07-14-2011, 11:05 AM
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Washington state
| | Too close to cheating
Hello I'm just posting this thread mainly to vent but also to confess and hopfully show people where things can go soo wrong so fast in a marriage.
My husband of nearly 4 years and together for 6 years and I are seperated, and filing for divorce.
Unlike in so many cases where the wife wants more affection from the husband or vis versa, or even the issue of cheating comming into play no matter how benign it may seem to either party in a marriage. As in the many other posts I have read it is typically one or the other. In my situation I had all the above.
First off it was not my husband that did the almost cheating, it was me. I play a lot of internet games I live in the states and met a guy that lives in the uk. it started as flirting banter 3 weeks ago and has turned into deep sharing of personal issues as well as mutual verbal affection - such as saying hugs u, kisses u, and calling each other hun and babe. No nothing else happened but none the less it is technically cheating even though nothing physical took place. Im not going to drum it down and say I didnt cheat because face it everyone the bottom line is getting affection from someone that is not your partner is cheating.
Having confessed that here, now I get to show my side of the story and what it is I tried to fix things before calling it quits. If people read posts here you will see there is a lot of talk about this 180 method. It is not designed for you to use to leave your spouse. It is a tool to use to help emotionaly stabilize your-self while giving your spouse the opportunity to what it is they will be saying goodbye to if things do not change.
My mariage has been a disaster from the begining looking back at it now I can say that with all honesty, I should have said no. But I didn't I said yes. I can not change that now, it is in the past and we are simply moving on without one another.
you may ask what makes you think that now? Well ladies how many of you purchased you own wedding and engament rings? Now I understand some ladies feel it doesn't matter who buys the rings, let me just explain why this bothers me soo much now looking back at. When my husband proposed he didnt have a ring, that was ok I was in no rush to get a ring we didnt have much money and were going to be moving in with my parents as we didnt have enough money to be on our own. Only thing is we moved in and were not paying any bills to my parents and 4 months later he finally begins to "look" for a ring. Ok fine, great ill get a ring. Only he comes home one week after begining his "search" complaining he doesnt know what to get me. I told him buy whatever he wants its a token from him ill love it no matter what, same thing happens a week later and the week after. So he finally tells me I have to pick it out myself. So we go to the store.
I see they are too expensive and tell him no lets go to the mall and get something less expensive. Went into a shop where he knew I had a charge card for. I pick out a ring that is 443.00 not that expensive nor flashy just a solitare. Go to get it only to have him tell me he has 27.00 in his account and is going to apply for a card. He applys and yup you guessed it he was declined. So me not thinking that it was odd or anything used my own card and got the ring. Least to say he never paid the bill, nor asked me for the bill so he could pay for the ring - or offered to pay for the bill at any time. This also happened for his ring and my wedding band. All of them went on my card and he never paid.
As time went by finances were always a problem which in any relationship is bad enough. My problem wasnt the finaces however it was the affection that was lacking.
After we got married, not but 9-10 months later verbal and sexual affections virtually dissapeared. Some may thing oh you had a baby, NO this is not the case as we have no children nor were there any false alarms either. I considered I was lucky I mean really lucky if we made love once a month. And still even with all the talking, I only ever got "I dont know" or silence from him when I asked if there was something I could do to make him more interested in that aspect of our marriage. Never got answers to the questions even to this day. You may be thinking oh he was seeing someone else - no this is not the case - if he wasnt at work he was at home on xbox or on the couch watching tv. (I know this as he worked for my parents company.)
Two years ago it started getting worse and worse as the months went by to the point where any and all affection was cut off, it was normally regualted to hello kiss and goodbye kiss with once in a while i love u.
I would go to kiss or hug him or touch him in the last 5-6 months and he would get angry, aggitated or annoyed with me and yell at me. To me this was unacceptable. It also came to the point where any sexual relations between us ended up with me feeling like a convience to him as he would either roll over and fall asleep or hed get up play his xbox or go upstairs to watch tv. Each time I always had to ask him for a kiss after his sexual need was met for the month or two.
I have always been open with my husband telling him how I was feeling, and how the things that he did made me feel, I tried some of the steps in the 180 method and there were no changes, things only got worse. this is the second time we have seperated, only difference this time is he found out about my online friend and read the conversations he claimed I could have done anything to him but that. I told him that I have told him for the longest time that I have been unhappy and starved for, verbal, physicall and sexual affection from him for years now. He agreed and said that he wasnt happy, he knew I wasnt happy and he knew we were not making each other happy. He wished me to be happy and packed his things and left.
I know I was wrong in getting affection from one who was not my husband - it doesnt matter that he was 8,000 miles away over a continent and and ocean and therefore was not physicaly cheating. But none the less you can not dress it up or give yourself an excuse. The fact is if it is not your spouse and you are getting affection from this other person it is cheating.
I have to live with that. I used some of the ideas in the 180 method and it has lead me to believe it is for the best my husband and I are divorcing. Afterall if you are unhappy, your partner doesnt make you happy and vis versa - that something is wrong. I dont know what made him pull away and treat me with cold indiference, but it honestly doesnt matter any more as I have come to the conclusion - what matters now is that I make myself happy. It shouldn't matter to me anymore what happened in the past and that I should not continually go over it in my head as it is only going to make me more unhappy wondering where it was that he or I took the wrong step.
I hope others find this post useful in some way, shape or form as to understand that you can have a great sexual relationship with your spouse but if your lacking in verbal and non-sexual physical affection things can go wrong very fast which is how things began with my husband and I, until even that went away.
Please understand that there are certain questions you must ask before calling it quits.
Am I happy? Does this relationship make me happy? Does my partner make me happy? Have I truly put forth the effort needed to keep this relationship healthy and loving?
I was happy with myself yes, I was not happy with the relationship, He was no longer making me happy, and I know I put forth all the effort I could over the years to make it work. Looking back and being bluntly honest - he did not - it would get better for a month more often then not only a few weeks then we would have to talk again. This last year alone we had more than 10 talks about his affection twards me and telling him it is unacceptable for any reason to ever get angry or annoyed at the person you say you love for them trying to kiss you or hug you or even touch you. I told him there is no reason good enough in the world to do that. But it continued - worst part was I let it continue. I was always giving him the benifit of the doubt - always giving him yet another chance. I should have ended it 2 years ago but I didn't and I have no one to blame but me for that.
I hope this is of some use to someone out there.
Last edited by Dandri; 07-14-2011 at 12:17 PM.
Reason: spelling and grammer and adding to post