She says (Cheating Wife) that " No One Would Blame me (Husband) if I left"
So long and the short my W had a PA for several months earlier this year.
When I became aware of it she has stated several times that
" no one would blame me if I left" She has also stated this when we argue that is I am not happy with how she is dealing with things or addressing them that " I should just leave".
I almost think she is testing me to see if I will leave to see if I am really commited to being with her to work things out.
I have already told her that I will not leave, I bought this house before we were married and she is the one that make the final step in creating this situation. We may not have had a perfect marriage but who has, but she is the one that sought the affair and made that grown up choice to have an A
And I think in her own mind she is still justifying that what she did was ok. or atleast that is the front she puts on.
I think she is also hurt that the guy she had the A with will no answer her calls or texts.........
So does anyone have any insight as to why she is so supportive of me leaving or that it is okay if I do leave.......
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Is she saying "No one would blame you if you left" because that would imply that she acknowledges what she did was wrong and may be a sign of possible remorse. But if she is actually saying "No One Would Blame me if I left" then it means that people would view her having an affair because you were a horrible husband. She is deflecting blame to you which means that you have an unremorseful woman posing as your wife - a fraud.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Tell her, "Well, since no one would blame you, the door is right over there. You have a choice, we work this out or you can hit the road."
Tell her no more contact (or attempted contact) as of right now and that you demand full transparency and access to all of her phone, email, FB, etc accounts.
if she won't agree, she her out.
Be tough, she's the one that messed up, not you.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Wow, that's all I can say. I can't believe she would say that to you and then expect you to forgive her and move on with the marriage. I would have helped her pack her things at that point and put them in her car. Kick her out. She doesn't seem to care about you or the marriage. Besides, kicking her out may be the jolt she needs to get out of the obvious fog she's in. Tell her that you found out the OM doesn't live with his fiancee anymore and that she can go stay with him, since the fiancee supposedly kicked him out. You hold all the cards here, start playing them. Kick her out and by all means don't support her financially. Basically, remove yourself from her life and let her see what her life is going to be like without you. I would also make her family and friends aware of what she's done, so that she doesn't make you look like the @$$ here. If she doesn't leave of her own free will, make sure you can be at the house when she is not there and change the locks, so she can't get back in. If she decides to be really nasty and start destroying property, call the cops. Best of luck my friend, you're going to need it.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Quote:
Originally Posted by RestlessInGeorgia
Wow, that's all I can say. I can't believe she would say that to you and then expect you to forgive her and move on with the marriage. I would have helped her pack her things at that point and put them in her car. Kick her out. She doesn't seem to care about you or the marriage. Besides, kicking her out may be the jolt she needs to get out of the obvious fog she's in. Tell her that you found out the OM doesn't live with his fiancee anymore and that she can go stay with him, since the fiancee supposedly kicked him out. You hold all the cards here, start playing them. Kick her out and by all means don't support her financially. Basically, remove yourself from her life and let her see what her life is going to be like without you. I would also make her family and friends aware of what she's done, so that she doesn't make you look like the @$$ here. If she doesn't leave of her own free will, make sure you can be at the house when she is not there and change the locks, so she can't get back in. If she decides to be really nasty and start destroying property, call the cops. Best of luck my friend, you're going to need it.
Thanks everyone for the feedback,
So a few things that i forgot to add, from the best of my knowledge I cannot just "kick her out" of the house. But I could be wrong. At the present time lets just say I am exploring those options.....
One other issue is we have kids so I am trying to make this as easy as I can on them as well, they are young and I dont think they know much if anything about what is going on. The kids make this one especially messy.
Almost everyone on her side of the family knows what she did, and some of them have said they hope I am doing okay and what not but again, from what I see no one seems to have any real disapointment or upset in her actions, maybe they are not showing them and just trying to be supportive.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
What about taking a copy of the police report to child protective services to get feedback as to whether her actions in the matter constituted child endangerment? It couldn't hurt.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri
What about taking a copy of the police report to child protective services to get feedback as to whether her actions in the matter constituted child endangerment? It couldn't hurt.
Which police report? once I change the locks and were to wreck the place?
