Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

One anniversary of affair, need advice

11K views 45 replies 29 participants last post by  carmen ohio 
#1 ·
Hello, last year I ended up in a situation with a coworker. In my mind, I was justifying it as a friendship but over time he became more assertive in his feelings for me and we exchanged emails over several weeks. When he became more assertive, I didn't stop it - he was telling me he wished he met me before I got married, or that I was attractive and he missed his chance, etc. I was flattered and liked the attention and had lately felt like my husband wasn't giving me attention. But I knew if the tables were turned I'd be livid.

My husband saw the emails and I came to realize I had been having an "emotional affair" on one level. On another level, I never wanted a relationship with my coworker - I love my husband and kids more than anything. I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends (even though he always said he knew I was married and wouldn't go there, his actions seemed to suggest otherwise with the email frequency and intensity).

Anyway this was nearly a year ago - everything when the affair was discovered was a nightmare but over the last year things have been much better. We are rebuilding trust and things are mostly going great. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of the affair discovery and I am noticing old upset feelings from my husband coming back. Over the last several weeks he has been thinking about everything that happened and every few days he is upset. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know if I should talk about the past? I constantly ask him what is wrong and sometimes he says nothing, other times he says "all of the things that happened."

I feel like we are taking steps backwards when things have been so wonderful. The other thing is - I still work with this coworker but everything is ended (right after, my husband and I emailed him that it was all over), we rarely see one another at work and have limited interaction at meetings. I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months.

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with everything?
 
See less See more
#3 ·
I am (and have been) looking for a new job for the last 10 months.
You need to look harder, because your husband made a mistake in not insisting that you quit immediately - or at the very least, given you a much shorter time frame to do so.

That, might help him as much as anything else you can do.
 
#7 ·
Yeah, he's probably see-sawing with regret on that one. Many men love in a profound and absolute way and what you did popped his balloon.

I'd just be as supportive and nurturing as possible. It can take years to heal from an A, even if only an EA.
 
#5 ·
Yes staying near the OM is a huge mistake.

The other thing is once down that road 100% trust can never really be obtained.

This is a memory that may fade over time but will always be there.

Betrayal even an EA is pretty devastating especially if he saw that you told the OM you loved him, etc.

Unfortnately you both have to figure out how to live with it.

There is info on what someone like your H goes through. It may help if you read up on it.

Some just can't live with it long term. I hope this isn't your case.

Good luck to you both
 
#8 ·
Take his hand and hold for no reason. Do that "lean thing" women do when they are newly in love and feel both physically and emotionally attached. Snuggle be a little emotional and say " sorry please don't ...." let him say for what.

This is not just about a single date. Step back and try to the swirl of issues and he they interact; You need to share more of the actual steps you have taken to this point. Are there any secret passwords ?

What are his triggers ? Do you realize they are for life. It's like knowingly marrying someone with herpes. Herpes can have long periods of dormancy between outbreaks. A reconciliation for life invokes both anticipating defusing triggers before they occur and planed responds when they do. This part of what is meant by "heavy lifting.". Since PA/EA occured you are both the problem and the only one who can fix it. This is in addition to addressing the issues that lead to it. Includes those major issue that belong to him and he must fix. He cannot use your EA as an excuse not to you or use it as an excuse to your EA in your face. When do you get fed up and walk? Bad news most fail, but a few do and those few WQW. So shall we talk specs?
 
#9 ·
Dang reread post, "there are a swirl of emotions, study their interaction"
 
#11 ·
Thanks all. We are both definitely making a huge effort in our marriage. In fact, for the last six months everything has been great and it hasn't come up at all. I think it's the one year anniversary that's triggering it. Plus the fact that I'm still at my old job.

we did try counseling a few times but we decided that it wasn't really for us. Also, just to be clear I never told OP that I loved him. My mistake in this whole thing was not stopping his emails and also replying (for example if he emailed to say hi, I'd reply hi back). I should've stopped contact the minute it blurred the line but I didn't.
 
#15 ·
I am guilty of spending time emailing and talking to a male that isn't my husband (taking time away from my marriage) and also of not ending it when it became clear that he wanted more than friends
My husband saw the emails and I came to realize I had been having an "emotional affair
You knew you were doing wrong and you did not confess but your husband had to find out by your emails.




Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with everything?
You will have to spend many years (decades?) proving to him that he is the only man that you will give your emotions or body to. You will have to go overboard in not showing any interest in any man for a very long time. Your betrayal is not what I would call SUPER serious, the kind that wil lbreak a marriage, but it is going to take a long time for him to heal. What he knows is that you secretly desired and got emotional attention from another man that should have only gotten from your husband. That is a level of betrayal. However, if you both work at it and do the right things then you will make it and could even get stronger in certain areas. IMO
 
#16 ·
Take the time to sit down and have a drink and talk for 10/15 minutes every day soon as possible when you/both get home

Kids....let them do there homework or TV or anything that will give you the 10/15min

Tell him every day you love him...don't do it at the exact same time as if its a 'good evening'

Try to get into the habit of just touching him on the arm when you talk or hold his arm

Txt him and tell him how's you day ....miss you etc

Let him ask you anything,,,anytime....... AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH

Its so hard every year I trigger for a couple of weeks around the same time and feel like giving up on some days

This will take years and years
 
#17 ·
I am not an expert but I think your husbands reaction seems perfectly reasonable.

It doesn't sound like you are really trying to find a new job 10 months in. Are you just taking the easy road and hoping that your husband will be ok with you staying at your current job?

My advice try harder to find a new job and be an absolute rock with your commitment to your husband and family. He is struggling now because of the hurt you brought him.

I do believe you can do this and rebuild but you must expect set backs especially if you still have the job with your affair partner. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Good luck
 
#18 ·
Hristo2015

My wife had a six month affair with her coworker, both EA and PA. I was devastated and destroyed, if you haven't been betrayed then you really have no idea what I'm talking about. I was a strong man, now I'm a weak man struggling to find my beliefs and my core as a person. I'm in IC, never needed this before. Today I've gotten stronger, beginning to find myself again after being lost for almost three years.

My wife lied through the first five months of MC. My wife continued to work with the OM for three months after d-day. That did severe damage to me. What were they doing? How much time together? Your mind races and you are powerless to stop this. You have been looking for ten months, can you transfer? I can tell you this will send your husband into a rage. Yet what are you doing to alleviate his anxiety? How hard are you really looking? Would you allow your husband to still work with the OW? Would you be fine with him saying I've been looking for ten months?

How close did you and OM get? How hurt do you think you would be? Think hard about this, stand in his shoes and try to imagine. I tried to kill myself, I used to love life, I used to make everyone laugh, not anymore. I sat at my kitchen table with a weapon, I pulled the trigger, nothing. Infidelity takes the very breath from your lungs.

As my one year date of d-day approached I went off the deep end. I sat on railroad tracks with my phone blowing up from my therapist and wife. This is what you have brought upon your husband, and yet you still work with OM. My suggestion, take a two week vacation, find any job you can and go back and quit. Have some empathy for your husband, do what needs to be done.

You need to make your husband feel safe, recognize his triggers. Be there for him when he is hurting, help him find his way back. You should be wanting to crawl into a gopher hole from embarrassment if you see OM, not work with him. Is the OM married? Did your husband expose to OMW? Did you stop this exposure? Have you told anyone of your affair?

You have a great deal of work ahead of you. I bet you're thinking I'm being harsh, I'm not, I'm being truthful. Your husband is in hell, you put him there, how do you plan to help him heal? If he had the affair what would you want? You need to be vulnerable to him, extend your heart in your hands to him. Tell him your fears, explain why you chose to do what you did. Answer all his questions no matter how many times he asks.

I'll gladly help you, but you need to get serious about a new job, like yesterday. Good luck to you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#19 ·
We had a talk last night and I asked him if me being at my job was causing triggers for him and I offered to quit ASAP. He told me my job wasn't really the problem but that the one year anniversary and the reminders of how crappy things were last year at this time is making it awful. He said he knows things will get better and we'll move forward but it will take time.

