Sorry in advance but typing it all out helps with the anger,
It was a Monday night on 6-20 when the wife came home from work and seemed a bit tired, I told her if she wanted to, go lie down for a bit and I will get started on dinner. I had noticed over the past couple months that she wasn't leaving her iphone on the charger in our kitchen next to mine. I decided it was time to find it.....let me give you some background.
We have been married for 18 years together 20 and have two great children, a 12 and 13 year old. People would usually measure there relationship strength next to us. We were THAT couple that had such a strong relationship and were so deeply in love. My wife is a very successful business women. We have spent the last 15 years both working on her career success so that meant I would stay home with a sick child or pick them up from school with the sore throat so that she could focus on her work. I'm an auto mechanic by trade and the scheduling in my field has always been lacked enough to allow me the time needed to tend to our kids. If she needed to go out of town on business, I was the one staying behind, tending to the house, kids, dogs ect. Making dinner most nights, helping kids with homework, the usual stuff. All things a spouse would do. She just turned 40 last year and is now the senior director at her company with a VP position being the next step. With all this being said, she is obviously the bread winner in our house which to me was the happiest problem any husband could have. I make maybe 35-40k where as she is at closer to 130-40K. We even made sure that all our retirement moneys went maxed into her 401k thru her work for the matching aspect.
Over the past year, after her 40th birthday party (sept), I noticed she was becoming alittle withdrawn. I chalked it up to hitting the big 40 and work dragging on her. I tried to re-assure her that she will be alright, that things will work themselves out. Since then, she received two promotions at work to her current position. Her direct supervision had taken her under his wing and was helping guide her in the promotions. I even sat down with him along with the wife and other coworkers of hers and thanked him over a beer for being my wifes “support” at her company and without having someone in your corner, hitting the levels shes at can be difficult.
Now into 2011, she has become even more withdrawn and has now started to resent my current hobbies. Over lunch in April, she told me that she thought that SHE need help and was unsure who she was anymore. She also told me that she feels second to my hobby (leatherworking and steampunk -google it if you don't know what it is). I told her I would back off on these things and focus more on her. At this point I think it was too late. Red flag had officially gone up. My reaction as she withdrew was also to withdraw. I thought “if your not going to put in the effort why should I?” Don't get me wrong, we still had great times during these last few months and at no point had our sex life suffer. I accepted the fact that our relationship had just hit a valley and it would soon be back on an upswing.
Back to D.D. 6-20-11
I found her iphone on a wallcharger in her office. I picked it up and saw the last text on the screen from her boss saying “I am your love and you are mine, I'm so happy we can reminisce about our short time together”. I was in shock. I dropped the phone, walked past the bedroom where she was napping and went downstairs where are kids were watching tv and sat in my office is disbelief. After about 20 minutes I had convinced myself that it was a joke so I went back to her phone, picked it up and opened up the text page. All of the text from this man have been deleted but this one came in after she got home so she didn't have time. As I was holding the phone another text came in from him “, maybe we could honeymoon in Poland?”
At this point, I walked into our bed, phone in hand, and softly called her name. When she woke I said, when you have a clear head, we need to talk? She took a second or two and sat up. I took out her phone and showed her the text and asked “what is this?” First response, “what are you doing with my phone?” and next was “I'm sorry?” with a ? mark at the end. We spent the rest of the first night talking back and forth saying all the typical things one might say in this situation, how many times, for how long, how could you jeopardize your marriage, family and career. We decided then that we would seek a therapist. We also decided that she needed to end it with OM both of which she did (or so I thought) the next morning.
Her boss is from another country and is here in the US with his wife and three kids on a temporary work program. He was suppose to return early this year but had his time here extended to next year. I told her I needed him to leave now and go back to …....... She said after they broke it off that he would work on getting an internal transfer and that she would have to talk with him anymore. I found out a week later from an email I saw that he was “missing her terribly and couldn't wait to hold her again in his Tahoe” I called her out on it again and she apologized...again... stating that she had broken it off but he was still being persistent. She told me she would hard core end it the following morning. I asked her to record the break up with her iphone and she agreed (I never listened to it and has since been deleted)
At our first group therapy session, I was asked what I wanted to do and I said i'm in for fixing the relationship and would like to rebuild what we had even though I know it would never be the same. When she was asked “I don't know, my head is such a mess, I don't know” At which time it was decided that in order for us both to work out our personal problems, one of us would have to leave. So guess who's living in an economy studio 10 minutes from his own house. You guessed it.
Facts. E.A. 6 months
P.A. 2 months with roughly 5 encounters
All this is based on what she has said to me. As of now i'm currently unable to access our att account and view phone recorded as “all that will do is cause more damaged to you”.
she had no respect for the 20 years, don't speak to your wife, record all evidence and hire at attorney, you would keep your kids and she will pay child support.
she broke it all after she said she does not know what she want and her head is a mess, which means she does not want to work on the relationship.
My heart goes out to you. My own whirlwind tour of EA on stbxh's part ends 7/19 in divorce court. Took 4 months to get here.
Told me he hadn't liked or loved me for 18 months but actions didn't match what he said and he couldn't explain all the gifts and his words. He said he didn't know.
There is not much you can do if the other person doesn't know what they are doing or how they are feeling because they are in denial.
Get ready for the ride of your life but I think it ends with a huge amount of self growth. Living through the pain, dealing with the issues without running away from them will make you whole and ready for the next phase in your life. Who knows you may reconcile...
I wish you the best and keep posting. It does help. Every little thing that you share helps you.
The fact that she won't allow you access to her phone means she is still involved and you can't save a marriage when she is still with him.
