2 weeks ago I found out my husband of almost 20 yrs has been having an affair for well over 10 months. We has been dating since I was 18. We do not have children. He has been lying on Friday evenings, saying he is hanging with the boys, but of course he was going somewhere totally different. When I confronted him on my findings, of course he did the typical, started lying, only a friend, then it turned into I have seen her maybe 6 times...and so on. Of course my initial reaction was that I was disgusted and hurt but he put the blame on me. I have read so much online the past 2 weeks and see that this is a typical reaction. He of course threw it all on my shoulders and said - well what do you want to do? I refuse to make a rash decision about my marriage, however, I really do not know if I can ever forgive him 100%. I am trying to use this time to re-evaluate my life and take my time doing it. I have invested 20yrs of my life with this man, another few months will not make the difference. I am just feeling lost some days and others I am ready to get up and walk away. I guess one of my issues is - he says he immediately ended it and says this opened his eyes and he does not care for this woman at all. I just have a really difficult time with trust and now I have lost faith as well. Help!
(((hugs)))
I'm pretty new here myself. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but I think it is a good idea not to make any rash decisions right away while the wounds are still fresh. Other people will have better insight than me, but know I am here if you wanna vent.
Good luck.
Read here, learn. Yes, this happens a lot and your story unfortunately can almost be scripted (the more you read here, the more you will learn how true that is).
Yes, it can get worked out -- but will never be the same, and will not work itself out. You both have to work at it, over a long period, and it's hard.
Like jellybeans said, verify everything, trust nothing.
Making no rash decisions while under duress is wise. BUT, having two plans -- one to leave and one to stay -- is even wiser. You may discover things that become deal-breakers for you. If so, you should have a plan for what you will do under those circumstances, one that you can eaasily follow when things get really crazy, because you've thought it through in advance.
Sorry you are here in the club nobody wants to belong to, and good luck to you.
Virtually no wayward ever successfully "immediately" ends it. It is very difficult to just cut off an affair cold turkey. Unless he's given you full transparency and you can verify that he's maintaining no contact I wouldn't be comfortable that it's really over. It took seven months after my D Day to successfully establish full no contact with the OW. I did somethings wrong, but I wanted to reconcile, I wanted out of my affair - I told my wife every time I received any communication from OW and it still took that long. Affairs are very very hard to kill.
It is solely his job to give you whatever you need to begin to reestablish trust, not yours to trust him implicitly - he forfeited the right to implicit trust when he cheated on you.
Thank you everyone, your words and support mean a lot to me. I do have a difficult time believing that he ended it that quick with no communications going on at all. He has not given me full transparency, as I have just kept low-key in the last week or so, trying to think things through. This might not be the best way to go about it, but it's how I feel at the moment. When all this came out and I had questions, he wouldn't give up much information, which leads me to believe that he is protecting his relationship in case I leave, he has his security blanket. He claims this as untrue...
It's called cake eating and it means just what you think it does - he's trying to have his cake and eat it to. Based on your last post it is not over but has likely gone deeper underground thereby making it harder for you to out. You're going to have to hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and you will not live with three people in your marriage.
Until he gives you full transparency, the whole truth and nothing but, goes full no contact, and stops protecting his affair partner it's still going on.
Until he gives you full transparency, the whole truth and nothing but, goes full no contact, and stops protecting his affair partner it's still going on.
When her phone number first appeared on his cell records on VALENTINES DAY @ 8AM, I questioned the call to his coworker and he gave an excellent excuse. What I should have done was insist he call again and ask some fake work related question and put her on speaker. NOW I know but at that time I believed him. What can be done at this point? I stopped looking after seeing him drive near her home on his Smartphone GPS and once again, he had a good excuse. If you have something helpful to share, please do. I am still angry and am planning my exit before the holidays. Thanks!
I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and trying to wrap my brain around everything. He seems as though all is forgotten, and this is really unbelievable to me! I am confused as to what my next steps should be. Just sit him down and hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and should respond to every single question I have?