I did not get that close to OM - he's not married and nothing came out after it ended. With the OM, it was more of him expressing affection for me and then me not shutting it down. He always would say he knew I was married and that he missed his chance and he was emailing me a lot and coming to my office to chat. We never had deep conversations about anything and never talked about a "relationship." The point is, he was a male who was not my husband and as much as I tried to justify it was a close friendship, it wasn't appropriate. My husband though, I don't think he believes that it was just this. He thinks it was more and I have no proof to give him that it wasn't. His trust in me is shattered. I have offered to take a lie detector test, to read my emails, etc. but he doesn't want to.

As of now, I rarely see OM at work since my company is so large. If I have to have a work discussion with him (we are on the same team but he sits on another floor), I tell my husband.
 
#24 ·
Your post really got to me yesterday, it mirrors virtually what my wife did/didn't do....... only difference was I had the
satisfaction of seeing the POS leave the country with his wife and children shortly after even though my wife finished
her highly paid job.

She left and acquired a position with a more regional company to be closer to me as her job took her away sometimes
when the board was meeting in London/Germany
That was her decision as by that time he had resigned and fled to France

His trust will start to come back but very very slowly and if he's anything like me he will occasionally go through periods
of checking minutely what you say and even have little panic attacks if some thing happens relating to work...if your late
home etc. even though you may have phoned/texted him you will be late

Biggest thing is own what you did and never try to justify it..you let it go too far .......period.....your fault....not POS

Its been twenty nine months since I found out and some days its like last week....though the pain is less I do wonder if I
will ever be able to trust her FULLY again...and by simply asking that question of myself after such a long time I think I
know the answer
 
#20 ·
Listen...

I'm not sure that he's being 100% transparent about the job thing.

But I'm actually more worried about your startling lack of empathy about the whole thing. And not mate guarding yourself.

There are millions of jobs out there. Go find a different one. If not for him, for yourself. Zero contact is, like, a requirement for reconciliation. And I wonder why you dance around justifying the lack of that.
 
#21 ·
Oh yes, I am definitely getting a new job - as soon as I possibly can. After hearing so many people say this needs to happen for full reconciliation, I am convinced. I applied to three jobs yesterday and am looking again today. Trust me, I have a ton of empathy in this situation. This is the worst mistake of my life and I have to live with that. I never realized how a relationship with the other gender could be such a slippery slope and I would never put myself in this type of situation again.

Also, last night I offered to quit and stay home (and look for a new job) and my husband said that even if I did that, he wasn't sure he could trust me at home and he'd be wondering what I was doing during the day. This was, for some reason, shocking to me - as if he thinks I have an addiction or something? I'm not even a social person, I wasn't looking for anything and after everything that has happened how could I be so stupid to ever do something like this again? Trust me, I have learned my lesson and wish I could take back everything that ever happened with the other person.
 
#44 · (Edited)
Also, last night I offered to quit and stay home (and look for a new job) and my husband said that even if I did that, he wasn't sure he could trust me at home and he'd be wondering what I was doing during the day.
The above is the absolute truth from your husband. As far as he's concerned, you could have done the whole karma sutra with this coworker. He can't trust your word because he knows you have already lied by omission.

The fact that you are still working with this coworker is rubbing your husband's face in it. If you truly value your marriage, you should quit your job already. Everyday you spend working with this guy suggests to your husband that you might still be at it with him - in the office, in a car in the parking lot or at a nearby hotel during your lunch hour.

I would hazard a bet that this has contributed to your husband not healing and that is why you are here.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#22 ·
Affairs are addictions.

Watched my wife in an EA. She was (and can be again) very addicted to his attention. I will never trust her around him again, ever. She could be old and grey and in a wheelchair, and I wouldn't trust it.

Some of that is me, and some of that is knowing her.

If you wanted to be away from him you would be by now. So why aren't you?
 
#23 ·
The main reason I haven't left my job is because I have a really great job and have worked here for more than 10 years. I have a lot of flexibility in hours - I work from home two days a week or more, which is helpful with our kids who are school-age. I thought if I didn't see OP at work that I could continue to keep my job and still move forward. I know with a new job, I will have to prove myself again and I won't have flexibility. Also, my husband doesn't want me to travel for work and in my current job I can send other people on my behalf to travel. In a new job that won't be possible and my field typically involves a lot of travel. I am definitely away from the other person, just not away from the job.
 
