after 30 years you begin to wonder if it were all a lie, life with her has been miserable the last 2.5 years, I today felt again the tug at my heart missing the intimacy that we had shared at one time. for some reason I have a hard time putting myself back say six months ago when I was hurting for lack of intimacy from her. If I could remember how miserable I was/am because of her lack of interest in me I think that would help, but for some reason those memories are hidden by the hurt from the betrayal. I am dedicated to getting the D as fast and soon as I can...cant wait for it to be done. As for him, he is 62 and his wife died of brain cancer a year and a half ago, both my W and I went to her funeral...He would come to my office quite a bit to talk about things, I offered him comfert and friendship. My counselor asked me if I missed him, HECK NO! but the betrayal by him just makes it worse. I really think had she just asked for a divorce I would have handled it much better, somehow I feel I am a loser, he is better than me, I really screwed up and I am not going to get a chance to correct it..that eats at me. I am embarressed.
somehow I feel I am a loser, he is better than me, I really screwed up and I am not going to get a chance to correct it..that eats at me. I am embarrassed.
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!. The real loser is your STBXW for she chose the coward's way out of the marriage. She and the OM deserve one another.
Thanks guys... I am surprised at the deep hurt going thru me right now... I had thought that I was over that part, but I guess the part of me that was in denial hadnt got hurt yet. LM you sent me via pm the 180 posting. I am going to read it everyday, probably many times each day. I know when I read that plus the Just let them go...that they are the truth. Just that after 30 years you begin to wonder if it were all a lie, life with her has been miserable the last 2.5 years, I today felt again the tug at my heart missing the intimacy that we had shared at one time. for some reason I have a hard time putting myself back say six months ago when I was hurting for lack of intimacy from her. If I could remember how miserable I was/am because of her lack of interest in me I think that would help, but for some reason those memories are hidden by the hurt from the betrayal. I am dedicated to getting the D as fast and soon as I can...cant wait for it to be done. As for him, he is 62 and his wife died of brain cancer a year and a half ago, both my W and I went to her funeral...He would come to my office quite a bit to talk about things, I offered him comfert and friendship. My counselor asked me if I missed him, HECK NO! but the betrayal by him just makes it worse. I really think had she just asked for a divorce I would have handled it much better, somehow I feel I am a loser, he is better than me, I really screwed up and I am not going to get a chance to correct it..that eats at me. I am embarressed.
Hoosier, there is absolutely nothing that you should be embarassed or ashamed for. Infidelity hits the very best of us and the lowest of us. The OM is never better than us. He has no morals and pursued a married woman. For that, he is scum and doesnt even deserve to hold your jock. The only thing he did was stroke her ego, any scumbag can do that.
And your WW couldn't hold her boundaries and brush him off as a married woman. She willingly went to him and eagerly gobbled up everything he was telling her. Now you KNOW why she was denying you affection, because she was giving it to HIM! As morituri said, your STBXW (Soon To Be Ex Wife) is the loser. Instead of trying to work things out with you, communicate with you, or honorably divorce you, she chose to cheat. There is never any excuse for cheating, there are always other options.
Look at my other thread, where I posted after experiencing being betrayed in an affair, do you go back and look at the marital history. Was it all a lie? Only you can know if she lied from the beginning, or had affairs that you never found out about, or if this is the first time she fell down the slippery slope to an affair.
You are in the really tough time of this right now. The advice about exercise, friends, hobbies, taking care of yourself is all very sound. And the feelings you've written down are common - I felt them all, most of everyone else who's gone through infidelity and abandonment has felt them.
You get to a point where you just choose to accept it. There's no going back to fix what, right now, you think you broke. But here's the thing, you didn't break it alone. It was mutual, she just chose to check out and allow herself to get propped up with the douce OM.
After 30 years you have no hope in the short term against the attentions of a new guy. He's new and exciting, you are not. But that's all he has going for him. There is no way to recapture all the memories, all the firsts, all the important things in life that you did together. He's just a hollow prop. You hold the deep well of all the things that really mean something in life.
I am sure it is the first and only... the lie part comes when she told me that she checked out 4 years ago....I only really noticed a change last 2.5 years. I will say that she has a lot of issues always has, just that when you are 51 and you started dating 35 years ago. all the way thru college, got married 2 wks after I graduated....I will keep up my new exercise program, I really like it....but how does an old dog like me, who never really dated anyone else...start THAT process... I know it is going to be a while before I even want to, and best to wait. The thing is I tried and tried to make her happy, she will never allow herself to be happy, but like you said OM problem now. I thank god I found this site 4 months ago, if now I would be crazy right now. Helps so much to vent and learn from others experience. I do believe that she is feeling very guilty right now, just wish she would show it more. My daughter said it best when she texted me and said "dont mourn her dad, she has changed into a hateful person, always the victim never her fault" I just got to get the room to stop spinning.
