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Never thought I would be posting here

107K views 290 replies 58 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all. Here is my story. As you may or may not know I stumbled on this site about 4 months ago when I googled "My wife doesnt love me anymore"..I have been posting on the sex in marriage, and mens rooms, but liteally had not looked at this forum, because that was not the problem. I have been going thru 2.5 years of hell at home, no real affection, lots of resentment from both my W and me, some pretty rough times. I have contemplated divorce,but was reluctant to give up on my 30 year marriage, felt like this was the "worse" in "B or W" and I really take that vow seriously. My kids are all but grown one is going to be a Junior in college, the other two are 24 and married, and 27 bipolar and a constant source of frustation, exasperation (putting it mildly, but to tell that story would take a novel, and I am afraid this one is going to be too long as it is). In December 2009, my troubled one moved back home (from UTAH where she had lived for 3 years, and had refussed to talk to us, wrote us off,) and that was a disaster! Her time here was STRESSFUL finally she got her own place in Florida, but before she was gone my wife was prescribed anti depressent, and I believe the meds, along with that smothering stress brought on her subsequent lack of libido. and a slide into the abyss. (more here as well) Couple of months ago: my W who does not work outside the home, started doing odd jobs working with a family friend of 22 years (if there is a power tool in our home it is hers not mine) and at first I was happy, I was actually glad that she was doing something that seemed to make her happy ( a VERY rare occurance) and the little extra money would come in handy as well, especially since she seem to really like haveing her own money (I am not wealthy but we live a nice suburban americana lifestile, but the little she made helped pump her ego) I became suspicious of her relationship with this friend as they did a lot of things together...went to auction sales together (buying tools, I get bored easily at auctions, she loves them, the OM was happy to go with her, as he likes auctions as well) etc. Saturday nite I waited for her to fall asleep, then checked her cell phone, and on there were these texts from the OM, professing his love for her. Looking at the "sent" messages, I saw where she expressed her love for him..."thank u for loving me" "I needed you so much" so at 3:00 am I loaded my shotgun and headed for his house, not to shoot him but to put loads of double ought buckshot into his car and truck. As i patroled the area to make sure no cops were about my head cleared a bit and I realized to do jail time would just be stupid, so I proceeded to drive around thinking a million thoughts, my head spinning. after an hour or so I drove back past his house (he lives 5 minutes from me) and parked in front was my wife. She had found the empty gun box figured out where I was (there is some info missing here how she figured it out etc..but god you people dont need to be reading this until next year). As I drove up, she jumped out of her car and ran over to me saying, "Your problem is with me, not with him!" I rolled down my window and said "You are right you s**t! "You go right now and pack your bags and get the hell out of my house!" She then said "I love him, he treats me better than you ever have!" "You have never treated me good" She proceeded to drive home, load her suitcases and leave, going to his house. Now this is Sunday 4am. On monday I received a tearful phone call,on my voice mail informing me that she wasnt going to "take me to the cleaners". I texted her"What do you want?" "My attorneys name isXXX and his phone is YYYY." was her reply. I called the att. and all she basically wanted was her personal things and $50k. Now her half of our assets would be worth much more than that the vast majority tied up in our business not liquid at all and if forced to sell in this market easily $300k would be lost. I had been concerned that I would be forced to sell to pay her off, so that made me breathe a little easier. I know the attrny, picked up on my surprise and he state"all she wants is to get this over with and get on with life." A friend had explained to me that in Indiana, a H and W if they can agree on the split of assets, can use one attrny draw up an agreement, sign it, give it to a judge to sign and 60 days later Boom! u are D. I asked if that were true and it was. So I texted my wife back that I was basically in agreement, thought we could go this route. "Fine As long as it is not contested" says she. Today I met with my attrny, he agreeded to review the doc. for me. I then called her guy back, discussed a couple of items he had brought up, mentioned that she missed her 20+ oil lamps and she would want them on the list, and in 20 minutes hammered out the basics of the entire agreement.
Tonight as I looked the texts over, I believe strongly that this was the very first encounter, and triggered by my being an ass, and going to the office to get away from her (I have done a LOT of that the last two years) not giving her any breaks but just acknowledging my fault in this as well
This knowledge has caused me to loose 90% of my anger!, still have 100% of the hurt of betrayal, but thinking for the first time this might be saveable (cant believe I am saying this) as I still do very much love my wife. I havent been able to stand living with her the last two years, bt I can remember back just before that, my youngest started college, we were empty nesters, and loving it and each other. best 4 months of our marriage! So my inclination is to hurry thru the D to conserve our business, then thinking about looking into Recon. I have read the forums everyday for these last 4 months, and kinda know were we REALLY went wrong, know enough to realize at least we have something we can work on with the right help. Am I delusional? I realize she would have to be willing to try, and all that but am I just in denial? Will I wake up 3 wks from now and hate her all over again, a product of this WAVE of emotion I have been on? is this just me wishing?
 
