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Never thought I would be posting here

108K views 290 replies 58 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all. Here is my story. As you may or may not know I stumbled on this site about 4 months ago when I googled "My wife doesnt love me anymore"..I have been posting on the sex in marriage, and mens rooms, but liteally had not looked at this forum, because that was not the problem. I have been going thru 2.5 years of hell at home, no real affection, lots of resentment from both my W and me, some pretty rough times. I have contemplated divorce,but was reluctant to give up on my 30 year marriage, felt like this was the "worse" in "B or W" and I really take that vow seriously. My kids are all but grown one is going to be a Junior in college, the other two are 24 and married, and 27 bipolar and a constant source of frustation, exasperation (putting it mildly, but to tell that story would take a novel, and I am afraid this one is going to be too long as it is). In December 2009, my troubled one moved back home (from UTAH where she had lived for 3 years, and had refussed to talk to us, wrote us off,) and that was a disaster! Her time here was STRESSFUL finally she got her own place in Florida, but before she was gone my wife was prescribed anti depressent, and I believe the meds, along with that smothering stress brought on her subsequent lack of libido. and a slide into the abyss. (more here as well) Couple of months ago: my W who does not work outside the home, started doing odd jobs working with a family friend of 22 years (if there is a power tool in our home it is hers not mine) and at first I was happy, I was actually glad that she was doing something that seemed to make her happy ( a VERY rare occurance) and the little extra money would come in handy as well, especially since she seem to really like haveing her own money (I am not wealthy but we live a nice suburban americana lifestile, but the little she made helped pump her ego) I became suspicious of her relationship with this friend as they did a lot of things together...went to auction sales together (buying tools, I get bored easily at auctions, she loves them, the OM was happy to go with her, as he likes auctions as well) etc. Saturday nite I waited for her to fall asleep, then checked her cell phone, and on there were these texts from the OM, professing his love for her. Looking at the "sent" messages, I saw where she expressed her love for him..."thank u for loving me" "I needed you so much" so at 3:00 am I loaded my shotgun and headed for his house, not to shoot him but to put loads of double ought buckshot into his car and truck. As i patroled the area to make sure no cops were about my head cleared a bit and I realized to do jail time would just be stupid, so I proceeded to drive around thinking a million thoughts, my head spinning. after an hour or so I drove back past his house (he lives 5 minutes from me) and parked in front was my wife. She had found the empty gun box figured out where I was (there is some info missing here how she figured it out etc..but god you people dont need to be reading this until next year). As I drove up, she jumped out of her car and ran over to me saying, "Your problem is with me, not with him!" I rolled down my window and said "You are right you s**t! "You go right now and pack your bags and get the hell out of my house!" She then said "I love him, he treats me better than you ever have!" "You have never treated me good" She proceeded to drive home, load her suitcases and leave, going to his house. Now this is Sunday 4am. On monday I received a tearful phone call,on my voice mail informing me that she wasnt going to "take me to the cleaners". I texted her"What do you want?" "My attorneys name isXXX and his phone is YYYY." was her reply. I called the att. and all she basically wanted was her personal things and $50k. Now her half of our assets would be worth much more than that the vast majority tied up in our business not liquid at all and if forced to sell in this market easily $300k would be lost. I had been concerned that I would be forced to sell to pay her off, so that made me breathe a little easier. I know the attrny, picked up on my surprise and he state"all she wants is to get this over with and get on with life." A friend had explained to me that in Indiana, a H and W if they can agree on the split of assets, can use one attrny draw up an agreement, sign it, give it to a judge to sign and 60 days later Boom! u are D. I asked if that were true and it was. So I texted my wife back that I was basically in agreement, thought we could go this route. "Fine As long as it is not contested" says she. Today I met with my attrny, he agreeded to review the doc. for me. I then called her guy back, discussed a couple of items he had brought up, mentioned that she missed her 20+ oil lamps and she would want them on the list, and in 20 minutes hammered out the basics of the entire agreement.
Tonight as I looked the texts over, I believe strongly that this was the very first encounter, and triggered by my being an ass, and going to the office to get away from her (I have done a LOT of that the last two years) not giving her any breaks but just acknowledging my fault in this as well
This knowledge has caused me to loose 90% of my anger!, still have 100% of the hurt of betrayal, but thinking for the first time this might be saveable (cant believe I am saying this) as I still do very much love my wife. I havent been able to stand living with her the last two years, bt I can remember back just before that, my youngest started college, we were empty nesters, and loving it and each other. best 4 months of our marriage! So my inclination is to hurry thru the D to conserve our business, then thinking about looking into Recon. I have read the forums everyday for these last 4 months, and kinda know were we REALLY went wrong, know enough to realize at least we have something we can work on with the right help. Am I delusional? I realize she would have to be willing to try, and all that but am I just in denial? Will I wake up 3 wks from now and hate her all over again, a product of this WAVE of emotion I have been on? is this just me wishing?
 
