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Never thought I would be posting here

107K views 290 replies 58 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello all. Here is my story. As you may or may not know I stumbled on this site about 4 months ago when I googled "My wife doesnt love me anymore"..I have been posting on the sex in marriage, and mens rooms, but liteally had not looked at this forum, because that was not the problem. I have been going thru 2.5 years of hell at home, no real affection, lots of resentment from both my W and me, some pretty rough times. I have contemplated divorce,but was reluctant to give up on my 30 year marriage, felt like this was the "worse" in "B or W" and I really take that vow seriously. My kids are all but grown one is going to be a Junior in college, the other two are 24 and married, and 27 bipolar and a constant source of frustation, exasperation (putting it mildly, but to tell that story would take a novel, and I am afraid this one is going to be too long as it is). In December 2009, my troubled one moved back home (from UTAH where she had lived for 3 years, and had refussed to talk to us, wrote us off,) and that was a disaster! Her time here was STRESSFUL finally she got her own place in Florida, but before she was gone my wife was prescribed anti depressent, and I believe the meds, along with that smothering stress brought on her subsequent lack of libido. and a slide into the abyss. (more here as well) Couple of months ago: my W who does not work outside the home, started doing odd jobs working with a family friend of 22 years (if there is a power tool in our home it is hers not mine) and at first I was happy, I was actually glad that she was doing something that seemed to make her happy ( a VERY rare occurance) and the little extra money would come in handy as well, especially since she seem to really like haveing her own money (I am not wealthy but we live a nice suburban americana lifestile, but the little she made helped pump her ego) I became suspicious of her relationship with this friend as they did a lot of things together...went to auction sales together (buying tools, I get bored easily at auctions, she loves them, the OM was happy to go with her, as he likes auctions as well) etc. Saturday nite I waited for her to fall asleep, then checked her cell phone, and on there were these texts from the OM, professing his love for her. Looking at the "sent" messages, I saw where she expressed her love for him..."thank u for loving me" "I needed you so much" so at 3:00 am I loaded my shotgun and headed for his house, not to shoot him but to put loads of double ought buckshot into his car and truck. As i patroled the area to make sure no cops were about my head cleared a bit and I realized to do jail time would just be stupid, so I proceeded to drive around thinking a million thoughts, my head spinning. after an hour or so I drove back past his house (he lives 5 minutes from me) and parked in front was my wife. She had found the empty gun box figured out where I was (there is some info missing here how she figured it out etc..but god you people dont need to be reading this until next year). As I drove up, she jumped out of her car and ran over to me saying, "Your problem is with me, not with him!" I rolled down my window and said "You are right you s**t! "You go right now and pack your bags and get the hell out of my house!" She then said "I love him, he treats me better than you ever have!" "You have never treated me good" She proceeded to drive home, load her suitcases and leave, going to his house. Now this is Sunday 4am. On monday I received a tearful phone call,on my voice mail informing me that she wasnt going to "take me to the cleaners". I texted her"What do you want?" "My attorneys name isXXX and his phone is YYYY." was her reply. I called the att. and all she basically wanted was her personal things and $50k. Now her half of our assets would be worth much more than that the vast majority tied up in our business not liquid at all and if forced to sell in this market easily $300k would be lost. I had been concerned that I would be forced to sell to pay her off, so that made me breathe a little easier. I know the attrny, picked up on my surprise and he state"all she wants is to get this over with and get on with life." A friend had explained to me that in Indiana, a H and W if they can agree on the split of assets, can use one attrny draw up an agreement, sign it, give it to a judge to sign and 60 days later Boom! u are D. I asked if that were true and it was. So I texted my wife back that I was basically in agreement, thought we could go this route. "Fine As long as it is not contested" says she. Today I met with my attrny, he agreeded to review the doc. for me. I then called her guy back, discussed a couple of items he had brought up, mentioned that she missed her 20+ oil lamps and she would want them on the list, and in 20 minutes hammered out the basics of the entire agreement.
Tonight as I looked the texts over, I believe strongly that this was the very first encounter, and triggered by my being an ass, and going to the office to get away from her (I have done a LOT of that the last two years) not giving her any breaks but just acknowledging my fault in this as well
This knowledge has caused me to loose 90% of my anger!, still have 100% of the hurt of betrayal, but thinking for the first time this might be saveable (cant believe I am saying this) as I still do very much love my wife. I havent been able to stand living with her the last two years, bt I can remember back just before that, my youngest started college, we were empty nesters, and loving it and each other. best 4 months of our marriage! So my inclination is to hurry thru the D to conserve our business, then thinking about looking into Recon. I have read the forums everyday for these last 4 months, and kinda know were we REALLY went wrong, know enough to realize at least we have something we can work on with the right help. Am I delusional? I realize she would have to be willing to try, and all that but am I just in denial? Will I wake up 3 wks from now and hate her all over again, a product of this WAVE of emotion I have been on? is this just me wishing?
 
