howcouldshe

She has said that I should not confront the OM fiance, saying we dont know her and that is the OM and Fiances issue to work out if he tells her. I can see that but on the same note as one that was betrayed, I would never want anyone else to have to feel that way and she is going to marry him and some point. Also in my mind it will be nice to put his life in a tailspin as mine has been.....is that sick and twisted or normal......My feeling is she is trying to protect him for what ever sick reason, even though she says he was never an optiion and they dont even talk anymore.

About 4 weeks after I became aware of the PA I confronted him when I saw him at the supermarket, he played dumb and told me he did not know anything about what I was talking about.

When I got home I told my wife that I saw him and confronted him. She was angry at me for doing that and also told me she felt bad for him as he would have no one to talk to that night about me confronting him.,......

I later find a text that she sent him that said "sorry about that tonight" speaking to my actions of talking to him.

The text that she sent him after we both said we were not going to talk to him sends a pretty clear message to me.......

For what its worth he did not reply to her.........

For the most part she wants to sweep the whole PA under the rug and thinks we need to move on, that to me is a red flag that there is more that she does not want me to know about or she feels that will make it better. I can tell you this is not something on my end that is being swept under the rug it will be discussed and she will have to make some changes and be very transparent if she wants things to work, she will also have to be full discloure as far as where she is and what she is doing.

On a final note she walks/runs several times a week. I know for a fact that she passes his Apt on these trips as it is part of the way she goes, in light of everything I would think that she would want to avoid his place to show good faith that she is not being tempted in any way......if it was me that had the afair I would on PURPOSE choose another route and let my spouse know this..........

Thoughts and as always
Thanks
'
On another note if you want a upbeat song that hits home how you need to deal with these issues check this out. Just listen to the words, does not matter if you are a man or woman
Lasgo -Lost http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q13NpY6BPI4&feature=fvst

2xloser

You say the right things here with the right attitude coming through, which is good...but it doesn't sound like you've made it crystal clear to her about (1) NC means NC, period; (2) she doesn't get to tell you how to handle ANYTHING, especially as it relates to the OM. As far as she is concerned, he is dead to her. If she wants to 'protect' him and worry more about how he feels than how you feel, it kinda spells out exactly where she stands now, doesn't it? (3) As far as running by his apartment, and anythign else that makes you uncomfortable, she either will adhere to your wishes (if you've told her), or she won't. If she continues to want to rug-sweep (or continue further underground, which it sure sounds like here), then your answer is clear.

You confronting him and her then going off and apologizing to him for it would be a huge deal-breaker for me in any attempts at R, assuming you've established a clear NC rule, but it doesn't sound like you were 100% clear with her. It's time to be. Crystal.

He didn't respond to her text because he's afraid; he knows there are consequences based on your little chat. She, on the other hand, doesn't feel there ARE any consequences........

Almostrecovered

She's protecting the affair and the OM, even if she isn't still involved with him.

The OM's fiance has a right to know who she is marrying. If you do tell her, be sure to have your proof ready (the best way to tell her is to inform her of the affair and tell her you can provide details if she chooses to see it).

PHTlump

There could be many reasons she doesn't want the OM's fiance to know. The affair may be continuing underground and she doesn't want the other camp to discover it. The affair may not be continuing, but she just doesn't want to cause trouble for the other man due to lingering feelings for him. Also, your wife may just be embarrassed. If the OM's fiance knows, she may shout about it from the roof tops, or even Facebook.

However, you do need to expose the affair to the fiance. It's not too late for her to walk away. Not exposing is like seeing someone driving toward a cliff and not trying to warn them.

And your wife needs to change her route. Definitely.

jnj express

You need to tell the druggie's fiance---she is about to marry a cheater, and will be cheated on immediately----give her a break, she needs to know what she is getting into, maybe you can save her, a lifetime of misery, do not tell your wife you are telling her---it isn't her concern!!!!!!

As to your wife---why is she even allowed to discuss what the future of your mge. will be---this is YOUR BALLGAME, PLAYED BY YOUR RULES---she gets no input------she has cheated on you with 2 different guys, put your own children in harms way, put your home at risk, why is even still around???????

Lon

Agreed with others, the OM's fiance deserves the truth. Your W is still protecting the OM. Sorry to say, your W is not in the marriage, you will have to end it or else she has to make these changes immediately.

Jellybeans

The only reason she doesn't want you to tell is because she realizes that will truly be the end of her affair.

Why?

Because affairs thrive in secrecy. Once you expose the affair, it isn't a secret anymore. By you keeping the secret, you are enabling the affair.

I would advise you to tell the fiance as soon as possible. And do it without giving your wife or OM a heads up first.

Amazing. She cared more about his feelings than your own. And yes, she is trying to protect him (and the affair).

F-102

Agreed-she's mad because now she has to take her tryst underground and cover her tracks and watch that she doesn't leave an evidence trail.

__________________
"All of us get lost in the darkness...
...Dreamers learn to steer by the stars"

RestlessInGeorgia

Wow, that's all I can say. I've been in your shoes my friend. My wife had a couple of EA's where she was protecting the OM. I told her I confronted him, she told me I better apologize or she was going to leave me, and like a pu$$y, I did. Big Mistake. When I found out about her PA, I wasn't acting like a pu$$y anymore. I was firm with her and told her what she had to do and never budged. I told her if she couldn't do what I asked her to, then she would have to leave and we would get a divorce.

Stand your ground and tell the OM's fiancee. She has a right to know just like you did. Your wife cares nothing for you or your feelings, or she wouldn't give one hoot over his feelings after you confronted him. Blow them both out of the water. If your wife leaves you, then you are better off. This is not opinion, it's fact. You are better off alone, than with someone who claims they love you, then treats you this way. Man-Up my friend. Good Luck, we're all rooting for you here.

F-102

Agree with RIG-you, and the kids, would most likely be better off without her.

__________________
"All of us get lost in the darkness...
...Dreamers learn to steer by the stars"

Jellybeans

Runs like Dog

Once another man ejaculates in or on you, you lose all rights and credibility to manage or supervise your partner's behavior. Sorry, that's pretty much a rule.

__________________
fight back

howcouldshe

Tell me what you think of this, I am going to get my paperwork in order and then once that is straight in a week or so I am then going to drop the news to his fiance......

I am a very stong person in life in general and I cannot thank all of you enough for the support and advise, this is an awsome website and you guys are helping me more than you know.

Jellybeans

I think you should do what is best fro you but I definitely think you need to tell OM's fiancee stat.

howcouldshe

The fiance will know I just have to get a few things taken care of first, right now I am in the drivers seat and I am trying to get everything lined up so it all comes together at the right time.

As you can imagine I have lost everything for lack of a better word, the least that I can do is protect someone who I dont even know what what I know someone else has done.
if you saw a kid run in the street and a car coming you would get the kid or stop the car, same applies here.


This whole fourm has really helped me see the light and I appreciate it.