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Never thought I would be posting here

107K views 290 replies 58 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all. Here is my story. As you may or may not know I stumbled on this site about 4 months ago when I googled "My wife doesnt love me anymore"..I have been posting on the sex in marriage, and mens rooms, but liteally had not looked at this forum, because that was not the problem. I have been going thru 2.5 years of hell at home, no real affection, lots of resentment from both my W and me, some pretty rough times. I have contemplated divorce,but was reluctant to give up on my 30 year marriage, felt like this was the "worse" in "B or W" and I really take that vow seriously. My kids are all but grown one is going to be a Junior in college, the other two are 24 and married, and 27 bipolar and a constant source of frustation, exasperation (putting it mildly, but to tell that story would take a novel, and I am afraid this one is going to be too long as it is). In December 2009, my troubled one moved back home (from UTAH where she had lived for 3 years, and had refussed to talk to us, wrote us off,) and that was a disaster! Her time here was STRESSFUL finally she got her own place in Florida, but before she was gone my wife was prescribed anti depressent, and I believe the meds, along with that smothering stress brought on her subsequent lack of libido. and a slide into the abyss. (more here as well) Couple of months ago: my W who does not work outside the home, started doing odd jobs working with a family friend of 22 years (if there is a power tool in our home it is hers not mine) and at first I was happy, I was actually glad that she was doing something that seemed to make her happy ( a VERY rare occurance) and the little extra money would come in handy as well, especially since she seem to really like haveing her own money (I am not wealthy but we live a nice suburban americana lifestile, but the little she made helped pump her ego) I became suspicious of her relationship with this friend as they did a lot of things together...went to auction sales together (buying tools, I get bored easily at auctions, she loves them, the OM was happy to go with her, as he likes auctions as well) etc. Saturday nite I waited for her to fall asleep, then checked her cell phone, and on there were these texts from the OM, professing his love for her. Looking at the "sent" messages, I saw where she expressed her love for him..."thank u for loving me" "I needed you so much" so at 3:00 am I loaded my shotgun and headed for his house, not to shoot him but to put loads of double ought buckshot into his car and truck. As i patroled the area to make sure no cops were about my head cleared a bit and I realized to do jail time would just be stupid, so I proceeded to drive around thinking a million thoughts, my head spinning. after an hour or so I drove back past his house (he lives 5 minutes from me) and parked in front was my wife. She had found the empty gun box figured out where I was (there is some info missing here how she figured it out etc..but god you people dont need to be reading this until next year). As I drove up, she jumped out of her car and ran over to me saying, "Your problem is with me, not with him!" I rolled down my window and said "You are right you s**t! "You go right now and pack your bags and get the hell out of my house!" She then said "I love him, he treats me better than you ever have!" "You have never treated me good" She proceeded to drive home, load her suitcases and leave, going to his house. Now this is Sunday 4am. On monday I received a tearful phone call,on my voice mail informing me that she wasnt going to "take me to the cleaners". I texted her"What do you want?" "My attorneys name isXXX and his phone is YYYY." was her reply. I called the att. and all she basically wanted was her personal things and $50k. Now her half of our assets would be worth much more than that the vast majority tied up in our business not liquid at all and if forced to sell in this market easily $300k would be lost. I had been concerned that I would be forced to sell to pay her off, so that made me breathe a little easier. I know the attrny, picked up on my surprise and he state"all she wants is to get this over with and get on with life." A friend had explained to me that in Indiana, a H and W if they can agree on the split of assets, can use one attrny draw up an agreement, sign it, give it to a judge to sign and 60 days later Boom! u are D. I asked if that were true and it was. So I texted my wife back that I was basically in agreement, thought we could go this route. "Fine As long as it is not contested" says she. Today I met with my attrny, he agreeded to review the doc. for me. I then called her guy back, discussed a couple of items he had brought up, mentioned that she missed her 20+ oil lamps and she would want them on the list, and in 20 minutes hammered out the basics of the entire agreement.
Tonight as I looked the texts over, I believe strongly that this was the very first encounter, and triggered by my being an ass, and going to the office to get away from her (I have done a LOT of that the last two years) not giving her any breaks but just acknowledging my fault in this as well
This knowledge has caused me to loose 90% of my anger!, still have 100% of the hurt of betrayal, but thinking for the first time this might be saveable (cant believe I am saying this) as I still do very much love my wife. I havent been able to stand living with her the last two years, bt I can remember back just before that, my youngest started college, we were empty nesters, and loving it and each other. best 4 months of our marriage! So my inclination is to hurry thru the D to conserve our business, then thinking about looking into Recon. I have read the forums everyday for these last 4 months, and kinda know were we REALLY went wrong, know enough to realize at least we have something we can work on with the right help. Am I delusional? I realize she would have to be willing to try, and all that but am I just in denial? Will I wake up 3 wks from now and hate her all over again, a product of this WAVE of emotion I have been on? is this just me wishing?
 
