are they in the beginning of EA?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-15-2011, 10:59 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default are they in the beginning of EA?

Hi everyone. I need some help/advice before I have a breakdown. I will make this as short as I can while trying to fit in all the details. My H and I are "adventurous". We talked about threesomes previously, out of curiosity, and ended up having one several times w/ a great friend of ours. Health issues w/ her husband have ended our involvement w/ her, though she is still a friend. I was amazed @ how much closer H and I were, and loved the new emotional bond. We decided to find another "friend". Hubby met a woman, and right off the bat I had issues. She stayed @ our house almost constantly for a while, which quickly got old. She even worked @ my husband's business to help pay for the cost of her staying w/ us. After a few weeks of her being around, I began to have weird feelings, and was sure something was going on. Between work and then @ home, they were together more than he and I. I took my kids to a local amusement park for an overnight, and sure of my feelings, I planted 2 voice recorders. I was sorry I did. Though they didn't have sex, she did kiss him, and they had very intimate conversations. From my interpretation, she seemed to be developing feelings for him. H and I talked about all of this, and he very sincerely doesn't believe she is. I asked her what this or that comment meant, and she said she was referring to parts of her life, etc. I didn't and don't believe her. I have since got over that indiscretion, and have called off any future "activity", though I have attempted to be friends w/ her. She told both of us she really likes us as friends and wishes to stay friends w/ both of us, hang out, etc. I don't make friends easy as I'm always skeptical of people, so I tried to give it a shot. Last week we were sitting around the fire, having a few beers, relaxing. She got very drunk, and after hubby and I went to bed, she got pissed and left, walking down a very busy road. I was also drunk and couldn't drive, so to ensure she didn't get killed, hubby went to find her and drive her to her familys house. Now, she calls or texts him everyday, several times a day. The next day, nothing. I jokingly asked him what he said to make her mad. He said he told her that getting mad and leaving was BS, and it wouldn't be tolerated, and asked her what made her mad. She told him, and I quote, "She gets to have you every night". Since this comment was made, I haven't attempted to talk to her if she comes over, and last night told H I didn't want her over anymore. I feel she has feelings for him, was only pretending to be my friend to get close to him. I told him I didn't like how much time they spend together, or how she always texts or calls HIM and never me. He said she most definitely has no feelings for him, she's never said she does, and I'm being paranoid. We are now fighting because I threw a fit and told him to end the "friendship", that I wasn't going to allow the opportunity for any possible feelings to develop further. Was I being paranoid? Am I just being jealous? She acts very different when he's around, like she's trying to attract his attention. Wears very short shorts, skin tight clothes, etc. She is a very attractive woman, and I know that the sexual and physical attraction is already there. Am I wrong to demand her gone forever Please help me to know if I am justified. And please try not to judge me. I will answer any questions if there are any. This whole situation may lead to divorce if he pushes the issue of maintaining a friendship with her. I will not tolerate it @ this point. Thank you all so much!
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

Yes, it's an affair. Obviously it's an odd situation since the sex happened right off the bat and out in the open.

You have unusual boundaries with your husband, i.e. sex with other women is OK, but emotions are not. But, they are your boundaries. If he won't respect them, then you need to assert yourself.

Read up on the 180 method. You may need to move toward separation or divorce if he's unwilling to put you above the other woman.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

If you're going to have an open marriage like that (and yes having a play friend is an open marriage) you need to keep the doors of communication wide open as to what the boundaries are and if one partner has any hesitation or issue then it's a no-go, end of story. Personally, I don't think such arrangements work for most people and often are last gasps at keeping a marriage together but I do recognize that such things are fine if both partners consent and agree to clear and concise boundaries.

as far as your last statement-

"This whole situation may lead to divorce if he pushes the issue of maintaining a friendship with her."

you're damn right it will, and make damn sure he knows this- he has to make a choice, you or her. I also recommend ending any group fun until you have established a very solid foundation, if at all.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

It's an EA and with the kissing its a PA as well. You are not paranoid and have every right to demand that he end the "friendship" because of it.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

it is odd @ first glance. Sex is purely physical, and can happen without emotions. I've done it. Lol. When I first told him I felt neglected bcs they spent so much time together, he did make it a priority to show me more attention, especially if she was over. I believe EA's are more destructive to a marriage. And to be clear, they DID NOT have sex together. Thank you for your reply.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

And this is exactly why I would never have a threesome.

You both need to end all contact with her. It's clear she wants on your husband.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

He told her last night that we will not be doing anything--hanging out, talking, nothing--anymore.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:17 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

Also, there were never these issues w/ the other woman. It was actually a really good experience, and I can honestly say I'm glad we did it. We have agreed though to no more adventurous activity. Ever.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

I can't imagine it was a good experience if all this bad came from it.

But hey, only you know.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

The first woman was a good experience. The whole thing was my idea to begin with. It brought my husband and I so close, which I didn't think was possible bcs we were very close at that time. That's why we discussed continuing it once in a while after our friend was unavailable. This new one is a whacko!
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

I have told my hubby that he was in the midst of an EA. Of course he denied it, still does. Says I don't have to worry about him developing feelings for someone else cuz he luvs me, and is in luv w/ me, and doesn't want anyone else. Told him he can't control her feelings/thoughts. Read that most people involved in EA's don't even realize it. Who knows? I thank everyone. I needed some comfirmation and verification from nonjudgmental ppl. Can't talk to my friends about this one.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

Quote:
Originally Posted by am_i_crazy35 View Post
Read that most people involved in EA's don't even realize it.
No. People involved in EAs do know and realize it.

They just deny it.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

Makes sense, especially when the spouse is saying this or that isn't right. I know if my husband says I'm acting one way or another, I look @ my behavior or attitude and try to change it.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
No. People involved in EAs do know and realize it.

They just deny it.

I agree and disagree

Agree that we know and realize it. (I was in one)

Not all of us deny it or lie about it. (I atleast had the decency to fully admit it when he told me he knew and I took all the blame, I told him it was not his fault and even though we had problems I was wrong. But by this time our marriage was already over not sure if I did it to get caught and end the M or if he deliberatly snooped so he could get out. Either way doesn't matter)

**I will say this though before others jump me for saying that**

MOST cheaters WILL lie about the EA or PA. Just I think its a little to broad to say we all lie about it cause I know several people who had similar situations to me that were honest with their spouse about the A.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: are they in the beginning of EA?

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Originally Posted by Dandri View Post
I agree and disagree

Agree that we know and realize it. (I was in one)

Not all of us deny it or lie about it. (I atleast had the decency to fully admit it when he told me he knew and I took all the blame, I told him it was not his fault and even though we had problems I was wrong.
What I meant to say is if someone is an EA, they do know/realize it and if they say it's NOT an EA they are denying it.

Kudos for owning what you did Dandri.
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