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#70 ·
And 8, I booked a $200 flight at 3am which cost me almost $800 because it was a same day flight. Flew to Florida in the worse possible conditions, bared my soul like you would never want to bear your soul, to my wife. I asked her for forgiveness, offered her forgiveness as well, talked for 2 hours about our life together how there were great times, and how they could have been better, and how I intended on seeing that they were. I stayed with her under the same roof for 4 days all the time my insides were SCREAMING from the hurt, but I held it in. I did all this because of 30 years of marriage, I gave it everything I had because in order to live with myself that is what I needed to do....and I did it. She is not interested, I fought the good fight now it is up to her. I can live with myself now, I worry for her because some day she is going to realize all that I gave to save our marriage, and she is going to know that she did nothing...think she has guilt now? I worry for her mental being when what she has done hits home...
 
#71 ·
I understand your feelings completely Hoosier. She is rushing it. But you can slow it down. You have decided and that is fine. It's just way to rash of her to push it and I agree she will regret it later.
 
#72 ·
It sucks, and as long as the OM has influence, the dynamic of your marriage are doomed. If in the event that the OM leaves and she is no longer influenced by him she will come to the realization that she just wasted 30 yrs of marriage.
This is when it will hit home for her and you may have already moved on, but for now stay strong and remember...................

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it's how we get back up that counts.
 
#73 ·
You still don't have to make it easy to get the divorce. I know one woman who kept postponing things for almost two years, to give him time to come to his senses. He didn't, but she did what she needed for her peace of mind, to know she tried everything. IMO, anyone who says they don't WANT to lose their marriage, but then walk away from it and sign the papers, is lying. Or something.
 
#74 ·
sometimes to get your marriage back you have to walk away from it. The other problem is as long as I am married I am not dating let alone have any kind of real relationship, dont care what she does that does not release me from my pledge. I have not KISSED my wife in 2.5 years, tried the 10 second kiss deal when I thought there was a chance...she wouldnt and couldnt do it. I have spent many a night having to be content with the "cheaper than rent sex" I was getting, when what I really CRAVED was to hold her close, kiss her neck, and have her kiss me back. She never initiated any affection. I am tired of that and since she is not willing to even WORK on our relationship, if 30 years is not enough reason to try, then why do I want to degrade myself by hanging around like a little puppy while she woops it up with the OM? Maybe some day she will see the light, maybe not, when she does, if she does, maybe I will be available. But for now I choose to move forward see what life has in store. I am a nice guy, I can love and be loved, and that my friends is what I am going to do....just wish it didnt hurt so much.
 
#75 ·
I can tell you, and this is not just wishful thinking...she still has feelings for me, they are just so covered up by this unbelieveable resentment she feels, she cant get past it. the resentment comes from years of taking what I was saying, not complaining not challenging ever but just taking it into herself and letting it fester. I wont go into details, I have said enough, but she mentioned two differnt times what I said that was the reason for her affair, if I were to go thru them with you, you would say WTF? because of that? what is minor, when let to fester in her mind is a major deal. I understand that now, I understand that what I see as minor, can be a major deal to someone, I will now stand ever vigilant to never let that happen to my SO ever again! Somebody is going to get a good guy, a in touch guy, someone who listens, thinks about and acts on what is said. She is going to pay the price of creating that guy, without any of the benefits....but ultimately it is her choice. I tried to make it for her, she would not allow it....hope I am all wrong and the OM is perfect for her and they will be very happy. That would be best.
 
