Honestly...I'm so done with life. I don't see the point with going on living. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because it would hurt my mom and people close to me too much and I couldn't do that to them. Hence I'm still alive suffering.
I just don't see what is worth living for anymore. I'm jobless. My husband cheated on me with a coworker and is divorcing me. The divorce is finalized in October. He's military by the way.
During the marriage he verbally and emotionally abused me and I kick myself everyday for having allowed that **** to go on at all. It was 4 years of abuse. What the **** was I thinking??? I beat myself up everyday for it and I have had my former therapist as well as my best friend and my mom all say I should have known better. That I was foolish and naive and that how could I allow a man to treat me like that?
This judgement, pointing of the finger and condemnation is making me feel worse and worse. I just don't know why I put up with it. I was soo dumb and I must be really pathetic if all I wanted was love from a **** like him?
He also stole from the military store (sigh) and when I caught him he stopped but apparently he continued to steal but just wouldn't tell me.
He also was watching child porn unbeknown to me. I reported him to the Navy once I learned of this. I reported him for both the cheating and the child porn. The stealing he was too crafty for me to have any viable proof.
Needless to say he is getting kicked out supposedly today. But that also means I loose all my medical, dental and therapy benefits.
I knew this was going to happen in October (that's when divorce is finalized) so I figured I had time to get a back up plan in motion for these things. But I was told my benefits end today. So thus I'm royally mind ****ed.
I can say this Dental is taken care of basically. I have one or two things I still need to do but their not pressing (wisdom teeth and braces). I can do those later on when I'm working and can pay for it.
The things that are the problem is the medical and therapy. I need to see therapist now...I'm having suicidal thoughts but I have no plans to off myself at all. Just feel lifeless, empty and hopeless. I'm deep in despair or I guess you could say depression.
I've called all my resources I can think of to get some help. I called his command. I called the fleet and family support center. I've called old therapist, called Tri West (Healthcare), called Deers, called Military One Source. I even tried calling some random therapists in my local area. Nobody can help me unless I have money which I don't.
I have no job and I can't even go to school because I can't afford it. My emotions are very shaky right now and I'm thinking of just drowning in a bottle of tequila or rum right now. Not to die just guess I'll be an alcoholic because really nobody is helping me or caring.
Even friends can't help they have their own lives. My mom doesn't understand at all. She keeps up this speech of your fine...your better off without him and while that may be true I know I am better off without him...
Still I loved him. For better or for nay. I loved him. And I feel like I lost the love of my life even if he was the worst person for me to be with and was abusive among other things. And I will never get back with him and nor would I have stayed with him...
I just feel so empty. Shopping for things has no meaning for me. Watching movies...playing video games...it all means nothing to me.
I try to read, I try to use my coping skills but it just feels like nothing means anything to me anymore. Like I'm dead already and my body is just walking around.
I don't feel numb quite the contrary I feel everything. My emotions are a high spike right now and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind that I can't escape.
Is this how depression/broken heartedness feels like?
I know how depression feels like...I felt it when my dad passed away in 2008. But this feels different. It feels like being a whirlwind of emotions and I feel like there is no real meaning or purpose to my life.
I am truly sorry for your pain and have pondered your question myself. The reasons I came up with going forward are; tomorrow is always a new day, never give in to the bad people and life is so short to begin with there is no need to rush to the finish line. It is over before we know it.
hey don't think that way. i know most people are gonna sound like a public service announcement telling you not to do it, but you have to realize that you are a precious person. i got cheated on myself and felt like **** because my whole world revolved arounfd her. i didn't realize that i needed to make a life of my own to see how valuable i really am. you're in a rut right now and it feels like the end of the world. believe me i know. i was always socially awkward and didn't have many friends except my girlfriend. i thought my life was a big piece of **** with nothing to live for also. lokk at me now. i've made new friends, work-out, and eventually landed an o.k. job. i'm planning on going to school soon to better my chances out there. it took me about 2 years to get where i'm at. it's not easy. there's gonna be bumps in the road, but you can come back from this. believe me. you can.
Easy girl, think about all the exciting an new things you haven't experienced.
This is going to get better, trust me. when I found out about the 20 men my cheating wife slept with over the last 13 years of marriage. it also tore me up, but I'm getting through this and i will not let weak and stupid peolpe define who I am.
It will get better, I have been through infidelity and it is tough but the good news is he is helping you to move on to better things.
soon you will think of it as a favor, and when you are out exploring a new life you will thank him.
Trust me I have been through it and I will not give my cheating wife the saticfaction of beating me.
The best revenge is the smile I have on my face and the confidence that I can move on and better my self....no longer letting someone bring the worste out in me.
moonshade: Drinking is NOT going to help you. Alcohol is a depressant, it will make it worse. If you have a drinking problem, the biggest favor you can do for yourself is AA. There you will get the support you need from people who completely, I mean completely, understand. You will never, ever be alone again. You will be keeping the focus on yourself with the help of people that really care.
Or if you don't have a problem with alcohol, get into IC. There are sliding scale options and free group therapy.