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#131 · (Edited)
The funny thing is, I wager, is that I'll bet she actually wants to see you more then him. It will be to find out "whats the rush". If she asks again, tell her after her racing to file for D, I laughed it off as being a joke. We'll see how long it takes her to show up to get her stuff. She'll be thinking about you when she is with him. Now she is experiencing the loss of contact with you. This feeling will become acute when she sees you. She may start pouring out every real/imagined slight by you over your marriage. Don't engage. I also think she will become angry/depressed with your new found independence and kicking new style. Next on the agenda will be the "I lost/forgot something when I picked up my stuff". No problem I'll drop it off with your brother. "NO! you won't know where it is." I'll come over and look for it. Also, it will be interesting to see how her appearance will adjust. After she sees you. Take note of how she looks, see if she puts on make up or wears something you like, when she "Has to find that important missing item (her husband). I believe the worm is starting turn. LOL
 
#138 ·
Yesterday, I stayed home from work. Locks all changed. I swept, mopped and straightened the laundry room (I had earlier painted the floor after removing smelly carpet). I swept mopped and cleaned the kitchen. I swept and cleaned my bedroom and fixed my garage door so it would lock securely. I basically spruced up the entire home so when she comes for her stuff, hopefully today, it plus I will be in tip top shape. Only thing better would be a call from her attorneys office telling me she had signed our agreement and for me to come down and sign so it can be final.
I will admit, knowing that she spent the night with OM was hard to take, as even tho this has been going on for three months, mostly she was in Florida, he the whole time was in Indiana, so they were not together. that is not the case anymore. I am ready to move on, just wish she would get on the stick and help make it happen. Just a couple of months ago the knowledge that they were together would have thrown me for a loop, last night I simply thought about it for a while, and even went to bed early and slept like a baby....it is getting better. I still cant understand how someone can just move on so casually from a 30 year marriage, just throw it to the side and start living with someone else. I look at the things in our home, things that were so important to her just a few months ago, little things like her flowers in the yard, the certain rocks that she used as accents (picky about that). The swing she purchased for our grandaughters use, the merry go round. The tree she wanted for our yard....these things all of a sudden dont matter to her....she has changed, she is self absorbed. She has done nothing to improve her life, unless you think a 51 year old woman now shacking up with a 64 year old guy is an improvement. Hope he can make her happy, I sure as heck couldnt or wouldnt, by the time I realized that I wasnt she was shutting the door on me even trying. How do they do this?
 
#142 ·
How do they do this?
Its the fog. Just like F-102 says, Remember, in the fog, they think OM/OW is Mr/Miss Wonderful and they've convinced themselves that you're the biggest @sshole on the planet and how on earth could they have fallen for you and wasted their life with you. Standard WS foggy thinking, let it roll off yoru back like water off a duck.

Besides, think of it this way, they could have spent the night fighting. You did say that OM is actually controlling and possessive, so that just may indeed be the case. Either way, she isn't your problem anymore, OM has to deal with all the stuff now that you put up with for years. Hopefully she can sign the papers and you can move on with your life.
 
