AppleDucklings

There seems to be a lot of newly betrayed spouse's on here and so I wanted to write this for you. I have been in your shoes. I have felt the same fear and panic you are feeling. I am an "old pro" at being sh*t on. For nearly 15 years, I was cheated on, lied to and manipulated. There is a lot I have learned from my experience and from being on this website. There is a lot of crazy, unbelievable things your cheating spouse will do. That person you thought you knew...you don't know them anymore. Never underestimate what they will do to cover up an affair or to down-size one if the affair has already been exposed.
1.They will lie to you: I don't care if you've been married since the creation of dirt, your cheating spouse will look you in the eye and bold faced lie to you. And they won't think twice about telling you a lie either. In fact, lying becomes second nature to them. They lie so much and so often, they actually begin to believe themselves. This is part of justifying the affair to themselves. The lying serves two purposes. One, it keeps you at bay. Two, it helps to keep them from feeling any guilt because they feel what you don't know, can't hurt you. And as long as it remains hidden, there are no consequences to deal with.
2. Excuses: Oh, the excuses! They will have more excuses than you can shake a stick at. These excuses will never make any sense either but as a newly betrayed spouse, you will probably accept the excuses because you dont want to believe what is actually happening. This is when you need to put on your common sense hat and try looking from the outside in. Does his/her excuse of being late from work actually add up? Is it really necessary for them to text the same person nine gabillion times in one day all for work related stuff? And if you ask to read the texts, is there ever a sudden glitch in the phone that causes all those texts to just disappear? But those texts only. If you have already seen some inappropriate texts, your DS (Disloyal Spouse) will tell you things like "We were just kidding.", "It's just for fun and games, it meant nothing.", "I'm sorry, I was caught up in the moment and got carried away." (again, the lying) Yes, you will want to believe these things your DS tells you. There are 3 things in a text that can tell you if an affair is happening: lovey-dovey messages..."I love you, I miss you, I need you, I'm thinking about you." Graphic sexual messages and naked pictures. Think about yourself here and ask yourself if this is something you would do with a friend. Would you send lovey-dovey's to a friend? Would you send graphic sexual messages to a friend? Would you send naked pictures of yourself to a friend? No. Friends don't text friends pictures of their bits! Lovey-Dovey, Sexual talk and naked boobies spell out A-F-F-A-I-R.
3. Blame Shifting: This is where they make the affair your fault. That's not true. It is not your fault. Don't take that crap. Blame shifting here varies from whether of not the affair has been exposed or if it is still hidden. If the affair is still hidden, the DS will make the LS feel bad for even questioning anything. They will cause you to question yourself about everything you questioned them about. They will make you think that you are over reacting.They will say things like "If you really loved me, you would trust me." Now, you feel like you need to prove your love to them. Now they've put you on the spot to where you feel like you have to give them trust or else they won't believe you love them and you want them to know you do love them. If the affair has been exposed, the DS will blame shift with the "You should have's". You should have put out more. You should have been more understanding. You should have communicated better. You should have gave me more attention. If they can put the blame on you, they are justified. If you accept the blame, they are even more justified. Once you accept the blame, they will feed off of that. Don't ever take the blame for their affair. It is never your fault.
4. The Just-A-Friend: This line is classic. Just a friend is NEVER just a friend. The "just a friend" (JAF) is always minimized. #1, #2 and #3 all merge together when speaking about JAF. They lie to you about what their relationship with JAF really is. They make excuses when speaking to JAF and they blame shift on you in an attempt to get you to back off. They don't like the pressure. They often speak very ill of JAF to you. This is to throw you off of what is really going on. If you ever ask to be introduced to JAF, there is always an excuse as to why that's not possible. If you ask to read the text between your spouse and JAF, there is an excuse as to why you can't. Think about it, a person who has nothing to hide, will not only be happy to introduce you but they will hand over their phone for inspection without even blinking. Still be weary here. Don't let this move fool you completely though. Often a DS will have a pre-paid phone hidden to throw you off track.
5.JDLR: Just doesn't look right. As a criminal justice major, we refer to the acronym JDRL which stands for Just doesn't look right. Often if something JDLR, it probably isn't right. If you are still in that suspicious stage, stop and think about things. What JDLR? Are they often coming home late from work? Are they now dressing nicer or more fussy about their appearance? Are they now leaving the room when they get a call? Is their cell phone now locked and kept on silent? Are email accounts that were open before suddenly locked? What is not making sense? Ask yourself these questions. Question everything from changes in their sleep pattern to changes in your sex life.
6.Guilt Trips: The DS will lay these on thick. Let's say the affair has been exposed and you find out the OP is married. You threaten to tell the OP's spouse if they don't stop seeing them right away. They will say things to make you look like the bad guy. "If you tell their H/W, then you will only be destroying a family. I know our marriage is rocky already but do you really want to ruin another family?" or "If you tell the OP's spouse, they will hate you for ruining things. This is just better left in the dark." or "If you tell the OP's spouse, you will only be hurting the kids. Is that what you want? You want to hurt the kids?" Notice the use of the word 'you' and how it is used to lay blame. Don't take that crap. It's part of their game. They are quilting you into not saying anything.They want to keep their affair partner and they know if the other spouse finds out, the game will be over. Actually, you should not threaten to tell the OP's spouse. You should just do it. If you let your DS know beforehand you plan on telling the OP's spouse, you only give them a head's up.
False Remorse: This is where after the DS has been caught and they say they are sorry but they refuse to do what you need. They won't go to MC or IC. They don't want to talk about anything or answer any of your questions. They close up like a clam. You watch them and you can't see anything that suggests they are still in the affair and they've guilted you into thinking that maybe you've been too hard on them (Psssh, too hard? They f*cked somebody else! You are not being too hard!) They are p*ssing and moaning like some 2 year old who didn't get his way. They will say things like "I said I was sorry. What more do you want!" They try to make you feel bad for wanting more. Don't feel bad for wanting the truth. When they do this, most likely the affair has gone underground. A true remorse happens when they become completely transparent about everything with you. No matter what question you ask, they will answer.
I hope this helps some of you newly betrayed's with what to expect and how to handle these things. I'm sorry you are in this most horrible situation. Feel free to ask me any questions about my own experience. (I am now divorced with no regrets)

