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Wife having an EA..

89K views 268 replies 40 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and married 3. She has a 5 year old son that I love like my own kid. Our marriage has been pretty good, although not without its problems.. My wife is extremely needy - in many ways, unreasonably so. I seem to give and give and give and give, and if I dont give enough she gets upset.. she constantly asks for compliments, and I never get any. I dont mind being super nice - giving her praise - etc.. but sometimes it grows tiresome to feel that I am in a one way marriage.

During the dating stage things were awesome. She actually proposed to me. I said yes, of course, because she's the most amazing woman I had ever met. At any rate, before we got married I busted her in an emotional affair with someone. I found out the classic way, her phone buzzed when she was in the other room, I glanced at it, and it was some dude messaging her. So I read all of the messages and it was some mild flirting - but he did not seem to be extremely interested. She would constantly ask him to meet up - but he would say no. We talked about it and she completely ended contact with the guy. Of course she was pissed at first that I 'spied' on her.

Anyway - fast forward to this year after being married for a few years. Back in march my wife began to act very weird, and we began to argue about the dumbest things. I also noticed that she began using her phone aLOT more. I was suspicious, and checked phone records and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Anyway - we were at a friends party, she was (as usual) texting with her phone.. I looked over her shoulder and noticed that it was EMAIL that she was using and not text.. she reflexively turned the phone away so I couldnt see.. After that, I noticed that she put a password on her phone, and changed her email password.. (I had her password because I would check for paypal or ebay alerts in her mail.. my checking her mail was NEVER a big deal.) By this time, I know something is rotten in denmark.. One night she is coming home from hanging out with friends.. I hear her car park in the driveway.. I go to the door and look out - she is on the phone. She walks in, puts her purse down and goes to the bathroom.. I glance in her purse - her phone is still lit up and on skype. I asked her why she was talking to on skype.. She denied that she was talking to anyone, and that she must have accidentally opened skype. She said I was 'seeing things' and that she was not using skype.

Another night we are sitting on the couch watching tv.. she is using the phone off and on to email or text or whatever.. she is in her bathrobe.. I took the dog out for a walk. I walk around and come to the back door .. the door is locked.. so I go to walk back to the front when I notice a flash from the window. I stop and look into the window. My wife has just taken a pic of herself in panties, and it looks like she is emailing the picture. So.. I go into the house and ask her what the hell she was doing. She denies that she was emailing the pic and says she was taking pictures to send to me. I absolutely KNOW she is full of sh*t now. Anyway, we are out another night having dinner.. and she is texting or emailing AT THE TABLE. I ask her flat out if there is another guy, if she would be interested in someone else - she says of course not!! I dont believe her Later, I compromise her email.. I see that she has been emailing a guy that she worked with once in febuary. She has sent nudie pics, tons of pics of her face, telling him where she is at all times, what she is doing, and confiding in him. I see zero pictures of him. She mentions me a few times - like she knows what she is doing is wrong, but doesnt feel guilty at all. In fact, during dinner when I was asking her if there was someone else, she was saying no - but emailing this guy at the same time.

He lives like 3000 miles away, but they are sending flirty emails to each other alot. I.e. 50 or more a day. I confront her.. she cries, etc.. says she is sorry and that she didnt mean for that to happen... blah blah blah. She felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed, etc. I told her I dont like it, and that she needs to end immediately. She says she will, but she says she wants to be 'friends' with him still, because he is a nice guy and good to talk to. I tell her I do not like that idea at all, but I cant control what she does or does not do.. That was last month. I have not looked at her email since.

Unfortunately, I still dont have her passwords, I dont have her phone password or email password (she changed it after I got it). She is still constantly on the phone. I asked her point blank if anything is going on - she said no. I asked her if she TOLD the guy that the shenanegans were over - she said yes. I asked if she had an email to prove it -she said no. I asked her to send him an email and CC me telling him that the B.S. was over and she said 'no way, that would be embarassing - nothing is going on I told you I told him it was over!' I asked her for to open up her email and phone - and that we should have transparency - she said no. I dont have a lock on my phone, and I leave it laying around everywhere.. her phone is NEVER out of her sight.

I dont want to - but I feel I have to - recrack her email, because I have a gut feeling something is going on. I mean, the guy is 3000 miles away, so he is not a threat for a physical affair - but I still feel crazy about this. Should I pop her email and see whats going on?

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#230 ·
Congratulations on taking such a big step Diss. Remember, this woman continued to cheat on you AFTER you caught her the first time.

If you want to reconcile, she needs serious individual and marital counseling. Even then, it'll be pointless if she doesn't show you through actions and not just words that she wants to be with you and not this OM.
 
#231 ·
A few observations:-

because of the gig she is working on
Her job is not important your marriage is , she can resign immediately and move to you

Once school is over she wants to move up here.
Children change school mid way all the time, again if you and your marriage are important she will move mountains.