#77 · (Edited)
update: My stbxw remains in Florida looking after our granddaughter. Brief background. My oldest daughter, bipolar, and a host of other problems, has a baby daughter 6 months old. She lost custody of the baby to Florida as she was found unfit to keep the baby. Just as we (wife and I) were going down to florida to help get the baby back I found out about the affair.(5 weeks ago) stbxw and I still went to Florida, where we worked together to get my daughters apt updated so baby could stay there. Courts did appoint my stbxw as temp guardian, she stayed in Florida, where the baby stayed with her at my daughters apartment. As long as stbxw is there so can the baby. Fast forward 5 weeks. Surprise, my daughter is going back to her old ways and it looks like she is not going to be able to complete the necessary steps to regain full custody. I had told my wife that this would be the case, I was told that i did not care about my daughter or granddaughter...
After a day when daughter and wife exchanged horrible texts with each other (daughter was not at apartment) over my wifes insistance that dau. get job,(and telling her that I would not support her fianancially, which I will not) and dau. telling wife to just leave. and both were including me in there texts, there I was in Indiana, could do nothing but get put thru the ringer. I happend to have a counseling apt that day, when I walked in counselor remarked that I looked wiped out...and I was. (still am having some sleep issued, not as bad but still some, and concentration is really lacking) After discussing the texts my C asked me "realistically what can you do?" the answer was simple...nothing. She said I needed to ask that question of wife.
That evening I called and got wife on phone privately. I was amazed that she started in saying that maybe the best thing for granddaughter was a private adoption (which had been my stance all along, I was told I did not care about baby everytime I brought it up). Now I know part of wifes desire to be done is all this time OM is up in Indiana pineing away for her and she him. I told her that could she not see that daughter caring for baby was not going to happen? She said yes. I said that we needed to look into adoption for baby. I told her she (my wife) had gone above and beyond the call of duty in staying there this long, that I felt she had tried as hard as she could not to ever hang her head about not doing enough and if she decided to come back to Indiana, she would never hear from me that she hadnt done enough, I told her "I am proud of you for what you have tried to accomplish" She cried and said "I just wanted to try and fix it" I said."I can write the book about trying to fix things, know all about that, such as when I flew to Fl at last minute and tried to fix our relationship, but sometimes you just cant fix things" to which she replied, for the first time ever admiting "I guess I really hurt you too." (you think?) "I am sorry." I said thank you for that. We talked some more she decided to check with social worker about options. I said "One more thing, we have decided what we are going to do about M, and with that decided no real need to text me, call me (which she had been doing with photos of baby, etc nearly everyday) anymore. All we have to talk about now is strictly business, that being getting our divorce final. As such if you need to tell me something, please just talk with your attorney and have them call me, if I need to tell you something I will call your attorney and have them tell you." Really long silence.. "ok, bye K" and quietly hung up.
The hardest thing I ever said, what I wanted to say was, "I love you, lets work on it," but am determined to keep with my vow of it being up to her, not going to ask again for R. I sit here now thinking I did right, but sick to my stomach.
My workout routine is going great! I have lost 35 pounds, and am in better shape than I have been since my 30's (I am 51) I still have yet to turn on a tv, since discovering the A, been doing work around my home, getting her stuff boxed up so when she returns to Indiana, it is all ready to go. Attending church for the first time in 5 years. Not having any alcohol ( last year at this time was drinking 1+ bottle of wine a nite)
I just want to say again to you all....You have saved my life! I need your input, and respect you all for your time and effort in my case. Just wish the pain would go away, looking forward to the time that it does.
 
#78 ·
Grieving the loss of a marriage is natural, especially one where infidelity has occurred. But the main point is that you WILL make it and to take things one day at a time. In a couple of months from now you may find yourself divorced and no longer emotionally invested in your stbxw.