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#252 ·
Update: Well tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of DDay. I have been mildly depressed all last week. So doing the only thing I know that helps, I picked up the intensity of my training (needed to anyway, doing a 2.4 and 1.2 mile swim race in October in Las Vegas) and quit drinking any amount of alcohol. Started feeling better almost immediately. I started to read this thread again, decided to do it some other day, if ever, as it is still painful to read. My xw married the POSOM July of last year. And even tho she lives 5 blocks from me in a small town of 8100, I have not seen her or him, even in passing, in 16 months. I do know the following:
1. She continues to gain weight, her own sister told me that she has continued to gain.
2. She has only seen our 2 year old granddaughter one time since Oct of 2011. And that was when my eldest came home during the holidays and went to the xw's home for a visit. They do talk on the phone, and photos are sent, but the POSOM is not welcome in my daughters home (live in Florida) and he will not allow my xw to go without him. The xw continues to tell my daughter that she doesn't have the money to visit (Im going next week, for a week, as I have every three months since GD was born, purchased my round trip flight ticket for $250, airport is 20 minutes from daughters home) although they just bought a new camper last month,,,,guessing $5k worth.
3. The POSOM does not allow my xw to have her own cell phone. He has one, that he allows her to use, but keeps it on his person all the rest of the time. Because my youngest (22) does not like him, wont call her mother, as you have to go thru him to talk to her. They (d and xw) have not talked since early 2012.
4. POSOM looks bad (he is now 65, xw is 53) as noted by more than one person who has seen him. I am hopeful his cancer is coming back and it takes him real slow.
5. To her, her 5 brothers, and her mother I am the bad guy. Have not conversed with any of them since this happened. No, sorry for your troubles, no hope you are well, only my xmil saying "I never liked him anyway" Married 30 years...wow.
With all the negativity, I can still say life is great! I have dated a number of great women, half of which make more, have more than me, and I do ok. I love and talk to all 3 of my daughters weekly. Bought my granddaughter her own IPad, and although she is only 2, she can operate it, and we Skype weekly, she screams PA PA! when she sees me :). GD Doesn't know how to call me...yet, but it is only a matter of time. xw does not have internet so they never Skype. To those new to the infidelity game, I can only say HANG IN THERE! I so much looked forward to the golden years with my wife, but she choose another route. I still struggle sometimes trying to figure out how she could have done what she did, then remember that to try and understand someone who is crazy, is......crazy. The pain is going away slowly, but it is going away. It will go away for you as well. I couldn't remember the title for my thread, when I saw it I think I named it correctly, because I still cant believe I ever needed to post in this forum. I just wonder if I will ever love someone that much again, don't think so. Maybe its because I am not young and impressionable anymore, I hope that's it. I hope I haven't lost the ability to love completely. Recently was asked when I was getting married again. I replied: "whenever the lead sniper on Seal Team 6 misses, as I have them on retainer with explicit instructions that if I EVER walk down the aisle again, take me out!" Thanks again to all my TAM friends, I couldn't do it without you. I have made it my lifes work to refer people to this forum who need it, as I know what it did for me.
 
#257 ·
Sounds like your XW is in a living hell and her OM is obsessive about controlling her. Its obvious that she's miserable, but she's too stubborn and prideful to ever tell you that. But she made her bed, she can lie in it. She's not your problem anymore, she's OM's problem now.

As for the in-laws, well, the saying is true: Blood is thicker than water. No big loss there. People who approve her affair and call you the bad guy, aren't worthy of your respect or your time anyway.
 
