twostrikes

D-Day was mid June for the ww. Facebook, Skype, text EA went PA. I found out, confronted, then lots of remorse, crying, etc., and a promise of no contact. I was very clear that there would be two people in this marriage, no interlopers, and that I would not live in a state of distrust. Despite the promise, and after she blocked the OM from all accounts, three weeks later she unblocked the FB account and a week later sent an em to the om basically instigating future contact while acknowledging to the om that this violated the NC promise. I know this is going by the book and I kind of expected it but hoped otherwise. So far all that has happened is the OM, who is long distance, has said she could call in response. I know for a fact it has not gone beyond this, but of course it will re-ignite if I don't shut it down. I guess the fog persists and I will confront and enforce 1) no contact letter; 2) full account transparency (I caught her again bc her laptop was left open), if not complete FB shutdown); 3) any further violation will result in divorce. I guess I am really posting this to document this commitment to myself, but I would be interested in any further comments/advice. By the way, I have the om contact and work information, but he is not married. We have three kids. I have told her I am staying for her regardless of the kids, but that the kids won't keep me (as I will try for full custody).

Cypress

I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like she wants to reignite the affair. Was she doing any of the heavy lifting to save the marriage? If not, I would tell her its over, get a lawyer, have the divorce papers drawn up and get them served to her.

Then see what her reaction is.

twostrikes

She was working pretty hard and there has been far more affection in both directions, due to being unplugged from the OM contact. She seemed almost back to normal, but apparently is addicted to the rush. I am going to tell her the first strike was for her, the second will be for the kids, and the third will result in D. There are anti depressants invlolved that may be thickening the fog, but there will be no more chances. I will ask her tonight whether she has had contact and if I get a lie, that may be the end anyway. Since the OM did not resist even though she told him she was not supposed to contact him at all, his employer's personnel office may be receiving a copy of some risque chats made during work hours.
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Gabriel

Laying down the law is the only way, and you are doing that. I think giving her the one screw up on the NC is okay, but don't give her two screw ups on that because then it's a pattern.

The NC gets easier over time, I've been told. My WW broke the NC one weekend via a bunch of texts, 3 weeks after DDay. I found out (miraculously), threatened D if she ever broke it again. She's gone 6 weeks sober now and counting.

I suppose if she got to a point where she gave up on the marriage, she might violate it again. But then the path is clear. It is over.

sigma1299

If I read that right you caught the violation of NC? If that's the case it changes my response. I'm the wayward and I broke NC three times before I finally managed to get my OW out of my life. The first time I told my wife immediately after it happened, the second I had my wife's advance approval, and the third I kept concealed for about a week until I finally woke her up at 2am to confess. I have let my wife read everything the OW has sent me post D Day and been as upfront and honest as I know how to be. I slipped a couple of times but my heart and intentions were in the right place. I guess to me that's the difference. If she genuinely wants to reconcile and slipped up and confessed it to you, that's far different from reestablishing contact and getting caught. Just my $.02

jnj express

Your wife obviously doesn't respect you, her kids, or the mge, to hold the NC

She broke it for any # of reasons---bottom line she broke it

If you want this mge---forget telling her about the 3 strikes---you can keep those in the back of your mind------Its time to kick her out of her obsession------Use a BLUFF----go online, and print out a blank Divorce packet------then leave it lying around the house where she will have to find it------I guarantee you---if she wants her mge to work---this will wake her up-----it won't cost you one dime, and it will bring her into reality so fast, you won't believe it---but you must play the bluff out, as if you have had enuff, with her breaking contact--Plan out what you would tell her, using the tact that you have had enuff, and its time for this mge to end, at least that seems to be her attitude toward everything---(words something like that, or whatever you decide to say)----see how it all plays out

I promise you BOTTOM LINE, when reality kicks in, she knows that she will not/can not end up with her lover-----that is a dead end, and she knows it, you just have to force her into seeing it

In your bluff, you also might say to her----why don't you go live with your lover---see if he can afford to take care of you, as I have taken care of you----see how things will be with him, after the hot passion has worn out----stress to her---she REALLY doesn't even know one da*n thing about him, except for what ever lies he has told her-----Bluff her---you will get the results you want----BOTTOM LINE SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANNA LEAVE HER MGE----she is just at Disneyland, and its time for her to be BROT home!!!!!!!!

