My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and have 4 beautiful children. Prior to getting married my husband introduced me to his faith and I converted. I agreed to be converted because I thought that the church taught great values, wanted to be like some of the great families I saw at the church and I am sure I also wanted to please my future husband. My parents completely disagreed with my decision to convert and pretty much disowned me as their daughter along with most of my friends. They stopped supporting me in getting my education and cut me off from any help.
My husband and I married a year later.
My husband had a 4 year old little boy at the time that had recently come to live with him full-time so we became an instant family. I was 20 years old and my husband was 25 at the time we got married. We were happy and trying to make it on our own.
(I hope I am not boring you with to much history)
The problems started a year after being married. We were facing challenges with my husbands prior debt that was undisclosed to me which was causing financial problems, being a blended family, court and custody battles, religion issues, problems with my parents, and me having issues of not feeling important to my husband (he did love me). We would have a lot of good days and a lot of bad days. We considered divorce but I was sooo stubborn I didn't want to fail after I just fought with my family and friends that it was the right choice for me to get married to the man I love. The stress of our problems was overwhelming for both of us. I started resenting my husband and finding fault in him which wasn't good for our marriage. In return my husband started getting very resentful towards me because of my resentment and me having doubt in our faith. I started having health issues due to the stress I was under and wanting be successful in my marriage to prove to everyone I made the right choice. I had developed shingles, an ulcer, and depression. (I had never been depressed before, I was a very happy person for the most part who loved to laugh, socialize and play sports)
The first 9 year of our marriage we didn't seem to progress or mature in our relationship. My husband is a very religious man and always tries to look at the bright side of things. I always felt that I wanted more out of my marriage and wanted to feel understood. I would suggest reading a book together, working out together, having pillow talk etc... my husband thought that everything was great in our marriage and didn't see the need to work on anything. I have very high expectations and that can be good at times and drive my husband crazy at other times.
After being married for ten years and 4 kids later my attitude and behavior took a turn for the worse. I stopped caring, stopped trying to please everyone and started acting VERY selfish. I became very vulnerable. I started complain about my husband and confiding in another man. I wasn't fully aware that I was getting myself involved in a emotion affair. I just new that I was happy and felt understood talking to this person. My husband and I were growing further and further apart. At times I didn't even think our marriage was going to last. The emotional affair became physical. At times I felt sooo guilty and selfish and at other times I was just numb. The other man was a good friend of the family and I was great friends with his wife (I know I am the BIGGEST loser). I always thought I would take this affair to my grave and never tell anyone. Things have obviously changed. I was and am so remorseful for what I did and want nothing more than to beg for my husbandís forgiveness. It was the hardest things I have ever had to do was sitting my husband down and shatter his heart by telling him that I had an affair. We both cried for hours. My husband was shocked, hurt, disappointed, and heart broken. I had turned our worlds upside down. I felt and still do feel horrible. It has been almost 3 weeks since I told him the full extent of the affair. He had me call the man I had an affair with and tell him that I had told my husband, it was over, that I take responsibility for the problems in my marriage, and tell him to never contact me again.
My husband is working on forgiving me and willing to work on our marriage. He has spoken with the other man several times. We live in the same city which is going make things awkward and our kids are/were best friends. We are trying to figure out if we should move? My stomach is always in knots and I am having a hard time functioning.
Like I have said above my husband is very spiritual and finds a lot of comfort in turning to God. I am trying to say more prays and turn to God; I just don't seem to find the same comfort and peace.
I am the one who had the affair and yet I am the one having a hard time reconnecting. My husband is showing me affection and wants to be by my side constantly... I am grateful for him but feel bad that I am struggling to reconnect.
Only you guys can decide if you should move or not.
I commend you for coming clean to your husband. It's not an easy thing to do.
Do implement no contact and stick to it. You need to earn your husband's trust back. Ask him what you can do to help him and tell him what he acn do to help you.
I would not reject him at this time at all. He is going through a world of pain right now and needs you.
Marriage counselling is always a great idea.
Thanks for the comment.
I don't want any contact with the other man. He hasn't told his wife and she tries to contact me. He told my husband that he was going to tell his wife that my family is avoiding his because we have expressed feelings for each other. She should be calling me any day very upset.
I am not rejecting him at all. I am making him breakfast, sack lunch for work, dinner, and telling him how sorry I am and how much I love him. I think I just feel bad about myself and don't feel very loveable right now. Hopefully my actions are speaking louder than the struggle with my thoughts.
We are both getting individual counseling right now.
It sounds like you and your H should make time to be by yourselves as a couple at least once a week. I know it's hard with 4 kids but if the two of you don't make the effort to change your marriage - and yourselves as well - the two of you might find yourselves back in the same old marriage that made you so unhappy. You may also want to read Dr Willard Harley's book 'His Needs, Her Needs' together and fill out the emotional needs questionaire to find out what are your and your husband's most important emotional needs and satisfying them.
