So my H and i were switching cars the other day and i came out to the garage and he was doing a very through cleaning of his car.
I said, not even thinking about it.. "You afraid I might find something". He said " Is it always gonna be like this"..
His reply makes me want to punch him in face.
It has been 15 months since affair. 12 months since i sucked the rest of the lies out of him. I think they were the rest, really like i tell him now, I will know my marriage has been repaired when I would be shocked to find out he was having A.
So, he makes random comments here and there, like I don't get to play the "affair card" . He doesn't say "get over it" but I can feel that is on his mind.
After I caught him in the last lie, we didn't speak too much about the afair. Every thing he "admittied" was forced because I had concrete evidence against him. Not one thing that was discovered was him coming forward with it on his own> but whatever, I am over that part. I think he would have died trying to cover his ass.
So, we have not spoke about A in MC, very little. We mainly started with the dysfunctions that have led us up to the A. Like for example, he has still not given me a good answer why he had the affair, or what exactly led him to the lonely path he choose.
In the beginning, he was remorseful to a point. However, he said I took away all his friends, mad he could't do his hobbies. A selfish person. He then started taking classes like 5 months into our R. Well of course he had little time to work on his marriage.
I sort of expected some jewerly, love notes, surprise get aways, more date nights, there has been little of that. In fact, he is dealing with his own anger issues, now so I guess I just feel plain jipped in the being treated like a princess ...
Anyway, I feel I still every right in the world to question my H on whatever I see necessary. Espeially since he is still holding most intimate feelings hostage. Rarely talks about anything that doesn't have to with our child, our yard, his boat, or fishing trips..
It's like he sucks me in with having an emotional break through every few months, where he will cry and say he needs me. Then i think ok, he is working through things, we can may be a happy family.
There is a lot of resentment about his selfish ways through the years, I will not lie. He sees it a little bit, but there is something holding him back from just being completely out on the table, raw as hell type of attitude.
same question as the above. get out. dont expect luxuries, it's obviously not in his nature. and if he does get it for you, he's doing it so he can have his "normal" life back. im speaking from experience. you dont need this guy.
I believe you will have some level of suspicision for the rest of your marriage; perhaps a different question is how long will you have a right to say something about that suspicion. I would ay that, too, is for the rest of your life at your choosing. If you're feeling it, you have a right to say it, I believe. And he ought to be more supportive in allowing you to express your suspicions and why you have them until the time you don't feel the need to say anything.
I agree with ClipClop - if he's not really working on the repair nor transparent, why DO you want to stay? Is it simply for the child?
The other thing is that sometimes I can see that his fear that I will leave him is in complete control of him.
What the heck do I do with that. it is such an annoying cycle.
He feels backed in corner, acts out by being verbally nasty
I am either now quiet, or keep my reaction to a min
an hour of silence
he comes back to me saying he sorry, he over reacted.
He IS afraid you will leave, AND he lashes out in anger because the reason you'd consider leaving is because of what he did. It is a vicious cycle; MC should be helping with this need to find ways to communicate effectively with each other.
That is where my frustration level is meeting a new high.
He rarely discusses his IC. Which is fine to a point. but then i find out he is STILL trying to identify his emotions.. Not to sound cruel but this seems ridiculous to me. he has been in counseling a year.
He put himself in that corner. You staying so he doesn't have to face what he has done is nothing short of enabling. He is a manipulative baby. Who cares who the real him is? If he can't demonstrate a consistent self, he is refusing responsiblity. When he gets his act together you can think about getting back together. Right now I would kick him out.
Stop living for him. Get out. Find a grown-up and not some emotionally stunted cheater. Posted via Mobile Device
I suppose this is a big part of me that sees him with our daughter and I so badly want to shake him into being the H i need. It does break my heart think of her living in two different places, why should i have to share her because he is this way. -that's the emotional part of me. Of course I do not want her exposed to an unhappy marriage.
our mc makes it sound like we are making progress. I think that is why i am confused. He does'nt say much in MC, when he does it's not often anything from the heart but more him being defensive.
But when she is sitting there telling us what a good job we are doing, some days are really good. It is confusing when he then goes off the deep end and acts like this.
ClipClop- wow, that totally clicked.. he is NOT demostrating a consistant self that is for sure. and being a baby, yes that too. I kind of realized today that it almost seems like he is just feeling sorry for himself.
Wow, thanks everyone, talking this out with you guys has helped me step out of my emotional self for a moment.
Of course he will cry and say he needs you. He will do that until you feel bad for him and give in. And then he will continue to pamper you and act like the most affectionate husband there is. And he will continue doing so until you trust again. Us women think with our stupid hearts not our brains. We give in so easily. Even after being betrayed, we learn to "trust" again. Once the trust has been achieved and things are back to "normal" he will start to play around all over again. Once the cat's away, the mice will play. Ive been in your situation. It sucks. Ive had all my comfort stolen from me. I used to be unable to sleep unless hes sleeping besides me. If he woke to go to the bathroom, I'd start to wonder. If I'd see him on his laptop or phone my mood would flip 360. I started to resent him. He stole all my comfort from our used-to-be innocent relationship. The resent grew deeper by the day. Until the love started declining. I told him I am not in love with him anymore and he couldnt get it through his thick head. He thought I was being stubborn. But I was dead on serious. I didnt catch him in one affair. I caught him in three. And those are the ones I know about. It kills me to think I invested 5 years of my youth with this liar. But then again I still am young and I know I can make something of myself once I get out of that door. All this and yes I still have not gotten out of that door. I still havent grown the balls to do it. Why? because I live on hope. Am I hopeful? Not at all. He will never change. I pray that soon enough I'll open the door and not look back.
Of course he will cry and say he needs you. He will do that until you feel bad for him and give in. And then he will continue to pamper you and act like the most affectionate husband there is. And he will continue doing so until you trust again. Us women think with our stupid hearts not our brains. We give in so easily. Even after being betrayed, we learn to "trust" again. Once the trust has been achieved and things are back to "normal" he will start to play around all over again. Once the cat's away, the mice will play. Ive been in your situation. It sucks. Ive had all my comfort stolen from me. I used to be unable to sleep unless hes sleeping besides me. If he woke to go to the bathroom, I'd start to wonder. If I'd see him on his laptop or phone my mood would flip 360. I started to resent him. He stole all my comfort from our used-to-be innocent relationship. The resent grew deeper by the day. Until the love started declining. I told him I am not in love with him anymore and he couldnt get it through his thick head. He thought I was being stubborn. But I was dead on serious. I didnt catch him in one affair. I caught him in three. And those are the ones I know about. It kills me to think I invested 5 years of my youth with this liar. But then again I still am young and I know I can make something of myself once I get out of that door. All this and yes I still have not gotten out of that door. I still havent grown the balls to do it. Why? because I live on hope. Am I hopeful? Not at all. He will never change. I pray that soon enough I'll open the door and not look back.
Did he admit to any of the A. Sometimes when my H does have those moments where is overwhelmed with his own emotions and acts all sad, I just wait for him to say that he has other A. I hate it.
Again, why is my MC giving me such hope. is that just what they are doing to do..
At first he didnt. Until I showed proof. And thats each and every time. All of his affairs. I never approached him or confronted him unless I was sure that i had proof. His denying would begin and he would make up the stupidest lamest excuses. Until Id present him with all evidence. Then he would give in. His lies killed me more than the affairs himself. I hate liars more than anything in this world. If you can lie you can do anything.
How long do I have a right to be suspicious?? 