Insists she moves to you by a fixed date, any reason she gives is not acceptable as it is she who was in an affair, she was chasing the OM.

Your wife can now chase you, the move to you is only some of the actions she must take to evidence her intention to fight for you and the marriage.
 
#232 ·
Dis - good job fighting for your happiness.

She said after school lets out she will move to be with you....um, does that mean June, 2012??? School year just got started.

I agree you need to lay out conditions. She could easily move back in with you, and STILL go behind your back, STILL mooch off of your kindness.

If it were me, I would give her this last opportunity to succeed with the marriage. If after she moves in, she does anything, even ONCE, she'd be kicked out forever.

Good luck.
 
#234 ·
Well.. it turns out my wife is a complete ho. I found out she opened yet ANOTHER email account to communicate with the long distance guy. They have been sharing 'I love you's' and talking just as frequently as ever. It was all a charade - and the I love yous are all new. She came up to visit me last weekend, and I checked her phone just before she left and found the account. I did not want to confront her where I might say some things I would regret. I did however get the password.

I have to say, this is where it gets funny, and somewhat pathetic. She has been talking to another guy from her job locally - and I know she has slept over at his house once this last week. She said she was staying over at a girlfriends house to me.. I asked the girlfriend - and she said 'no she didnt.'. I have since investigated the phone records and she has been texting this other guy every day, 50 or more texts a day, for about two weeks. Many of the texts are after midnight - as late as 3 and 4 am - I havent read any of them

So, she has me who she says she is dedicated to.. some guy 2000 miles away who she tells she loves, and a guy back in the city I used to live in.. who she apparently is sleeping with - or at least in some weird relationship with. Wow. What a sad sad hunk of crap she is.

I do not want to be with her anymore. I have given her enough chances. Ive been talking to a lawyer, to see what my options are - he says he can have the petition for divorce served by monday or tuesday.. Im going down tomorrow after work to change the locks to my house (that she has been staying at). I will be gathering up as many of her things as I can and will deliver them to her parents. Who I will tell everything. Basically, your daughter is a crazy wh0re who should not be married, and that I do not want to be involved with anymore. I know she is just stringing me along.

Here is where it gets interesting: I have a question. I joined a cycling club up here shortly after moving. There is a super attractive woman in the club that I have talked to a few times, only casually. The club went on a ride last night, and we all hung out for coffee. Everyone else took off - her and I hung out and continued to chat. She asked if I wanted to get together this weekend for a drink, and I said OK. I was very honest about my situation - and told her I was married (I havent worn my wedding ring for a week) but getting a divorce very very soon. She didnt bat an eye, and still wants to get together this weekend.

Is it a bad idea for me to go out with this woman? She is super extremely hot eastern euro woman - 33 y/o and we have a ton in common. She, I kid you not, looks like a retired model and is approximately 10 times hotter than my wife, has no kids - and I have so much more in common with her.. Im in a no-fault state, so I dont think this could be held against me in divorce. opinions?? Should I wait?
 
#235 · (Edited)
Sorry to read this post from you.

Play a straight bat with her parents and let them know exactly what she is doing. Do so as soon as you can , if necessary let them know you have the evidence.

File and hit her with everything, don't hold back once you start let her know you have once again caught her and you will not live with a person who does not love you.

As a closing grace if you so wish to expend the effort see if you can take out the long distance OM , he seems to enjoy being secure and is actively helping destroy your marriage. Add the guy she is sleeping with to your list as well.

Is it a bad idea for me to go out with this woman?
Give it time , she should understand , after your divorce she will respect you more for waiting until the divorce is final .
 
#239 ·
Even in a no fault state, the judge will look at your behavior as a measure of your honesty and integrity. Tell the new woman that you have to end your current relationship before your enter a new one. Keep seeing her in a group setting with others present. Not alone until the divorce is final.

How do I know this stuff? I was researching divorce in my "no fault" state for when my wife would finally catch me in my EA. All of the above is from divorce lawyers web pages.
 
#241 ·
To be honest, I think all of this is good news, because it is going to hasten this to its fateful end, that many of us saw coming. Your STBXW will always deceive, until her dying day. It's who she is. Your marriage sounded borderline, even before her EA.

You've given her enough chances. Goodbye to her. Starting a friendship with this other woman is fine, but be careful not to take it too far. Her inviting you and not batting an eye when you mentioned her situation tells me she wants to get laid, actually. If I'm you, I tell her that I am interested, but need to finalize the divorce first before I can take it all the way. And then rush like hell to get the D done.
 
#242 ·
Stay friends for now. You just freakin' found out your wife's still cheating within the past 5 days! You are in no position to be seeing other women. If she likes you, she'll wait.

So what happens to your kids? Are they gonna stay with a woman who can't stop hopping from bed to bed, or are you fighting for custody?
 