__________________
"said woman, take it slow, it'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience."-Gun N Roses

ing

Great Post Apple. I agree on all of these.

They will also:
Lie to their children
Tell you it is over when it is not.

SIP

Thank you for posting this ..... I especially like the False Remorse as it describes how my husband is behaving right now. He just wants to move on, and so do I but I also think if he could spend 7 months caring about another woman, having an EA, maybe just maybe he could spend a little time helping me heal by not minimizing his behavior and answering my questions. After all he did cause my pain and I wonder if I will ever look at him in the same light again. He has written two apology letters to me, called the OW in front of me to tell her he could never speak to her again, but to me they are just words, only time will tell I guess.

disbelief

Just as I was thinking about the remorse thing. Very well said.
ANGER, what of their anger? It is hard to know for sure if the DS is angry they got caught or angry they are now in a world of S**t. Remebering that anger is often the presenting behavior for fear and other negative emotions.
My .02

I am going to plug this for newbies..... If you need a support group find a divorce care group if you cannot find anything else, it was the only thing I could find in my area and it has been helpful.
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Shooboomafoo

Spot On Post Jellybeans.

I heard it all too:
"Hes just a friend!!" in an angry and impudent tone as if the mere suggestion of him being something else was "wrong" of me.

"I love you but am not in love with you", "We just changed into different people", " We want different things"

For men, whose wives are in the midst of a fling, the signals were sudden concern over appearance, new makeup, more makeup, more dangly jewelery, nicer dressing as opposed to the sweat suits I always got to see her in.

Mid-day disappearances to "shop" for four hours and coming home with half a small bag of junk from WalMart.

and OMG that freaking cell phone glued to her ear, taken to the bathroom, hidden, password protected, etc. etc. It was all blatant!

I think the worst part for me was the blameshifting/victim mentality she took upon herself. Suddenly her affair, exposed messages on her cellphone, hundreds of cell phone texts to the same man, were nothing, and "WE" were growing apart.
The level of mental twisting of the situation to absolve alllll personal responsibility. Even still, twenty five days away from divorce, and she insists that none of that was an affair, and regularly states "but you wont BELIEVE ME!!!"".... again, my fault eh?

__________________
His delay, is not a denial.

Jellybeans

That was Apple's post not mine! LOL

Great post, Apple. And hi! I hope you are well! ::waves::

Lily_B

Thanks for posting this. The False Remorse is so RIGHT on. Wow....is all I can say at the moment.

ing

This is indeed the hardest bit. I regularly get emails about appalling my behavior when she told me she was in love with someone else.
How my behavior was even worse when she chose to leave the house to make her EA a PA.
Worse still when I told her to fcuk off out of my life when it continued.
The worst sin was when I told her I would not be a friend to her. This was almost impossible for her accept.
All my fault.. Always will be I think..

mfjb

AppleDucklings thank you for this!!!

Reading this is like looking at my relationship for the last couple of months.

There were some things in this that have opened my eyes and now I will re-evaluate.

Again thank you very much!

betterme

appleduckling..your threads reminds me of my husband, and now we are 7 months separated..it's just like "you described him",..he is a totally serial cheater..he cheated not once but 7 times, how lucky i am right?hahaha.the pain is still here, but i need to continue my life for me and most specially to my daughter!i know, someday he will realized that he's not my lost, i tried to be a perfect wife for him...but he choose to cheat and cheat instead of taking good care of his own family!

Saki

Don't forget gaslighting.

They'll lie to you. Then you tell them they are lying, and they'll tell you how crazy you are to even consider that they are lying to you.

My WS tried to convince me to go check into a hospital.

It makes me shudder...

slainte

I am new to this site AppleDucklings but your post unfortunately describes my husband to a tee.
He started dressing better about three months ago.That is the same time his phone was put to silent.
I went to the store to look for a VAR today but no luck. From your post, I probably don't even need one. Your post could have been about my husband.

Numb-badger

They even lie to you when you hold solid evidence up to their faces!
I suppose it's easier for them to stonewall with lies than to accept that they're in the wrong.

__________________
I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.

PreRaphaelite

Let's all remember and sing along with that golden oldie from Biz Markie:


Biz Markie - Just A Friend (Official Video) - YouTube

Pault

Well Apple you hit so many nails on the head there. Can I suggest that the post you made is pinned for new members to read on entry because it makes absolute sense and is brief, clear and accurate.

Well done ........................