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Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

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#4 ·
Well, I went through similar with X and his EA. I was divorced last week. X went nuts on me, literally. Dyeing his moustache, buying a motorcycle, texting like a madman. He was a madman. Lost his mind and was in the fog.

I would crack everything and anything. There is no need for you to lose your mind because the cheater will lie lie lie and why should you doubt your sanity for that selfishness?

I cracked his cell phone and called the number and confirmed the name of the person he was texting and calling. You know, he still lied about it up to our divorce of last week. Still pretending it was a figment of my imagination. Selfish, selfish.

Sometimes life is difficult and I know I know we learn from pain but I could do without some of it.

Good luck and verify.
 
#5 ·
I already know his full name.. She said he is married and he is over 20 years her senior.. She even used the 'He is really old and married, thats just gross' line with me. The reason I posted this today is because yesterday she accused me of looking at her email again. Honestly, if there was nothing going on - why would she be so paranoid? I asked her that, and she just said that she didnt want to feel like she was being watched all the time. I just think that she feels that its not cheating if they are just 'penpals'. I dont feel super threatened by the guy since he is so far away - but she has the chance to possibly work with him again in the future, and I dont like thinking about all those fantasies I read about in her mail to come true one day.. I particularly didnt like the 'I wish I could have come and visited you in your hotel room' blah blah blah... Its driving me crazy. Im going to ask her when I get home today if I could see her email. If she declines, I will know.
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#29 ·
She said he is married and he is over 20 years her senior.. She even used the 'He is really old and married, thats just gross' line with me.
The OM in my case was also 20 yrs older and married, I actually laughed when I was first told because I thought it was a joke. I'm also in IT lol.

It stopped being funny rather quickly. They always affair down.

Listen to what Gabriel wrote. You already know everything and getting her to confuse will be frustrating. She'll confess when she feels remorse and as narcissistic as she sounds I doubt that will happen anytime soon.

Her = kick->curb
 
#6 · (Edited)
time to nip this affair in the bud

as long as she has the safety and luxury of a marriage and also continue the affair with perks she wants she will never do what you need to get past this and heal

she is in what we call an affair fog

you have more than enough proof

let her know that her privacy has now become null and void or else you file for divorce

she needs to agree to the following-

1) NO CONTACT. also send a no contact email to the OM
if the OM contects her, she must ignore it and tell you right away
2) complete transparency- take the password off the phone or give up all passwords, skype accts, facebook, email, etc etc
she must allow you to snoop to your hearts content to verify everything she tells you
3) she must answer and all questions you have about the affair truthfully and show true remorse


I know divorce sounds harsh but either you get her out of the fog and have her do the things that you need to heal and work on the marriage in an open and honest way with communication or else you have a non-willing participant and the marriage is doomed to fail anyways
 
#7 ·
I guarantee they are still in contact - beyond a shadow of a doubt. There is no such thing as "staying friends" with your affair partner. I told my wife this same bull sh!t after D Day - I believed it at the time but now I know what an utter crock it really is. They can't do it even if they really wanted to and it's unfair to you.

I'm not sure I'd crack her email but rather demand that she give full access and transparency voluntarily. If she does I'd still install key logger software and do everything else I could to verify it was dead, if she doesn't I'd tell her to go pack. I like the idea of cc'ing you on the no contact email - that's text book for the betrayed spouse to end the affair. These things are very hard to kill. Until she wants to give it up she will continue to resist and fight you on killing it. Even when she does want to give it up, it will still be hard - it is very much like a drug.
 
#12 ·
Should I email the guy and tell him to please stop talking to my wife as it is putting a dent in our marriage? Ive got his work address - so I suppose I could send a physical polite letter to that office (which will probably scare the **** out of him). I would never be threatening - i will just state that my wife's dishonesty has forced me to play this hand and that he should not be speaking to my wife AT ALL.. I would have been fine if they were friends - but it has grown to be more than that so their ability to be friends is no more. Should I tell her parents and friends that I am worried that she is having an affair?
 