Almostrecovered

my wife had one slip up a month later after dday while she was drunk and made a call to the OM- she felt bad about it (and thankfully he didn't call back) and told me within an hour of it happening (and she didn't have to either, as she "borrowed" an unsuspecting friend's phone). After I calmed down (probably the only time during our R that I "lost it") I let her know that would be her one and only mulligan.

2xloser

I'll be the minority voice here, but for me, attempting R is forgiving that 'mulligan', and I am finding that hard enough. He breaking NC and not coming clean on it immediately afterward, then getting caught, would be essentially taken by me as her deciding on D; him over me. Plain & simple -- because that is every discussion that has happened on the subject - break NC, it's over right then & there; this is your one chance, yada yada yada... so I guess it depends on what agreement around NC has been stated as to whether she gets a mulligan. Fortunately for you, your mind is made up and that's good and I do not judge nor challenge it. Good for you.

Now granted, I essentially said the same *before* her A ("have an affair, and I will leave"), so it can be looked at as spineless to even attempt R, I suppose. But I will not be the only one working at R, and breaking NC is NOT working at R 100% the way she needs to.

Forsaken

In hind sight, when I found out the OM was trying to contact my W and she lied to me about it, I wish now that I would have just went back over everything with her about how I wouldn't put up with it again and then waited to see if it happened again and call her out on both especially if she lied to me again.

The thing is you have knowledge now and as they say knowledge is power. If you reveal how you knew, there's a chance at all of this going underground, whereas you know right now that they are talking so if you just say "so have you talked to the OM or has the OM tried to contact you?" and she says no, then just go back over everything and let her know that you want absolutely NC and if any kind of communication happens at all you will just serve her papers.

It will suck cuz you will have to deal with her lying to you, and hell it may even eat her up till she is truthful about lying. You have a good hand right now, don't fold your cards just yet.

jnj express

Hey 2x----I agree with you---I think most start out with the idea that if there is adultery, then the mge. is over---end of discussion---then REALITY kicks in

Unless you have zero tolerance, or just can't /won't be with the straying spouse anymore, or the cheating was so monstrous, that you have to leave------------

It is extremely hard to just uproot everyone's lives and split things up-------if there are kids---that must be dealt with----property must be dealt with, finances and jobs, and retirement, factor in,------and biggest of all---the lives of the spouses now change forever---and that in itself entails all kinds of consequences, and depending upon the age of the spouses some just don't wanna face the leaving, and going out into the big world as a single, at this time in their life

Some just stay and suffer in misery, live like roommates, for any of the above reasons----

Many mge's do get rebuilt, and the spouses say things are wonderful---but I wonder---deep down how the betrayed spouse handles things----they may say things are good---but I think they are always wary, and looking over their shoulder for the rest of their married lives

twostrikes

I have left papers around about the pros and cons of leaving. Maybe divorce forms will help. If she tells the truth, we will have full transparency rather than selective account blocking, since that did not work. The other day she was complaining about how i shut all credit cards %(except for a small limit emergency card)and told me my money was OUR money. Well guess what, your facebook acct is OUR account now.
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ManDup

Very good. Well played sir. You're not entitled to privacy if I'm not entitled to all my earnings. Particularly after you cheat, and violate NC, but that's beside the point. Of course cheaters want privacy, so they can continue the affair! If they didn't need privacy, they wouldn't want it so badly. It's all rationalization. I was a one-and-doner myself, but that was because it was so egregious, and she wouldn't stop. Once I actually filed the papers she finally began to reconsider, but I had made up my mind by then and saw it as more manipulation and desire for cake-eating.

8yearscheating

COntact his employer but don't send the messages unless they ask for proof. He ahs to know you will take him task if it gets going again and there will be holes barred. If she complains you've done it, you will know she is still in contact.