She says (Cheating Wife) that " No One Would Blame me (Husband) if I left"
So long and the short my W had a PA for several months earlier this year.
When I became aware of it she has stated several times that
" no one would blame me if I left" She has also stated this when we argue that is I am not happy with how she is dealing with things or addressing them that " I should just leave".
I almost think she is testing me to see if I will leave to see if I am really commited to being with her to work things out.
I have already told her that I will not leave, I bought this house before we were married and she is the one that make the final step in creating this situation. We may not have had a perfect marriage but who has, but she is the one that sought the affair and made that grown up choice to have an A
And I think in her own mind she is still justifying that what she did was ok. or atleast that is the front she puts on.
I think she is also hurt that the guy she had the A with will no answer her calls or texts.........
So does anyone have any insight as to why she is so supportive of me leaving or that it is okay if I do leave.......
Is she saying "No one would blame you if you left" because that would imply that she acknowledges what she did was wrong and may be a sign of possible remorse. But if she is actually saying "No One Would Blame me if I left" then it means that people would view her having an affair because you were a horrible husband. She is deflecting blame to you which means that you have an unremorseful woman posing as your wife - a fraud.
Tell her, "Well, since no one would blame you, the door is right over there. You have a choice, we work this out or you can hit the road."
Tell her no more contact (or attempted contact) as of right now and that you demand full transparency and access to all of her phone, email, FB, etc accounts.
if she won't agree, she her out.
Be tough, she's the one that messed up, not you.
Wow, that's all I can say. I can't believe she would say that to you and then expect you to forgive her and move on with the marriage. I would have helped her pack her things at that point and put them in her car. Kick her out. She doesn't seem to care about you or the marriage. Besides, kicking her out may be the jolt she needs to get out of the obvious fog she's in. Tell her that you found out the OM doesn't live with his fiancee anymore and that she can go stay with him, since the fiancee supposedly kicked him out. You hold all the cards here, start playing them. Kick her out and by all means don't support her financially. Basically, remove yourself from her life and let her see what her life is going to be like without you. I would also make her family and friends aware of what she's done, so that she doesn't make you look like the @$$ here. If she doesn't leave of her own free will, make sure you can be at the house when she is not there and change the locks, so she can't get back in. If she decides to be really nasty and start destroying property, call the cops. Best of luck my friend, you're going to need it.
Thanks everyone for the feedback,
So a few things that i forgot to add, from the best of my knowledge I cannot just "kick her out" of the house. But I could be wrong. At the present time lets just say I am exploring those options.....
One other issue is we have kids so I am trying to make this as easy as I can on them as well, they are young and I dont think they know much if anything about what is going on. The kids make this one especially messy.
Almost everyone on her side of the family knows what she did, and some of them have said they hope I am doing okay and what not but again, from what I see no one seems to have any real disapointment or upset in her actions, maybe they are not showing them and just trying to be supportive.
What about taking a copy of the police report to child protective services to get feedback as to whether her actions in the matter constituted child endangerment? It couldn't hurt.
You may be right about not being able to kick her out. I think the only way that can really happen is if you guys divorce. The best you can hope for is to make her life there as miserable as possible so that she decides to leave of her own free will, not by verbal or physical abuse though. Just be sure this is what you want to happen because once you start down that road, you've pretty much decided that divorce is the best option.
You can remove yourself from any joint accounts and open accounts in your name only. If you remove money from the joint account, make sure it is only half because she's entitled to half of the money in those accounts by law. You can let her live primarily off of her own means instead of both of your means. I would cut off anything in the house that is not essential to living, such as cable, internet, her cell phone if your name is on it. Cancel any joint credit accounts. If you can, make sure you buy food as you need it. If you can get away with it, buy the kids meals on a day-to-day basis. If she takes care of them most of the day, then the food option may not be feasible. As far as she's concerned, don't act as if you care about her at all, even if you love her with all your heart. Implement the 180 that is highly recommended on this site. If you search you can find it. I'm not saying do any or all of these things. They are just ideas for you to think about. She's not interested in making life any better for you, you shouldn't be making life easy for her. The one thing I will say, is that you should never use the children against her in any way. I'm not saying that you would, just throwing that out there for you. Again, best of luck. It p!sses me off to see all these people on this site that suffer from cheating spouses, especially those that show no remorse.
As far as her family is concerned, it's great they are aware of her actions. That's really the best you can hope for. The fact that some of them have reached out to you and are concerned about you is great. In the end, they are her blood and are probably not going to write her off for her stupid decisions. Would you if you ever found out one of your kids cheated on their spouse?
When I became aware of it she has stated several times that
" no one would blame me if I left" She has also stated this when we argue that is I am not happy with how she is dealing with things or addressing them that " I should just leave".
