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Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

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#50 ·
You know - if this guy is this hard to find I'd probably punt. All it ultimately does is force the A to end, which if that's not what your wife wants it doesn't matter much anyway does it? I think the only way forward out of this is through your wife. I think you've got to make her pick - flat footed - right now - the moment of truth. Me or him. Me you get to stay - him you get to leave right now. You've got to be prepared to make it stick though. Once she realizes what's she's done she'll likely want to come back. At that point the ball is in your court but I wouldn't even talk about it until she totally fessed up, gave you whatever you want as far as transparency and took full ownership of what she's been involved in.
 
#53 · (Edited)
Yeah.. they are exchanging emails today still, of course.. They are talking all lovey dovey - like rescuing each other and 'I didnt know I still had feelings like this inside'.. amazing - she sent that love letter the just before I met her and her friends for lunch.. Now Im back at work and shaking with rage.

Im contemplating embarassing the **** out of her in front of her friends.. Maybe even slap down some of her more juicy emails - they can all chew on those. Stop talking to the OM, or leave m e.. You cant have both. I may have not been the greatest husband, and have made mistakes.. but this is B.S.

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#57 ·
Might be too much drama to do it in front of her friends.. Im just really angry with all of this.. She is obviously addicted to the attention that he provides. Its just so WEIRD. He lives 2000 miles away, and as far as I can tell have never talked face to face. What can this possibly get her, other than a thrill up her leg? I mean the guy is 50+ and she is not even 30 yet... I dont even know if she would have the guts to meet face to face - even though she has expressed that desire on occasion via email.

What do I do about my stepson? She may ask me to help with her kid while she is working alot over the next 3 months or so... Do I say 'no, I wont help' if she does not agree to no contact? If she does not agree to no contact, do I cancel her cellphone and car insurance immediately? Do I tell her to get out, or sleep in the spare room and pay me rent? Her car is in both of our names.. my car is in my name, the house is in my name, all of the furniture is in my name.. basically she has nothing. Maybe the scare will make her wake the hell up.
 
#58 ·
You are following a script of a typical betrayed spouse , you are finding reasons not to sort this out now , you are looking for what if and how do I's . We are giving the way forward, tried and tested , if you are not willing to expose her in front of her friends pull them aside and ask them to leave , say she is conducting an affair and them being their is not helping you , then take her down, the weekend is an ideal time to crack this on the head.

Do not leave the house and do not ask her to leave , have it out, state your boundaries , write the letter to the OM's company then sit back and look after yourself. Run a 180 on her , start today your fear is stopping you from saving your marriage.

Everything written here is proven by others in your situation to work and is to help you , take the advice and look the storm in the eye.
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#61 ·
Ill do my best to have it out as soon as I can. I was just asking questions for advice on what to do with the situation. (kid, etc) I will def. have it out with her - Im not going to stand by and support her and her child all the while she is masturbating to emails and/or telephone calls from this guy. This man cannot provide her with what I can provide - in any way... Turning my back on her may be the only way she will realize what she has. Im just contemplating when the best time to do it would be.. They are at in the pool drinking beer at home.. I dont want to be the arguing with a drunk person when I get home.. I will pick the right moment.
 
#59 ·
Eli-Zor is right. You have to do it this weekend. Your anger is good, because it will give you resolve, but you cannot show it to her. You have to be calm. She will take you way more seriously that way. Do not delay. DO THIS. Just the thought of her texting this guy over and over every day is making MY skin crawl, and she's not even my wife!
 
#64 ·
You WON'T expose her,
You still ALLOW her to e-mail this creep,
You FIND EXCUSES to not confront her...

...you are giving her the keys to cheat!

MAN THE F**K UP!!!
 
#65 ·
I'm kind of with F-102 here. You are sitting there shaking with anger, feel like your life is destroyed, yet you are worried about making HER uncomfortable?

I agree you shouldn't do that when either of you are drunk. But dood, get this done or it will eat at your soul every minute.
 
#67 ·
Agree

Every day that passes takes a chunk out of your soul. You probably do not even see that you are the one that holds the cards, the OM is miles away, she needs your financial security , needs you as a step father , the OM is much older and from the sounds of it a player.

Take her down this weekend, friends or no friends the only loser will be her .
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#66 ·
When I found my wife's damning email to the OM, I was out of town on a business trip - we were 2000 miles apart. I didn't even wait until I got home the next day to confront her. I had the email open and called her at 3am. Didn't care that I had to wake her up in the middle of the night.

When she didn't come clean, I read it to her. That's when it all started. DDAY on cinco de mayo.
 
#69 ·
She is not respecting you or your feelings because you have shown that you will do nothing to stop her or fight for your marriage.

What did Hitler do when he figured out that the free world would do nothing to stop him?
 
#70 ·
Please don't take it personally but U need to MAN UP not little bit but really big time this woman will never respect U with that damn attitude as U sated that U got all the her fine life style in ur hands so please do something soon to make her face the reality and get her out of lala land and tell her how spoiled and self centered person she is and that she must seek professional help for that or else she can go to the OM to take care of her and her son

sorry but I couldn't say that in any nicer way
 
#71 ·
Change all of the locks on the house, then park a U-haul in your driveway, put all of her stuff in it, and when she comes home and sees it and has the nerve to ask the inevitable "You're leaving?", just toss her the keys and say : "No, YOU are." Then when she tries to follow you into the house (she won't be able to get in, as you changed the locks), threaten to call the police.

You'll be AMAZED how fast you become the most important person in her life again!
 
#72 ·
Yes. You are a Nice Guy. And your wife has no respect for you.

It's time for you to start growing, my friend.

Get some books to start....
No More Mr. nice Guy
And
Hold onto your N.U.T.S.

