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Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

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#202 ·
I also did something, maybe not the smartest thing.. but it felt great.. as you know, my wife talks with the guy via skype. (almost every damn day!) anyway - with monitoring I heard he was going to call her at a specific time. So.. I put skype on my phone - logged on as her and changed her password. When he called *I* answered and told him not to call my goddamn wife anymore.

She is at work when all of this went down (like 10 minutes ago)

The only communication I have seen is from her telling him that her skype is broken or something... he has not responded.

Should I take this opportunity to change the locks - or just see what plays out? I have until next week to decide if Im taking this job or not. I have even negotiated ANOTHER 10% in salary.

Ive talked to an attourney - I am in a no-fault state, and have been married not long enough for her to get anything.. anything at all.
 
#208 ·
Pretty much.. her parents know and Ive told her best friend. I think she is so far gone that she doesnt care. I havent confronted her on the 'second' offense.. To be honest, I think the confrontation will just be me leaving. Obviously if I confront she will just tell me something stupid and continue doing what she is doing. Im over feeling this way. "oh I love and miss you!" to me, and then she says she misses the other guy at the same time. She is just turned on by the fact she has two guys.. I treat her great, and she has a fantasy guy who does her bidding.. I think when she gets home tonight she will get a wakeup call when she comes home to the locks being changed.. I dropped the kid off at her parents earlier today.
 
#209 ·
stay strong - this is the right course. Take the job. If she crawls after you begging, then you have a decision to make to let her join you. But until then, I would take the job and go. You can always reconcile later if you both want that and she kills the affair.
 
#211 · (Edited)
You did a good job in confronting him, don't ever regret it.

You may as well proceed with a hard line with your wife , you cannot hide away from reality, she will ultimately contact him and he will tell her you spoke to him .

Sit calmly and confront her again, put it in a letter form, mention you love her but she has stuck a knife in your soul and is twisting it. Make no demands, don't tell her of your options and do not tell her of the confrontation with the OM. This is a love letter from a husband to his wife , don't plead, don't beg use words that express your love to her, bring up memories of happy occasions and compliment her therein.

If she asks question about OM or try's to see how much you know babble distracting answers something like "yes you having and affair with OM is abusive, you should meet his wife and to think he said all those terrible thing about her." what you are doing here is causing confusion and using an innuendo , your wife by default won't believe you however she does not know what you know and it will cause her concern. It would help if you have the OM's wife's first name .

In parallel prepare an exposure letter to her work, this sounds like a radical action it is the next logical progression to break the affair, she would not be skulking around if it was innocent. On Monday send the letters to her HR department cc another senior director , the letters must be signed for on receipt, bring to their attention that she is conducting an affair on company time using company assets, mention the OM by name. If your wife is angry, tough , she should not be behaving inappropriately.

If you fear she will not come back to you after exposure , remove that fear, she is no longer your wife and as you have done almost everything you can to protect your marriage extreme measures are required. Your marriage can survive her anger and embarrassment it cannot survive an affair.

Play it by ear this weekend, but be prepared to expose her waywardness far and wide.

Continue with the separation process , it is part of the risk mitigation strategy you should follow.
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#213 ·
Quickie update.. I have accepted the job offer - and have gone and done the drug test, etc I have some more papers to fill out. The wife does not know yet.

the OM has not contacted her since the skype incident. She has, however sent a number of emails to him. At first the emails were like 'sorry I missed you on skype' and some small talk and 'i miss you' emails. After a couple of days they turned angry - like 'WTF??' and 'Where are you??' and the last one was 'Im not sure what you are trying to pull here!' He still hasnt sent her anything.

Crazy!! Im giving my two weeks to work in a couple of days then breaking the news to wife. "Sorry, I have accepted a job in xxxxxx, I have not bothered to tell you since you have been so involved in a relationship with another man. I love you, but I am leaving."

We will see what she does from there.
 