It's been said time and time again here and on other infidelity message boards that the following has to occur before you can reconcile-
1) No contact with the OM/OW
2) WS must allow BS spouse access to everything including passwords, emails, etc. IOW, the WS privacy is null and void
3) WS must answer any and all questions on details of the affair repeatedly
4) once the affair is addressed then you can work on your marital problems that led up to the affair
without compliance and contrition of your wife to stop the affair and be completely open you have NO shot at keeping your marriage together in a healthy manner (unless you are happy with her cheating). Thus most of believe you need to spell out what needs to be done or else you will file/separate/kick her out/leave etc.
You have been the primary caregiver of your children, if anyone should leave it should be her, courts take moving out as abandonment and she could be awarded physical custody of the kids and you hit with child support. Lawyer up now.
Have you reported the relationship to the company HR department? Him being her immediate supervisor puts this into very serious territory and it's likely they have a company policy about senior level employees, especially ones in supervisor roles having relationships like this.
She'll be angry etc. but right now she's continuing to see him each day and you've been kicked out of your own home. They've had no consequences, while you've lost your home and family.
This could well get the company to send him back to where he came from ASAP. Which would really help stop physical contact.
Have you told the other guys wife? To bring pressure from that side?
Why are you the one who moved out?
Have you visited an attorney yet?
Have you found out it you would be able to sue the company for allowing this to happen between senior level employees? I'm assuming he's a VP if he's above her. Remember VP's etc are executives and they have to play by different conduct rules and regular employees. Use that to your advantage.
You started off strong in dealing with this, but you've slowed down and allowed her to take charge of how it's gonna go. She's not going to respect you or treat you right if you let her do that. She is the one who cheated, she is the one who needs to get busy fixing what she destroyed.
@Mort - I am working on some seperation papers and am also going work out a week rotation at the house with kids. your right, its not fair that im the one out and I think she needs to also feel the penalty of sleep in this shanty.
@Shaggy - I havent reported this yet to the HR. That bridge is still a ways down the road. I was told that he put in for a transfer but since then, our therapist has stopped us from communicating on anything other then day to day stuff. It was decided (though I felt railroaded) that wife should be the one at the house but the more I think about it, to hell with that. If anything we share our time at the house. I have not told his wife and the only thing stopping me is putting his wife and kids thru the same hell that ive been forced to live in. Not to say it isnt coming but I havent pulled that trigger yet. Also, yes he is a VP so it would be interesting to see how that plays out.
We have a group therapy session tomorrow and I plan on covering the following:
Joint time at the house with kids
Access to the ATT account so I can start making decisions based on facts
Seperation papers
Also I plan on making an appt with laywer and getting some legal advice
The way you talk about it, it sounds like the therapist is working for your wife more than the marriage. The therapists suggestions sound more like a restraining order on you than therapy for dealing with your wife's affair and ending it.
Are you sure this is the therapist for you? Not all of them know what they are doing, or are a good fit for every situation.
While I do think you need to get back into your house, I don't recommend your wife leaving. That will only give her more free time to hook up with the OM.
You seem to be operating on the believe that she really has ended it with him. Yet, she has blocked you from seeing the phone bill, given you even less transparency than before your discovery.
It sounds like the affair is still going on and you've been very effectively removed from the picture.
@Shaggy - I havent reported this yet to the HR. That bridge is still a ways down the road. I was told that he put in for a transfer but since then, our therapist has stopped us from communicating on anything other then day to day stuff. It was decided (though I felt railroaded) that wife should be the one at the house but the more I think about it, to hell with that. If anything we share our time at the house. I have not told his wife and the only thing stopping me is putting his wife and kids thru the same hell that ive been forced to live in. Not to say it isnt coming but I havent pulled that trigger yet. Also, yes he is a VP so it would be interesting to see how that plays out.
On telling OM's Wife. Nobody wants to put someone else through hell, but would you want to know? Having OMW know also puts additional pressure on the affair to stop completely with no contact at all. Only when that is done can your Wife have any clear idea of what she wants. Everything she is deciding now is within the fog of choice.
The wife deserves to know what kind of man she married to. The hell she will go through will be even worse after more years wasted being married to this man.
Right now there are 3 people in your marriage. You do not have a marriage and at this point there is no moving foward.
You need to tell this mans wife and the company. She is blowing smoke up your ass because she does not respect you and thinks she can keep on cake eating.
Next, move home.
You need to come to a conclusion about what you want. If you want to attempt recon, you need to be more aggreasive with the suggestions you have been given.
go back home, guy. she should be the one to leave, if anyhting. some therapists aren't always right. you also need to expose this to thier job and his wife. don't wait. act now in order to kill this affair. the more time you waste conemplating, the more time they have to plot their little trysts.
Separation will only allow her to continue with the affair but without feeling guilty because she will take the separation as not being married to you.
So screw the separation and simply go the route of divorce because I can tell you that once the two of you are legally separated, she will resume the affair with him, count on it.
I often tell people to read the link to the thread titled 'Just Let Them Go' but feel that I am wasting my time or that they are too lazy in clicking on the link, so this time I will quote it below:
Quote:
Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.
The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.
Let them go.
Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
But cheating, no excuses.
Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Thanks for all the advice and tomorrows group session should be a doozy. All things will depend on how it goes. I do have all plans of telling OMW but at this point I think I will hold of on her job. She is the main money maker and for my kids, thats still important. Not saying I wont in the future.
@Morituri...Just let them go was an eye opener for me. I could see that speech getting used tomorrow with some minor changes to make it a touch more personal.
DD 6-20-2011 struggling with everyday 