You are lucky that your husband gave you another chance, not many of us men gave our ex-wives a second chance even when they were very remorseful. I also hope that your husband realizes that he needs to be more attuned to the stresses you face and be there for you.
what you did was wrong everyone can see that and so can you. But no REAL man would EVER let the women he loves lose her family and best friends just so he can have her all to himself and live a live of financial strain by misleading you about his debt. You say his a good, religious man... but all i see, in him, is a trickster and a selfish liar.. when is he going to apologize for that?
Like others mention, it seems like you are pouring out your guilt, yet whitewashing the problems that almost led to a divorce earlier in the marriage. You family turned their back on you, and your religious husband was hiding debt from you. Seems like prayer was a way to avoid your needs and the problems.
I'd strongly reccomend seeing a therapist so that you can begin the process of forgiving yourself and facing the consequences at face value. Look to the endgame. What actions and forgiveness will lead to a strong marriage, and what self-made obstacles will stand in your way. You can heal with him from the affair, while addressing his lack of deep involvement in your emotional needs.
Hey MIP---let me ask you something----you had great disrespect for your H., which led to your cheating on him
What do you think of him now, in that he is basically just sliding this under the rug---and really not making you accountable---do you still disrespect him----is that part of what stands in your way
How do you intend to deal with the other wife----you have helped to wreck her home---what will you say to her----even tho her main beef is with her H.----it did take the 2 of you to do this
What were your thoughts, as you went thru stop sign, after stop sign---knowing you were gonna wreck the lives of your kids
What could you have told yourself to make it OK for you to do this????????
I think my husband is quick to forgive but I don't think we are sliding this under the rug. He lets me know daily how I hurt him and asks me hard questions daily. He is seeing a counselor that is helping him deal with this situation as I am. Everyday is challenging for both of us since it has only been three weeks. I don't disrespect him but I do think that my lack of respect is standing in the way. I know I am not the victim here but I experienced a lot of hurt and resentment throughout my marriage that I need to get past. I do respect the way my husband is handling this situation and I am so grateful that he is willing to give me a second chance.
I am scared to deal with the other woman. Words can't express enough of how bad I feel that her world is going to be turned upside down as well. I wish that the other man would come clean and tell her everything but he said that he is going to minimize it. The only thing I can do is express my remorse and apologize. That phone call or confrontation should be any day now....
When I was in the midst of all this I was just being so selfish. I told myself that I was finally happy and had someone in my life that was exciting, would validate me, understood me, etc.... I wasn't looking for an affair but when I started getting attention I jumped right in. I was content with the emotional part of it but he was pressing the physical. I stupid and arrogant thinking I wasn't going to get caught. I was sacrificing everything that was truly important to me just for my fake happiness in the moment. I know I am an idiot. I am glad itís over.....
Hey MIP----Did you ever really, forcefully try to get across to your H., the problems you were having in the mge.
How much time did you spend having your A.---Weeks, months, however long----did you really truly even spend 24 hrs, total in your 10 yr mge., forcefully going over, with your H. what you needed to make the mge healthy----How many times did you sit him down, and force him to talk about what was bothering you-----Had you done that even a few times, we wouldn't be here, would we.
What do the 2 of you intend to do now----you are getting the second chance----but lets admit it---mge., is very hard---once the passion goes, the everyday realities cause rifts, arguments, what have you-----what is gonna keep you from repeating this all over again, if you are unhappy in the future---
I do not think your H., is really making you accountable, yes he complains, and questions, but has he given you boundaries, with consequences----You said above, you still don't respect him---why don't you respect him
As to the other wife----if you are gonna put out the effort to tell her what has gone on, and you are gonna put yourself thru the trauma of actually coming clean with her---then tell her all the hard facts----Her H., is obviously scum, in that he cheated on her, and then wants to soft pedal the whole thing---she is entitled to know everything so she can make her own informed decision about the rest of her life---not what her scum H., will try to slide by her as bare-bones
The OM's wife needs and deserves to know the facts. Maybe "words cannot express" how badly you feel, but you did it nevertheless... It may be that your guilt and shame is further enhanced by knowing it's not come clean with her. You and your H should tell her, not the OM. This will also be part of the healing process for you two.
MC may very well help you get to (a) addressing the root cause issues in your marriage that led you to make your bad choice, to (b) restore some respect for your H (and him respecting you as well), and (c) your own self-forgiveness for the sake of your kids and your marriage.
Give it time. Don't expect to wake up feeling better all at once; take it day by day. You are early in this process, let time help you both along the way. Good luck.