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Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

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#153 ·
In terms of contacting the OM's wife, wait until things settle down. Don 't bother with the OM, it won't matter. If things don't settle down in a week or two, THEN find his wife and give her all the evidence you have but NOT how you got it.
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#154 ·
What do you mean 'settle down' ? Im not sure how to find this guy's wife.. he is a contractor, and no longer works at the place I found.. none of the addresses I have for him are current either - I even paid for a background check service.. I just dont get it.. He is 20 years older than her, fat, married, and sloppy. I know she is getting a thrill out of this, but what does she think will happen in the end? Its so confusing to me.. As a family, we have so much going for us.. To throw it all away for something that has absolutely no chance... its beyond stupid.
 
#155 ·
D123, I've said it to others, and I'll say it to you: Sometimes, the best way to make someone see what they will lose, is to let them lose it.

When she sees that her fantasy is going to rot and implode, she'll be back to you, begging for a second chance.

It is up to you whether or not to take her back.
 
#156 ·
Yeah.. Im really seeing that now. I feel for her kid (who I really think is my own kid by this point).. He is an awesome kid who just started K today... She is working non-stop and I am basically taking care of him during the week. Ive been taking this crap for too long though, a second d-day is coming up I am thinking. I totally do not look forward to it. I just have to be strong, do not cry, do not show emotion. I need to say, Im sorry - but I cannot live like this. I love you, but you need to either a> end it, or b> leave in order for me to feel like a whole person again.

I really just think she is using me until she has enough money saved up that she will move out easily. I am not going to wait until that day. She is going ot have to sleep on a couch or two, and beg for help from friends - since her parents are on my side. I will figure out a game plan and execute it today or tomorrow.
 
#161 · (Edited)
Do you think I should contact him.. tell him, in a polite but stern manner, to stay the **** away from my wife? This is a 50 year old man we are talking about, my wife is in her 20s. He should know better. Ill try to make it clear that I am not spying on her emails anymore, but I know just by actions that they are still in contact.. He needs to not call her, not email her, not do anything. If he does not reply, and contacts her, tells her I emailed, etc.. I will get a private investigator and find his wife and tell her vividly in all gory details of hard evidence. I truly think my wife needs professional help - badly.


Or should I skip talking to him, and just go straight for a PI? Not sure how Im going to get one with our finances so wrapped up together.

p.s. I finally found a pic of the guy.. he is not attractive, chubby, and has a freaking wayward eye.. I mean, what a kick in the nuts for me.. She sends naked pictures of herself and fantasizes about an old, ugly, out of shape man when she has a verile, attractive, man who loves her at home.. This is really tearing me up. I feel like flying to visit this guy and shoving my foot up his a$$.. but it almost seems like its not his fault, she is chasing and chasing and chasing..
 
#162 ·
Don't compare yourself. Have tried intelus?
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#163 ·
She probably sees this EA as "safe", because he lives far away and there is no physical contact, in keeping with the mentality that "it's not cheating if there's no sex".

She's getting the emotional attention that she wants from him, but getting the essentials (house, money, stability) from you.

But stop and ask yourself: if she's willing to risk destroying her M over Quasimodo, what is she gonna do if a young, handsome stud who happens to be conveniently close starts feeding her lines?
 
#166 ·
Why is this guy outside the US?

Here's a link. It costs to do a one time full background. Be careful becuase I've had flase results come back on reverse lookup of cell phone numbers but generally, they are accurate on names and addresses, owned properties, etc.
 
#170 ·
Go straight for the PI , you not only want his wifes detail, children but siblings and friends as well. This guy is secure in the knowledge that you can't get to him. In the mean time out your wife , do not give her the bandwidth to move on at your expense , the longer you wait the more prep work she gets under her belt . The OM can be outed as and when you track him down.
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#173 ·
No.. Im getting my finances in order, and once that is done I am going to yank the carpet from under her. I have all the evidence I need that she is sneaking around behind my back still. A couple more weeks of this - and then her world will become very difficult..

Right now she is working alot of hours, I am taking the kid to school in the morning and picking him up. However, she is making alot of money and I need it. (We got short while I was the sole breadwinner for the last 5 months, and need to catch up on my mortgage. The house is in my name only, and I purchased it before we were married) Within a a couple of weeks or so - my finances will be stable and I will have another confrontation. No emotion. I will state to her very clearly that she needs to stop contact, or find another babysitter, a place to live, and man to cuckhold. I have already set up a bank account in my name, and have already purchased new door locks. I am prepared to cancel her car insurance, health insurance, phone, and empty 'our' bank account into my bank account. Her car is in my name only - I have a spare key and will take it away. She will be royally and absolutely screwed. her parents are on my side, and will not allow her to stay with them. The kid's father is out of town for another 5 months also, so there is nobody to drive him around either. Have fun with that.

Im just smiling and pretending I dont know anything is going on while the money rolls in. Sure, she could be doing the same.. However, I know she would wait until her job is through to do anything since Im her free babysitter. I wont wait that long.. all I need is another couple of weeks.
 
#176 ·
In my opinion, a situation like this requires a shock to her system. She is deep in the fog, emotionally addicted to this man, and she'll never see her way out just because you want her to.

