For me, the cheating was part of an overall pattern of abuse. Only part of the bigger picture. By itself, the impact was not fatal to the marriage. What was fatal to the marriage was the abuse and the underlying personality patterns and personal morals of my spouse.
I won't say I'm still here working at R JUST for my son, but I have thought about this a lot for an enormous amount of time and I can truly say if it were not for the child I would not be here trying in the first place. He allowed me to even open the door to the possibility of R; her remorse, effort, work, willingness, transparency, sympathy, and frankly tolerance for my pain and expressions of it keep me in it. So far, at least.
If I arrive at a realization that I just can't be with her, will be too unhappy, then I won't stay just for the child, but it sure lets me tolerate significantly more pain and accept much less an ideal wife and partner, and dramatically lowers the bar in my own happiness requirements. My entire value system has been shaken to its core and is being reinvented. I don't like it, but it is.
And as I told my wife in a fit of rage early on at DDay, his existence absolutely was the only thing that saved bodily harm, major crime(s), and significant costs and time away. I know this with all my being.
It's like re registering a totaled car as 'salvage'. Oh sure it's drivable and it might even be in pretty good shape. But it was totaled and put back together and it's impossible to get insurance on the car - only liability to others. So yeah, you might get back together but it's a salvage job after driving the car into a creek or a wall or setting it on fire. Don't expect miracles and be ready to finally junk it when the time comes.
2x is my doppelganger in this mess. I've been devastated, then re-devastated after trickle truth revealed a PA in addition to the EA. Add the blatant lies on top of that and I've spiraled into wanting to do things that are . . . irrational. That all being said, seeking the advice of my closest friends (we have left family out of the picture), I want to give this a try as I think it's selfish to my two children to just up and leave without a least seeing how I feel in a few months. My D-Day was reset as of Sunday, and I think all the facts are now on the table. My WW doesn't realize how bad the lies tangled things up.
Add that just up and leaving reduces my time with my kids which I adore to at the best 50%, it appears you have to choose one of the ****ty options that are on the table.
Like others have said here too, I think in my heart I can get to where I need to be, but being a doormat in previous EAs she has had, I need to man up and let her see that I am not taking anything from this point on. So we are currently in an 'in-house' separation for now (which essentially means contact limited to a couple of words here and there while I see if I get to the point of wanting to R).
If she as much as sends a 'you are sexy' text to another man for the rest of her life, I will bounce as fast as possible. And probably pound in a face with the force of the three previous ones I should have pounded in as well.
Then make sure you DO get "her remorse, effort, work, willingness, transparency, sympathy, and frankly tolerance for my pain and expressions of it" to keep YOU in it.
I told my wife I want her to sit down twice every day and think about what she has done, and assuming she is sorry, to find a way to tell me and to tell me why (not just "I'm sorry", but sorry for what), until I tell her to stop. That is a bit over the top, I know, but I sure as hell think about it a lot morethan twice a day. And you know what? It helped me to hear some of the words, even when they got repetitive, and it helped me to 'see' her effort.
I feel for you, dude. We have ZERO good options - a true lose-lose situation. What I've realized is that while it is now ultimately my decision, it's really up to her right now. Her effort keeps me in the game. She stops, I go. She continues, I wait it out... and every day DOES seem get a teensy bit easier, fwiw... those moments with the child that just happen sontaneously, whiuch cannot be replaced or done over that I don't miss out on, I am real glad for being there. I've let that drive me to the effort going in. Good luck.
It's like re registering a totaled car as 'salvage'. Oh sure it's drivable and it might even be in pretty good shape. But it was totaled and put back together and it's impossible to get insurance on the car - only liability to others. So yeah, you might get back together but it's a salvage job after driving the car into a creek or a wall or setting it on fire. Don't expect miracles and be ready to finally junk it when the time comes. My god that is an awsome statemeent......has so much truth to and makes it very easy to read. I will have to use that one.
If she as much as sends a 'you are sexy' text to another man for the rest of her life, I will bounce as fast as possible.
Seriously thinking about this, I'm wondering if a post-nup is a good option that can realistically be pursued, implemented, and if necessary enforced.
Like, she cheats again or even leaves me with the impression she could be cheating, I get to take take ALL our stuff and she leaves with nothing but required child support. I mean nothoing buth the clothes on the back and what I choose to gove her. Nothing.
Here is another question. So many ppl cite children as why they stayed. If there were no kids would you have honestly left? A lot of me sees kids as an excuse to stay instead of a reason. Wanting to know it isn't me, he still wants me, may be more of it. But the pain you must endure to get there, do you ever feel truly chosen again? Posted via Mobile Device
She has two children from a previous relationship. They live with their father because of some BS about 9 years ago. We don't have any children together and couldn't because she had tubal ligation after her last pregnancy. I knew all of this going into marriage with her and had at one point really wanted kids of my own prior to our marriage. I gave up that option, willingly, to be with her. I gave up a major dream of mine to have her in my life for the rest of it. This is another reason her affair cuts so deep. Her affair meant my sacrifice was absolutely worthless and treated by her as such. The sad thing is, this is also the reason I wanted to attempt R. Since she replaced my only dream in this life, I wanted to make sure I gave it every effort. Our life has been better since the affair was exposed and I do feel that if our life continues as it is right now and only gets better, then I wouldn't have given up my dream for nothing.