Dandri

Hello I'm just posting this thread mainly to vent but also to confess and hopfully show people where things can go soo wrong so fast in a marriage.

My husband of nearly 4 years and together for 6 years and I are seperated, and filing for divorce.

Unlike in so many cases where the wife wants more affection from the husband or vis versa, or even the issue of cheating comming into play no matter how benign it may seem to either party in a marriage. As in the many other posts I have read it is typically one or the other. In my situation I had all the above.

First off it was not my husband that did the almost cheating, it was me. I play a lot of internet games I live in the states and met a guy that lives in the uk. it started as flirting banter 3 weeks ago and has turned into deep sharing of personal issues as well as mutual verbal affection - such as saying hugs u, kisses u, and calling each other hun and babe. No nothing else happened but none the less it is technically cheating even though nothing physical took place. Im not going to drum it down and say I didnt cheat because face it everyone the bottom line is getting affection from someone that is not your partner is cheating.

Having confessed that here, now I get to show my side of the story and what it is I tried to fix things before calling it quits. If people read posts here you will see there is a lot of talk about this 180 method. It is not designed for you to use to leave your spouse. It is a tool to use to help emotionaly stabilize your-self while giving your spouse the opportunity to what it is they will be saying goodbye to if things do not change.

My mariage has been a disaster from the begining looking back at it now I can say that with all honesty, I should have said no. But I didn't I said yes. I can not change that now, it is in the past and we are simply moving on without one another.

you may ask what makes you think that now? Well ladies how many of you purchased you own wedding and engament rings? Now I understand some ladies feel it doesn't matter who buys the rings, let me just explain why this bothers me soo much now looking back at. When my husband proposed he didnt have a ring, that was ok I was in no rush to get a ring we didnt have much money and were going to be moving in with my parents as we didnt have enough money to be on our own. Only thing is we moved in and were not paying any bills to my parents and 4 months later he finally begins to "look" for a ring. Ok fine, great ill get a ring. Only he comes home one week after begining his "search" complaining he doesnt know what to get me. I told him buy whatever he wants its a token from him ill love it no matter what, same thing happens a week later and the week after. So he finally tells me I have to pick it out myself. So we go to the store.

I see they are too expensive and tell him no lets go to the mall and get something less expensive. Went into a shop where he knew I had a charge card for. I pick out a ring that is 443.00 not that expensive nor flashy just a solitare. Go to get it only to have him tell me he has 27.00 in his account and is going to apply for a card. He applys and yup you guessed it he was declined. So me not thinking that it was odd or anything used my own card and got the ring. Least to say he never paid the bill, nor asked me for the bill so he could pay for the ring - or offered to pay for the bill at any time. This also happened for his ring and my wedding band. All of them went on my card and he never paid.

As time went by finances were always a problem which in any relationship is bad enough. My problem wasnt the finaces however it was the affection that was lacking.

After we got married, not but 9-10 months later verbal and sexual affections virtually dissapeared. Some may thing oh you had a baby, NO this is not the case as we have no children nor were there any false alarms either. I considered I was lucky I mean really lucky if we made love once a month. And still even with all the talking, I only ever got "I dont know" or silence from him when I asked if there was something I could do to make him more interested in that aspect of our marriage. Never got answers to the questions even to this day. You may be thinking oh he was seeing someone else - no this is not the case - if he wasnt at work he was at home on xbox or on the couch watching tv. (I know this as he worked for my parents company.)

Two years ago it started getting worse and worse as the months went by to the point where any and all affection was cut off, it was normally regualted to hello kiss and goodbye kiss with once in a while i love u.

I would go to kiss or hug him or touch him in the last 5-6 months and he would get angry, aggitated or annoyed with me and yell at me. To me this was unacceptable. It also came to the point where any sexual relations between us ended up with me feeling like a convience to him as he would either roll over and fall asleep or hed get up play his xbox or go upstairs to watch tv. Each time I always had to ask him for a kiss after his sexual need was met for the month or two.

I have always been open with my husband telling him how I was feeling, and how the things that he did made me feel, I tried some of the steps in the 180 method and there were no changes, things only got worse. this is the second time we have seperated, only difference this time is he found out about my online friend and read the conversations he claimed I could have done anything to him but that. I told him that I have told him for the longest time that I have been unhappy and starved for, verbal, physicall and sexual affection from him for years now. He agreed and said that he wasnt happy, he knew I wasnt happy and he knew we were not making each other happy. He wished me to be happy and packed his things and left.

