I have a saying - never waste a crisis. Meaning that I try to use every crisis in my life to improve my life in some way. The confusion, discomfort and call to action that a crisis brings about are an amazing impetus for change. So. It sounds like you and your H really want to reconcile and it sounds like you have taken ownership of your affair. Now talk to your husband. No holds barred. Tell him what made you unhappy in your marriage, have him tell you what he needs out of your marriage. Talk, talk, and talk some more. A bomb has been dropped into your marriage - a crisis. You are both way outside your comfort zones. Take advantage of that and use this opportunity to really grow and work on your marriage. Don't just want the stomach ache to go away. It's normal for you (and your H obviously) to be really struggling. I was the wayward spouse to, and dealing with my affair has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It has put scars on me that I will have the rest of my life. But, my wife and I used the process of reconciliation to really talk and improve our marriage. We're better today than we have ever been. Your marriage as you knew it is over - it will never be the same. The question now is can you use the opportunity to make your marriage going forward better than the one you had?
Yes we will attend marriage counseling. My husband and I are getting individual counseling and he is going to let me know when he feels stable enough to start going together.
My affair lasted several months starting with just talking which lead into an emotional affair and then physical. I do spend endless hours making attempts to express to my husband that I felt far from #1 in his life. I would tell him that I didn't feel validated or like a priority to him. I asked him to read marriage books with me. I asked him share in activities with me like working out or sharing a hobby. I would go to my husband for when things where bothering me and he would say "woman are so emotional, men just blow things off".
I am getting a second chance and am going to prove to my husband that I love and value him and my family. I have called the other man in front of my husband to tell him to stay away and that it is over, my husband has all access to my phone and computer, I let him know when I am leaving and coming home from the house to build trust and we are reading a marriage book together at night. I know there is so much more to do but this is our start.
Regarding the whole respect thing, I am so confused on how I feel. I do respect my husband but not as much as I feel I should. I feel hurt by the years of feeling like I was crazy because I wasn't understood. I felt rejected and wanted so much more out of my marriage but my husband blew me off.
I am still not sure how I am going to handle the other woman. I think he should tell her the hard facts and that it’s his responsibility. I want to deal with my family and want him to deal with his family. I don't think many of you will agree with me...
I am still not sure how I am going to handle the other woman. I think he should tell her the hard facts and that it’s his responsibility. I want to deal with my family and want him to deal with his family. I don't think many of you will agree with me...
I agree with you - I was the same way. But, if confronted with having to tell her - tell her the truth - all of it.
I am still not sure how I am going to handle the other woman. I think he should tell her the hard facts and that it’s his responsibility. I want to deal with my family and want him to deal with his family. I don't think many of you will agree with me...
I think her husband should tell her, not you.
But if she calls you and ask questions, you should be honest with her.
I have a saying - never waste a crisis. Meaning that I try to use every crisis in my life to improve my life in some way. The confusion, discomfort and call to action that a crisis brings about are an amazing impetus for change. So. It sounds like you and your H really want to reconcile and it sounds like you have taken ownership of your affair. Now talk to your husband. No holds barred. Tell him what made you unhappy in your marriage, have him tell you what he needs out of your marriage. Talk, talk, and talk some more. A bomb has been dropped into your marriage - a crisis. You are both way outside your comfort zones. Take advantage of that and use this opportunity to really grow and work on your marriage. Don't just want the stomach ache to go away. It's normal for you (and your H obviously) to be really struggling. I was the wayward spouse to, and dealing with my affair has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It has put scars on me that I will have the rest of my life. But, my wife and I used the process of reconciliation to really talk and improve our marriage. We're better today than we have ever been. Your marriage as you knew it is over - it will never be the same. The question now is can you use the opportunity to make your marriage going forward better than the one you had?
Good Luck
Thanks so much for the comment. We probably need to do even MORE talking while the guards are down. I have already caused so much pain and I been worried about talking about anything else that can cause more pain.
I am glad to here that your marriage has improved!!!
Have you forgiven yourself? Do you still feel guilt?
Have I forgiven myself??? Some days yes and some no - does that make sense?? But, mostly yes. Do I still feel guilt? No, my wife took my guilt when she forgave me. However, I do still feel remorse, disappointment in myself, and shame. Those lovely nuggets I will have forever - I earned them.
Thing is by not telling her the truth, you are disrespecting her even further. So if she asks, be honest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marriageinprogress
Have you forgiven yourself? Do you still feel guilt?
As someone who was the DS in my marriage, no, I have never forgiven myself. That was 2 yeras ago, too. And I still feel the guilt and weight of what I did every day. It has never gone away.
Hey MIP------1st as to the other wife---you said she was a good friend of yours----you betrayed her, and she will have great pain and suffering---but her scumbag H---isn't gonna tell her the truth---so the one parting gift you can give her, is to tell her the truth---ALL THE TRUTH---so her H, can't TT her, and downplay what actually went on----The 2 of you ( you and H)---should never have contact with the other couple again FOR ANY REASON---so tell her, be done with it, and move on.