These two will get you started.

Then go to the Mens Forum and read up on boundaries and Nice Guys. And Fitness Tests and Manning Up.

Then go to marriedmansexlife.com. Read all you can about becoming more alpha. Atholk's web site and book are awesome.

Next, get some balls. This isn't about how you feel you would hurt your wifes feelings by confronting her about the affair. It's about how she sh$t all over yours. If that makes her uncomfortable, who really cares. Never ever be scared if your wife or scared on conflict when it's required.

Start the 180 technique. Start focussing on you. Drop the relationship temp to absolute zero. She doesn't get your love back until she proves she deserves it.

Start being a Man.
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#77 ·
I appreciate all of you guys questioning my manhood so fervently. Ive been asking for advice, not insults. Thanks. Im slightly more mature than to make some dumb scene with a friend of ours and her boyfriend while they are all drunk.

Anyway. I waited until saturday to confront her with the new information. She lied, I showed evidence. I told her that I needed to send a no contact letter. She said no. I said that she needs to go away until she figures out what she wants.

She has been at her parents since then.
 
#78 ·
Good start D. Now stand your ground. Nothing moves forward until she sends the no contact letter to your satisfaction Don't contact her it's in her court now. Be confident and business like when dealing with her. Good luck.
 
#80 ·
Good start standing up to her finally. So she's off to her parents where she'll be emailing the guy the working up their plan. Hopefully you have access to her email still.

Have you called her parents and exposed the affair to them? If not then they might become enablers of it unknowingly.

Have you taken any steps to financially protect yourself here and to cut off her ability to finance the affair?
 
#81 · (Edited)
Has she spoke to you since Saturday? be firm in your words , the affair is her doing , you are not to blame for any of this , if she blames you deflect it and ensure that she knows adultery is her choice.

Do not leave it as it is , cause mayhem in the OM's life. See if the OM has a Facebook page if he has access it and save his friends names and web links , these may come on handy if you have to ramp this up.

Using a few choice words rams home the message on your wife, words like "wayward" or "adulterous affair" or phrases like " a vampire sucking the goodness out our marriage" , these are hard hitting and to be used in conversarion with her as and when you feel the need.
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#82 ·
Great job D. You did what you had to do. I can't speak for others, but my motivation for encouraging you to wake your wife up and take a hard stance is to save you from days/weeks of impossible pain. I say this because I have been there.

It wasn't until I laid down the law with my wife that she understood just how serious I was about 1) not tolerating that behavior and 2) saving our marriage. #2 also came with me doing my part, giving her what she needs, etc. But not while any monkey business was going on.

You are just at the beginning right now. The hardest part for you will be this.....you will want to take her back too fast, and believe her that she is done with the other guy (if that's what she chooses, which she likely will). Instead you need to say that your unconditional love and affection WILL be ramped up, but ONLY as long as she has stopped her deceptive behavior.

I asked my wife who lied similarly to yours, "why did you lie". She said, "to cover my ass. I just didn't know what else to do." And that was honest. The lie is so bad that they'll cover it up until you expose.

I do agree with others that if the OM is married, you need to tell his wife. This acts as a double weapon against the affair. His W will be all over him. It will double your chances of ending it.

Unlike my W, however, your W seems to have the propensity to do this again, even soon. For that, you guys need a good MC.
 
#83 ·
We have not spoken since saturday. The friends got a hotel, and she has been hanging out with them. We all went out friday night to hang out. She was unusually responsive and nice to me.. I wasnt the same back. I was very clinical, did not drink - while they did. I pretty much told her I was there just to be a designated driver that night. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her I would say in the morning.

So she asked me the next morning - what was wrong? Why were you so distant? "i was trying to be really nice to you, but you were mean to me." I wasnt mean, I just wasnt nice. I told her flat out that I knew she was still talking to this guy and I wanted her to stop and to let him know it was over - and to do it with me watching. She did the usual getting mad for spying on her, etc. She also said "its nothing, its just a fantasy - he is married, I am married - nothing will happen - you havent been paying enough attention to me, and I want to remain friends with him" She also told me that she really tried to 'just be friends' with the guy, but got back to the sexy stuff - even though I was doing everything I could to satisfy her needs..
 
#84 · (Edited)
Since he is married his wife will have no problem you contacting her and she will have no problem you showing her parents some of the more explicate mails. I suggest you move fast and expose this to her parents your wifes arrogance indicates you are in for a tough ride, get hold of the OM's wife . Nothing works better that an long married man threaten by divorce and losing a good chunk of his retirement moneys.

The reason why she is so brave is she knows or thinks she knows you won't out ber to ber friends I assure you she is gaslighting you to them.
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#86 ·
Since he is married his wife will have no problem you contacting her and she will have no problem you showing her parents some of the more explicate mails. I suggest you move fast and expose this to her parents your wifes arrogance indicates you are in for a tough ride, get hold of the OM's wife . Nothing works better that an long married man threaten by divorce and losing a good chunk of his retirement moneys.

The reason why she is so brave is she knowS or think she knows you won't out ber to ber friends I assure you she is gaslighting you to them.
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He has been married but around 9 years, Im trying to find ways to locate his wife.. Of course, he says he is having marital problems - which could be a bunch of crap. I told her parents a while back that she was talking to this guy. I know the extent then, that she was. They are totally on my side. Im still considering calling is work and a) talking to him or b) leaving a message with the receptionist to the tune of 'leave my wife alone, you scumbag'
 
#87 ·
If you call him have a script ready be calm, say you piece the put downthe phone , however a more effecting way forward is a letter to the company , they call him in, he worries about his job. Carry on searching and find his wife or if he has adult children get hold of them. Take some leave if you have to and see if you can spot the guy .
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