I almost think she is testing me to see if I will leave to see if I am really commited to being with her to work things out.
So does anyone have any insight as to why she is so supportive of me leaving or that it is okay if I do leave.......
I almost think she is says/does this as a way to be passive-agressive. That way if you leave, she can think "Well he made the choice on his own to bail." Or she says these things as a form of self-loathing or to try to get pity/empathy from you. See, if she can make you feel bad for her, she won't think she's such a bad person, or rather, she didn't do such a bad thing. She is probably very humiliated/embarassed after you found out and even more hurt because you talked to OM and exposed your knowledge of the affair to him. And to add insult to injury, now he's not calling her so she feels, "Great, now my marriage is meessed up and this other guy only used me for sex." So she feels alone.
Don't feed into it. Hold onto whatever you feel you must do it and do it. Do not waffle on your boundaries with her.
*Wait, I just re-read your thread title. If she meant nobody would blame HER (me) if she left, then yeah she's talking wayward speak. None of what they say make sense. Again, it's self-loathing in order to get you to pity here so she won't feel as bad. Or she's saying it in the sense that you're so mean for finally standing your ground to her and telling her the affair isn't going to happen or you are out/gone/finito. That is very childish response on her end, if it's the latter.
Re: She says (Cheating Wife) that " No One Would Blame me (Husband) if I left"
Jellybeans you seem to be on the money with all your responses.
Maybe I should clarify that title she tells me the Husband that no one being her and her family would blame me if I left he due to the PA. And as you have said I think that is almost self medication to make herself feel better, I have to think that someone is in a dark place to cheat and then when they get caught and realize the damage that they have caused to themselves, their family and what not. If I was in her shoes I would be looking around and seeing my walls come crashing down as she stands to loose her husband, house, kids and a pretty decent way of life.....but as she says we had a bad marriage........
She keeps telling me she cant trust men and part of it has to be cause as you said he made himself out to be a friend and now he will have no contact with her and I am sure he is afraid that I may talk to his fiance and blow his cover as I have already talked to him and he has denied everything......
I apologize. I agree with Jellybeans. From the title, it seemed like she was telling you no one would blame her for leaving you. Now that that has been cleared up, she seems to be doing exactly what JB says. She just seems to be looking for pity from you and still seems to be in the fog for getting aggravated at you for confronting OM and then worrying about his feelings and breaking the NC.
Stand your ground and don't back down. Still follow through with telling his fiancee what he's done so she knows who she is/was getting married to. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on either and though it may hurt now, she will be better off in the end severing all ties with this fool.
Do what you feel you need to do. My comments were based on her telling you that no one would blame her for leaving you.
What are you wanting? A wife who owns what she did and takes steps to make up for it? Or are you just willing to accept her no matter what? We need to know your ultimate feelings.
A wife who owns what she did and takes steps to make up for it?
Is she cannot own what she did there is no way to even attempt to work past. As she will continue to blame me, she has to own what she did. As I have said we may have had issues in our marriage that need to be sorted out but she is the one that had the A, she needs to own up to her actions.
I think me wanting her to be a wife who owns what she did and takes steps to make up for it is not asking for to much.
She says that "No one would blame..." because she wants you to throw your hands up, say that you give up and leave. Then she can scream "Willful Abandonment of Family" in front of a judge.
In short, she's trying desperately to make you the bad guy, so that she can play the helpless, innocent victim.
Oh, and as far as the house: you bought it before the marriage, therefore it is not assets acquired during the marriage, therefore, she may very well have no legal claim to it.
EXACTLY!!! I was thinking aout that. You ahd it when you married. If it's soley in your name (assuming you didn't add her on when you married) I don't see where she is entilted to jack.....kick her out.
Hey HCS---as to the house---if you owned it prior to the mge---and never put her on the title deed---it is your seperate property, it is not part of the mge---AND YOU CAN KICK HER OUT
As to her stating---I don't blame you if you left----this comes from her now feeling big time sorry for herself, and playing the drama queen
Bottom line here is she knows that she will never be able to find a guy who can take your place---look who she had sex with---scumbags---if you D. her---that is what her future will look like---sexual encounters with bums, she will wake up in the morning, not even knowing the name of the scum she slept with
She knows the pickings out there are next to nothing, and that's in a big city---if you are in a small town---THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE FOR HER at all----you have all the aces---figure out how you wanna play this, and play it, but remember this is your game, by your rules, if she don't like it---she needs to go---she can go back to her scum lovers, and bums---for that is all she will get---------
I take it as her saying No one would blame him for leaving her cheating a** if he left her. My husbands version of this is. Why do you even deal with this. You should just leave me. For me that means he wants to use me to end the marriage. So he doesn't look bad to everyone. Making him free to do as he wishes. Could be the same thing. Her way of using you to end it so she could be free for the OM. Either way it's disrespectful and cowardly in my opinion.