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#103 ·
I am still struggling with the notion that she can just walk out of a thirty year marriage, with hardly a care at all. I was talking with a good friend and kept saying, "I would never....." He finally looked at me and said,"she isnt you" that really hit me. Is that it? I am just a hopeless romantic idiot? I see the thirty years as something to work on, while she just sees the last two years of not so good times? I can not wait for the day my fog clears, knowing you are in a fog doesnt even seem to help, cause you are still in that fog called denial. Although today was the first time I thought, "who says I will take you back?" and I smiled during my workout as I contemplated her arrogance in that I am just waiting around on her, I am trying so hard NOT to wait around, now if I could only REALLY move on.
 
#106 ·
Hoosier, you may try reading a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It's a bit airy-fairy, but there is good stuff on the process and how to heal from abandonment.

Also, I'd suggest you ARE moving on. It just takes time and is painful while you are doing it. You are focusing on healthy behaviour, getting your life in order, doing a lot of self reflection, and growing as a man. That is moving on.

You still hold onto hope, which is the real challenge. A bright counsellor told me that "Hope keeps all suffering in place" which I believe. Trying to live in the moment is the best remedy.

It also helped me to understand infidelity. You may want to read up on walk away wives, and the chemical stew that happens when someone is unfaithful.

As for women: They are less emotional than men. They need men less than we need them, and they can move on easier than men. It's their biology and that they tend to gauge things by their feelings, so when their feelings turn, that becomes their new reality. It's just how they are.
 
#107 ·
seeking: thanks for the words and the suggestion about looking up walkaway wives! I googled it and found another forum with a 4 year old discussion, read the first 20 pages of it after 11 pm last nite, IT WAS SO INFORMATIVE! the postings could of all been written by me. Reading thru the infrmation really helped me with my guilt issues, as it showed that a person cant deal well with another person who is in an altered state of consciousness. My stbxw has always had issues, and over the last two years I have watched them get worse and worse. Dont know what made the switch turn on a bit, but I see now that basically she is nuts, and you cant deal logically with nuts. I hope to build on this, live in the present (thanks for that) funny how I can go from despair to hopeful and back again. Feeling more confidant that my NC stance is the proper thing to do. Do I think she will ever wake up? Really, really doubtful, but more determined then ever to not wait around, I pray for her mental health, but that is up to others not me. I LOVE THIS FORUM!
 
#109 ·
What forum was it Hoosier? On a side note, just keep telling yourslef you cannot change, drift, encourage or drive her mind in different directions if she refuses the help. Like a drunk or addict, they ahve to want to change and realize they have problem before ANYTHING can happen. Your right, she is not you, she is a female change of life and her mind is definitely focused solely on herself and what she thinks SHE needs only. No consideration of you or any one else. The brain chemistry is totally screwed up and yes she's nuts at the moment. Dumb ass question - is she on Hormone replacement therapy and ging through her physical change of life?
 
#111 ·
8: she kept telling me that she was going to go thru the change anytime soon...not on hormonal treatments but did notice a difference since she started taking an antidepressent two years ago. I made an appointment for her to talk with her dr. about changing the med to something else...she canceled the appointment. as for the link her it is
Relationship With X
 
#112 ·
update: Looks like my daughter in Florida is going to complete the steps necessary to have her daughter full time without supervision, which allows my stbxw to leave and come back to Indiana, probably within two weeks. Our divorce (she filed two days after I discovered A) is final on 9/12/2011 about the time she gets back. I have been reading a lot about Walk a Way Wives and their screwed up way of thinking. I have progressed in that I have actually had a few good days and the bad days are not as severe. I thought I was doing really well until today. This morning my stbxw called my office, talked with an employee about a question on her insurance. They talked briefly (hows your family? fine how are you? fine) then she asked her question and it was answered, she then hung up. Soon after hanging up my stbxw called back and said to my employee (who knows all of what is going on this is a small office). "I know I have done some wrong things (you think?) but I hope with the counseling K (Me) will be a better person and a better boss" WTF! better boss? I have owned my own business for over 20 years, in that time I have only had ONE employee leave of their own accord and that was for a job paying 2x what they were making for me, and when she left the employee cried because she did not want to leave but the opportunity was to great!
When told of the conversation, I walked in on the end of it, I was immediately thrown for a loop! This is my worry, as I have been on straight NC for three weeks things have gotten better. But with her returning to my small town, to live with the OM, I know I will be running into them seeing them out and about. I dont know how I am going to handle this. I have continued my self improvement, have removed all her things from my home, waiting on her to get back and pick them up. Last nite I moved my bedroom around competely different than it was for us, removed some of the furniture, and put different furniture in. I just want to be left to my own, but these emotions are so severe I wonder if it will ever happen. Thanks for letting me vent.
 
