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Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

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#89 ·
I agree you should ramp up your efforts to contact the OMs wife. I'm sure your W told her parents something since she's staying with them, but I guarantee you it wasn't the full truth.

She is flat out getting off on her talks with him. Fantasy or not, there's no room in a marriage for this. You are doing well, keep it up, get ahold of the OM's wife. Nothing will end this faster than getting her involved. Even if they are having marital problems, no way in hell the OM's wife puts up with it.
 
#90 ·
Sorry to hear this is happening. I understand exactly how you feel.. Been there, done that. Believe me, I've been screwed so many times that one can ever imagine. I have a question though, how sure are you that the guy is really 100,000 miles away? I know it hurts just as much even if you're not really sure where the guy really is but you at least deserve to know. It can be very frustrating but this might be a big help in finding out. I can only wish the best for you and I hope things get better soon. These times can get the best of you but don't let it.

It might be very hard on your part that she lies to you every now and then so take yourself into consideration. You cannot keep loving someone who seems to be not with you. Love is not meant to be a one-way street and both people involved should give and take.
 
#92 ·
I know where he works, and I know from their conversations that he lives very far away.

I have come to the conclusion that she is extremely self absorbed, and really cares very little about how I feel. Looking back, this is how it has always been. I will give you an example:

She told me a year ago that she was upset that I didnt surprise her with a dinner out for her birthday - and that she had to choose where to eat. I did surprise her, however, with a beautiful, beautiful gift that she had been wanting for a long time. She's complaining about having to decide where we ate?

Another example: I would always kiss her goodbye in the morning before leaving for work. I, very rarely, got in a hurry and didnt say goodbye. This would upset her, if I didnt say goodbye. Sometimes she has to go to work before me (her work comes in spurts). When she goes to work first - she almost never kisses me goodbye. I can count those times on one hand.

Yet another: I almost *ALWAYS* compliment her on how she looks, or what she is wearing, or whatever. She would get mad at me for not saying she looks nice, or would confront me saying "how come you didnt say I looked nice tonight, didnt you notice?" I can count the times she said I looked nice over the last several years on one hand.

Another: she started working out alot more some time back. I went out of my way to encourage her with things like 'you are starting to get in shape' or 'you are really getting there!' or 'you are really starting to get in shape' or something.. This wasnt enough for her.. Saying 'you are really getting there', to her, was saying that she wasnt good enough already - even though I was saying those things in an encouraging manner to make her feel good about her progress.

These few days apart, I have had alot of time to think. This relationship is absolutely one-way. I give and give and give.. I get very little out of it. I bought her a car - while myself drove around in a pile of crap, I helped her start her career, I provide the home she lives in, I took her son in as if he was my own, I make most of the money - and in doing so, I allow her to take months at a time off work. I let her go out with her friends whenever she wants.

What did I get when I wanted to buy a new car a few months back? "You just let your car die, so you could get a new car. The first thing Im going to do when I see it - Im going to spit on it"

I spoke with her yesterday.. We talked about her behavior, and her dealings with this guy. She said she would not break it off with him. I asked her if she was going to meet him sometime? She said she wasn't sure. I told her I wanted a divorce. She cried. Do you know what she cried about? Not me. No. She cried about having to find a place to live.. about having to find an apartment, and losing the beautiful house that I have provided for her. She never said 'Im sorry'.

Im not going to contact the OM's wife, or call his work, or call him, or do anything. I just dont care anymore. He can have her, because I dont want her anymore. The only person I am calling is a lawyer.

In order for me to want her again, she will have to completely and utterly change her ways - come to me on hands and knees begging for forgiveness, and have complete transparency. She needs to become the woman I thought I married. I dont see that happening.
 
#91 ·
Stop with wasting your time on her lover-----you need to step up your war on your wife

Go after her thru her parents----If you end up in D., they know they are gonna have to put out money to help her, I doubt at their age they really wanna do that

Dry her up financially---cancel her CC's, and put all marital finances in an acct with only you on the acct

Tell her she is now responsible for half of all utilities, half of all insurance payments, car and home---she is responsible for half of the mortgage, and half of the car payment---she is responsible for her own medical insurance------

Get in her face the next time she tries to blameshift---tell her you know what,--- go out and find someone else who will put up with the crap that she throws at you------also tell her when she got married she gave up her right to privacy, so you will look at anything you need to in re: what she is doing.

Also cut off her cellphone---and even her computer----just let her face reality------tell her you will not stay in a mge., where she continues to disrespect you---and her being in contact with another man, FOR ANY REASON is complete and total disrespect---

Whatever you do at this point DO NOT TAKE HER BACK, unless she agrees to all of your boundaries, and sends the NC
 
#93 ·
I told her that I am cancelling her cellphone, car insurance, health insurance, and will no longer pay for her car. She also owes me several months of house payment and utilities. I have been feeling financially strapped for the last few months because she has not been working. Finally she has landed a job starting in a couple of weeks - so she is going to need to pay up.