#259 ·
BlueCollar: As for the menopause thing. I wondered that myself, think it may have been a part of the reason. But really, my xw has always had some issues and I just think it is them getting worse and worse. Throw in that the POSOM was a friend, knew us well, knew how to manipulate her, knew exactly what to say and when to say it, and it becomes clearer how it happened. That being said, I have found out that she was routinely complaining about me to her best friend (who she no longer talks to) and she never ever mentioned anything to me. She is really damaged goods, and it aint getting any better!

LM: Do you know my xw? lol You are exactly right, she is miserable and she will never fess up to it. He is controlling all that she does, and that was another complaint she had about me, that I was to controlling! Had more that one person tell me that I would some day be glad she is gone, not there completely yet, but getting closer each day. You were one of the main people that was there for me, and I owe you big time. I did read a bit of this last night, and I was amazed at how often people were spot on as to what was happening, and you my friend were probably the most accurate. Thank you again, and if ever you get to Northern Indiana I owe you a beer!

Why Not: Thank you for your kind words. My counselor told me that I "am amazingly resilient". I feel that I was just lucky enough to have found TAM when I did, between TAM and my counselor you pulled me thru.
 
#262 ·
Bashful: She will NEVER admit she is wrong. NEVER ask me to take her back. Her MO is to shun someone she has issues with. She quit talking to her sister 12 years ago. Walks out of a room if sis walks in. And no one, not me, her sister, no one knows what happened what the problem is. The amazing thing is I know of at least 5 people she has done the same thing to. Take her back? No way! I do wish she was a bit more stable for my kids and grandchilds sake. She was a great mother to our kids, they were her life. Now she speaks occasionally to my oldest, (29)mostly about my granddaughter, my middle daughter (26 lives in Los Angeles) calls her once a month, told me it was like having a job, and xw hasn't talked to my youngest (22) in over a year. As to what she believes...who knows?

Acabado: I own my own business, so cant relocate. Funny tho, I started my business in 1989. For the first 10 years worked 70-90 hours a week. Next 10 about 55-60. Since DDay I have rethought the whole deal, and for example from now til the end of the year, I have a week off, EVERY month except Oct when I am taking 10 days. (to swim in Vegas, then stopping in Denver on the way back for 4 days of the Great American Beer Festival) I have a condo on the beach in the Caymans end of August, taking my two youngest daughters (oldest invited not able to attend) to celebrate my youngest graduating from College. My xw did not even have a open house for her (I did) nor did my XMIL, or anyone in that family except for my sister in law, even acknowledge the accomplishment. And my two youngest daughters are the only ones in that family (probably 25 kids) who graduated from college.

Within a week of DDay I talked with my middle daughter, her words, "Dad, I love mom, she was a great mother, but mom has never been happy, you tried to make her happy and you couldn't, mom will never be happy. You can do better!" Now 2 years later I cherish these words, as they remind me that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't a bad guy, I made mistakes, I am not perfect, but you cant control other people and their actions. You have to do whats right, take care of those you love, enjoy life with those that love you....... I am!
 
#265 ·
Within a week of DDay I talked with my middle daughter, her words, "Dad, I love mom, she was a great mother, but mom has never been happy, you tried to make her happy and you couldn't, mom will never be happy. You can do better!" Now 2 years later I cherish these words, as they remind me that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't a bad guy, I made mistakes, I am not perfect, but you cant control other people and their actions. You have to do whats right, take care of those you love, enjoy life with those that love you....... I am!
What a great, loving and VERY wise_for_her_years, Daughter.

She sounds allot like my own Daughter.:):D:smthumbup:
 
#264 ·
Acabado: Yes, have dated quite a bit. One woman for a year. She is a great gal, we get along great. That being said, I have no interest in being married. Not yet anyway. Today I did sit down and read thru this entire post, not painful as I expected but more of a realization of how far I really have come. One post I read told me that I should divorce as quick as possible, as when a guy is in his 50's there are a lot of women interested in dating. I find this to be absolutely correct! A friend told me I had the three P's (Personality, Property, and a paycheck) and I would do fine, and I have, actually way better than "fine" lol. I am being picky and am determined to not settle.
 