#139 · (Edited)
probably arguing. When you spend that much time apart, everybody wants to talk first. I can tell you for a fact. That if one of the 3 questions was "what's the rush" there is more self talk going on with her then with you. Remember she hasn't seen the new, confident, you. I swear to you that, when she sees you, she will not be comparing you to him anymore. Why? Because she already has him. She is going to be much more interested in comparing to the "New you" she doesn't have. Stay strong and keep the reports coming. Oh and one more thing she hasn't thought of.........Holidays. I don't know, but mom's around this time of year, start thinking of the holidays. I can't imagine any of your kids abiding going over to the POSOMS house. If I may make a suggestion that will most likely be a slap to her conscientious. All the kids and you make plans for the holidays. Could be skiing, could be tropical, but do it together. If the question comes up from her to them where their going. This is their response "We're going to spend it with dad in San Diego, or the Florida keys, or the bahamas' or the mountains. A real white Christmas. If asked if she is going to get to see them. We'll try. And then they don't. Your wife does not realize yet that choosing the POSOM, means choosing a crappy relationship with her kids. She hasn't just turned her back on you. She turned her back on the whole family. If she gripes about it. They tell her "Dad needs us right now, you have Methuselah". If she calls and complains to you. Just tell her it was their idea, (no anger, happy voice). Eventually she will look at the posom as an impediment to her relationship with her kids. She is still in the fog. These are all little wake ups for her. Its not that you want her back, at least the way she is now. But I do think that she needs a good dose of the real world.

Next: a possible love interest.
 
#140 ·
Women often go through life sacrificing what they want, because they're brought up that way. Or because their spouse shuts them down if they try to ask for what they want (the male being more aggressive, dominating, and the female being more amenable and giving in). So they make do with what they have, raise the kids, get financially set, and then say 'huh? Why do I have to accept not getting what I want? I don't have to stay here!'

Not saying that's what she did, but it's VERY common for women to leave after raising the kids.

In y'all's case, the added OM in the picture gave her the PEA thrill, so it became even more irresistable.

And remember that affairs truly do turn the cheater into an alien, a drug addict - they are SO addicted to the thrill that they will throw away their whole life just to keep it coming.
 
#141 ·
IF you still want her, there's still a chance that the affair will implode, as they often do, and she'll look around, see you over there living your new life, taking the high road, and be interested again. But if you go that route, make sure she has to sign a prenup first.
 
#143 ·
You see, while she was cheating with this guy in secret, she had it all. She had her fantasy and her reality. She is still in the fantasy. Fantasy is nice, but outside of a padded room, it doesn't stand up well to the light of day. Next comes the ladies. I think the greatest shock will come when she see's you with a lady on your arm. And not a 51 year old (nothing wrong with ladies in their 50s, I think they're hot (mines 56). But the truth is the first time she see's or hears of you with another girl, she is going to think one thing "she must be under 35, he's robbing the cradle". And when she mentions it, which she will. You tell her "robbing the cradle or robbing the grave, I'll take the cradle".

To tell you the truth. I think everything your wife has done, has been done without a moments thought, before you found her out. The divorce, was an emotional decision done for one reason, not to get free, but to hurt you. She obviously didn't make any plans to leave you. Because she would have siphoned money away and made plans with him. This was not planned. And I'm not talking about dreams with the old man.
I am talking about a plan. They still don't have one. Just because she takes all her stuff and runs away, doesn't mean much. A seven year old can do that. Next, when your STBXW, finds out that he is looking for a replacement for his wife. NOT YOUR WIFE MIND YOU. HE WILL TRY TO CONFORM HER INTO THE IMAGE OF HIS DEAD WIFE. She will get tired of the comparison. "You don't cut the crusts off like Helen use to do".

Stay strong.
 
#144 ·
[QUOTEthey've convinced themselves that you're the biggest @sshole on the planet and how on earth could they have fallen for you and wasted their life with you.][/QUOTE]

Wow, this is so true, these things do follow a script dont they? she has told all her family that I fit the above descritption. To hear her talk (I am told) I was never any good. The fact that I labored all those years, never asking her to get a job just stay home with our kids counts for nothing, the fact that she was the love of my life, I would never do anything like this to her, counts as nothing. I guess I just wish I wasnt such a sensitive guy so that things would roll off my back...I think I can get there, just taking a while.
I will tell you that yesterday I went to lift and then swim. During the swim portion of my workout I actually said out loud, "Hoosier...YOU THE MAN!" I felt so GOOD!, I have truly built a better boat with my workouts and the results are plain to see. Got to remember there are good things going on with my life, and even better things to come... I really believe this...even tho the hurt is so intense at times, I will however prevail, I will be better than I ever was. Like my brother says, got to go thru fire to make steel. You are all such a big help I thank god each day for you all, and I ask for his/her continual help to those on here that are hurting like me.... and to think I had ten years when I didnt talk or ask god anything at all. Wonder why I have these problems.......duh!
 
