Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

-
 
See less See more
#123 ·
Here is an update for everyone. It appears that her parents finally put their foot down as well. I had told her dad pretty much everything a while back - he finally went to her and told her that she was being an idiot, and that she needed to get her head out of her you-know-what or she would need to find somewhere else to live immediately. Both her parents and I appear to have provided enough tough love to snap her out of her delusion.

She came over friday night, and agreed to everything - including full phone access, etc. If she had a second email account set up on her phone, its not there anymore. I have full access to the bank account and all credit cards. No signs of a second phone. She agrees that she was being completely immature and idiotic, and that she has not talked to the guy since last saturday. Whether or not this was his idea or not, I am unsure. I had her write a no contact email and BCC it to me. (I was standing right there when she wrote it, and did not tell her what to write) I snail mailed a letter to his work as well.

I give her tons and tons of rope, and let her do whatever she wants practically. I respect her need for some freedom, and her own time, and friends. However, I told her that if I find out she is still talking to this guy, I will throw her out immediately - no excuses. If she does that with some other guy, I will throw her out. If she disrespects me in any way like that again, i will throw her out, tell all of her friends, tell her parents and post the naughty emails and photos in a anonymous blog and blast it all to her entire contact list. Maybe thats fairly rough, but with I dont plan on being made a fool of without some repercussions.

She seemed to be genuinely sorry for everything she did. She moved back in starting friday night, and we had a really good weekend together. She was more caring, and sweet than she has been in a long time, and even used her phone less than I had seen her use it in a long time.

Thanks, everyone, for your advice. Im going to continue to monitor what she does for a while - just keeping a lookout for a second email address, since this is still a possibility.
 
#124 ·
Thats great news disappointed123!

Now keep monitoring and on alert for any fishing. In most cases, one of the affair partners will attempt to break NC and attempt to fish for renewed contact, and as heavily involved as your WW was with her OM, she's likely to be the one who might fish. It can be something as simple as "How have you been" "Just checking to see if you're ok" "I miss you", etc, etc.

In my case, I intercepted both attempts to fish from my WWs OM. He fished 3 weeks later, then tried fishing via phone a little more than a month later.

As you might have read, consider using a VAR, its a great way of detecting any secret cell phone. Looking out for a secret email address is also a good idea.

Just remember this chart by Fighting2Survive before beginning the process of R. If you don't get true remorse from her, its only sweeping it under the rug. Make sure she deserves the precious, precious gift of R that you are offering her.

 
#125 ·
So far so good, check with her what her second account may be, she may claim she has none, experience tell us differently. A flag on the NC letter , other BS have done something similar to you unfortunalty the WW has a second mail account and told the OM to ignore the nc letter. The exposure to his work is great .

She should have a view where he stays , I would still spend some effort on informing his wife. She should also be going through some serious withdrawal , not slight withdrawal but obvious ones , if you do not see this behaviour then she is still in contact.

FYI a hand written letter is often better as it takes away the misnomer that the BS forced her to write it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#126 ·
I do think she is going through withdrawal.. We were having a great time on saturday, and after getting home we were relaxing on the couch and she started crying for apparently no reason.. She was weeping silently, but I noticed. I asked what was wrong, and she said that she is sad this all happened and feels stupid, etc. Im wondering if it was a symptom of 'missing' the other guy..She also cried on sunday when we were in bed together - she said it was because it had been a long time since she felt sexy. She doesnt cry often, so twice in the same weekend is unusual.
 
#127 · (Edited)
It looks like you are in a good place , be vigilant and verify, don't make it a life mission as it will wear you down. As for the OM , at your pace track him and notify his wife, he must not be free to send out feelers .. You may want to close her email account , if he knows where she works I would consider a plan for her to leave and change her job , it's all part of trust , everything she does from now on is to return the trust in your marriage. Hopefully she will not contact the OM and recovery can occur.

Try reading "surviving an affair" by Harley it gives you tips on recovery, start regular date nights, talk talk and talk some more and listen , it will take time for this affair to fall into the background , it will never go away but will be reduced allowing your marriage to be more rewarding.