Congratulations of your weight loss. It's harder for us 50 something guys to lose fat than when we were younger because our bodies tend to lose muscle as time goes by. Nevertheless it is an achievement that you should be proud off because it improves overall the quality of your life. Keep it up.
 
#80 ·
Hoosier, you are 51 and in good shape! Move fast to get her out and gone. You're gonna find yourself with many attractive options for upgrading your female companion in life.

I'm serious. Women have a lot of the dating advantage in your 20's and 30's but men take the advantage in the 40's an 50's.
 
#82 ·
OMG! help... I think I am having a meltdown today. Picked my daughter up at airport last night, must of been 1000 triggers of good times from my marriage... I can not function today, my heart is racing, my mind is twrilling around like it is the first I found out about Affair....I am going to leave work head to the pool try to work it out.:(
 
#85 ·
Hoosier...which daughter? The one from Florida?

Do breathe, do relax. Working out at the gym is good. Fill your mind with something else.

Those triggers are going to happen. You've had a nice break from them, I think, while your wife has been in FL.

BTW, did the OM move his agency from you?
 
#83 ·
Haven't heard from you in some time. Was the wife with her? Any change?
 
#86 ·
Back from Pool, did a 3200 yard bada$$ workout. Feel much better. I picked up my youngest daughter who had been in California visiting my middle daughter. stbxw is still in Florida with oldest daughter, have had zero contact for the last week, as I suggested we not converse, and she is following the play book.
Today was just totally WHAM! out of the blue. Picking up my daughter at the airport just made me think of the great fun we all had on trips. It was totally wierd how the emotions can just kick your butt. I think it is the denial in me coming out. Last nite driving to the airport, I admitted to myself that I really want to R. That I would take the crappy marriage, the lack of intimacy back in a second, which is totally sick on my part. Part of it was I was extremely tired (daughter arrived at 11:30pm my time) I know that, but knowing doesnt mean you can control it. Thank god I have great employees and when I stood up at noon today and said I am leaving see you tomorrow they immediately pick up the slack.
As of OM taking his coverage elsewhere, we sent him a letter suggesting that he do just that. He went to another agency who he thought we didnt know. Heard from them that he stammered and stammered didnt know what to say about why he was moving agencies (stayed with same company) when they saw that he listed my stbxw as a driver on his policy, they figured it out real fast...what an idiot they deserve each other.
 
#89 ·
Today was just totally WHAM! out of the blue. Picking up my daughter at the airport just made me think of the great fun we all had on trips. It was totally wierd how the emotions can just kick your butt. I think it is the denial in me coming out. Last nite driving to the airport, I admitted to myself that I really want to R. That I would take the crappy marriage, the lack of intimacy back in a second, which is totally sick on my part. Part of it was I was extremely tired (daughter arrived at 11:30pm my time) I know that, but knowing doesnt mean you can control it. Thank god I have great employees and when I stood up at noon today and said I am leaving see you tomorrow they immediately pick up the slack.
As of OM taking his coverage elsewhere, we sent him a letter suggesting that he do just that. He went to another agency who he thought we didnt know.
a) This is the difficult part. Triggers based around family. You'll see this especially at holidays and important dates between...all those 'firsts' you've shared. The good news is your can be prepared ahead of time, that you are making new memories and moving forward (if that is what happens).

b) No....you don't want the same marriage you had. The same partner, perhaps. I've yet to read of any reconciled marriage that stayed in the bad place it was. It either is better, or the couple doesn't reconcile fully and dissolves. Depends on the willingness of the individuals.

c) What a DOLT to think that after 30 years in the biz that you don't know damn near everyone in the company, especially those in your own back yard. DUH! I wonder if your wife suggested someone. LOL

You're doing good, Hoosier.
 
#90 ·
Is it possible you jumped too fast just to save your business?
 