You CAN go back to school. Plenty of grants out there to help you. You just need to start the footwork.
You can do this and move on with your life.
Don't bother with killing yourself, you are robbing yourself of a happy life by not giving yourself a chance. Go through the pain (we all have on this sight or we are in the middle of it), you will grow and learn about yourself and what makes you tick. I contemplated driving into a truck (but thought about hurting the other innocent person driving the truck) then a canal. But you know, the person that I was in pain about was not worth my life; dead of alive.
I am going to live and you ought to decide that you are worth more than what you are saying at this point.
Think of his character. There is alot of nastiness in his character, truthfully. What if you had children, wouldn't you be wondering? You have no trust in this person, yet you would end your life over this unworthy person?
Get help. Keep sharing, get a support group, IC and start your path to recovery. YOU CAN DO THIS!
When I felt like that I had a lot of anger I needed to get out, physically. I used a shovel inside an old wooden garage and banged and yelled away. We are very rural so no harm done.
After that I started doing things that required moments of complete concentration, such as archery, ballroom dance, indoor rock climbing...
If there is a community center or Y near where you live, try to volunteer so you can get out.
When the therapist and your mom and whomever else tell you that you should have known better and ask you how you could have allowed that, thank them for their insight and tell them you aren't going to accept their assessment of where YOU should have been at that stage of your life, and that you aren't going to accept THEIR criticism, because it is unhelpful and therefore abusive, like kicking you when you're down. If they want to help, they need to be forward thinking.
Right, like I believe these people giving you hind-sight advice and blaming you were never in the same predicament, ever. Sounds to me like they're hiding something and aren't being honest with themselves. The way they're treating you it sounds like they are afraid to get close to your pain, kind of like it's too close to home. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I were you, I'd dig a little deeper into that, maybe ask them for examples of how they could see something like that coming and what they did about it... they can't be that clueless. It's good you can't afford therapy. With a therapist like that.
Dust yourself off. Some people are mean. If you stay on the ground, other people will kick you. The fact that this happened to you tells me that you are a good, trusting, optimistic, helpful, person. You gave your H a lot of chances. You were willing to go the distance for him, despite knowing that he had obvious challenges you loved him and were patient. He did not want to accept all of that, he resented you for being you and because he knew that he was transparent to you. Your helpfulness and caring exposed him and he couldn't stand it, he lost control of the situation and moved on to a new person he could start a whole new cycle with, someone who doesn't see the real him because he doesn't want to see it either.
When people treat you badly, try to understand it is not because you are a bad person, it is because by accepting their abuse or mistreatment and still being kind to them, you become a mirror, and they don't like what they see.
Find people who are more aware of themselves. You can usually tell by body positioning and movement who these people are, they are relaxed, they smile, they are open but they also maintain a steady personal body space. They don't mumble and they look at you when they're talking to you, even over the most trivial matter. They might introduce you to other people or share their interests with you just out of interest, not for any underlying purpose. Spend more time with these kinds of people.
In case you're wondering, yes, therapist, your close family and your H can all be negative people to be around. Don't think because it's all numbers and you're the odd one out that something is definitely wrong with you. Close relationships including therapist are most difficult...spend time with people who are further away from you personally. Your perspective of life and living might shift a bit.
Thanks for all the insight and advice. I'll admit I cheered up for a few days but then today I just found out I have no car insurance because he just took me off. I also have a serious bacterial infection and went to the doctor today only to be turned away because I have no health insurance anymore. Needless to say I was having intense waves of suicidal thoughts. My thoughts were spinning out and I was doing the "what ifs" thing.
After reading you responses...I'm not going to do anything. I won't end it all just because of one human being. I'm just having a really really hard time coping with all of this.
I've decided its not so much him that I miss...I feel like I lost everything. I lost my life as a Navy wife, lost my job, lost medical benefits, therapy (though that therapist was a terrible one), and I lost that feeling of independence. Now I'm dependent on my mother for support and she is barely scraping by.
Its frustrating, lonely and I miss my dad more than ever now.
And thanks Homemaker-Numero_Uno your suggestions means a lot and your viewpoints. I didn't consider that maybe the reason my mom is criticizing how I should have known better could point at her past perhaps.
I know she was never happy in her marriage and I remember seeing my parents fight when I was kid all the time. It was painful to watch and I remember crying in my room a lot, wishing they would stop arguing. It wasn't just arguing though, my dad use to throw things and my mom would scream so loud it hurt the ears. They never hit each other but there was definitely unhealthy arguing.
@ justsam Thanks very much. I guess I was just shy to show my face. Made me smile at your comment it was sweet.
@Sparkles 422 I agree drinking shouldn't be a solution...I just really need to get on anti-depression meds I think but since I can't afford that I'm in a bind. I've tried free mental health clinics but they all charge and I have no money. Its just frustrating. I guess I just want to kill the emotional pain because at least that's better than these suicidal thoughts.
I know its not something I would ever consider normally nor want to do. I just don't know what else to do. I'll look into AA meetings maybe I might need it or can get direction on where to go idk.
@ morituri I concur.