If you have no objection go to IC for yourself , the trend is for the BS to start getting angry and very frustrated, best you warn her before hand as tonsome of the side effect know to happen to BS , she should be patient with you when this happens.

Best wishes for the future
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#128 ·
So it sounds like for now you are going to try R over D. The next 3-4 weeks are going to be critical. That's when the tempation to reconnect with the OM/OW is at it's peak. She needs to take her medicine, suffer through the withdrawal for awhile. Bear with her on that.

But in the end, you had lots of other complaints about your W. Big ones. Ending the A is just Step 1. You guys have a lot to work on once that is squashed for good. Don't think you can just get back to normal once you've gotten her to end it. Constant communication and counseling are in order for you to decide whether you can move forward or not.
 
#130 ·
SOunds like the tide is turning disappointed. She will have some withdrawl but won't voice it you. Just remember do no harm. If you start to get angry take a time out. Don't interrogate, write out questions and give her time to answer. DOn't go into gory details, they are not worth it. Remember questions like why can't be answered honestly right now. She needs time to face herself which she starting to do, time to forgive herself and then time with an IC to figure that out. Fast is slow, slow is quick, quick is smooth.
 
#134 ·
I was putting some of my wife's clothes away yesterday in one of her dresser drawers and found a whole bunch of drawings.. My wife is an artist, by the way - these drawings were cartoons of her and this guy together, or little gestures to him, or what have you. They are super detailed, intricate, full colour drawings and cards. Some of them include her and he together doing silly things like wearing bear suits, or she and he on the phone together or texting, and a couple birthday cards.. nothing sexual, but one or two (out of 15 or more!!) were somewhat romantic - the 'in another life we could be together' sort of thing. Finding 15 or 20 pieces of artwork that your wife made for another man kind of made me sick. These things must have taken a couple of hours each to make.

What do I do? Do I confront her about these things and tell her to get rid of them immediately, or would the better option be to wait for the relationship 'dust' to settle and bring up that I found those pictures and it disturbs me? She obviously spent a whole lot of time on these - and they are actually pretty cool - if they weren't for some other dude. She has been on the phone way way less than normail since she has been back, and I have not seen any new email from the guy. Do you think in a week or so, I should 'find' them and tell her to please get them out of the house?
 
#135 ·
Why wait, be calm and start a conversation about triggers and ask her if she is still hanging on to him, see what she says , either way then bring out the pictures place them so both of you can see them and then ask if she feels that these images and the time and effort she spent on then do not hurt you. Be calm listen but do not accept any lies or excuses. Ask , don't force her, if she can destroy them in your presence, if she says no then I suggest you play hard ball and help her pack her bags.

She should if she is genuine be willing to destroy them, while you are at it ask her if there is any thing else she should tell you or show you .

It is absolutely key you are calm, listen, are non threatening in words and posture but are firm , say you love her and such items hurt you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#137 ·
For an update - it appears my wife has gotten a secondary 'secret' email account and has changed her phone password. I hadnt been checking her phone or anything, but the other night we were out - I was at the atm getting cash. While I had my back turned she whipped out her phone, looked at it, typed something, then put it back very quickly before I was done. (I saw in the atm mirror) At dinner I situated us where her back was to the bathroom.. I excused myself and went to the bathroom.. then came back quietly to see that she was using email - I noted the name on the email (it was the OM) Her primary email address has no such email. Im assuming she got a new email account, then deleted all traces of getting it from her present email. She has been very very sly about using email on her phone only when I am not in the room, or gone.

She no longer uses her laptop at all for email - just her phone. She has gone so far as to turn off wifi when she checks her email from the phone. Pretty much, just gone deep under cover. All for some married dude who is twice her age.. I havent confronted her about anything yet. I am waiting for a good time to seize assets, close the bank account, turn off phone and insurance. For now she thinks we are 'in recovery doing fine!' but we are not. Im working on a scheme to retrieve his cell number via social engineering, and with that I should be able to gain all the knowledge I need to ruin his marriage too. Right now, I am trying to figure out how I can grab the data from her iphone 4 without knowing the passcode. Not sure how, since she sleeps with her head ON the phone and brings the laptop to work with her every day. Its funny, she has been bringing the laptop to work for the last week or two - but looking at the laptop - she has not used it at all.. Its like she is just keeping it from me. Anyway.. if anyone has any clue on how to take a backup of a passcoded iphone - let me know.. Im not sure HOW Im going to get it out of her clutches for 20 minutes.