I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and trying to wrap my brain around everything. He seems as though all is forgotten, and this is really unbelievable to me! I am confused as to what my next steps should be. Just sit him down and hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and should respond to every single question I have?
yes
if you're willing to work it out then he does too
without the following you can't work it out
1) No contact whatsoever, if she calls him or emails, etc, he needs to ignore and tell you about it right away
2) Complete transparency, he must allow you access to everything, passwords, emails, phone records, etc He needs to allow you to snoop to your heart's content.
3) he show must show true remorse and answer any and all questions you have truthfully and repeatedly, he must not sweep this under the rug
other options include complete exposure of the OW and a polygraph
without that, you are just spinning your wheels as he is either still trying to protect the affair and will have another or is still in the affair
Don't believe for a minute that its over, he and OW may be laying low while things blow over, which is what they're hoping. Install monitoring software and you might want to look for an affair phone. Also consider using a VAR and stick it under his car seat. A GPS is also a good idea.
Here are some posts in a thread about affair phones in a forum from a support site for cheating women:
“That's why he has a pay as you go phone! No bills for W to find - but if ever she got hold of the phone...........! We will be soooooo busted!!!”
“same here...he has several hiding places he keeps it& he'll move it around every so often but really it's only home w/ him on sunday-tuesday. then he's off on the road and doesn't have to worry about it. Except one time he was on his regular phone w/ her..and I called him (normally he has it on vibrate) and it started ringing and she was like "who's phone is that?" and OMG he almost got seriously busted a while back. She was talkin to him on the phone and he had "our' phone laying on his chest..he was lyain down in his bunk on the bus. She said "XX (the kid) wants you to take a picture and send it to him"..so he took a picture of himself...and she calls back and was like "who's phone is that in the pic?" he was like "huh?" looks at it and realizes like an idiot he left the phone on his chest. He said "oh that is XX (band mate), he had to use my charger and I told him it was charged and was waitin for him to get it.." surprisingly she believed him ha! that was a close one...”
“I am sorry you are going through this ....as XXXX said be VERY careful....even if you get a call from his mobile or home nunber...let him speak 1st (tell him that this is what you are doing so he does speak) as she may do a redial or something from HIS phone”
“Dont contact him 1st at any time.... she will be on red alert....and there are so many gadgets out there now to help someone who wants to spy on another person...like putting key loggers on the computer”
“Him phoning you from work on a work line should be a safe way to chat...but for awhile be REALLY careful with texts...if you do send any...keep them 'normal' no love or sexual texts”
“Good luck I hope it all blows over”
“It may be a good idea for him to have you listed on his phone in a male name not under your name”
“My MM's W went through his old phone and found photos, e-mails and VMs going back years - before me and after me.”
“He has also had my picture as caller ID - and it was seen a few times before this final phone d-day. Now he has a fingerprint scan locking application on his new phone.”
“He had no choice but to fess up to everything. We are riding it out - and he is finally being more careful.”
I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and trying to wrap my brain around everything. He seems as though all is forgotten, and this is really unbelievable to me! I am confused as to what my next steps should be. Just sit him down and hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and should respond to every single question I have?
Yes! If he's ended it fully and completely, and wants to remain married to you, he will have no trouble nor problem with showing you and verifying for you, and providing you with full transparency to everything you want.
I get the impression that he doesn't quite grasp how big a deal this is, and is sort of rugsweeping what he has done... he needs to understand that you *will* walk away if he won't work through this with you (assuming that is true, of course...), and work at the healing you need, with his total and complete understanding and support.
"Hitting him hard", I think is exactly this, making him understand that you are at a crossroads and a turning point one way or the other. Repeating my earlier post, having a plan for what you will do if he's not willing, cooperative, or open about this need is key to being able to turn and walk, either permanently or to show him just how injured you are, and how serious you are about not living with his behavior.
You sound so like me when I first found out. What do I do ? Sadly, not just like me, but almost every one of us here. It is a long bummy road of emotions unlike anything I have ever experienced as far as deep soul searching.
he says he's ended it 