#214 ·
Make sure you tell her folks that the affair is ongoing , do so a couple of hours before you tell her about the job , it is courteous to them. Do ensure you are protected financially and she has no recourse legally against you or says you abandoned her. Leave a crack open for her to reconcile , this does not say you cancel the new job, if she is committed to you she will make a plan to join you. If she does change the choice is yours to reconcile.
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#216 ·
They do not have each other's phone numbers - only email addresses. I did not threaten him, or do anything of that sort.. I said - almost verbatim:

'Stop talking to my wife starting now. No skype, No email, no mail, no presents, no nothing. I know you are married - you should know better. I am not some anonymous fantasy person - I am her husband. Have integrity, dont f* with my family. Vanish now. forever.'

Im pretty sure I repeated the 'do not skype, do not email, do not mail her at work and you should know better' bit. a couple of times.

I didnt allow him to say anything - and hung up.

I know he is a super paranoid - private person. It took him weeks of her asking for him to give her his work address (for a gift). It was a temporary workplace for him and he is no longer there. Im thinking that he about sh!t himself when I answered his call.
 
#215 ·
Give it time to see if he holds NC. She is going to be fed up soon and/or call him on his phone, my assumption is she has a number to call. What did you say to him as it is rare the OM steps away so readily?

Try hold the moral high ground , don't be tempted to enter into a war of words with her. Be firm, stick to your boundaries.

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#217 ·
A very clear message , he is probably wondering what you know and why your wife is continuing to mail him . When you do move and if she is not with you go dark , there is no need for conversation unless she evidences her commitment to you and the marriage. No need to reveal you spoke to him or how you know of the ongoing affair , you confronting her a second time for continuing the affair is enough.

She is following the wayward script , make sure you keep copies of everything somewhere secure in case she tries to gaslight you.
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#218 ·
He is scared sh*tless, and isn't talking to her because he fears you are watching and will out him to his wife. Very simple.

But the thing is, he isn't the problem. You said it yourself. She started it with him, he has been tentative the whole time. His little fantasy game is over. But it's not over for your wife yet, who has a history of this behavior and is very delusional.
 
#219 ·
I almost feel bad for her.. I mean her last email was 'I hate this silence, if you are done with me - just say so' . Its really a sad thing to behold. But, I have to monitor - to prepare for if he talks to her. He knows I am watching - and has to know that I can crush him if he opens his mouth. They have no other way to communicate.
 
#220 ·
Is she showing signs of any anguish with you, waywards are normally class actors/actresses when in control but once they lose control the beast changes. Best part is as long as you remain silent she will wonder what happened to him. She may even think he has been busted on his side. Carry on as you are , when ready update the parents but spare the how you know part.

How are you holding up?
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#222 ·
Sorry that you are suffering, sadness is what good people feel, your wife on the other hand is nowhere near feeling sad for what she is doing to you. Have you been to the doc, your on a rollercoaster and it's going to take it toil on you. Make sure you give yourself space to breathe.
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#226 ·
Sorry that it has been a while... I've been dealing with reality for a while and just havent gotten around to posting.

I've moved into a new place and started a new job. My wife is still living in the old city in my house down there. When I moved out, I told her I was tired of the B.S. she put me through, and I that this is an opportunity for me - and if she wanted to be part of it - for us. I had to stand up and do what is right for me - whether she is included or not. I would be glad to have her, but not her and her mental baggage.


Its sort of weird right now, with her down there and me up here. I havent seen her in a week and a half - since I took the job and moved myself out. She says she wants to be with me - and do whatever it takes for things to work out - including moving up here to be with me. Right now, its not feasible, because of the gig she is working on - and the kid's school. Once school is over she wants to move up here.

I have laid out my conditions - if she wants to be with me. No more phone passwords at all, complete transparency - phone, cc bills, facebook, email, etc. She has agreed to that, and has begun individual counselling. I can tell she is very remorseful that this happened, and that she hurt me the way she did. Of course she said she would never have physically had an affair - but is glad that I intervened before that even became a possibility. At first, she was very angry with me for reading her stuff, etc: but now she says she is glad I did. Anyway - she is coming up to see me this weekend. I will let you know how it goes.
 
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