Thanks
 
#138 ·
Sorry to hear this. If she won't end the relationship then it is time to end the marriage. Exposure may be the only tool left for recovery or it may just be a parting blow. At this point sounds like you've had enough and I certainly can understand that. Keep you emotions in check and take the high road with her. Sorry, can't help you with the iPhone. Good luck.
 
#139 ·
I would move a fast pace, when she is asleep simply take the phone, switch it off and hide it away. You dont need any further evidence so don't fret about it. Move the assets fast and as you have both a WW and an OM to deal with I suggest you a few things, prep an exposure to a large group of your wifes friends and family , mentioning the affair her commitment to the marriage and her taking it underground. I recall you saying you sent the OM's company a letter. What you want is a listing of all their directors and a well worded factual letter sent via fedex or such like to them all cc them all openly on the master copy. Send a copy to him as well . Use the template exposure letter as it was written in such a way that there is no legal reprecussion to you.

I think you will have to hire a PI to follow OM home.

Don't take to long to expose , catch as many of his coworkers or family as you can in the exposure.

I am sure we don't have to tell you to be cool, calm and collected.

It is normal for most waywards to take it underground , the affair has to die because they want it to die, don't blink say little do lots.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#141 ·
Is the phone in your name? You can try calling AT&T and say your teen son put on a password by accident and see if they can reset your phone, it worked for my xbox (when my sin accidentally set a parental password but I proved i was the owner)
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#143 ·
I dont think they can do that. Im going to try and take it while she sleeps, but that may be difficult as she basically sleeps with it under her pillow. Im fairly sure I can get a backup of it - even with a passcode. If I can, I can get all of her keychain info as well since I have a keychain breaker.
 
#142 ·
See if you can get a duplicate laptop and put a message on it for when she turns it on, saying that you found out that she is STILL in contact with the OM, etc..., then switch it for when she goes out in the morning. Maybe you can do it with the cell, too.
 
#147 · (Edited)
How about sitting her down and saying clearly to her: "You agreed to full transparency. I've noticed your phone once again has a password, and you're not showing it to me. You've got a choice. Hand me the phone, or leave the house. We are either working on this marriage, or it is over. It is in your hands. Which do you choose?"

No games, so secrecy, nothing else other than calling her bluf.

Tell her that you've done what you can to end the EA, but she didn't put any effort into it. So now she can leave, get a new phone and carry on with him. But you, you're done.
 
#150 ·
Maybe it's time to walk out the door and give her a taste of GTFO?

Sometimes it takes a hard hand to make people realize that it's my way or out the door. My wife had to do that before I even heard a word she was saying to me. When you're presented with GTFO out my life and don't ever come back, you start listening pretty fast at that point.

If you saw the OM's name on her phone when she was using the e-mail what more evidence do you need, NC is NC, no exceptions.

If she walks out because you're setting boundries to help your marriage then you know your answer from her of what she wants from your marriage, and it's not you. If she stays and gives full access then you know she wants to work on the marriage.

BTW, you saw, you have evidence and you did nothing. You just went back to being the ignorant chump again, gratz to you I guess?

YOU HAVE THE EVIDENCE, YOU SAW THE OM's NAME ON THE PHONE YOURSELF, what other proof do you need.

So, are you just gonna bury your head in the sand and give the BS excuse that you need time to research and find more proof, or are you gonna grab your balls and take back control.
 
#151 ·
At this point telling anything to the OM is pointless. He know's she married, and he doesn't care. She is the one that must stop contacting him.

Keep his address handy however. You may want it down the road.

You do need to confront her. You need to demand her to come clean or to leave. She must face the consequences of her continuing actions.

All this other stuff you're thinking about and planning is all just distraction from dealing with the real issue. She's secretly messaging someone behind your back. She may be even contacting that someone in person. She needs to come clean for the marriage to survive. Each day you delay, the more days of your life you are wasting.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top