#267 ·
It's seems her MO is to cut off everyone she believes did her some wrongdoing. No explanations.
She burned every bridge, even her former confidant. How the hell is she going to tell her she got out of the (false) frying pan into the (real) fire? It's just becasue her legendary pride? Wait, she doesn't have a cell phone to call her!
 
#269 ·
Hoosier

I am so glad you updated us, I think of you often and the raw deal you got.

I remember you as a man that truly loved his wife and kids.

You have every right to be picky.

Funny how your Ex called you controlling. Then married the most controlling man who claimed to be your friend.

Keep laughing even if the laugh is bitter.

Enjoy life and be as picky as you want. When you do settle on a woman she will be leaps and bounds above your exwife minus the crazy....

HM64
 
#270 · (Edited)
Update: Hello all. I am posting today as an update and to hopefully give others going thru a tough time a ray of hope.

Next week will be the 3 year anniversary of my divorce. I sat down today and reviewed this thread. WOW! Funny how you forget some things, things that were said and things that happened. I read the first few pages and I remember the hurt, the confusion, the total feelings of being lost. Others need to know:

1. Time is the answer....Time! Why just last year reading this thread would of put me thru the wringer, I would have needed to take the rest of the day off. Today I read this thread and while I remember the desperation, I dont even begin to feel bad. While I still have moments of sense of loss, they are fewer and farther between. While I use to think about my situation literally every 5 minutes, I now go thru days and even sometimes weeks without giving it a thought. THIS WILL BE YOU, after some time has passed.

2. My granddaughter is the cutest kid in the universe! I have continued to travel to Florida to see her every three months, staying for a week each time. I gave her an IPad a year ago to make Skypeing with her easier. She now uses it to call ME about every day ON HER OWN! She loves to get me online, then set the IPad down so I can watch her play, and we can converse. LOL In every conversation she makes sure that I am coming to her house soon, that we will go to the beach, that we will go see the alligators, that we will go to Tripps (a small neighborhood diner, and our favorite place) for breakfast, and I will blow on her tummy! My xw has only seen her twice, the last time six months ago, when her and her husband (the POSOM) were in Florida to see HIS Stepgranddaughter get married. They stopped by for dinner (didn't even take them out) when my daughter told them about gd skypeing with me, my xw said "Wish I could do that, but I dont even have a computer". My daughter mentioned she had an older laptop in which the battery was bad, but if plugged in it works fine, offered to give it to the xw. Her husband, sitting there in front of everyone said, "No! why if we had internet you would just be on sites you dont need to be on." End of conversation.

3. My daughter is doing great! She has a boyfriend who I like a lot. He has no kids of his own, and worships the ground my gd walks on. They (my daughter and him) are engaged to be married next May, are closing on a house next month, and she has been at her current job a year and a half making $40k a year, and getting letters of commendation from the CEO (I have seen them). The sperm doner is really out of the picture, he has not seen my gd in over three years, and appears to be open to letting the boyfriend adopt. I continue to monitor the situation, ever vigilant, but my daughter has never been this long at a job, and I tell you my gd is thriving!

4. My xw and the POSOM have moved out of our small town, about 30 minutes away, but now have no reason to be around here and I can finally go to the grocery store without wondering if I will run into them. The POSOM does not allow her to have her own cell phone, if you want to talk with her you have to call him and ask for her. They do not have a land line, no internet, and live in the boonies in an old deserted church they bought and are fixing up. She already has complained the the money I gave them is spent, and she recently went for the first time ever to visit my middle daughter in California, and from the photos posted on FB I can tell you she hasn't purchased any new clothes either. I have not seen her (xw) since Feb of 2012, when I gave her the last of her stuff and she told me that she never wanted to see me again you MFer! No problem here lady!

5. I have dated a number of really great women, my current gf and I have been dating a year and a half. I never see myself getting married again, heck I dont even want to live together for now. My gf is good with this, as she works in a town 40 minutes away, has a great job, and we spend almost every weekend together doing fun things, appreciating each other. I was told early on that being in my 50's that in dating the advantage is in my corner, and they were right!

To you newly BS's, hang in there! Listen to the folks here on TAM, they know what they talk about. While my life is not all roses and silk, I AM happier then I would of been in my dysfunctional marriage. I never thought I would see sunshine again just three years ago, and just last week my brother and I high fived during a discussion on the happenings of my divorce. This can be you, but its going to take some time and work on your part. Good luck to you and God bless.