#91 ·
8: not even close.....as I have said before if she wants to R I am all for it...dont have to be married to R. At this point in my life if she came back being married/not being married would be the least of our troubles...besides you are forgetting, she has rejected all talk of R. Way I figure it lets say she comes back, we can still celebrate our anniversary, as our anniversary is still the anniversary of when we got married. I love her, I want her back, but only under my conditions/ conditions I learned on this board. I am prepared to let her go, in fact I think it is more and more likely that she is gone. Better she go with me keeping my business running. best for my kids in the long run, best for me as well. Her...she is getting what she wants and more, cant help it if guilt is causing her to shoot low, she should of not spreard her legs for the OM and just divorced me instead.
 
#92 ·
She didn't divorce you because she didn't want to
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#93 ·
True. But WHY didn’t she divorce Hoosier? What were her MOTIVATIONS for staying with her H while at the same time giving her heart to and shagging another man for three and a half years?

From his W’s perspective, what does Hoosier have that OM DOESN’T HAVE? And why did she lie to Hoosier and deceive him for so very long TO KEEP GETTING WHAT SHE WANTED OUT OF Hoosier???
 
#95 ·
You know the only person who KNOWS is Hoosier’s wife.

But I very much doubt that she will be open and honest with him and actually tell him. But she does at the very very least owe him her HONESTY. And I truly hope for his sake that he gets her honesty if he should ever ask her WHY?
 
#96 ·
You are right AFEH and for that reason I used the word 'perhaps' because none of us really KNOWS why she didn't divorce him after she fell in love with the OM. All we can do is play the speculation game.

Frankly the honesty MAY come only after finding out through IC why she allowed herself to have an affair and why she chose to remain married to Hoosier for 3 years after it started.
 
#97 ·
I need to clarify, I know this thread is so long it is crazy to remember it all, but her affair has only been going on as a EA for seven months, the PA is two months. (marriage has been in the trash for three years, I have known the OM for 20 years) I discovered the affair within a week of it being a PA. When I found out, I confronted her (see original post) she immediately moved out early morning hours of a sunday, by monday had an attorney and filed for divorce tuesday am. I am very confident I have the length of time of the EA and PA correct. My goal now is to get the divorce ASAP, will be final Sept 12th, then worry about R when she no longer has a fianancial hold on me. Thanks all for hanging in there with me.....
 
#99 ·
Well just how wrong can I be, many thanks for clarifying. A PA of 7 months is relatively easy to recover from, at least in my mind it is. As is a PA of two months. But again that’s me and my way of thinking. I really do think in long term marriages these things are the norm rather than the exception. And in that there is nothing new, it’s been going on for 1,000s of years. I think it even more the case, in that these things are even more likely to happen, when it’s a very young sweetheart type of love and marriage from the teens. People are still growing, still learning and experiencing but within the realms of the marriage. It’s not nice, it’s not ideal, but it does happen.

But saying all that I really do both think and feel that you are doing the right thing in divorcing. You’ve been together for so very long and a break can be a very good thing. Time apart, if indeed that’s what it turns out to be, well let you learn so much more about yourselves and what you truly want out of your lives. Then if you should both want to get back together with one another you will know the reasons why and the experiencing and experimenting will be over. But then again I am a romantic still trying to get real, whatever that is.
 
#98 ·
Hoosier - you have made your decision and I respect it. Good luck and I hope eventually you and her both find peace and healing!
 
#100 ·
short update, a mutual friend was in my office when my stbxw called her to talk (stbxw still in Florida). I dont think she liked it that I told her not to call me anymore doing the 180...our mutual friend had talked with her last couple of days and mentioned that her husband (our mutual friends husband) had talked with me and that I still loved my stbxw but that I was not going to call her anymore. my stbxw comment today "Yes, it is all a game with (hoosier), he just wants me to come crawling back to him so he can make a big deal that I did with all his friends!" All I have ever done since D day is try to be positive, have offered R early on. Have never really even lectued her about her poor choices....hasnt done me any good in her eyes.....
 
#101 ·
SOrry Hoosier - she still can't faceherself, probably never will and is still blameshifting. DON'T take it to heart - it's heroin talking.
 
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