just not sure if its worth it

confusedlady · 07-25-2011, 03:29 PM

I have been have been married for 5 yrs, together 7.our marriage has not been the best he travels alot and is home maybe once or twice a month.So i am just used to taking care of things myself because he started this type of business a month before we got married and has been in and out of several different companies. blah blah blah basically he is always gone and i am always home with our two children who are two and four. Live in a decent rent house with one vehicle, which is about had it because it has been to the moon and back, no insurance and on food stamps. bottom line i figured we would be stable enough to buy our own groceries by now. which is not just a recent problem it has been this way since we first got married living with some one or vise versa at one point or another. just tired of the lifestyle. I am posting here because i have been txting someone and a few other things for the last seven months i know i should not be having an affair but he makes me feel like i can conquere the world and tells me how he dosent understand why i put up with my husbands crap. i have tried three or four times to just quit the whole thing but i cant seem to stay away. idk if its just lust or if there is really something there. My husband knows that i was having an affair and is trying everything to make me happy but after a few weeks it will go back to the same ol crap its been done a billion times and is already heading that way. he also admitted to having seven affairs while i pregnant with our first child. but it was pay back for the first affair i had a couple of months after we had gotten married. now i will add this in that my husband was the first guy i ever had sex with and i know that the wonder of someone else is a play in all this too. we are trying to wrok things out but idk if i want this life anymore. not because some else is there for me to tell me all the nice things but because i want a better life for me and my daughters which he has opened my eyes to. like going to school, working and doing its ALL by myself to get away from all the negativity of my husband and his friends and family. which some of them my husband included are pot heads, which i dont have a big problem with but i dont smoke,drink or do drugs and i really dont want my kids exsposed to it all.

sigma1299 · 07-25-2011, 05:58 PM

Wow - you've got a whole load of issues their. You get married, you cheat, your husband cheats in retaliation and now your having an emotional affair - all in five years - whew - the two of you put a lot into pissing on each other's leg. I think first you have to end the EA to get your thinking clear, second you have to decide if you want to stay married to your H or not. Assuming you decided you want to stay married to him I think the two of you have got to throw the old marriage out the window and start over with LOTS of counseling if you're to have any chance.

I will point out that not once in your post did you say you love your husband...

amillionpieces85 · 07-25-2011, 06:55 PM

I agree 100% with Sigma. The first thing you need to do is end this affair you're in so that you can clear your mind as to what's best for you. You are one confused lady! And so is your spouse! He did not cheat for revenge, that was just his excuse. Good luck getting everything together. Keep us posted!

confusedlady · 07-25-2011, 11:48 PM

alright thank you guys so much i decided to end the ea earlier i asked my friend what he wanted out of the whole thing and he said he hadnt thought about it that far because i was married so i took as i am just a piece of a**. time to start figuring things out with the H! i will deff keep ya posted!!! i have the feeling im going to need some support on staying away from ea and working it out with H.

sigma1299 · 07-26-2011, 08:48 AM

You will very likely need help and support to maintain NC with your AP, especially given that your marriage is otherwise in shambles. I never could have walked away from the OW in my EA without the help and support of my wife. Take a deep breath, suck it up and do the right thing - you will be better for it in the end.

Lots of support here if you need it. Good Luck.

Jellybeans · 07-26-2011, 09:12 AM

Block EA guys' # from your phone (you can do this via your phone carrier or even phone carrier's website) and block him from your emails. If you want you can tell him beforehand: no more contact because I'm workong on my marriage or you can just do it cold turkey.

You and husband have to stop doing this tit-for-tat. Either work on your marriage or move on. Without involving third (and 4th and 5th) parties.

bs193 · 07-26-2011, 04:40 PM

Now I am confused. You described an EA in this thread but your other thread indicates a PA, stating he comes over and something sexual always occurs.

Either commit to working on your marriage or leave your husband. Either way, he should be told about this affair. The decision as to whether or not to make the marriage work is his choice too, and it is only right that he know everything before he makes it.

lordmayhem · 07-26-2011, 04:50 PM

I'm confused also. From your other thread:

Quote:

Originally Posted by confusedlady

This guy txts me all day everyday, compliments me tells me he really cares for me that i should live life to the fullest encourages me to go to school, or work or what ever i want to do. but comes over to hang out and we always end up doing something sexual.

Yet here you say it's an EA. Are you trying to minimize what you're doing?

You state that you had an A because your H was always gone on business. You know that's no excuse. Then he had a RA. And now you're back to a PA with some guy who feeds you all the classic cheater lines just so he wants to bang you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confusedlady

not because some else is there for me to tell me all the nice things but because i want a better life for me and my daughters which he has opened my eyes to. like going to school, working and doing its ALL by myself to get away from all the negativity of my husband and his friends and family.

And who fed you all these lines? OM of course.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confusedlady

alright thank you guys so much i decided to end the ea earlier i asked my friend what he wanted out of the whole thing and he said he hadnt thought about it that far because i was married so i took as i am just a piece of a**. time to start figuring things out with the H! i will deff keep ya posted!!! i have the feeling im going to need some support on staying away from ea and working it out with H.

Please don't say it was an EA only, you went all the way with the OM in your thread in the other forum. Of course you don't have a future with OM, you realize now that he fed you the lines and you were just an easy piece of ass to him. So all of a sudden now you want to work it out with your H, that you call a pot head and so is his family. Apparently this pot head H of yours makes enough money where you can stay at home and dont have to work.

If you want R with your H, you had better confess this latest A to your H, and don't lie and minimize! Full disclosure! Did you bang the OM in the marital bed? If so, you better disclose that to your H too.

lordmayhem · 07-26-2011, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

Block EA guys' # from your phone (you can do this via your phone carrier or even phone carrier's website) and block him from your emails. If you want you can tell him beforehand: no more contact because I'm workong on my marriage or you can just do it cold turkey.

That and she should probably stop inviting the OM over for sex. Might be tough though as she said.

confusedlady · 08-31-2011, 09:12 PM

Lol well we are working on it things are going pretty good and no I did not bang the OM in the marital bed just the couch and on the coffee table. And my H knew about everything already when I wrote all these posts. I stopped talking etc to the OM period the day of my post. The only problem we have had lately is that I did find recent emails from my H to the girl he cheated on me with before, asking her for nude pics. Yes I got upset of course because we are supposed to be working on things but, I got over it it sure wasnt as bad as what I did. And kinda expected something like that in return anyways. But were doing good other than that now so I'm happy. And as for my H he has always wanted to work everything out no matter what I'm the one who was so confused then.
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Geoffrey Marsh · 09-01-2011, 12:06 AM

confusedlady,

ok..hmmmm...here's the deal.

The reason why everything is so confusing is because both you and your husband have thrown so many logs on the fire I'm surprised you guys haven't been burnt to a crisp. Yet..don't despair..there is hope if you both are willing to do the work.

With that being said. Your original title was "just not sure if its worth it?"

Well that depends. If you two stay together and:
1. Stop all cheating now and forever
2. Address the need for a career change..so he's around everyday and you have a little more stability.
3. Work through all the healing required
4. become a strong, stable and healthy partnership (marriage)

Then yes its worth it.

If you two stay the same and just give lip service to "we are working on it"

Then no..it's not worth it.

MrQuatto · 09-01-2011, 03:38 PM

Considering the financial situation, are you working anywhere? Perhaps time out of the house, working even part time, may be the change of pace you need to both help the family financial situation and relieve you of all the household issues. Even if it is a break even between child care and pay, the fact you leave the "Box" for a while each day can make a huge difference.

Q~