Hoosier.
 
#272 ·
!"

Posting an update, not so much for me, as it is for others, time is the answer:

My youngest daughter got married this last weekend, here in Indiana. I flew down to Florida to get my granddaughter for the ceremony (she is now 5) as her mother was not able to attend. It was the first time many of my family met her. She was thrilled!!
The day my youngest got married was always a big deal for me in the future as I dreaded the needed communications with my x. Turns out I needn't of worried. At my suggestion, my youngest sought out her mother to invite her to the wedding. (Turns out my youngest had not talked to her mother in over 3 years). My x's answer was for my daughter and her fiancé drive two hours north to a Mexican restaurant 5 minutes from her house for dinner to get together before the wedding (my daughters insistence, as my x had not even met the fiance'). 15 minutes into the dinner, things going pretty well, my x said "Now for me to be the bad guy, WHY HAVENT YOU CALLED ME IN 3 YEARS?" WTF? don't think she would of like the answer myself, but with the question it was on (as reported to me by my now son in law) and 5 minutes later my daughter left the restaurant and they were on their way home. Bottom line: My x did not attend the wedding. WOW!
I arranged for my granddaughter to spend some time with her grandmother (the x) as my x has only seen my granddaughter once in the last 4 years (her husband, the POSOM, will not let her travel to Florida with out him and he doesn't want to go, so no visiting). So I met my x at the airport and I DID NOT RECOGNIZE her at first (been 4 years) She looked like crap, was dressed like crap, and never once looked me in the eye. Most importantly for me, I absolutely felt no emotional attachment at all! If you look back in this thread you will see that I was as attached as any BS could be, all I wanted many times was my marriage back. I lost 18 pounds in 9 days, did not work for a year. If I can make it this far SO CAN YOU! Time my friends, time.
 
#275 ·
Re: !"

Posting an update, not so much for me, as it is for others, time is the answer:

My youngest daughter got married this last weekend, here in Indiana. I flew down to Florida to get my granddaughter for the ceremony (she is now 5) as her mother was not able to attend. It was the first time many of my family met her. She was thrilled!!
The day my youngest got married was always a big deal for me in the future as I dreaded the needed communications with my x. Turns out I needn't of worried. At my suggestion, my youngest sought out her mother to invite her to the wedding. (Turns out my youngest had not talked to her mother in over 3 years). My x's answer was for my daughter and her fiancé drive two hours north to a Mexican restaurant 5 minutes from her house for dinner to get together before the wedding (my daughters insistence, as my x had not even met the fiance'). 15 minutes into the dinner, things going pretty well, my x said "Now for me to be the bad guy, WHY HAVENT YOU CALLED ME IN 3 YEARS?" WTF? don't think she would of like the answer myself, but with the question it was on (as reported to me by my now son in law) and 5 minutes later my daughter left the restaurant and they were on their way home. Bottom line: My x did not attend the wedding. WOW!
I arranged for my granddaughter to spend some time with her grandmother (the x) as my x has only seen my granddaughter once in the last 4 years (her husband, the POSOM, will not let her travel to Florida with out him and he doesn't want to go, so no visiting). So I met my x at the airport and I DID NOT RECOGNIZE her at first (been 4 years) She looked like crap, was dressed like crap, and never once looked me in the eye. Most importantly for me, I absolutely felt no emotional attachment at all! If you look back in this thread you will see that I was as attached as any BS could be, all I wanted many times was my marriage back. I lost 18 pounds in 9 days, did not work for a year. If I can make it this far SO CAN YOU! Time my friends, time.
Congrats. Like I told you before, your XWW is miserable but too prideful to ever admit it. The proof is staring at you in the face. She looks like absolute crap. Life with OM must be great huh? (NOT!).
 
#273 ·
Hoosier, I could spend the rest of my day re-reading this post. It reminds me that sometimes a old fashioned feel good story can come out of even the biggest pile of steaming dung. My heart is warmed by your peace and happiness. Good on you.
 