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
You may be right about not being able to kick her out. I think the only way that can really happen is if you guys divorce. The best you can hope for is to make her life there as miserable as possible so that she decides to leave of her own free will, not by verbal or physical abuse though. Just be sure this is what you want to happen because once you start down that road, you've pretty much decided that divorce is the best option.
You can remove yourself from any joint accounts and open accounts in your name only. If you remove money from the joint account, make sure it is only half because she's entitled to half of the money in those accounts by law. You can let her live primarily off of her own means instead of both of your means. I would cut off anything in the house that is not essential to living, such as cable, internet, her cell phone if your name is on it. Cancel any joint credit accounts. If you can, make sure you buy food as you need it. If you can get away with it, buy the kids meals on a day-to-day basis. If she takes care of them most of the day, then the food option may not be feasible. As far as she's concerned, don't act as if you care about her at all, even if you love her with all your heart. Implement the 180 that is highly recommended on this site. If you search you can find it. I'm not saying do any or all of these things. They are just ideas for you to think about. She's not interested in making life any better for you, you shouldn't be making life easy for her. The one thing I will say, is that you should never use the children against her in any way. I'm not saying that you would, just throwing that out there for you. Again, best of luck. It p!sses me off to see all these people on this site that suffer from cheating spouses, especially those that show no remorse.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
As far as her family is concerned, it's great they are aware of her actions. That's really the best you can hope for. The fact that some of them have reached out to you and are concerned about you is great. In the end, they are her blood and are probably not going to write her off for her stupid decisions. Would you if you ever found out one of your kids cheated on their spouse?
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Quote:
Originally Posted by howcouldshe
When I became aware of it she has stated several times that
" no one would blame me if I left" She has also stated this when we argue that is I am not happy with how she is dealing with things or addressing them that " I should just leave".
I almost think she is testing me to see if I will leave to see if I am really commited to being with her to work things out.
So does anyone have any insight as to why she is so supportive of me leaving or that it is okay if I do leave.......
I almost think she is says/does this as a way to be passive-agressive. That way if you leave, she can think "Well he made the choice on his own to bail." Or she says these things as a form of self-loathing or to try to get pity/empathy from you. See, if she can make you feel bad for her, she won't think she's such a bad person, or rather, she didn't do such a bad thing. She is probably very humiliated/embarassed after you found out and even more hurt because you talked to OM and exposed your knowledge of the affair to him. And to add insult to injury, now he's not calling her so she feels, "Great, now my marriage is meessed up and this other guy only used me for sex." So she feels alone.
Don't feed into it. Hold onto whatever you feel you must do it and do it. Do not waffle on your boundaries with her.
*Wait, I just re-read your thread title. If she meant nobody would blame HER (me) if she left, then yeah she's talking wayward speak. None of what they say make sense. Again, it's self-loathing in order to get you to pity here so she won't feel as bad. Or she's saying it in the sense that you're so mean for finally standing your ground to her and telling her the affair isn't going to happen or you are out/gone/finito. That is very childish response on her end, if it's the latter.
Re: She says (Cheating Wife) that " No One Would Blame me (Husband) if I left"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
I almost think she is says/does this as a way to be passive-agressive. That way if you leave, she can think "Well he made the choice on his own to bail." Or she says these things as a form of self-loathing or to try to get pity/empathy from you. See, if she can make you feel bad for her, she won't think she's such a bad person, or rather, she didn't do such a bad thing. She is probably very humiliated/embarassed after you found out and even more hurt because you talked to OM and exposed your knowledge of the affair to him. And to add insult to injury, now he's not calling her so she feels, "Great, now my marriage is meessed up and this other guy only used me for sex." So she feels alone.
Don't feed into it. Hold onto whatever you feel you must do it and do it. Do not waffle on your boundaries with her.
*Wait, I just re-read your thread title. If she meant nobody would blame HER (me) if she left, then yeah she's talking wayward speak. None of what they say make sense. Again, it's self-loathing in order to get you to pity here so she won't feel as bad. Or she's saying it in the sense that you're so mean for finally standing your ground to her and telling her the affair isn't going to happen or you are out/gone/finito. That is very childish response on her end, if it's the latter.