#113 ·
I so want to call her and say, "you know what? I am already a better person than you and I am improving! I sought out counseling on my own, you are the one who needs it the most but you do not go!" I want to say these things but I know even if I got my chance the comments would be ignored, might as well talk to the wall. Oh, and I have heard from various people that she talks about "when K threw me out" And yes, the night I found out about the A I told her to leave. Within 24 hours I called her to talk about our situation, she had already talked with an attorney and had it set up to file for D. I then offered to R three different times over the next week. She could have moved back I offered. But to hear her tell it I threw her out on her a** and she is the victim!
 
#114 ·
Okay, I've read your entire thread and I have to say that you beat yourself up pretty bad sometimes with saying that you haven't been the best husband in the world. But I want to say that you can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage, and she can be blamed for the other 50%. But her affair is 100% on her! It wasn't your fault. You didn't make her sleep with that guy, she made a choice. Not your fault.

Now, if she told her attorney that" she just wants it done and over with." I say strike when that anvil is hot! Save as much as you can financially as possible from the end of the marriage. Put an end to it before she changes her mind. If, for whatever reason, you decide to reconcile later then fine. You can read a bunch of stories of people getting re-married. But, protect yourself as much as possible.

And then, finally, after the divorce is final. Take a small vacation. Pick up and leave for a little bit. Relax and get re-charged. You deserve it after all the stuff you've been going through with the wife, daughter a grandaughter.
 
#115 ·
She will always be a victim; victim mentality people CHOOSE to be victims because it removes any responsibility off their shoulders. Makes it easy to skate through life.

The only thing I would do in your situation is have your lawyer send her a letter to cease and desist contacting ANYONE in your business ever again.
 
#116 ·
Update with a question...... My daughter found out today that at her hearing tomorrow she will in fact be awarded custody of my grandaughter, for that I am truly happy. My stbxw immediately purchased a plane ticket home and will be in my town on Thursday, two days from now. Over the last week and a half we have an agreement, it has been discussed and redone to make us both happy (if tht is possible) I talked with her attorney last week when I was told that even though she had the agreement she had decided to wait until she came back this week to sign it. I could not figure out why, if she agreed, which she says she does, she did not sign and return the agreement so we could be officially D. When I talked with her att. he said she had three questions, two were insurance related and semi legit that I answered for him. the third question she had was "Why am I (hoosier) in such a hurry?" What? this is the woman that had already met with her attorney within 24 hours of me discovering the A, and filed for divorce the very next day. Her attorney said that he told her he thought I was probably just wqanting to get on with my life, we were in agreement so why wouldnt it just be completed?
I realize that she is coming back, the OM is picking her up at the airport, why wouldnt she want to be a free woman? I then found out that she had the agreement in Florida, had taken the trouble to get her signature notarized, put the agreement into the FedEx prepaid next day air envelope, but did not mail it. guess she wants to do it in person.
My question involves her belongings. She had a list of items she wanted. Those have been delivered to her. I went thru my home and literally took everything off the walls, boxed a bunch of her stuff up (like 5 pickup loads worth) and have them ready for her to pick up. My expectation is she will come within the first few days (I put a time limited of Oct 30th in agreement, to get the stuff or I will dispose of) to pick the stuff up....when she comes do I help her load it, or go backinside (it is on enclosed porch) let her and her brother take care of it...
Knowing she is coming back to town in a couple of days has really started the emotional roller coaster this week. I got use to her being 1200 miles away, out of sight out of mind. Now she is going to be 6 blocks away living with the OM. Who by the way did not go down to Florida the entire 9 weeks, not once to see her, which I find really wierd. I know they have had a few fights on the phone, mainly when he calls and she is temp to busy to talk he throws a hissy fit and hangs up on her. I pray each day for calmness, acceptance, dont let her see me sweat..... Cant wait for this part to be over. Just when I think I am doing good, this week comes along and I feel like ALMOST starting over.
 
#118 · (Edited)
Hoosier my man, you are doing great. First off she is going to come home see you 35 lbs. lighter, And I will wager looking ten years younger to boot. Next she is going to see a confident man moving on with his life and adjusting his living quarters the way he wants them. When she sees you like that, I wager she will breakdown. This will be the hardest part for you. Put a tack in your shoe and when you feel like your going to breakdown, step on the tack real hard. The pain will take your mind off her. She needs to follow the consequences a little while longer. You're mister confident, mister getting on with his life. GOING PLACES, YEAH! She in turn will be thinking "where is he going?". This will most likely be after living with the POSOM. Mr. Needy. Oh yeah!

