AFEH, regarding why she chose to stay with me, I think it's pretty clear. First was the kids. It's a big decision to leave your children and she is not an abandoning type of person. Second, she was scared about the financial ramifications. Even though the OM makes less money then me, he is gainfully employed with no dependents and has very little expenses. Her point on that was that she wouldn't leave me for him. She knows that wouldn't work out - she understands the 97% failure rate.
I hate to say this, but do you want her back based on her reason are based on financial motives and the desire to keep a 2 parent family?
I actually told my wife while we started to reconcile that she needed to really think about the reasons she wanted to stay married. I told her that if she was doing this because she wanted to keep the family intact or was afraid of how a divorce would be that I wouldn't want to go through the fruitless motions of reconciliation without love. It was important to me that she truly loved me and wanted to work on problems and that's why she wanted to stay married.
This goes back to one of my bullet points in my other post above. She loves me, but is working on the "in love" part. She is battling inwardly on working on the R just because of guilt or if it's really because she wants ME as her husband.
I mean, she checked out of our marriage. It took her a long time to do that. It came after years of trying to get from me what she needed and me not responding enough. When it takes someone a long time and then checks out, it takes some work to fight back from that. That is what she is working on. She is hoping that with me working extra hard to meet her needs and with her working to meet mine, she will feel all that she needs to feel. Sometimes I feel a ton of love from her. But when there is a hiccup (meaning I fail to meet her needs in one instance or she feels insecure in some way) then it disappears. It's a tough process.
This goes back to one of my bullet points in my other post above. She loves me, but is working on the "in love" part. She is battling inwardly on working on the R just because of guilt or if it's really because she wants ME as her husband.
I mean, she checked out of our marriage. It took her a long time to do that. It came after years of trying to get from me what she needed and me not responding enough. When it takes someone a long time and then checks out, it takes some work to fight back from that. That is what she is working on. She is hoping that with me working extra hard to meet her needs and with her working to meet mine, she will feel all that she needs to feel. Sometimes I feel a ton of love from her. But when there is a hiccup (meaning I fail to meet her needs in one instance or she feels insecure in some way) then it disappears. It's a tough process.
I’ve been through this and I found they don’t just “fall back in love” with you by you being a better husband. Once they check out the only sure fire way for them to get the passion back is the fear of losing you. They can’t force themselves to feel the passion again and when it doesn’t happen they end up giving up and leaving.
This won’t be a popular opinion but I’d say to re-awaken the passion for the M, you need to give up on it. Once she sees you are pulling away and she will lose you she will start to think about what she is losing and may panic.
“You don’t know what you got until it’s gone” they say. I think she is taken the M for granted and hasn’t giving actually losing you serious thought.
Sorry Juan - I don't buy that. Marriages where separation occurs after an A are statistically less likely to ever make it. I got that from doctor. A straight out discussion on this topic is about all that can be done and then there needs to be a 100% effort by both. Even if that occurs, there is still a chance it may not last. But the chance has to be taken 100% by both. Threatening divorce only gets a decision made under duress, not a realistic approach. They already are trying. All they can do is bring all of the possible professional support like MC, IC and coaching to plan to try and make sure they are successful. There is absolutely NO SENSE in threatening divorce until you fully prepared to file and follow it through to the end. It appears neither one is in that position.
Gabriel it takes time for both of you to rebuild your love. I keep saying and will say it again - fast is slow, smooth and careful is quick. Your changes and her acceptance of them as being permanent takes time. There will be mistakes by both of you and set backs. If you keep pushing forward and working to resolve the mistakes and do the right things it will be noticed, accepted and believed to be permanent so long as neither of you slips back into old habits and ways. BOTH of you need to change and grow.
When is your first MC and IC appointments? I saw in a previous post she was willing. If you haven't set them up yet....why the H not? ALl of these things take time. The longer you wait to get started the harder it will be!
Juan I appreciate your POV but 8 years is closer to the truth on this one. My W has said flat out, "I've thought about what it would be like to divorce, telling the kids, splitting everything up, and it makes me so sad. I thought about dropping the kids off for your turn, etc, and how much I would miss them, and you."
If you read above in this thread you will see that she is not very willing to go to MC or IC. But I am.
She feels if MC doesn't work we would be finished, and that scares her to the point she doesn't want to go. Also, she was groped/violated by her father when she was 14 and she has never really resolved how that has affected her life. She isn't capable of facing that with IC, even now.
I have already contacted a counselor who does MC and IC so that I can go and work on my role. I can't control her desire to come with me. She may come around to joining me if I really like going and she sees that it's working for me.
I interviewed this counselor and asked a LOT of questions. She gave good responses and I've decided to book 1 appt and see what I think - shooting for Aug 4th for that appt.
>>she told the OM during their EA that if she ever left me it wouldn't be for him, but to get herself right.
I think this is self delusion. It helped her justify what she was doing. If she were already in the process and planned a divorce, maybe. But in this case I think it is bull. Posted via Mobile Device
BTW, I don't necessarily believe you have to drudge up details. You can discuss what often happens with the behaviours of someone who was sexually abused. And you can discuss new ways of thinking.
A therapist won't go where you don't want them to go. Posted via Mobile Device
ClipClop - those are decent points, especially the 2nd one. But on the first one, I admit, I always doubted she wouldn't just run to him if we ended in D. She said she thought it would ruin her friendship with him over time. She valued that friendship more than the love part. But I still think that the instant one of us decided to D instead of R, she would reopen contact with him, if only for the support. She wouldn't get physical with him until the D happened - that part I believe - it's just not who she is to do that.
If we end up in D, my guess is she would reopen the friendship with him, but keep him at an emotional distance for awhile, maybe 6-12 months. Then she would decide if it was worth doing anything beyond that, given her life at the time. She has no delusions about him being a step dad or anything like that. He couldn't handle it.
Re: Am I overreacting? 
