07-21-2011, 10:34 AM
Join Date: Mar 2010
| | Re: Just found out husband cheated while engaged...so confused on what to do!
I'm working on getting past infidelity too. No matter what, it's a hard road to travel. Your relationship will never be the same, but it's possible it can be more open, real, and honest. Our MC says everyone has a reptilian brain that is like the dark underbelly of our thoughts. Exposing that side of ourselves to another is a way to become closer. It's scary to let someone see the ugly side of yourself, especially when you don't want to see it either. It's a taste of reality that people like to pretend doesn't exist, but no one is perfect and we all screw up. Some more than others, but we all do.
Your H needs to make sure he's totally truthful now if you want to rebuild. If he did "finish" and told you he didn't to sugar coat the truth, tell him to fess up now. If he carried on with her for a few weeks, it's best to get it all on the table. If you can forgive him, let it be for everything, so he can clear his conscience. He'll feel stronger for coming clean. Hopefully there's nothing more, but it's important he's not trickle truthing or sugar coating what happened. Cheaters usually start off confessing the bare minimum in order to lesson our pain and improve their chances of forgiveness. But to rebuild trust, you need to know he's not holding back to spare you.
I think some people can get past infidelity, but I admit it's my kids that kept me around at first. Now I'm glad we're trying, because we're both learning from my H's bad decisions. Hopefully now that he's seen the devastation infidelity can cause, he will never want to see it again. Do I love him enough to live with the pain forever? It's quite possible I do, but only if he continues to be transparent and honest with me. No more screw ups, because I will not attempt forgiveness again if he can't learn from this experience.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it's so painful no matter the circumstances. You'll be on the roller coaster of emotions for awhile, totally normal. One minute you'll be thinking you can do this, the next you'll want to start over. All you can do is keep moving forward and take it day by day.