#277 ·
I just discovered your thread and read back over it. I'm glad life is moving forward in a positive way for you. I guess your XW is learning that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. She gave up her entire family for a POSOM that doesn't trust her as far as he can throw her, because he knows she has the ability to cheat. Enjoy your kids and your grandkids, and I hope you find continued good fortune moving forward with life.
 
#279 ·
One thing that I noted about @Hoosiers saga and post was the lack of women who responded to his woes. There were a few.

I think that this is normal behavior. Women identify with women's issues and pain and men with men in these CWI stories.

This is a generalization, some men get an abundance of women's sympathy card's.. throughout the drama and real life soap-operas.

It is the players and the play-out.... that determines the audience.
 
#280 ·
Last and final update:

I just wanted to post a final update, not because I am leaving TAM but because I wanted to let those just now going thru the pain of infidelity to have a positive outcome to read, and when I say positive, I mean POSITIVE.

My grandaughter in Florida is moving to Indiana! The four annual trips to St. Pete sure took a chunk of time and money. Totally worth it, she is now 7 and we are as close as a grandparent and grandchild can be. Her grandmother (my x) still has not went to Florida to see her. My granddaughter has came up for a week the last two summers and was here two weeks during the last hurricane. I made arrangments for her to stay at her grandmothers during all the visits, for multiple overnights, not to help out the x but to make it possible for my granddaughter to have a real relationship with her, I think that is important. People say "but you pay for her to fly (or go get her), pick her up, deliver her, I wouldnt do that!" But it is not that bad, we have a McDonalds half way between us, we exchange in the parking lot, yet to say one word to each other, and the only time I have seen the X since Feb of 2012.

My x (who did not attend my youngest daughter wedding two years ago) still has no relationship with my yougest daugher. Has not even met her three step grandchildren. I believe because of the POSOM influence, but at some point it falls on on her. She has missed so much, I almost feel sorry for her, almost.

I have had a couple of relationships, lots of dates, in the last almost seven years. The one thing I remember thinking is "how am I ever going to find another woman?" THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM>>>>AT ALL! In fact its been quite the opposite, trying to keep them from getting their hooks into me........lol. I am nearing three years in my current relationship, with the absolute best woman I have dated. She and I are extremly compatable, like the same music, she is always up for an adventure, and we travel a lot. (Spring break in San Antonio this year, Ft. Myers last, Colorado in June,our third trip there and either Vegas or Los Angeles in the fall.) My only negative, if it is, is my desire to maintain my independence. We do not live together, live 30 minutes apart, see each other every weekend, trading whos house, and usually during the week. She has expressed a desire for more, but I am not at all wanting to..... somebody told me that Dr. Phil would say I am "broken" and maybe I am, but I really like my independence.

The POSOM who is 15 years older than I and my xw (58) is not doing so well. He currently sleeps in a hospital bed as a month ago he broke an ankle changing a battery in a smoke detector. Being cheep. He elected to NOT have even basic Medicare coverage, choosing instead to rely on the VA benefits. When he broke the ankle they had to drive an hour to the nearest VA facility only to find that his lungs are not good enough for surgury, and they sent him back home. Couldnt happen to a nicer guy, my "friend" of 20 years. I dont him to die to soon, needs to suffer a bit more.

They constantly have money problems, but yet she will not get a job, he doesnt want her to, hard to keep track of her if she does.

When it all went down, a friend told me that in a few years I would be sending him a case of wine on DDay thanking him. I really could of done that the last two years.

Married 30 years, the surprise of the Affair caused me to have PTSD symptoms. Two years in I thought I was all better. But honestly only in the last year have I come close to being as productive at work as I was. I would tell people "I am all better now" and realize 6 months later that I was even BETTER. The one thing I would caution anyone in similiar situation....time..... it is going to really take some time.... for me its almost 7 years and I now feel I am at 90%. The good thing is as far as quality of life, I am at 120% of where I was when I was married.

I still thank God everyday for the folks at TAM. They got me thru it! I think the one thing I did best, was LISTEN to the advice, and ACT on it. Not all of it was good advice, but having sometimes two sides to an argument helps discern which is best for you. But you must LISTEN< ANALYZE<ACT.

In closing, hopefully this will help someone, I know when it was all fresh, I liked people reporting back later, it gave me hope. To my TAM friends..........love ya, come by for a beer anytime.

Hoosier.
 
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