DG3

Okay so a week ago I find out my husband of 15 years had an EA with a woman he "met" on Cragslist. He was trolling the internet looking for something and found it. I have been devastated and thought it couldn't get worse. Then I start looking deeper into his phone bill and I see a different number as well. I call it and it's a guy. I confront husband and he says it's nothing, a guy friend. Okay, I let it go because honestly I had too much on my plate. Then he admits sending nasty pictures to this woman so I look at the date and time of the picture and I notice he send a picture to this other number as well! On our account I can't see pictures or transcripts of conversations. He finally admits to sexting with a man! What? Now I am even more devastated and emotionally wrecked. He is still in the house, we have three kids. He has come clean about childhood sexual abuse and is asking me to help him while he seeks help for this. I just don't know if I can do this. I think he needs to deal with the sexual abuse on his own. He is trying to use that as an excuse, which I know being abused as a young boy leaves scars. It also leads to all kinds of irrational behavior. But I just don't know if I can help him. Can anyone provide some guidance? I'm losing it here.

Jellybeans

What do you want to do, first and foremost? Do you want the marriage or do you want out?

Abused or not, he cheated on you. By his own choice.

Get tested for STDs.

Seriously

I would have to agree with Jellybeans get tested. If you have spent any amount of time reading through other posts on here you will know that only a week after DDay you may have only scratched the surface of the truth. The rabbit hole can go much deeper. I would hope as I am sure you do also hope you have it all, but as is the case with many you probably don't.

marriageinprogress

Is he just as devastated and remorseful?

Is he taking any responsibility for what he did or just defending his behavior with the abuse. He is wrong as I was too for looking outside my marriage but he may feel horrible for what he has done which comes with a lot of embarrassment, which is maybe why he is defending himself with the whole abuse thing.

You have been married for 15 years and he just told you that he was abused in his childhood. I agree completely this is not an excuse but something huge especially for a man to admit.

I told my husband 3 weeks ago about an affair I had. It has been the longest 3 weeks of my life but I think in the end because my husband is willing to forgive me and I am willing to do anything to make our marriage better by calling the other man in front of my husband to let him know that my husband is sitting next to me, he knows everything and its over, going to counseling, expressing my remorse, letting my husband have complete access to my phone and computer, checking in with my husband when I leave the house and return, and talking about the affair open and honestly has been helping us.

My individual counselor told that something traumatic like this can result in two things (1) failure and unwillingness to work on it or (2) after time of working on and resolving the problems in the marriage it can be so much better than ever before!!!

I know you are hurt and devastated but in my opinion you shouldn't leave him to deal with the sexual abuse alone. You guys should get individual and marriage counseling to help you thru this.
Good luck!!

DG3

Thank you for responding, it really does help! I have been tested for STD's and I'm fine. whew! I am in therapy, he has an appointment set up for tomorrow with a specialist in childhood sexual abuse. I waffle between caring for him and wanting to help him and support him to hating him and wanting him out. He has not been truthful about anything; everything I have learned was dragged out of him. I just found out his EA with the woman was going on much longer that he said and much more was exchanged with her. The stuff with the man scares me to be honest. I don't know who my husband is. This guy is local (the woman is 4 hours away) so I wonder if he has been with him sexually. I am scared. I also am scared for my children - I have three young boys. I guess I just don't understand these urges. At this point, I have decided I'm filing for divorce. I will support him while he gets help for the abuse but the trust is gone. I don't feel I could ever be with him again, especially in an intimate way. I feel like he has so many issues to deal with - he's also an alcoholic, angry, controlling, etc. I need to take care of myself and my boys right now. Thank you again!