At this point, you should file for divorce. Make that the default action that happens if she does nothing (or not enough). What she's doing is unacceptable in a marriage. You've given her a chance to fix it, and she didn't. It's time for you to take control.
 
#178 · (Edited)
Here is an interesting twist that has been thrown into the mix:

I just got a job offer that is about 200 miles away from where I am living now. I had this offer once before, but declined because of being married and the difficulty in moving the entire family. The job offer now includes 10k in relocation and a salary bump of 38% from my current salary.

Wow, am I ever confused now.

10 grand would go a long way to giving me absolute financial freedom, not to mention that much more money. However, moving would take away any chance of reconciliation.

Im not going to tell her about the job offer as of yet.

Ugh, my I have a lump in my throat - this is all really starting to become very, very real instead of some surreal dream that I have been living. Its scary.
 
#179 ·
Look at it as good news, a gift from heaven that gives you options. File for separation, accept the job, sell the house and move . Don't delay to long as it may take away a chance of a materially better state of life.

Do not mention anything to your wife, plan the detail and work to the plan. If or when it comes to you moving you have no reason to explain yourself other than to say that it is she who is causing the hurt and betrayal.

Once you out her , and if she wishes to reconcile then it is on your terms one of which is you move.

Check with your attorney as you do not want her claiming any part of your pre-marriage monies.
 
#180 ·
If I were in your shoes, I would see that as a sign.

I am not a person who tries to tell people to give up marriages. Not at all. But in your case...

1) you said your W was selfish, and everything she buys is for her, resented you getting a car but has no problem with you buying her one.

2) you said she demands you compliment her, etc, yet she never compliments you, etc.

3) you said she has serious issues about her self esteem, to the point your lives are always about her

4) despite you taking very good care of her child, she talks to other men behind your back

5) you confronted her, showed her the email evidence, she moved out for awhile, stayed with parents who didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, so she came back to try to work things out and go NC

6) when she thought she was safe again, she went behind your back again, took further precautions to hide it, lied about her actions AGAIN, even after you gave her another chance

7) and NOW, you get a job offer 200 miles away that increases your pay 38%, in one of the worst economies we've ever seen in the US.

You have a perfect additional out. If it were me, I would hold off on taking the job (if this is possible) until maybe a day or two before you pull the rug out from under her, as you say. Then tell her, "And by the way, I got a job offer in (said city). I start in 2 weeks (or whatever). I'll be moving there here pretty soon. I've given you a chance to come clean and work this out, but you've decided not to, so I have to move on."

Then, ignore her immediate pleas for you to reconsider, and do it. You can't listen to anything she says for a few days. Once you move there, she will be a total wreck. Her security blanket is gone. The man she has been USING is gone, and her parents won't take her side. They'll likely let her live with them though, if anything, for the sake of their grandson.

At that point, she may tell you how sorry she is, and want to follow you to where you are. You can say, "Well, I don't know. You've broken my trust so many times. I'll have to think about it." Make her beg and meet very strict conditions for going there with you, if you even want her there at that.

I realize this is easier said than done, but I believe things happen for a reason, and this job is a sign.
 
#188 ·
At this point IMHO, you need to let her go, from what I am reading from your posts only hard reality will knock her out of this

You cannot compete with a fantasy , you will never win
I don't want to tell you what to do as this is solely your decision but in you are enabling her to some extent by staying with her

I know it is hard but you will never win like that
 
#190 ·
Part of the strategy to break the affair is to be honest, telling the truth - not a diluted version, telling her friend the absolute truth protects you. There is no need to delay this part, don't mention she is still in the affair but do set the record straight. To move forward you must assume your marriage is over, this attitude does not mean it is or you do not want to reconcile , what is does do is let you understand that you have lost her and either she goes and you are able to move on with your life or she decides to reconcile on the marriage terms.

Fight for your marriage but expect and plan for a divorce.
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#191 ·
I wish I could stop watching her email.. its making me sick.. she is at work, and is taking lunch.. she asks him to call her at lunch and he says 'im getting hard thinking about it' ugh.. so she is going to take lunch and have phone sex, I guess.. But she tells me she is super busy at work and cant talk to me - she is super busy because she is emailing this guy so much.

I need to just stop looking, its doing nothing but making my stomach churn.
 
#193 ·
I need to just stop looking, its doing nothing but making my stomach churn.
:iagree: Snooping to see if a spouse is in an affair is one thing. Continuing to do so after knowing is just plain self-torture. Trust me, I was addicted to the spy game at one point. It did nothing to help.
 
#192 ·
How much more time do you need , you have all the evidence you need. Call him before the lunch, something like " I am only going to tell you once to leave my wife alone , any more contact between you two and I will ensure your life will be turned upside down."

Polite no threats , then text you wife and ask how her sex session is going with her F&£kb@&y thereafter call her parents and expose her ongoing affair tell them you have hard evidence and ask them to call her , include her co-workers in an exposure .

The above sounds harsh , the risk you take now is you are standing by whereas if you confront now the weekend is here giving you time to determine what to do next.
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