As to your mge-----you said you spent countless hours trying to get your H., to listen to you, and deal with the problems of the mge----You know, you went about solving his apathy, and ignoring you, in the wrong way-------SO-------
What are you both doing to deal with marital problems when they arise from now on---for they will arise, as they do in all mge.'s----and what do you intend to do in the future---if your H. reverts back to "blowing you off", or treats you very badly which he may very well do as a by-product of your straying on him
Hey MIP------1st as to the other wife---you said she was a good friend of yours----you betrayed her, and she will have great pain and suffering---but her scumbag H---isn't gonna tell her the truth---so the one parting gift you can give her, is to tell her the truth---ALL THE TRUTH---so her H, can't TT her, and downplay what actually went on----The 2 of you ( you and H)---should never have contact with the other couple again FOR ANY REASON---so tell her, be done with it, and move on.
As to your mge-----you said you spent countless hours trying to get your H., to listen to you, and deal with the problems of the mge----You know, you went about solving his apathy, and ignoring you, in the wrong way-------SO-------
What are you both doing to deal with marital problems when they arise from now on---for they will arise, as they do in all mge.'s----and what do you intend to do in the future---if your H. reverts back to "blowing you off", or treats you very badly which he may very well do as a by-product of your straying on him
I guess I am still crossing my fingers that the OM will confess the whole truth. If he doesn't I will be honest when she confronts me. I just don't sleep at nights because of the pain I have caused my husband and the pain I am going to cause to "my friend". I just want to know that she will recover from this, trust again, have a successful family, and her kids will not suffer because of the affair. I know I should have thought of all this before but I didn't and I am know. I am an idiot.
As for my husband and I - I need to stop fearing and start trusting more. I have fears that things will revert back to how they used to be. I feel so much more aware of how affairs happen and will never let it happen again. We both recognize now the warning signs that the affair was beginning and will be able to hold each other more accountable if we see any signs. I think since this affair our communication will be a lot more open and understanding of each others needs. I am responsible for the affair but my husband recognizes things he wasn't doing to make me feel important. We are working on it.
I hope you and your H, can deal with your problems, and the new mge, that will rise from the ashes of the old mge will work out
IMHO---you should take the iniative, have your talk with the other wife---and get it over with-----He is scum, whether you wanna admit it or not---and he more than likely will not tell his wife the truth---it should come from you----it should come from you, alos for the reason, that she will know the truth about what he is/isn't telling her-----hopefully after you tell her, you will be able to sleep better, and move forward with your life----be good, and stand tall
I am going to respectfully disagree with both of you.
While I think the betrayed has every right to know they have been cheated on, I do not ever think the knowledge should come from the Other Woman (or man). To me, it's like twisting the knife even deeper and pouring more acid into the wound.
MarriageinProgress--you said you want to know she will recover and trust again but the thing is I can promise you--the dynamic of their marriage is changed forever once she finds out. She will never trust him the same again and while she may move past it and "recover," she won't ever forget. It'll be a scar that never goes away. Much like your own husband.
I know that is not what you want to hear but it is the truth.
Are you and your husband going to get counselling? I think it's a good idea for you guys. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Perhaps you can read it together. Talk about how you felt neglected and ask him how he has felt neglected and work together to resolve it.
I think you should tell the OM's wife, your former friend, that you're available and willing to discuss further details if she wants them, but not just air them all out without knowing if she wants a to hear it.
I am going to respectfully disagree with both of you.
While I think the betrayed has every right to know they have been cheated on, I do not ever think the knowledge should come from the Other Woman (or man). To me, it's like twisting the knife even deeper and pouring more acid into the wound.
To be honest, I don't think I will approach her about the affair but I WHEN she approaches me I will be honest and remorseful. I think if I were in here shoes it would be so much harder to hear it from the other woman. I don't think I could forgive if it I didn't hear it straight from my husband.
MarriageinProgress--you said you want to know she will recover and trust again but the thing is I can promise you--the dynamic of their marriage is changed forever once she finds out. She will never trust him the same again and while she may move past it and "recover," she won't ever forget. It'll be a scar that never goes away. Much like your own husband.
I know that is not what you want to hear but it is the truth.
That is so hard to hear. I did something so horrible that it will leave scars. I honestly never thought I was capable of having an affair. I told my husband that if he ever had an affair that we would have to divorce because I wouldn't be able to forgive him. I am undeserving of my husband’s forgiveness. I know I can't make the scar go away but I will be putting a lot of scar cream on it to fad it as much as possible!! I think because of this situation I don't feel I can judge anyone. I am glad I feel that way. My Mom is very judgmental and I never wanted to be like her and would fight against it. Now I am just rambling...
Are you and your husband going to get counselling? I think it's a good idea for you guys. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Perhaps you can read it together. Talk about how you felt neglected and ask him how he has felt neglected and work together to resolve it.
My husband and I are getting IC and will get MC. I am not sure how long we before we should start MC? I have not read that book, I will look into it.
You are lucky he is giving you another chance.
I feel very lucky and indebted to my husband.
I wish you guys the best.
Thank you for all your comments; I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions!! Sorry I haven't figured out this whole quote thing yet...lol
Re: My affair turned our world upside down! 
and remorseful. I think if I were in here shoes it would be so much harder to hear it from the other woman. I don't think I could forgive if it I didn't hear it straight from my husband. 