#8 ·
You have been betrayed emotionally. It is called an emotional affair. She has invited another person into your marriage and marriage is two NOT three.

You will continue to rationalize because the truth, of which you know very well, is too painful.

Think of it this way, if you saw this in a movie or read it in a book what would you really think? That is what is happening to you.

Trust is very important and you no longer trust with very good reason. Talk to her about this, demand that she stop this EA NOW if she loves and respects you, marriage counseling may help. But if she refuses, you know what to do for your own sanity and self respect.
 
#9 ·
Same thing for me!!! Let me put my name in the hat.
Texting (100+ a week), Facebook/Myspace "justafriend".

Now, its all about how we had problems long before that, and it was simply a product of the troubles our marriage had....

Time to make a plan. This was my boundary, my deal breaker.
 
#10 ·
This is not just an affair, it is a behavior habit with her. If you end this EA she will restart with someone else. She needs the attention and until she addresses that with a trained professional this cycle will continue until you finally have had enough and end the marriage. There is more than enough smoking gun to convict. She needs to own up, get help or get out. She's on a bad path and taking you along for the ride.
 
#14 ·
First - don't be worried that she's having an affair - she is - period.

Regarding contacting the OM and her family. There are varying opinions here. It will do the following: First it will piss your wife off royally. She will likely call you things you've never dreamed of. Second, unless you have proof her family may well not believe you and they may rally around her and paint you as crazy.

If she won't shut it down and give you the full truth and full transparency I'd contact the OM. I'd have some proof before I outed her to her family but I would do that too once I did.

Don't tell her in advance of doing either of these.
 
#16 ·
First - don't be worried that she's having an affair - she is - period.

Regarding contacting the OM and her family. There are varying opinions here. It will do the following: First it will piss your wife off royally. She will likely call you things you've never dreamed of. Second, unless you have proof her family may well not believe you and they may rally around her and paint you as crazy.

If she won't shut it down and give you the full truth and full transparency I'd contact the OM. I'd have some proof before I outed her to her family but I would do that too once I did.
Ive printed out about 100 damning emails.. I wont contact anyone until I check her email again.. which I am working on as we speak.
 
#20 ·
Its funny too, because after I demonstrated that I was unhappy with her behavior yesterday afternoon, and that I am still suspicious of her she has been very kissey and lovey to me last night and today .. going so far as saying how much she cares for me, and wants things to work out - and that she is really trying. All the while emailing this guy on the side. Obviously she is just being nice to me for now so I dont get suspicious.
 
#21 ·
Document it all. Copy the emails to a safe place. Confront her after the friend leaves tomorrow.
 
#23 ·
I printed out several of todays emails.. I just cant believe she sent this guy snail mail - and GIFTS. I asked her last month - what exactly do you think is going to come of this? This really sucks, because I am not an overtly jealous guy. She works with an ex boyfriend fairly closely (They even went to NYC together for a work thing) I havent thought twice about her cheating.. Now I wonder if she didnt sleep with him.

We dont have a therapy appt. till the 12th of next month..
 
#24 ·
How do I find his wife? Do you think I should email him to just 'dissapear' before saying anything to my wife - and if she comes to me made that I contacted him I hit her with all of the emails I printed out? I know he is doing all of this in secret, or else they wouldnt be using skype instead of the regular phone.
 
#25 ·
you guys can talk all you want about her needing therapy about being addicted to attention (and yes it needs to be addressed if you reconcile)

BUT YOU AREN'T GETTING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU STOP THIS AFFAIR

She will do anything and everything possible to continue this affair until you put your foot down now and let her know exactly what happens if she doesn't
 
#26 ·
I am so pissed off reading this. Here is what you need to do. Listen carefully. I can't believe Mayhem, Jelly or others haven't already said this.