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#96 ·
you are doing the right thing, DONT GIVE UP
she might starting acting of remorse just to buy time. Contact the OM's wife after you divorce just to cause trouble for all of them.

you gave her so many chances and choices but it seems she wants you for financial support and him for physical.
and since she got a job she might thing that now she is superior on you and does not need you.

Dont give up, she had choices and chances and she chooses to hurt you several time.
 
#97 ·
Yes, in the last few months she has done a few things in order to make herself more attractive physically... Like she is ramping herself up to look better for this guy when they finally meet..

Ive always been fairly physically fit - but have ramped up my workout efforts over the last few weeks, myself.

I know one thing, Im done carrying the bag AND playing second fiddle.
 
#98 ·
Disappointed - I am so glad to hear you doing this. I can't tell you. I've been checking on this site, seriously, just to see if you have any updates. Your conversation with her was perfect. Your plan is perfect. I really relate to you in a lot of ways - my wife is a less extreme version of yours. Thankfully, as far as I know, she gave up her EA two months ago, but I have serious trust issues I will be working through via MC.

Just make sure you actually follow through with the financial threats you are making. She won't completely take you seriously unless you do that. Her reality is going to start settling in very soon here. Her son's care, her house, her $$, her car, her living quarters, etc. All that security thrown out the window for a fantasy. She STILL hasn't quite learned. STILL won't give up the fantasy. Amazing!

This girl needs some serious help. Something happened to her when she was younger. The comments about saying she looks nice and working out sound just like my wife (although mine would be totally okay about the me having a new car - that is intense). My W is like that because of severe self esteem issues that stem from her childhood (I could kill her parents). It's seemingly never enough. You forget one compliment and it's like you NEVER do it, right? Same here. You can't fix that with 1000 compliments. She needs to fix herself. As her H, there's no way you can wait for her to do that unless she wants to, and ends the EA, neither of which seems like they are going to happen right now.

I am so sorry. Keep us updated on your progress, either way. She may come to her senses yet. Or she may just run away from it all.
 
#99 ·
Wife came by yesterday while I was at work and left a note on the kitchen island saying that we needed to talk in person soon so that we can figure out what we are going to do.

I havent spoken to her since the weekend. Interestingly - I managed to pop her email again to see what she has been telling this guy. I dont see that they have written each other since saturday evening. That seems really unusual since they appear to have been talking every single day for the last few months.. In the last few emails she tells him that she is very sad and scared - she realizes now the reality and severity of the situation. The OM actually sounds apologetic, and said that this is a very sad situation.

Do you think she may have dropped contact with him, or do you think she just deleted all of the latest emails and is created a new email account to carry on? I dont see why she would just delete the latest ones and not delete them all. This is all so confusing.
 
#100 ·
It's very possible she has temporarily dropped contact. See, it's no longer fun for her. You ruined her fun, as you should have. Whether you did this on your own volition or heeded our advice doesn't matter. Your actions have made her finally realize she can't have her cake and eat it too. You should be proud of yourself.

Let us know how the talk goes. Don't be so quick to take her back. She needs to do some serious begging, promising to change, demonstrate total transparency, AND send a NC to the OM that you can read. Only then should you even consider deciding what to do.

Yes, it is possible it's gone underground further, but I have a hunch it hasn't. I think the thrill is gone for her now that she is living with mom and knows you mean business.

If you need to discuss further - send me a message. Good luck.
 
#102 ·
A few thoughts; she has another account , they are laying low to see what happens , he fears you will find his wife. We have all posted to you and I guess you have not looked for his wife , not written a letter to his work and not confronted him .

You odds will be significantly greater if you did all or some of the above. Please rattle his cage , he has a lot to lose and you leaving him to get away free should not be an option.
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#105 ·
If you chose to reconcile , she immediately hand writes a no contact letter , sent so he has to sign for it and do not take the blame , if she tries tell her to leave , the only topic you are discussing is her affair.

Wait and see what she says tonight
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#107 ·
If we do talk about reconciliation, a no contact letter will be something that will happen. I actually have been looking fairly vigorously for his wife's name. I am pretty sure I have found his home address and phone number. I have called the number - and it had a robotic answering voice that said 'we cant come to the phone right now, please leave a message'. I had my phone number hidden.

Luckily, I have friends in the telephony industry - so I will just get a fake phone number from his area code to use that will make him think its a local person calling.. either that, or an 800 number the next time I call..

Believe me, I am not just twiddling my thumbs.. I know I said I dont care about her, and dont care about the guy and his wife.. However, thats not exactly true. I do love my wife, and if she can prove that its over, and rededicate herself - I will take her back. I am diligently trying to find as much about him as possible. I dont think he should get off scott free while our marriage is in shambles because of their actions. Its true - she contacted him first,.. but he could have said 'no' when things got too heavy.

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#110 ·
If she is following the script she has gone underground , waywards rarely stop on the first few rounds . This why we are encouraging you to out the OM, the work rationale is if he mailed her during his work hours he is using company time and equipment this cause his work life to become more difficult thus limiting contact time.
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#111 ·
Maybe she went underground and maybe she didn't. She does know you have access to her email account, so them stopping cold turkey could mean anything at this point.