@ the guy - My god that's gross of her! And to do that to you is just disgusting. I don't get why people get married if all they want is to sleep around then why marry? At least do people a favor of not committing when obviously people like her can't commit. I'm sorry to hear. I discovered about a few more girls my ex was sleeping with just recently...
I feel like the core of my being has been "raped" or at least "robbed" of all that intimate vital essence that I only allowed him to see. I feel angry now at my ex instead of wanting to off myself.
I hope one day I can get to the place where I can say I appreciate the learning experience but for now I just keep hoping I'll make it to the next day.
I feel like the core of my being has been "raped" or at least "robbed" of all that intimate vital essence that I only allowed him to see. I feel angry now at my ex instead of wanting to off myself.
Don't ever define yourself by your relationships or by a partner.
It will take time to get over the heartbreak and reality of what you are going through.
Get out in the sunlight, find a hobby, meet up with good friends, go to a store and when the salesperson asks how you are doing today start laughing maniacally. It will throw them for a loop and give you a good/and funny laugh.
I haven't been on here for a little bit, but I had to chime in. Moon, you are a special person. All of us here have been utterly devastated by the act of infidelity in some way or another. What you have to remember is that you were your own person before meeting this moron. You became dependent on him, and on his false love for you. Now, you need to pick-up the pieces and start living for YOU. This is probably going to be the toughest fight you will EVER endure, but with time and patience you'll see it through. This is not going to fix itself tommorrow, next month, next year, or even a few years from now. This is going to be a constant rebuilding process, which will ultimately make you a better person. I know it sounds like a bunch of BS, but its true. You seem like a very smart girl because you realized something that I myself didn't till I read your post.
I guess I just want to kill the emotional pain.
This quote hit me to the core. It resonates with me, and it always will. The funny thing is that we have no control over this total human feeling. Don't we all wish we could just flick a switch, and all the pain would just go away. It just doesnt work that way, though. You'll make girlfriend.
I know the feeling... I've never understood how someone could just end it all until this all happened. A few months back my wife went against my wishes and took a job that I didn't want her to take because we would never get to see each other and I wanted so bad to work on our relationship and I didn't understand how she could put that above our relationship when she knew that what I needed at the time was her by my side to work it out.
Needless to say I had a lot of lonely nights for a long time. I started to drink a bit more than usual and my thoughts would run wild all the time because all I had was my thoughts. I would have anxiety attacks quite frequently, sometimes multiple a day so I would take my Xanax. One night I was in a really bad place and couldn't see a reason to carry on.
I sat there all alone in my dark empty house and put a pistol to my head. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt other people that really cared about me. I know what it's like to be the person that cares. My mom tried to kill herself multiple times when I was 18 and my sister tried to kill herself as well. I found a friend with a stomach full of pills and had to rush him to the hospital.
A friend of mine and my W killed himself at the beginning of July 2010. I see the way it has impacted every ones lives around us and I wonder how things would be if he had not commit suicide. After he died I befriend his best friend, who later on became one of the people my wife had an EA with.
I hate the way I am now. I hate myself. I hate my life. It's pretty sad when the only thing that’s really going good in life is your work life, but even that isn't going that great because my personal life has affected my work life.
I know people care about me, but sometimes I don't really feel like anyone does. But I could never put anyone through the pain I went through with my friends’ suicide and my other friend and families attempts.
When I start to feel down and the thought even crosses my mind, I think about things like who would find me, and the reaction from the person that did. I also think about the people that I know would be at my funeral. I put myself in the situation as if I was at my own funeral and it reminds me that there are a lot of people that care about me who would be devastated. It's impossible not to cry thinking about it.
To anyone that thinks about “ending it all”, I want you to know that people care about you. Your life is important to people in this world. I am grateful for you. I am grateful for your advice and the compassion and support that you have shown me as well as others on this forum. You have helped others in their time of need; you have brightened their lives and enlightened them. Thank you.
“I hope that the world turns and things get better. But I hope most of all that you understand that even though I will never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.” -V for Vendetta
Your life has totally changed very quickly and that is overwhelming. I, too, have had that despair. I've had a cold hard metallic taste on the roof of my mouth. The effect on my kids was what made me never even touch the trigger. Something I read on here, I believe, helped me tremendously.
Do something that you have always wanted to do. Be a little crazy. I forgot the exact things they said. Start a completely new life. Leave the past behind. Once you get to that point of total, utter, complete despair, just start over. I don't know what you like to do, but surely there is something. I agree with the other poster. You are cute. I'm sure there are plenty of guys around ready and willing to take you out and have a good time.
Post on here. My advice is usually worth exactly what you pay for it, nothing. However, there are many wise people here. Most, if not all of us, have been through infidelity. Some of us have had those horrible thoughts. There should be a suicide prevention hotline where you live. Write the number down and carry it with you at all times. I did.
The sun will come up tomorrow. Maybe you can get up early (or party all night) and watch the sunrise. Watch a sunset. Anyway, sorry to ramble. I hate it for you that you are having those thoughts. I understand. I hope you feel better soon.