You need to turn everything off, go 180 on her right now. Don't beg or plead. Tell her she can have the other guy because you are no longer an option. Offer no response to her physical advances. Only speak when spoken to. Act like you are ready to move on without her. Go to the gym. Ramp up your time with your buddies. Do all of this HARD.

From what I have read, she will come running after you and ask why you are behaving this way, or beg for attention.

When she does this, you tell her that you know she is still having an affair, even as of today, and as long as that is happening, you are not going to be an option for her attention. Tell her No Contact (NC) is the only way you will even consider trying to reconcile, and if she isn't willing to do that, you'll have to contact an attorney.

This will scare the sh*t out of her. Let her try to have her little fantasy. Just make it clear you won't be a part of it. She is cake eating - stable hubby at home, little excitement on the side. She's addicted. The only way to break that is to cut it cold turkey.

Sorry you are here. I am so angry reading what she is doing to you.
 
#28 ·
While doing the 180 , save all those mails before she deletes them , track the OM down find his wife, if he has none his girlfriend or his parents , you will need to expose the affair to them.

As for the friend coming to you tonight, tell the friend she has to go to a hotel tonight as your wife is having an affair and you need to talk to her, this way the friend knows of the affair and you can deal with your wife. Your marriage is worth more than your wifes embarrassment.

Do not wait and pretend and do not play nice , be firm, be strong know that she will lie and lie. Do not reveal how much you know and how you got the information, the script says she will take this underground so be prepared.

Request no contact and all his details , she will most likley decline, do not leave the house. Call her parents and tell them of th affair.

Track the OM down and make his life hell
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#30 ·
Hey Dis---enuff is enuff----how much evidence do you need

This is continuing on--cuz YOU ARE DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT

Read---all the websites you can about cheating---in almost every thread ---the cheater doesn't stop, until they are threatened seriously with consequences

She is married---she doesn't get to have/keep a friend she sends pics,to---she doesn't get to have a friend she sends thousands of messages to

The counseling is a waste of time and money---UNTIL SHE STOPS

Sit her down, and tell her this---you know you cannot control her life, she is an adult, and you don't wanna be her parole officer-----tell her at this point in time there are 3 people in this mge., and you will not continue on, as it is----EITHER SHE STOPS NOW IMMEDIATELY, SENDS THE E-MAIL, WITH YOU WATCHING IT GO----AND DELETES HIM FROM EVERYTHING---or you tell her you are moving on w/out her, and you will start D. proceedings tomorrow----THEN WALK AWAY----Let's see how really important this guy is to her, when her mge.is threatened

If you want added power to what you are saying---tell her you are sure she will enjoy the single, divorced, life, with her having been divorced cuz she cheated on her H.----ask her how she might like working 2 jobs to make it in the big bad world---ask her how many guys out there will take care of her and her son, as you have---once again---do not argue, do not yell, be cold and icy---when you are done walk away, in fact leave the house for a while, take a drive---let her know by your ACTIONS, you are PO'd, and tired of this crap---she either wants to be properly married, or she wants to be divorced---then she can play all the games she wants---tell her you won't be around so you won't give a da*n.

That hopefully should wake her up---if not, then you have a major problem!!!!!!
 
#33 ·
Her friend came in late last night - I did not want to get into it with her yesterday afternoon just before her friend came to stay with us. Maybe I should have, but I just didnt want to. What is so weird is, she has been putting on the 'trying to make things work' face for the last month. Yesterday/last night was no exception. I get home from the gym, after work - and she has dinner all prepared for me, she has been cleaning the house ,etc..

Then she volunteers the info 'you are my best friend, I would never want anyone but you - there's only one person I would let touch me'. She has said that before - while we were intimate: "You are the only one who could ever touch me this way" sort of thing.

The sad thing is, she says all of this out of one side of her mouth - because the moment I go to bed, she emails the guy mushy sh*t like "im thinking about you" and the guy says crap like "You make me feel so special, its been so long since I have felt this way" . Pretty standard emotional stuff. Luckily the spare room is all set up, so as soon as this friend leaves, thats where she will be sleeping. I know for a fact she wont send him a no contact letter in front of me.
 
