Ok...my husband and I were engaged when I started working with the OM and we were just work friends. After I was already married the EA began and I cut ties with it when I became pregnant. Let me clarify that my H and I had sex for that reason. So for my entire pregnancy and first 2 years of my sons life, I have not had the EA with the OM.
My H met him maybe a handful of times at work functions. And he knew that we not only worked together, but were good friends so it was ok that i went to lunch with him, but he did not hang out with OM and was not friends with OM. The almost kiss happened one day during work lunch so no, my H was not there. H is completely unaware that any of this has ever taken place or is taking place now. When we went to counseling, we pretty much only discussed the issue of him not wanting to have sex with me because that's the only issue we had and in my eyes is the only reason I have this EA. If he did fulfill me sexually, I wouldn't have a stray eye. Other than that, we get along great and have no other issues.
I hope this clarifies things.
Yes, that clears things up. I must say your marriage got off to a rocky start. It sounds like your EA began within a year of your marriage, and the OM was apparently waiting in the wings even before your wedding. I know women like to think they can be "just friends" with men, but to us guys, if we say we're willing to be just friends, what we really mean is that we're willing to wait until we see a crack in your relationship so we can exploit it and make our move. Obviously, that strategy is working out OK for your OM.
I wouldn't be so sure your husband is unaware of the EA. He may not know specifically who you're having it with, or what exactly you're doing, but I can't believe he hasn't picked up on something. You say he knew about your lunch date with the OM, so he probably expected to hear about it afterward. That must have been awkward; it sounds like you left out what a lot of guys would think was the most significant part of it! I wonder if your husband could tell that you were holding something back.
It's not surprising that your attempt at counseling was a failure. You may have thought you were trying, but if you were serious, at some point you should have said something like, "Oh, yeah . . . I had an EA going on with a guy from work the first year of our marriage. Do you think that might have affected our intimacy at all?" (If you felt uncomfortable saying that in front of your husband, you could have asked to speak to the counselor in private.)
You sound as if you're devoted to your son and family, so there's hope for you, but I can't see your situation improving until you get rid of the OM. That should be easy enough, especially if he doesn't live nearby. You probably feel that you tried as much as you could with your husband, and that you were at your wit's end before the EA started, but who's to say that things wouldn't have worked out if you had just tried a bit harder? And I'm sure you would have, too, if the OM wasn't right there to "help you out."
Once you've gotten rid of the OM, you should have more time on your hands and more motivation to improve things with your husband. I'd recommend reading "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis. Couples can read through this book together if they want to, but if the low-drive spouse is uninterested in the book, or too embarrased to discuss it, there's still enough in the book to help you out. One of the author's main points is that if one person in a marriage changes, the marriage changes, so there's hope for you even if your husband isn't trying. Which I think he would, especially if he knew the alternative was you having an EA with some creep from work.