#29 ·
What I heard in my mind when I read this is "it's inconvenient and I don't want to have to change jobs."

And
I am definitely away from the other person
Is contradictory with
I rarely see OM at work since my company is so large. If I have to have a work discussion with him (we are on the same team but he sits on another floor), I tell my husband
I think you're still somewhat in what's known as an "affair fog."

You're saying all the right things, but your actions say something else. And for me, only actions matter.

If you wanted to be away from this man, you would be.

If you valued how your husband feels more than you value your flexibility.

If you valued your marriage more than you value your seniority.

If you don't want to travel, you wouldn't have to.

There are millions of jobs out there. You have one husband and one affair partner.

Make a choice. I think the symbol of that choice, and the one that you are making, is huge.

Even if that isn't currently his trigger.
 
#25 ·
Thanks G.J. - your post gives me some hope. I definitely own what I did and regret it every second. If your wife's story is like mine, then I think you will be able to trust her. There is a line in relationships with coworkers and I learned how easily that could be blurred. It is an awful lesson and one that won't be forgotten. And the worst part is, the whole thing with my coworker was so stupid and so meaningless and to have caused so much pain and damage to my H is unfathomable. I am sure your wife has incredible guilt over not only what she did but also for what she did to you.
 
#26 ·
The anniversary is called a trigger. Pretty simple actually. You may do something MORE than what he says is enough. Look a little (or a lot more) harder for a job then quit and take it. IF you really want to do something more. Chances are that time will take care of most things, although it will never go away, but you could show your priority to be him and your marriage. It is called the "heavy lifting". IMO
 
#27 ·
Please share some of the habits changed or added to build your relationship. Part of the issue, if I was your H, would be the shift of wanting to do something out of love rather then "do it or else." If he truly treasured your relationship the mind games start did I do it right, what I am I missing, is today she walks ? Then human nature kicks into survivor mode causing a person to distance themselves from potentail pain.

I do think you have empathy and with the job market tight it makes it rough. But that issue is one of many, some realized and some unknown, waiting in line currently being over shadowed. This is why reconciliation cab take time. His attitude many be based on two factors: the family economic reality and a mix of personal issues. Perhaps Marduk"s comment can be meet by you with a discussion of the personal reasons why he says something he dosn't believe.

Empathy, understanding, action leads to grace. Grace: do you know the story of two sets of footprints in tne sand, then only one set?
 
#28 ·
Hristo2015

I have read my post above and I would like to apologize if you took offense to what I wrote. I was in a bad place yesterday and was harsh to someone who genuinely wanted help. So my help is this.

Intensify your job search efforts, I too thought I would be strong enough to handle this, I wasn't. Continuing to work with OM is a ticking time bomb, a risk not needed to be taken by you. You need to make your husband feel safe. Because of the date approaching your husband is being flooded with thoughts and emotions. Comfort him.

His pain is going to increase and every little thing you did during this time is under a microscope. Every ounce of pain felt on d-day returns and crushes you. Triggers seem to come constantly, and last longer. He will need your help, as I needed my wife's help.

Your husband knows you welcomed the advances of OM. This is a very hurtful and destroying event to a man. He may feel emasculated that you accepted these advances without any thought of him. You never shut down the OM from an invasion into your marriage. What do you think your husband thinks will happen if this arises again? Will you go deeper underground or stop it? I can tell you he isn't thinking you will stop the advances. He doesn't have trust in you, he is alone on an island yet married.

Emotional affairs are very disturbing to a BS. I still wonder just how deep the emotional attachment was, no matter what my wife tells me. Once the trust is broken, it is very difficult for a BS to trust what a WS tells them. So basically you say anything and he probably will need to trust but verify what you say.

I wish you well in your reconciliation, it is hard work, and not for the weak. Your strength, resolve, and love are going to be tested as the date approaches. Don't let the date have power over you, you assign the power to the date as does your husband. I didn't get this when it was told to me until after the date passed. Remember this is the day your husband died, his hopes and dreams crashed to a halt as did his marriage. He will need a huge support effort by you, I hope you are up to this.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top