Because she is selfish and immature, that's why. She comitted domestic violence, yes destroying personal property is domestic violence and could have been arreste for it. She is a take, take, take, type of person, and would NEVER EVER be satisified. You could burn in hell for her and she wouldn't be satisfied. You even sing her lullaby songs at bedtime for goodness sakes. You treated her like a princess, and still that wasnt enough for her, and in the end she treated like a toad to be cast away.
Something is broken within her and you cannot fix her, she needs professional help for that. This is truly your time of trial.
So what the hell do I do? I blew eleven years on that girl. I'm 30, I haven't been on a first date in over a decade. What am I supposed to do with the memories? The presents we used to buy for each other? What am I supposed to do every time one of her hairs gets caught between my toes? I haven't even been able to throw her bathroom towel into the laundry for Christ's sake.
She just gets to walk away, start a new life, and forget everything. I'm the one left with ghosts and broken promises.
So what the hell do I do? I blew eleven years on that girl. I'm 30, I haven't been on a first date in over a decade. What am I supposed to do with the memories? The presents we used to buy for each other? What am I supposed to do every time one of her hairs gets caught between my toes? I haven't even been able to throw her bathroom towel into the laundry for Christ's sake.
She just gets to walk away, start a new life, and forget everything. I'm the one left with ghosts and broken promises.
What do you do? You pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off. That's what you do. You will recover. You will be better. It hurts. All of us in the forum have been through this and survived. You will too.
And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.
You're a pastor, so you know it will be the Lord to judge her.
Well, to start you try to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. It's not helpful and just keeps you in a place where things are done to you, and not in a place where you can control your own life, choices and happiness.
Second, you accept that you are going to hurt for sometime. Infidelity and abandonment are very difficult to cope with. But her choices are not your responsibility. So you accept that you are going to hurt, mourn and feel bad.
Third, you take steps to better understand yourself, your patterns, what you do to contribute to your own unhappiness. Start by reading the links in lordmayhem's post.
Her decision to leave how she did is cruel. But to me it feels like your posts indicate co-dependency, and hint at a lot of the "nice guy" characteristics that are bad for you. This is your chance to really look at yourself and decide what is working for you and what is not.
What do you do? You pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off. That's what you do. You will recover. You will be better. It hurts. All of us in the forum have been through this and survived. You will too.
And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.
You're a pastor, so you know it will be the Lord to judge her.
Quoted for truth.
You are still young and it looks like you are a victim of marrying too young. When women hit 30 something changes in them and many marriages fall apart at the time.
Don’t pursue her. Odds are she’ll come snooping around once she realizes you are not stalking her like she expects. She thinks she can just walk away but after a couple of months of NC the negative feelings she has for the M will fade and she’ll start to miss it again.
Also in 90% of these cases there’s going to be another man involved. Women don’t up and leave a marriage without having a backup in the wings.
Right now just focus on you and what you want for yourself in the future. You don’t need a woman, remember that. When you are happy with yourself then everything will start going your way again.
And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.
Me, too. You think you're being a great husband by doing so. It still sounds crazy to me, but lordmayhem is right on the money.
Sorry you are here. You can't blame yourself. Like someone else said, something is broke inside of her. Exercise helps lessen the pain somewhat.
I can't begin to fathom the amount of pain and anguish you are going through, because my wife cheated but didn't leave me. I hope you don't lose your faith in Jesus over this. I think that may be exactly what the enemy wants you to do. You really aren't going through all of this alone. As a pastor, you above all, should know that when you weep, the Lord weeps. When you're broken, battered and bruised, his spirit comforts you. When you feel like you've had all you can stand can't go on, he carries you. All of the advice in the world won't heal your broken spirit and mine cries for your pain. Please turn to the Lord and lean on him for support. He loves you so much as to know the number of hairs on your head and collect your tears because they are so precious to him.
As for your wife, I am going to agree with everyone else on here. You need to accept what has happened and begin to move on with your life. I know you are at a loss as to how to begin. First, you need to allow yourself time to grieve and not worry about jumping right into another relationship. You wouldn't be doing yourself any good or the person you would be with. In time the anguish will subside and you will know when it's truly time to start dating again. You will always love your wife. That will never change. She just doesn't seem to have the same love for you that you have for her. You will survive this and come out a stronger person in the end.
If your wife should return to you, I would say to tread very carefully and set ground rules on her return. You don't want to end up in the same situation with her again. You need to be stern and not put her up on a pedestal any longer. She never belonged there in the first place. She needs to know that you are the head of your household and that you will not stand for her behavior any longer. If she truly believes that she is the way she is, because of her childhood, then she needs to get individual counseling. Basically, she needs to take ownership for her actions, show remorse and repentance to you, and do her hardest to show you that she loves you as much as you love her. The burden of the hard work will be on her because she is the one who transgressed here. If she's not willing to do all this and more, then you need to rethink taking her back. You need to make her aware of what it's going to take to heal you from this and hold her accountable for her actions.
I wish you the best of luck my good friend and will keep you in my prayers. May the Lord bless you and keep you.
You need to accept what has happened and begin to move on with your life.
Easier ssaid than done... this is 10 years, man. I was only with GF for 3, and I still have a hard time letting go- 10 f@cking years.
I don't think she's coming back, dude.
You posted on the infidelity forum... where's the proof of infidelity anyway? This sounds like abandonment to me. Unless, like I said earlier, she has something going with this couple, or the hubby alone.
Do you know for a fact that there was an OM? It's possible that she just told you that she had a (false) affair just to get away.
It's possible, but what does it matter? I have a signed letter stating that she did. If she came back and said she was lying about the infidelity, it puts me in the difficult position-- either she was lying then, or she's lying now.
Hate to post a simple cliche type response but after reading alot of the same gobble-dee
gook prior (to mine) i have to tell ya yer worst enemy shall
become your best friend......eventually.....& that is:
TIME...
go ahead, feel bad/sorry for
yourself. get angry. plan mayhem/mercy. u'll cover the whole
spectrum of emotions and rational & irrational thought. just dont turn them into words and actions (if u can pray hard
enuff to God when u hit yer knees, as u will hit yer knees
often, right WMouse?)
no easy answers. no easy solutions other than time. chances
are u'll see/deny u were such a boob in the 1st place after
much time has passed, should no miracle transpire for u 2.
one poster was right to say, u are fortunate to be only 30,
if there is a silver lining for u to focus on. try imagining being
50 something and yer W has been sleeping all over town b4
she finally wigged out and split a 20+ yr marriage. (not me)
could be worse, much worse. dont get me started proving this
pt pls.
so, go ahead. go thru the phases. but dont stay put in them.
for life is short, and if u believe in God, HE's got yer back tho'
u dont see it now. HE'll deliver something special for u once
u've learnt whatever lessons HE wants u to learn here, perhps
to be a better pastor in the long run. u'll see.
shalom is available to you. u should know this, and know how.
Whether or not there was an OM is not the issue, and signed letters are worth the paper they are written on. The fact is, it sounds like she was unhappy for a long time, and just now found the gall to leave. I know that you are going through some intense pain right now, but hang in there-one day, you will live again.
I think of a song by Mumford and Sons:
"You are not alone in this,
You are not alone in this,
As brothers we will stand,
And we'll hold your hand...
...hold your hand."
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Re: My Wife Cheated And Left 
from the book called "easier said than done" 