Are they talking on the phone too? Or can you even tell?

Your conversation tonight will be very interesting to hear about. She is either going to beg to come back or she will say she refuses to give him up and thus your marriage will be over. I'm really not sure if there is any other possibility here.

Stay calm and resilient. Even if she begs and pleads and says it's over with the OM, you'll have to tell her that it's going to take more than words for you to believe her. The NC letter, for one. And I agree with Eli and the others that say you should keep foraging ahead with finding the OM's wife.

Wayward wives almost always break NC. Mine did once, texting over a weekend a bunch of times. I caught it, and since then it's been clean. I call her 2 months sober. But even my wife, who is otherwise a very honest person, broke the NC once. So don't assume anything.

During your conversation I would reiterate that the A is just the icing on the cake. She's been selfish and not giving in the marriage even before that. If she is to have the privilege of your services going forward, you get to mandate X Y and Z, or she's out on the street, looking for someone else's attention.
 
#113 ·
So.. I had a talk with the wife last night. She agreed to sending a NC letter, she agreed to give me her email, facebook, myspace passwords. She did not, however, agree to giving me access to her phone. She stated 'I need some privacy, thats not fair!' I told her that I would give her all of my information in exchange, but she said no. This tells me that she has gone farther underground with the guy - i.e. made a new email account somewhere and is using her iphone to access it.

I told her without that information - no go. She said she hadnt talked to him since saturday - I said that I didnt believe that she just suddenly went from 'I ache for you' to no contact just like that, and that since she is so protective of her phone - she is still talking to him. I told her that I would be contacting a lawyer very soon. She dripped a few crocodile tears and left.

I have drafted a letter - ready to send to the OM's HR department and will be mailing it a little later today. Im pretty shocked that she would throw away our marriage for some guy that she doesnt even know. Not sure how to find his wife - but I am still searching.
 
#115 ·
Im pretty shocked that she would throw away our marriage for some guy that she doesnt even know.
It really is shocking when you think about it. But it's not really surprising once you know how EAs are just as dangerous if not more, to marriages. Some of these WS's fall so deeply into the fog, that the can throw aways years of marriage and children, for their affair partner. Take a look at HurtinginTN's threads.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/22170-dealing-ongoing-emotional-affair.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24095-synopsis-update-ongoing-emotional-affair.html

Or how about when you've been married for two decades to a spouse who reconnects with an old high school love thru facebook or some other social networking site? They can very quickly fall into love and have no problem thinking about throwing away years of marriage and children. My own WW very nearly went that route. It shocked me. She hadn't seen this guy in over 25 years and she was already planning to go to another country to be with him.

EAs are very very bad news. They give their heart and soul to their affair partner sometimes.
 
#114 ·
I agree, the fact that she refuses access to the iPhone is a clear indication that she has just gone underground using the iPhone. There are already so many messaging apps you can download for iPhone, or she has a secret email account that she accesses with the iPhone.

Continue your investigation into the identity and contact information for the OMW.
 
#116 · (Edited)
Good for you holding the line, that letter must be sent so it is signed for by the recipient , cc the chairman as well , if you know his boss or the department he works for send a copy there as well. This ensures that it is not brushed away by the company, they will call him in even if no action is taken he is aware you are tracking him and will fear you, he is likely to be brave on the outside but inside it will be a different story.

I think you may have to consider exposing this to one or two of her best friends , if D is where this may head telling them ensures they know the truth.

Carry on searching for his wife, siblings or even friends.
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#117 ·
You may have to hire a PI to follow him home, it could be the quickest way to finding out where he stays. As you do not know what he looks like the PI will need to be creative in identifying him e.g a parcel requiring his signiture and ID can draw him out.
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#118 ·
This all seems so incredibly stupid.. She is talking to some guy who lives so far away, who is so much older and has a wife. What in god's green earth are you thinking?

Its almost like, if this was just some stupid sex that she had with some guy she cared nothing about - it would be easier to take.. but the non-stop emailing, constant lovey dovey BS - confiding everything in him is much more painful. She just has this thing in her head that she cant 'talk to me' but he is such a great listener! OF course he is a great listener, all guys are when they want in a woman's panties.
 
#121 ·
I've been hearing about facial recognition software on facebook and google. You might want to check it out. That is if his pictures are of a good enough quality. I would also check to see if he is posting pictures of your wife. He sounds like a perv. Sure am sorry to see you goin through this good luck.
 
#119 ·
As said before an EA has a greater hold than a PA they sincerely believe they are in love. This is especially true for most woman in affairs , the OM is playing her for some attention and she is now deep in La La land. Hence the uncompromising line you must follow and once the OM starts feeling the heat the love is not quite what they thought it was.

You have said her parents know are they in the loop as to the latest happenings ? and is she staying with them.
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#120 ·
On a side note make sure you exercise, eat and sleep well . This is going to be draining.

Hire an attorney and start the D make sure he makes it difficult for her and pull no punches in filling for adultery or if your state does not allow it use it as one of the reasons , name the OM therein . The D can always be withdrawn should you choose.
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