#34 ·
Then she volunteers the info 'you are my best friend, I would never want anyone but you - there's only one person I would let touch me'. She has said that before - while we were intimate: "You are the only one who could ever touch me this way" sort of thing.

The sad thing is, she says all of this out of one side of her mouth - because the moment I go to bed, she emails the guy mushy sh*t like "im thinking about you" and the guy says crap like "You make me feel so special, its been so long since I have felt this way" . Pretty standard emotional stuff. Luckily the spare room is all set up, so as soon as this friend leaves, thats where she will be sleeping. I know for a fact she wont send him a no contact letter in front of me.
It's amazing how they can completely compartmentalize the A. My wife did the exact same things at times. Even after an intense lovemaking session, I would find out later on that she was calling him as soon as I went to bed.

If she won't send an NC letter in front of you, then it's pretty much academic.
 
#39 ·
Im not really sure how to track this guy and his family down - he lives very far away. I have his full name and where he is currently working.. I have not contacted him. I do 'kinda' know what he looks like - he has never sent any clear pictures of himself to her (thats kind of weird) even though she has sent lots of pics of herself to him. I do know that he slightly resembles me - same hair, wears glasses.. Except he is much older and looks out of shape.

Im 6'2 205 and in excellent shape.If I ever met this guy Im certain I could smash him like so many legos. Believe me, I have had fantasies of calling his work and leaving a message with the receptionist along the lines of 'do not talk to my wife any more. Sincerely, someone much larger and angrier than you.'

From his emails I could tell he was VERY paranoid about giving her his work address. I lied to her about how I got her email info the first time, and looking at it this time - he tells her 'make sure you are off wifi whenever you are home, because that's just weird' As if I am doing something 'creepy' by snooping. She says to him 'dont worry, he wont show up at your work with a pitchfork'.

Dont be so sure.

Another funny thing - she dropped an earring down the bathroom drain a while back - after I stopped snooping - and asked me to get it out - not right now, but whenever I could. So about an hour later I go in there to get it out. After I get it out, she accuses me of snooping on her because she just 'sent a message to a friend about her earring' No, I just remembered to get your grandmother's earring out. I was pissed about that - and now even more annoyed because it was HIM she was talking to. Then she told him that she was 'experimenting' and turned wi-fi on and sent him that message that she dropped the earring to see if I would read it. Its funny how she has turned me into the bad guy for snooping and doesn't feel guilty for sending pictures of her t*tties to some old guy. The more I think about all of this the more angry I get at her playing me.
 
#38 ·
Spend time today planning how you are going to address this with her tonight. Build your confidence, you are in the right here to demand she end it. Be sure to keep it unemotional as possible, business like. Don't lose your cool and don't be surprised if she attack you for the problems in the marriage, snooping, not trusting..... It's what a cheater does, tries to shift the blame. Good luck.
 
#40 ·
It could be as simple as entering his full name and city into google, or looking him up in his town's online white pages. Hell, you might find him on Facebook with a simple search. If you PM me his name I'll try. Don't post it though, your W could google it and find this thread.
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#43 ·
Having his work address is great. Start writing letter addressed to his HR director cc the chairman and say finance director, state on the letter that one of there employees , name OM, is conducting and affair on company time using company equipment with your wife. Send all three letters via fedex or equivalent , they will call him in. This will rattle his cage. While the letters are in flight run a check against his name or if you have his mail address or mobile number , there are sites that will give his address it takes some digging . I will check my notes over the weekend for a list of tracking sites, other members here may post the links to you before I do.
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#46 ·
I also think you should pull the friends aside and ask them to leave if they ask why be honest then deal with your wife it let's her know your are serious and spreads the bad news thus informing her how far you are prepared to go to protect your marriage. It also gives you the weekend to isolate her from the OM.

Be very calm when you do this
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