#145 ·
Wow, this is so true, these things do follow a script dont they? she has told all her family that I fit the above descritption. To hear her talk (I am told) I was never any good. The fact that I labored all those years, never asking her to get a job just stay home with our kids counts for nothing, the fact that she was the love of my life, I would never do anything like this to her, counts as nothing. I guess I just wish I wasnt such a sensitive guy so that things would roll off my back...I think I can get there, just taking a while.
Just wait till she realizes that all they ever do is what he wants. And when people and friends see the new you. They are going to think one thing. "Damn, divorce sure agrees with hoosier. Hey do you think she could have been the problem the whole time?"

You will be the happy one in this divorce.
 
#147 ·
I keep forgetting to ask. Have you told her to not show up at the business anymore? You need to keep it all business. Find out what are the minimum requirements regarding information you have to release to her, and then make her think of what questions she needs to ask. Don't help her. She needs to be isolated from your life and those of your employees.
 
#149 ·
stbxw is still a no show.. no messages about getting stuff, although she has been back three days. One development, Friday in the pm her attorney stopped by my office with the Divorce Agreement with her signature on it. I signed immediatly so one BIG thing out of the way, she no longer has me by the fianancial short hairs. Why she did not send back from Florida, instead choosing to wait a week to come home only to take it the next day to her attorney dont know...doesnt make sense, but nothing to do with this whole deal has. Judge will sign off on Monday. I read on here about people dealing for years for their divorce. Mine took exactly 80 days from D day, helped y her filing for D within 48 hours. I guess guilt on her part was good for something, still dont know what the future holds for us, but am breathing a lot better right now. Amazing how that works when you get someones heel off your neck.
 
#150 ·
It seems to be that your WW was feeling hesitant about the D when she was away, hence the reason she was stalling about sending the papers from Florida. Now that she's back in town with OM, she's firmly back in the fog AND OM is probably pushing her to get the D done. With OM being a little possessive and controlling, he probably feels insecure about letting her come over there to get her stuff.

So don't hold your breath about any possible reconciliation. It looks like she's firmly back in the fog and in the OMs grasp. Besides, it looks like you're doing great in everything now, your self improvement will serve you well. If one day she ever comes out of the fog, great, but you won't spend the rest of your life waiting for her. You will be ok no matter what.
 
#155 ·
So much good advice from you all... and dont worry I am not hanging around waiting for Reconcilliation. Finding out that I have a good life, even tho all I heard for years is how it wasnt. As for the passive agressive, and back in the fog exactly what I thought was the deal. Going total dark now, if she doesnt come for her stuff by end of month going to take care of it myself, no text warnings, no call telling her, I told her attorney numerous times of deadline, she no shows let her deal with consequences.
 
#156 ·
Hoosier, you may want to consider having someone else move her stuff out. I say this because you might be overwhelmed by a sudden flood of emotions when touching her things. Maybe one of your daughters can help you do this.
 
#157 ·
I would also ensure she has no access to your home , you do not want her sneaking around and finding a way in while you are out. Don't waste any time pack her stuff in garbage bags , send a text and mail to her giving her a day and time to pick her stuff up , warn her if it is not picked up you will dump it the next day.

Don't mess about, her keeping her stuff there is intentional , it is a negative trigger for you and gives her a say as to when she thinks she can waltz in . Change that by effecting a timeline that you work to, make it soon.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#160 · (Edited)
Why be so vicious and malicious?
Who is being vicious and malicious?

This is to protect Hoosier, why would anyone be so naive to think his wife - who has chosen not only to commit adultery, has declined his efforts to reconcile and not even bothered to speak to him since she returned - is going to nice and pleasant to him.

She even has the divorce notice that she has had in her possession for some time delivered by a lawyer.

There is no need for Hoosier to come home one day and find she has been in what is now his home because he has not taken precautions to protect himself, his home, his emotions and his dignity. Nor is there a need for him to on a string waiting for her to decide when and if she wants to pick up her stuff.

Hoosier has his dignity he just has to continue to use common sense and removal of those items that will cause negative triggers is to protect himself.

She is at the OM's house, remove her stuff, she has intentionally decided not to come home.
 
#161 ·
Personally I would pay the 100 or so dollars, and I would go down to the bus station or airport and put all her stuff into lockers. How tightly can you compress her stuff with that buff new body? Then what you do is you make a neckless out of the keys. Maybe cloves of garlic between the keys. Then, she, at her leisure can go down town to where her stuff is and peruse her domain.
 
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