#244 ·
Look your wife has left the marriage, with multiple men. You are getting rid of her. Why should you put your life on hold when there is nothing to hold on for?

Go on the date, and enjoy it and the woman. You've been honest with her, why hold back on the one life you have.

If you had kids,or any hope of R, I'd say something different, but in ths case there isno hope for R.
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#246 ·
Good luck with your new relationship! Take it slow, though. You still are not divorced yet, and BH sometimes makes mistake of jumping into another relationship too fast in a situation like yours and get burned down the line. Take it slow.

As for your WW, I think it's crazy that you even stayed this long with her. What a *****!
 
#247 ·
Im not going to start a new relationship. The cyclist girl knows it.. It just seems like she sincerely likes me and wants to spend time together. We will see. Nothing is going to happen until either a) everything is final or b) legally separated. I may hurry and legally separate, so I can go on with my life while the divorce goes through. I have to talk to my lawyer about it.

Right now, the wife thinks everything is peachy. Its not. Its a nice feeling - after so long to have a very attractive woman-yes, a woman - be interested. When I say attractive, this woman looks like she just stepped out of a fitness magazine - but has euro model features. If she just wanted to get laid - she could get laid in a nanosecond. My wife is a still a little girl who thinks its her way or the highway. Wrong. Ive done everything I can - she is nothing but lying filth. She will get nothing from me.
 
#248 ·
p.s. : I think she is over at the local dude's house tonight.. she said she is going to a girlfriend's house. I checked her call/text logs and the only person she has talked to other than me is that guy. I know where he lives, and am having a friend go over and take a picture of her car there in a few hours. take that.
 
#250 ·
In retrospect, I wonder the same thing. I mean, I did everything for her - and when I wanted something for myself I got meanness.. I bought her a car.. and after 3 years of driving a pile of sh!t, I wanted to buy my own new car. I got 'when I see your new car, Im going to spit on it' I ignored the comment - and bought the car I wanted. She didn't spit on it. I was foolish - and in love with the notion of having a family. In love with her son. In love with only notions. That love is not enough to keep me in a relationship - and with someone who does not respect me.

She will find out soon enough what she lost. I am a great catch. The catch that she chose to throw overboard. After she goes through man after man.. realizing that few men want a divorced woman with child - she will call me. I wont answer the phone.
 
#252 ·
Again, When you go out with this lady, don't expect anything. No expectations. Someone already posted that if things are headed VERY good in your favor. Explain to her that you want to take things slow and get your divorce finalized. She may respect that, because she'll think that you want to do right by her and, in the meantime, your getting to know HER as a woman and person. And you're not using her.

By the way, after your date you are required to post details! Not...you know.....DETAILS...but how it went.
 
#255 ·
Hi folks.. Sorry I havent posted in a while - I have just been living my life. My divorce is in the works - my stbx is now living with her parents and I have rented my first house out. Her parents know everything - her friends know everything - since I told them all - and she really has nowhere else to go. Basically I screwed her - because I waited for her gig to be over, then told her that I no longer wished to be married to her. She has no idea of how to save money or pay bills or take care of herself. Too bad for her - she is getting almost nothing in the D. We just split the cash we had down the middle and I have since moved my money into another account.

Most of her friends have lost respect for her, because there is no way she could gaslight me with the insurmountable evidence I have.

I wont get into details, but lets just say it wasnt very pretty at first. She tried everything in the book to make me feel terribly, like I was invading per privacy, like I was a scumbag, etc. Unfortunately for her - I have verifiable proof that she is a cheater. (like a picture of her car at a guy's house early in the morning, naked photos of herself, emails of her pronouncing her love for another man (another another man)) She eventually broke down and became remorseful (mostly after all of her friends and family told her she is a complete fool) She has signed the papers - and is agreeing to an amicable divorce.

To be very honest, I do not miss the rollercoaster of emotions. I dont miss her telling me how much she loves me and cant live without me - only to know she is saying the same thing to another guy - and possibly spreading her legs for another man. She is a person that will skate along from guy to guy until she realizes her looks have dried up, and so have the men. Her son will lose respect for her - and be confused. I feel bad for them all. She will realize that life is more than about her, and what she wants and thinks.

As for me, I am great. I am good friends with that Ukrainian chick. Well, more than friends. We get along great, hang out all the time, and really enjoy each other's company. She knows what I am going through, and is patiently waiting out the D. I wouldnt say that her and I are dating at this point - even though we have talked about it. I think its best that we not be intimate, or even publicly affectionate until this is all over - in case my wife has something up her sleeves. For a CYA I have also been having my new job pay me my old salary right now until we get the D settled - which should be by febuary. Once the D is finalized Im going to get a retro check for about 15k. Hawaii and new motorcycle are in my not so distant future.

Thanks for everyone's support.

Life is good.
 
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