Ok, not sort of, I did cheat. Not in the way most people normally think of when they hear the word cheating. At least not fully. But it is cheating none the less. I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During this time and even before I have done many different things to cheat. I have many times attempted to illicit sexual relations with other women. I have kissed other women. There has been heavy petting, Pictures have been traded, I have received OS on one occasion. Some of these things my wife knows about, many she does not. We also have a 6 yr. old daughter. My wife and daughter have been on vacation for a week down at the beach. The other night I met a woman and we made out and such... I broke it off before anything really happened. I usually do, I try to convince myself that it makes it ok. It doesn't though, I know that. My marriage has a lot of problems, this isn't the only one...but I really want it to work, to do that I know I have to come clean. I'm going down to the beach in the morning and will be there with them and my in-laws for a week. I want to tell her ASAP, but don't know if I should tell her when I get down there. I don't want to ruin their vacation, but I don't want her to think later that the whole vacation was a lie either when I do tell her.
Wait until they come back. If you drop the bomb while they are on vacation, then vacation, not just this one, will never be the same for your family. If your marriage survives this, NEVER let the family take another vacation without you, or at least not for a very long time.
Just keep in mind disclosing all of this to her is just the beginning. There is a lot of work to be done and I doubt the two of you can do it on your own. Counseling can help. Another route my spouse and I took was to read "Getting Past The Affair" together, working through the exercises at the end of each chapter.
You need to spare no expense in this. Be happy that your marriage has a fighting chance. My wife cheated on me, left me, and is now determined to never let me know where she is.
You have no idea how lucky you are. Get the both of you to counseling. And don't ever cheat on her again.
We've talked about counseling in the past. But we can't afford it.
If you think counseling is expensive, wait till you price out a divorce!
Seriously, as someone who has cheated... Give up the cheating and drag your issues with your marriage out in the open where they can be dealt with. No matter how painful the conversations are. I wouldn't do it while you're on holidays; wait till you're back home. But either deal with it properly, or end the marriage. For her sake and yours. You're not doing her any favors.
When you talk to her, don't give her the trickle truth, giving her pieces of what happened over a period of time. Don't lie to her to protect her feelings or make yourself look better. Don't tell her you "sort of cheated". Don't blame her for your decision to cheat. Offer full transparency into your communication; cell phone, email, Facebook...
If you think counseling is expensive, wait till you price out a divorce!
Seriously, as someone who has cheated... Give up the cheating and drag your issues with your marriage out in the open where they can be dealt with. No matter how painful the conversations are. I wouldn't do it while you're on holidays; wait till you're back home. But either deal with it properly, or end the marriage. For her sake and yours. You're not doing her any favors.
When you talk to her, don't give her the trickle truth, giving her pieces of what happened over a period of time. Don't lie to her to protect her feelings or make yourself look better. Don't tell her you "sort of cheated". Don't blame her for your decision to cheat. Offer full transparency into your communication; cell phone, email, Facebook...
C Posted via Mobile Device
As someone who cheated also - this is top notch advice. Do this!!!
Let her have her vacation. She will always remember this day and you don't want it to be when she is on vacation. It will hurt a little bit more because of that.
Do not have sex with her until you tell her. Trust me. That parts kills me inside. That I have had sex with my husband after he had touched someone else. That should be her choice not yours.
Tell her EVERYTHING. Don't all of a sudden get an concious and leave out what you think might hurt her more. She needs to know EVERYTHING.
Do NOT say anything about your marriage being bad or anything about her as a wife/lover/mother/friend (even if you have something to say). Just tell her what you did and answer questions as they come. What you say to her in the moments and days after she finds this out will make or break her as a woman. Don't let her believe this is her fault.
Contact a MC immediately. Get a second job. Sell oranges on the highway. Sell your kidneys. I don't care how you do it, you have to do it. You have to show her you want to fix this and if she doesn't believe that she will either leave you or stay and think you never wanted to fix it (which is worse).
When you talk to her, don't give her the trickle truth, giving her pieces of what happened over a period of time. Don't lie to her to protect her feelings or make yourself look better. Don't tell her you "sort of cheated". Don't blame her for your decision to cheat. Offer full transparency into your communication; cell phone, email, Facebook...
C Posted via Mobile Device
So....offer full transparency into communication. Are we talking past, or present? Or is it both? This scares me a little, she would be so hurt.
So....offer full transparency into communication. Are we talking past, or present? Or is it both? This scares me a little, she would be so hurt.
Full disclosure, that means the past as well. IF you are truly remorseful and want to fix your marriage, then you had better be completely on the LEFT side of this chart. Don't evey try to rug sweep!
Stop trying to fool yourself that what you did is not as "bad" as some other definition of cheating you're working up in your mind.
OWN IT.
You are a serial cheat.
Stop doing it and repair yourself and your marriage by being truthful.
But you can wait until your wife gets home from vacation to be truthful. You cannot wait until the end of the vacation to stop your crappy behavior though. It must stop immediately!
My daughters Birthday is the week after we get back from vacation. I'm guessing I should probably wait until after then too?
Here is another question. I know my wife didn't deserve for me to do this. I feel guilt, or at least shame. But I also feel like this isn't a one sided issue. I don't think that she has been cheating on me. But I do feel like I'm not getting what I need from her (I'm not just talking about sex). I know that by no way this makes what I did ok, but is it wrong for me to feel this way?
If there are problems in your marriage work them out with a professional marriage counselor.
Your decision to serially cheat is strictly your own. Nobody is making you do this.
I understand that it was strictly my decision. I don't blame her for my actions ...well, maybe I am letting myself a little, but I know in my head that it has been my decision and not hers. I know when I tell her she is going to be extremely hurt. But does that mean I can't be hurting as well?
I guess my question is really more this:
There are multiple issues with our relationship. While my cheating may or may not stem from these issues, it's probably best to discuss the cheating by itself when we talk about it? And deal with the other issues in their own context?
Michzz is right. You are doing a little bit of blameshifting here. Not completely, but some. You have to be humble and remorseful when you tell her, and not say BUT HERE'S WHY...
Come out with it. It will then be HER decision whether or not to stay with you and work on your marriage. If she does, consider yourself lucky. Only THEN can you tell her what you haven't been getting in the marriage, as part of the recovery/rebuilding process.
Have you expressed your complaints before? Even if you have, cheating was not the option. My W did the same thing - it's the easy way to deal, and the cowardly way.
I sort of cheated.... 
Re: I sort of cheated.... 