Then when she is at that point. The coup de gras. Ask her if she brought the papers. You will have to practice a bit. I can tell you right now there are major cracks in the relationship. He is looking for a mommy. You have 30 years with her. I can guarandamntee you, what will be foremost in her mind. "Oh my gosh, what have I done, he's (you) going somewhere, and I'm not invited". Your 180 has been perfect so don't think that you have missed anything. She has had a lot of time to think. She would not have asked the lawyer to ask you what's the rush. Let her have her fill of this other guy. And when she does she will be throwing out major "take me back" messages. That's when your hard part comes. Deciding if you still want her. All my opinion.
 
#119 ·
What sigma said. It may be the emotionally harder thing to do on the outside, but helping her load all of her stuff up cheerfully, being helpful, joking around, making sure she got everything so she doesn't have to come back, wishing her all the best when you slam the door on her is pretty alpha.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
 
#120 ·
I concur with the others. You have been a rock. A virtual cone of silence (love get smart). On the other hand this guy has been calling her 3 times a day saying when are you coming back to be my mommy. And when she gets back and starts to find out how selfish and how much work this guy is, she will bolt. He is already putting major demands on the relationship with his neediness.

One thing you have to do. On a side note. If I were you I would consider having a couple of travel magazines spread around. Trust me she'll see them. After seeing you looking all bad with your fine self, she is going to think, "oh my gosh, he's looking so good he has to have done it for some GIRL! ARRRRRGGHHHH! She will be looking for any sign of another woman. Definitely help her pack it up. You're in kind of a hurry. You might have a date or something. Oh and get a new cologne and I sincerely hope you have gotten some new threads. I mean you're not cinching up your jeans with a piece of rope, right? Seriously, you will be someone new when she sees you for the first time in 6 or 8 weeks. You have been fashioned in the furnace of pain and have come out the other side. You have a lot to be proud of.
 
#121 ·
As long as the house has new locks and she can't get in past the patio, wait for her, be dressed to the nines with new clothes, a new haircut and new cologne, and as soon as she gets there, shake hands with her brother and say "thanks for getting this stuff out of here for me, I gotta go, got plans" and take off. I don't care if you go to the library, just go.
 
#123 ·
LOL this place makes me smile! First off, I have had at least half a dozen people tell me in the last three weeks that I look 10-15 years younger, as I have now lost 45 pounds and as my daughter said, "Dad, you are kinda buff" At the behalf of my employees I have pretty much ditched the standard long sleeve white shirt, for colors and more relaxed look, purchased at least 8 new pairs of dress slacks, and five new chillin outfits.... I am feeling better than I have since my 30's and starting to regain my old happy self. A person I had hidden last few years in my feeble attempt to make her happy.
I have a trip to San Antonio planned for the first Weekend in Nov to swim in a 5k open water swim race. I am going to my daughters (and taking my youngest with me) in Los Angeles for Thanksgiving weekend. We are all going to Vegas week before Christmas (really cheap then) and going to Costa Rica in Feb for an open water swim camp my daughter is coaching....so traveling is deffinetly on the agenda.
Thanks all for not only the advice but especially the encourgement. I dont know what the future for her and I holds, my guess it involves seperate lifes, but either way I am beginning to see that this whole experience might have been the best thing that ever happened to me. I have went from a nightly drunk, falling asleep in front of the tv, who only other activity was on line gaming for hours on end. To a guy who has not turned on or watched a tv in 10 weeks, who wouldnt miss 11am church service to save his soul (pun intended), not played a game on line, who has completed at least a half dozen jobs that had been needed done for three years. Who more and more laughs out loud. A guy who reads the 180 daily and will never give up his hardwon changes. Thanks again to all. Now to get the D final, will follow up later.
 
#124 ·
Wow! Talk about self improvement! Just like HurtinginTN, you're living and enjoying life again. You're ready to get back into life, with or without her. :smthumbup:

If she never wants R, then its HER LOSS, not yours. Someday you will be able to find some lucky gal that will appreciate the man that you've become.
 
#130 ·
Good for you! My H told me about his EA three weeks after I bought plane tickets for the entire family to go to Europe for a month after my youngest son's high school graduation. We went without him, and I've been traveling 4-6 times a year since then, doing all the things I could never get him to do. By myself, with friends, with family. Doesn't matter to me, I just go, and I'm happy because I'm not being someone other than myself.

The resiliency of the human spirit to build a better life after so much pain is amazing, as you're finding out. I call pain great life fertilizer.
 
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