Such comforting words from your daughter, sounds like she knows her mum well. But I think you will mourn. It will be best for you to look up the mourning process. Understand the process, believe it or not what you are going through and will go through is “normal”. Sometimes it’s good to know that simple fact.
We grieve what we thought was the past and what we thought the future was going to be. In that way I reckon it’s a bit tougher than if the person had actually died although in some ways they have died to us. You are going to feel very deep emotions like you’ve never felt them before.
Plan ahead a little. I read once it takes a month for every year together to “get over it”. I was with my wife 42 years, that’s 3.5 years of “getting over it”. I’m 20 months separated and doing far better than I thought possible so I consider myself ahead of the game.
If you are like me at all you will be very angry. That anger needs dissipating so put it to good use by getting yourself fitter and stronger than you’ve ever been before. A multigymn and punch bags did wonders for me. If you don’t eat well change your diet to support your new fitness regime.
There really is light at the end of that tunnel. After a while it will dawn on you just how “institutionalised” you became in your marriage. You now have a wonderful opportunity to find out more about yourself, your resourcefulness, creativity and problem solving skills. Friends get a bit concerned about me living alone. I tell them I’m fine, alone but never lonely. And I’m never walking around eggshells that I didn’t even know where there.
Women whose children move away go through an immense life shift. Women who were SAHMs who go through this face an even bigger one - they have no other life to replace the kids with. Such women who then engage in a long-term, intensive situation with another man are practically assured of falling in love with the 'new' man, no matter who he is. It is what it is.
That said, if you want her back, you have a couple choices.
One, the way we usually perscribe: expose the affair to her important people and hope that the embarrassment will force the affair to lose its shine, and she'll realize it wasn't the amazing be-all/end-all she thought it was, and come home. At this point in her life, I'm frankly not sure it would work. She doesn't need you any more. She doesn't have kids to worry about breaking up from their dad. And your marriage, by your account, wasn't that hot to begin with.
Two, go ahead and divorce. Give her the money and consider yourself blessed to get away with that little, after 30 years. Let her live with her Wonderman and let the bloom fall off the rose, as she realizes that a man who would cheat with a married woman simply is missing some key things - like morals. Wait her out. Let her have her fling and spend the time getting to know yourself, attending IC, and IMPROVING yourself. Become an AMAZING CATCH. It will improve you, and it will teach you that you ARE an amazing catch and that, if she doesn't want you back, so what? There are millions of single women out there looking to meet a guy like you. It's not the end of the world.
The other benefit of this approach is that it gives HER time away from you, to see what she's been taking for granted for probably a good 20 years. And, if you start dating her again, once she leaves OM, you and she have a really good chance of rekindling all the things that made you fall in love with each other 30 years ago, only BETTER! This time, you are older, wiser, and much more aware of what a good relationship looks like and how to keep one going. In other words, you can have a better next 30 years (God willing) than the 30 years before that.
Last Night when I called for her decision and she said she "didnt think she wanted to do that right now" I replied with, J I love you, you have been a great mother for our kids (she really has), and you are one of the most caring people I know (before this episode and as long as it doesnt involve me, I really meant it) but obviously I cant make you happy and he does so I wish you all the best.....rest of Just let them go. We then talked about getting the attorney going on the agreement and said goodnight. So I look at my phone this am and there is a text from her. "did you say uncareing?" sent at 4:18am (we talked around 8pm) is this the wavering you all warned me about? I am not excited, think I have a chance again....not going down that road EVER AGAIN, but found that to be a really wierd text.
What say you?
Ignore her follow up with your plan , start going dark on her , there is no need to talk to her anymore your attorney can do that. Posted via Mobile Device
I feel I am a loser, he is better than me, I really screwed up and I am not going to get a chance to correct it..that eats at me. I am embarressed.
Right...of the three of you, YOU are the ONE person who didn't cheat.
How does that make YOU screwed up?
Some woman is going to be damn glad to be your next partner. And she's not going to take you for granted, not going to cheat on you, and she's going to make you feel cherished and loved. All stuff you weren't getting in THIS marriage.
Last So I look at my phone this am and there is a text from her. "did you say uncareing?" sent at 4:18am (we talked around 8pm) is this the wavering you all warned me about? I am not excited, think I have a chance again....not going down that road EVER AGAIN, but found that to be a really wierd text.
What say you?
When your spouse cheats, ignore EVERYTHING SHE SAYS. Notice ONLY what she does.
If she comes to your house at 3am begging for forgiveness and asking you how to make it up to you...THEN pay attention to her. Barring that...she is the cheating wife you ripped your heart out for her own selfishness.
Re: Never thought I would be posting here 
