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Never thought I would be posting here

108K views 290 replies 58 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all. Here is my story. As you may or may not know I stumbled on this site about 4 months ago when I googled "My wife doesnt love me anymore"..I have been posting on the sex in marriage, and mens rooms, but liteally had not looked at this forum, because that was not the problem. I have been going thru 2.5 years of hell at home, no real affection, lots of resentment from both my W and me, some pretty rough times. I have contemplated divorce,but was reluctant to give up on my 30 year marriage, felt like this was the "worse" in "B or W" and I really take that vow seriously. My kids are all but grown one is going to be a Junior in college, the other two are 24 and married, and 27 bipolar and a constant source of frustation, exasperation (putting it mildly, but to tell that story would take a novel, and I am afraid this one is going to be too long as it is). In December 2009, my troubled one moved back home (from UTAH where she had lived for 3 years, and had refussed to talk to us, wrote us off,) and that was a disaster! Her time here was STRESSFUL finally she got her own place in Florida, but before she was gone my wife was prescribed anti depressent, and I believe the meds, along with that smothering stress brought on her subsequent lack of libido. and a slide into the abyss. (more here as well) Couple of months ago: my W who does not work outside the home, started doing odd jobs working with a family friend of 22 years (if there is a power tool in our home it is hers not mine) and at first I was happy, I was actually glad that she was doing something that seemed to make her happy ( a VERY rare occurance) and the little extra money would come in handy as well, especially since she seem to really like haveing her own money (I am not wealthy but we live a nice suburban americana lifestile, but the little she made helped pump her ego) I became suspicious of her relationship with this friend as they did a lot of things together...went to auction sales together (buying tools, I get bored easily at auctions, she loves them, the OM was happy to go with her, as he likes auctions as well) etc. Saturday nite I waited for her to fall asleep, then checked her cell phone, and on there were these texts from the OM, professing his love for her. Looking at the "sent" messages, I saw where she expressed her love for him..."thank u for loving me" "I needed you so much" so at 3:00 am I loaded my shotgun and headed for his house, not to shoot him but to put loads of double ought buckshot into his car and truck. As i patroled the area to make sure no cops were about my head cleared a bit and I realized to do jail time would just be stupid, so I proceeded to drive around thinking a million thoughts, my head spinning. after an hour or so I drove back past his house (he lives 5 minutes from me) and parked in front was my wife. She had found the empty gun box figured out where I was (there is some info missing here how she figured it out etc..but god you people dont need to be reading this until next year). As I drove up, she jumped out of her car and ran over to me saying, "Your problem is with me, not with him!" I rolled down my window and said "You are right you s**t! "You go right now and pack your bags and get the hell out of my house!" She then said "I love him, he treats me better than you ever have!" "You have never treated me good" She proceeded to drive home, load her suitcases and leave, going to his house. Now this is Sunday 4am. On monday I received a tearful phone call,on my voice mail informing me that she wasnt going to "take me to the cleaners". I texted her"What do you want?" "My attorneys name isXXX and his phone is YYYY." was her reply. I called the att. and all she basically wanted was her personal things and $50k. Now her half of our assets would be worth much more than that the vast majority tied up in our business not liquid at all and if forced to sell in this market easily $300k would be lost. I had been concerned that I would be forced to sell to pay her off, so that made me breathe a little easier. I know the attrny, picked up on my surprise and he state"all she wants is to get this over with and get on with life." A friend had explained to me that in Indiana, a H and W if they can agree on the split of assets, can use one attrny draw up an agreement, sign it, give it to a judge to sign and 60 days later Boom! u are D. I asked if that were true and it was. So I texted my wife back that I was basically in agreement, thought we could go this route. "Fine As long as it is not contested" says she. Today I met with my attrny, he agreeded to review the doc. for me. I then called her guy back, discussed a couple of items he had brought up, mentioned that she missed her 20+ oil lamps and she would want them on the list, and in 20 minutes hammered out the basics of the entire agreement.
Tonight as I looked the texts over, I believe strongly that this was the very first encounter, and triggered by my being an ass, and going to the office to get away from her (I have done a LOT of that the last two years) not giving her any breaks but just acknowledging my fault in this as well
This knowledge has caused me to loose 90% of my anger!, still have 100% of the hurt of betrayal, but thinking for the first time this might be saveable (cant believe I am saying this) as I still do very much love my wife. I havent been able to stand living with her the last two years, bt I can remember back just before that, my youngest started college, we were empty nesters, and loving it and each other. best 4 months of our marriage! So my inclination is to hurry thru the D to conserve our business, then thinking about looking into Recon. I have read the forums everyday for these last 4 months, and kinda know were we REALLY went wrong, know enough to realize at least we have something we can work on with the right help. Am I delusional? I realize she would have to be willing to try, and all that but am I just in denial? Will I wake up 3 wks from now and hate her all over again, a product of this WAVE of emotion I have been on? is this just me wishing?
 