I know I was wrong in getting affection from one who was not my husband - it doesnt matter that he was 8,000 miles away over a continent and and ocean and therefore was not physicaly cheating. But none the less you can not dress it up or give yourself an excuse. The fact is if it is not your spouse and you are getting affection from this other person it is cheating.

I have to live with that. I used some of the ideas in the 180 method and it has lead me to believe it is for the best my husband and I are divorcing. Afterall if you are unhappy, your partner doesnt make you happy and vis versa - that something is wrong. I dont know what made him pull away and treat me with cold indiference, but it honestly doesnt matter any more as I have come to the conclusion - what matters now is that I make myself happy. It shouldn't matter to me anymore what happened in the past and that I should not continually go over it in my head as it is only going to make me more unhappy wondering where it was that he or I took the wrong step.

I hope others find this post useful in some way, shape or form as to understand that you can have a great sexual relationship with your spouse but if your lacking in verbal and non-sexual physical affection things can go wrong very fast which is how things began with my husband and I, until even that went away.

Please understand that there are certain questions you must ask before calling it quits.

Am I happy? Does this relationship make me happy? Does my partner make me happy? Have I truly put forth the effort needed to keep this relationship healthy and loving?

I was happy with myself yes, I was not happy with the relationship, He was no longer making me happy, and I know I put forth all the effort I could over the years to make it work. Looking back and being bluntly honest - he did not - it would get better for a month more often then not only a few weeks then we would have to talk again. This last year alone we had more than 10 talks about his affection twards me and telling him it is unacceptable for any reason to ever get angry or annoyed at the person you say you love for them trying to kiss you or hug you or even touch you. I told him there is no reason good enough in the world to do that. But it continued - worst part was I let it continue. I was always giving him the benifit of the doubt - always giving him yet another chance. I should have ended it 2 years ago but I didn't and I have no one to blame but me for that.

I hope this is of some use to someone out there.

Jellybeans

Your post is contradictory because at first you say "Unlike in so many cases where the wife wants more affection from the husband or vis versa, or even the issue of cheating comming into play no matter how benign it may seem to either party in a marriage. I had all the above."

Then later you say none of that was there.

Either way, good luck in your life and hopefully the divorce isn't too contentous.

Next time don't ignore all the red flags and let resentment build until it reaches a boiling point.

jnj express

Get your D., and then you can do anything you want, with whoever you want---and no one will care

A word of caution---you are leaving yourself way to open getting affectionately involved with someone on the internet

You do not know one thing about him, cept what he wants you to know---and 3 weeks into it you are in love??????

I would hope you would have a little bit more respect for yourself---- be wary----there are a lot of crazies, out there on the internet!!!!!!!

Dandri

woah - woah woah - i never said anything about love with the guy online!

the only thing the guy online knows about my specifics are im in the states - im in a bad marriage - we simply can have deep conversations about the things in life we wish we didnt do or wish we had done and the things we still wish to do - we talk affectionatly but he does not know my real name, my email or number or anything like that im am not nearly that moronic!

although he seems to genuinly care - being bluntly honest - im am too trepidacious at this time to believe such things from any man - im just ending my first marriage to man that made me promises and broke - my husband did push me away emotionaly and physicaly but it no excues to seek verbal affection from another man even if only online in one of the game i play.

**at no time did I Ever, Ever tell this guy I loved him**

jnj express

Your 1st post kind of intimates how you feel about him------Just keep your self together----you seem to know what things are all about---just be very careful----it is very easy to get seduced and taken in, if you are vulnerable------I am on your side---

Dandri

the reason i had conversations with the guy online and spoke affectionatly to him was because I was and still am starved for affection - to feel special in some way to another person.

I dont even recall the last time my husband told i was pretty, I dont even recall the last time my husband initiated a kiss with me.

I was still in the wrong no matter how I was feeling I never should have sought affection from anyone but my husband - and I was the chicken who couldnt end a bad marriage.

My husband would not seek help - he said he could work things out himself - he never had answers - and after a month of trying hed give up if not only a few weeks of trying.

I didnt want to see the signs and its my fault for hurting him that way. This I fully admit.

But in no way shape or form have I deluded myself to think things with a man nearly a 1/4 of the planet away from me can give me what I want - and I am not opening myself up for possible identity theft or worse. so please dont misconstrude my post.