I believe I told you on you other thread or in the pm I sent you - it takes a long time for ownership of what she did and even longer for her to forgive herself and start to work on her. SHE can't face herself in the mirror. She can't face the guilt and shame of what she has done. Telling you to leave her is the easy way out for her. She doesn't have to face you and the pain she has caused. It's the flight side of fight or flight. As fars as the rejection she feels from the other man - she is mourning the loss. You can hate it and loath it but it is her feelings and the truth and she will need time to get over it. She got hurt by the OM. Her fantasy world crashed. GIVE HER TIME and don't fall into the suggestion you split. If you still love her, it can work out but it takes both of you. You MUST back off. It sounds back a$$ wards, but if you tell her you feel bad she is pain over her loss you will be very surprised at her reaction. Add that you don't like what she did but you don't like the pain she is going through.
so its OK, for her to lean on howcouldshe---to help her out of the mess she CHOSE to make of everyone's lives-----just out of curiosity---what has she been doing to help howcouldshe----Howcouldshe is the one who did nothing wrong, who has had his soul ripped apart, and so his wife is having a hard time coping---well you know what that goes with the territory---she chose her path, now she gets to follow it to its end
No she is not a bad person---she is just a selfish person, who thinks only of herself, and does not care about the consequences of her actions
Howcouldshe, will live with what she has done possibly the rest of his life----thru her he may never want to trust a member of the opposite sex, and you want him to help her with her problems----Yes this may be a heartless attitude, but, once again BUT FOR, what she did, we would not be here discussing this would we!!!!!!
If we all threw away every person who ever cheated on us, if we never gave anyone a second chance, the entire world would become partner-less. And if you think YOU could never succumb to the same thing, you are kidding yourself. I'm reading a book about such a man, who encountered a woman who intentionally broke down his defenses, one meeting at a time, until he ended up in bed with her. She planned it, and it worked. It's not always about being 'good' or 'bad.'
With rare exceptions - like 8yearscheating, RWB and the_guy - a faithful husband who chooses to remain married to his unfaithful wife, usually end up worse for doing so. If statistics are to be believed, only 35% of the marriages impacted by infidelity, actually survive. I think it's safe to say that howcouldshe's marriage does not belong in that 35%.
The issue here is that you have an unfaithful wife who is far from being remorseful and that is only fueling the desire of her betrayed husband to divorce her. Whatever love he had for her, she has practically killed it by her affair and foggy attitude. If I was a betting man, I would give odds against this marriage surviving.
The issue here is that you have an unfaithful wife who is far from being remorseful and that is only fueling the desire of her betrayed husband to divorce her.
You make a great point. I do not think any marriage has a good change of being restore/being happy again if the disloyal does not own what they did, accept the pain they have caused, goes no contact with the affair partner and really truly commits 100% to the betrayed. Oh and apologizes sincerely and truly empathizes with the pain they have caused.
Howcouldshe--only you can decide whether it is best to stay or not.
Some of us do divorce, some don't. Some can work through the infidelity (not past it, cause hello, infidelity scars and you never forget it) and some simply do not/ cannot/ will not.
Some folks do regret their divorce, some don't.
Thing is, we are all on a different life path and what is good for some may not be for others.
It's a mixed bag.
I find any couple who can stay together after infidelity and make it, truly make it and be happy, admirable.
Oh and I agree with Mori--get that book. It's awesome.
IMHO---most everyone has lost site of what howcouldshee's wife is all about------
This is a woman, that had an A., with a druggie, had sex in her own home with the druggie's cousin, then tried to make it look like he committed battery on her, and did the latter with her own children in her own home
Is this the kind of woman you want for a wife, and mother, is this the kind of woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with
She invites no account bums into her home , with her children present to spend the night drinking with her, with no H., around for protection
Many of you may not like it---but IMHO, she should have been sent on her way long ago---she doesn't have the integrity, or moral fibre to be a decent mother, much less a wife----but then again this is about howcouldshee's life, so its his decision, as to what kind of person he has taking care of his kids.!!!!!!!
Agree with jnj...she endangered the children, and then has the nerve to protect the two OMs. Simply put-she should not be trusted, but it's up to the OP as to whether or not he wants to stay with her.
And morituri, 2 things:
Love your avatars, and yet another great music shout-out. ELP rules!
Normally I agree with you guys...except...the one time I'm willing to give a pass is when someone reaches remorse. Is it real or fake? We don't know. But in all the years I've advised, I've almost never seen a wayward reach the remorse part and be faking it.
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