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#162 ·
The best solution I have heard is when someone informed the WS that they were moving the WS's stuff out to the street and have called Salvation Army to pick it up on XX/XX date. If she wants any of it, she's welcome to come by and pick up whatever she wants before that date. Because, after that, it'll be gone. (and YOU will get a tax writeoff)
 
#163 ·
[QUOTEThere is no need for Hoosier to come home one day and find she has been in what is now his home because he has not taken precautions to protect himself, his home,][/QUOTE]

No problem there....my house has had all the locks changed, it is tight as fort knox. As for her stuff I have held to the high road the whole time and will continue to do so best I can. Just like asking to R I had to do all that I could at the time so no regrets later. But I have notified her numerous times that end of Oct is cut off date, after that I will dispose of items if she hasnt come for them. I will not contact her again and remind her, but the clock is ticking, and I am going to be gone two of the next four weekends, and maybe more, so she needs to get on the stick.
 
#165 ·
Eli, when you’ve been married for many years and have grown up children you will have an exceedingly different perspective on these things. But you’ve never been married. And of course you are not a man, you are a woman so again you will have a totally different perspective. It is well known that women respond very differently to men when they’ve been scorned. It is for a man to behave like a Man in these things.

If Hoosier were to take your advice and “dump her stuff the next day” as you recommend what do you think his children and the other important people in his life will think and feel about him? And what would he think and feel about himself in 10, 20 years time when he looks back and reflects?

Real Men do not respond to one event or phase with their wife as though nothing was ever good in the past. That’s for others to do. Men take everything into account when coming to their conclusions and judgements. That’s why it takes us so long, we’re not into knee jerk reactions. Hoosier is behaving like a real man in these things. He’s found himself again and he’s very much liking what he’s seeing. He doesn’t need to respond with anger and bitterness to anything no matter how much he might feel like it. He’ll get rid of his anger in other, more creative, not destructive ways.
 
#168 ·
I have a "mole" in the county courthouse. I confirmed that the decree and all necessary paperwork were filed by my x's (yes she is now my x) attorney. Although they were in the judges pile of "mail" for the day and not signed, was assured that even if he signed them tomorrow they would be effective today. Person told me the judge would probably sign everything in stack today.
I immediately drove down to local florist, and ordered a $50 arrangment of cut flowers. I filled out the card personally, it said, " J, thank you for 30 years, 125 days. Looking forward to happier times for us both. K" they are delivering it yet this afternoon. She hasnt even heard from her attorney yet I am sure.
 
#171 ·
So today I woke up for the first time since early July with a pretty clear head. I realized that it wasnt so much that my xw was staying at the OM house that was bothering me but that OM was having his way WITH MY WIFE. Her not being my wife anymore, now just some woman, unbelieveably makes a difference to me. I did not see this coming, always learning something about the situation and myself. I think I might actually make it...
 
#179 ·
If it's really bothering you having it there - which I can complete see that it would - box it up and take it to a mini-storage. Pay for one month's rent, mail her a key to the pad lock with the address and unit number and tell her you paid for a month, after that you don't know what will happen to her stuff. If you do this I would recommend sending that letter return receipt so if she doesn't get her stuff you can prove that you sent her everything she needed to collect it.

Over. Done.
 
#182 ·
Got text from XW yesterday after I texted her twice to see when she was coming to pick up her stuff.