Do NOT NOT NOT move out of your home. No way.
Jellybeans you seem to be on the money with all your responses.
Maybe I should clarify that title she tells me the Husband that no one being her and her family would blame me if I left he due to the PA. And as you have said I think that is almost self medication to make herself feel better, I have to think that someone is in a dark place to cheat and then when they get caught and realize the damage that they have caused to themselves, their family and what not. If I was in her shoes I would be looking around and seeing my walls come crashing down as she stands to loose her husband, house, kids and a pretty decent way of life.....but as she says we had a bad marriage........
She keeps telling me she cant trust men and part of it has to be cause as you said he made himself out to be a friend and now he will have no contact with her and I am sure he is afraid that I may talk to his fiance and blow his cover as I have already talked to him and he has denied everything......
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Quote:
Originally Posted by howcouldshe
Jellybeans you seem to be on the money with all your responses
Why, thank you ::bows head and curtsies::
Quote:
Originally Posted by howcouldshe
She keeps telling me she cant trust men and part of it has to be cause as you said he made himself out to be a friend and now he will have no contact with her and I am sure he is afraid that I may talk to his fiance and blow his cover as I have already talked to him and he has denied everything......
The irony here is that she's saying she can't trust men is she betrayed your trust and she CAN trust you. If she is saying she can't trust you (for fear you'll spill to OM's fiance - OMF), two things are happening:
1. She's saying this to get you to pity her enough/feel bad enough to the point you will NOT say anything to the OMF (it's reverse psychology and another way to protect herself from OMF fiancee finding out and it possibly being the death knell to her affair)
or
2. She is so hurt by OM ending contact with her that she realizes now the damage it's caused in her life, marriage, relationship with you (kids, if any) and again, if she feels she cannot trust him, the affair was in vain--it signifies that he only usd her for a good time til he got called out and he bailed--that he never had true feelings for her and the relationship was superficial.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
I apologize. I agree with Jellybeans. From the title, it seemed like she was telling you no one would blame her for leaving you. Now that that has been cleared up, she seems to be doing exactly what JB says. She just seems to be looking for pity from you and still seems to be in the fog for getting aggravated at you for confronting OM and then worrying about his feelings and breaking the NC.
Stand your ground and don't back down. Still follow through with telling his fiancee what he's done so she knows who she is/was getting married to. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on either and though it may hurt now, she will be better off in the end severing all ties with this fool.
Do what you feel you need to do. My comments were based on her telling you that no one would blame her for leaving you.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
What are you wanting? A wife who owns what she did and takes steps to make up for it? Or are you just willing to accept her no matter what? We need to know your ultimate feelings.
Re: She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Why, thank you ::bows head and curtsies::
The irony here is that she's saying she can't trust men is she betrayed your trust and she CAN trust you. If she is saying she can't trust you (for fear you'll spill to OM's fiance - OMF), two things are happening:
1. She's saying this to get you to pity her enough/feel bad enough to the point you will NOT say anything to the OMF (it's reverse psychology and another way to protect herself from OMF fiancee finding out and it possibly being the death knell to her affair)
or
2. She is so hurt by OM ending contact with her that she realizes now the damage it's caused in her life, marriage, relationship with you (kids, if any) and again, if she feels she cannot trust him, the affair was in vain--it signifies that he only usd her for a good time til he got called out and he bailed--that he never had true feelings for her and the relationship was superficial.
I have asked here how she can make the blanket statement that she does not trust men when I have never cheated on her and always been there for her, when I heard about the affair I stayed calmed and told her we would try and work through it,
She claims her big trust issues are with the guy she had an affair with because when his cousion sexually assaulted her, the guy she had the affair with never called to see if she was okay. Do you really think he would call, it was his cousin after all, family sticks together before anything else, some woman that the one was playing around with is going to take a back seat. come on....
I have told her that I have nothing to loose by talking to the OM or the OMF, I have no dirty laundry only they do.
I think that she had some to the stark realization of the damage that she has done, she is still playing the cold face card as I dont think she wants me to see here as weak or venerable, considering that is probally how she feels.
She says that " No One Would Blame me if I left" 