Me: I thought I would have J and L (friends of both of us) there to help.
XW: Why do we have to have someone there?
Me: Because I dont trust you. You can say I said this, I did that and without any backup I have no recourse. So I chose someone we BOTH trust to be there. Only costing me a dinner for them both.
XW: I will load by myself u go in the house I wont talk to u.
Me: I dont mind helping but think it best to have neutral party there.
XW: I just want to get it done! (then why have I been trying for two weeks to get her to answer my request for date and time)
Me: I still think it best to have them there plus they would be good help
XW: If its that big of a deal keep the stuff.
Me: (after a ten minute wait) How about tomorrow (wed) at 5:30.
XW: Ok

I immediately called our friends, they are going to be here tonight. Dont know if she expects them or not. I have not seen her since mid July, have gone dark on her so really haveing even talked with her, no communication at all. This is going to be interesting. Am praying for calm and no emotional crap, hope I can hold it together. I know it is going to be hard to see her again, 30 years of feelings for another person, especially a person who you thought was the love of your life, just dont go away even after all the crap she put me thru. I have made great strides in getting my act together. I am packing my gym bag so I can immediately go work out after this is done I will need the good endorphins like nobodys business.
 
#183 ·
This is going to be tough. Is it possible for you to install a web cam in the garage so that you can monitor what's going on instead of physically being there and in her presence? Is OM going to be there?

The fact that she texted for you to stay in the house and she wont talk to you seems to indicate that she still has this idea that you want to chase after her.
 
#188 ·
No OM is not going to be here. I texted told her "B (OM) is not welcome". Did say "C (her brother) is fine" As for telling her in advance. I dont wish to scam her, I want to be able to say that I was above board in all my dealings with her. Not going to back down in what I want or what I do, just being as upfront and transparent as I can. I am going to be there, I know it will be tough, but no tougher than all the sh#t I have been putting up with for the last 90 days. At least now that we are D'd she no longer has me by the fianacial short hairs. Keep calm Hoosier, dont let them see you sweat, they cant harm you now. Bad persons go away soon.
 
#189 ·
Talk about anticlimatic! X showed up, walked right by me without saying a word, (no you look great, youve lost weight, see you put up the bird house, trimed and mulched the hedges,or any of the other stuff I did)neither to me or the couple that were here (woman was her best friend in town) started loading up her truck with the box's of stuff. Took three loads, extended cab full and all, but all was moved out. Only said likethree things the whole time. Once was when friend mentioned didnt she want to go in and say hello to our dog (dog is17 doesnt move much and is sadly not long for this world, she had not seen dog for10 weeks). X responded "Not my house, so not going in."
After all was loaded, I mentioned the few things at my office that she needed to pick up, "How about next Tuesday after 5pm?" " I cant, I need to take OM to the doctor that day" (with real concerned look) "Ok how about Wed then?" I only heard going to dr. did not hear her mention OM, kinda glad cause I probably would have said 1. Oh, sure hope its serious. or 2. Woot! Woot! karma train coming to town?
either way she loaded all and left. I surprisingly had no adverse reaction to her taking stuff, after she left I waited for it, but it was not there. Maybe I am getting better after all.
One last thing. The box containing her wedding dress was amongst the items. I had insturced our friends to not touch that box, without telling them what it was, told them let her carry that one out. She made her wedding dress, did a great job, she never throws ANYTHING away. She waited until the last trip to truck, carrying that box by itself. After she left friend said, what ever was in that box she must not of wanted, she threw it in the trash!
 
#190 ·
today i realized she left a couple of chairs that she redid for a 4H project when in high school. I sent her a text asking if she wanted them....no response. 2 hours later I texted her that I would take her nonresponse as a rude no. Told her why couldnt she at least be civil, after all it was her that moved out, rejected my attempts at R. She texted back "For 30 years you have brow beat me and u r the victim must you continue to jab me" Never before had she mentioned browbeating, but she seems to need to find a way to be the victim, so this must be her story line now. At least this makes it easier for me to say enough. I didnt respond, cant argue with a crazy person, I always knew she had issues, thought they were getting worse last few years...this proves it.
 
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