Have been suspicious for a few months. We have been married just over a year, have been together longer though. Confronted him tonight as he was supposd to be away with the TA for the weekend, things weren't adding up. He admitted has been seeing someone for the past few months. Totally devastated. Don't know what to do with myself
I'm sorry to find you in this type of situation.
I can't even imagine what emotions you are going through so I won't try to understand.
First thing is to find your support network. Parents, Friends, Church.. whatever. Someone to talk to. Don't keep all of this in your head running the movie over and over. Write it down if you have to. This time ahead of you is going to be the most important time for your marriage possibly ever. Don't do anything rash or impulsive.
Again, i'm new to this and was the cheating husband in my marriage so I have not been on the receiving end. I just know how my wife reacted at first was by going to her parents home and having loved ones surround her.
First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. She had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), etc. Yet she chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Man (OM) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your wife is now a Wayward Wife (WW), so consider as such. She will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for her, OM provided for her needs because you couldn’t, etc.
The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with her. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives her away. Trying your best to be the best husband doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy she has built up with the OM.
Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you need to find out is if this is an Emotional Affair (EA) only, or if this has progressed to a Physical Affair (PA). What you also need to find out is who exactly the OM is, his identity, if he’s married, and if he’s married, his Betrayed Wife’s (BW) contact information. You will need this info later on.
What you should not do is confront her too early about the Affair (A). You are going to need to gather all the information that you possibly can before confrontation. We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent her from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WW, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) her, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom!
If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords.
Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A.
Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR).
A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.
Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WW. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WW will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WW will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. She will try to blame you for the A, tell you she has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!
She will say that she does not know what she wants. This is called fence sitting. She wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with her OM. Do not stand for this. It is either you or him. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners.
Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WW will usually contact the OM about what happened. The WW usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg her to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak.
Another common tactic that the WS does is to cry and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground.
If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc.
If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?
Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WW will allow you to know if she has broken NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and she is doing her part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring her since she has rebuilt some trust.
First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. She had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), etc. Yet she chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Man (OM) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your wife is now a Wayward Wife (WW), so consider as such. She will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for her, OM provided for her needs because you couldn’t, etc.
The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with her. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives her away. Trying your best to be the best husband doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy she has built up with the OM.
Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you need to find out is if this is an Emotional Affair (EA) only, or if this has progressed to a Physical Affair (PA). What you also need to find out is who exactly the OM is, his identity, if he’s married, and if he’s married, his Betrayed Wife’s (BW) contact information. You will need this info later on.
What you should not do is confront her too early about the Affair (A). You are going to need to gather all the information that you possibly can before confrontation. We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent her from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WW, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) her, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom!
If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords.
Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A.
Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR).
A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.
Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WW. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WW will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WW will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. She will try to blame you for the A, tell you she has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!
She will say that she does not know what she wants. This is called fence sitting. She wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with her OM. Do not stand for this. It is either you or him. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners.
Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WW will usually contact the OM about what happened. The WW usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg her to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak.
Another common tactic that the WS does is to cry and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground.
If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc.
If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?
Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WW will allow you to know if she has broken NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and she is doing her part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring her since she has rebuilt some trust.
Thanks for your reply but its the wife being cheated on here and he has admitted it.
Again, i'm new to this and was the cheating husband in my marriage so I have not been on the receiving end. I just know how my wife reacted at first was by going to her parents home and having loved ones surround her.
I hope this helped
Thanks for your reply. I spoke to the OW and she said she will back off but obviously don't know how much I can trust that. Had a pretty sleepless night, he says he wants our marriage to work and he can't believe he hurt me etc etc. All just words.
Just switch it around, and what has he admitted exactly? Just that he's been seeing someone else? Is the OW married or in a relationship? How long has it been going on? Is it an EA or PA or both?
The usual,was just a friend at first the progressed to a PA. Apparently her relationship has already ended because of this.
Apparently? Do you know this because HE told you, or did you find out on your own. I ask this because a lot of times, the WS will say that the OMH is already divorcing his WW, or doesn't care, because he doesn't want you to expose the A to the other betrayed spouse. Is the OW a coworker? Did they use protection? How many times did they do it? Did you get tested for STDs?
What you need to understand is that you cannot trust a word that your WH or the OW says. She says she will back off, right? Your WH says he's sorry right? You have to verify this.
1. You need to have your WH write her a No Contact (NC) letter, stating that he will not ever contact her again and she will not contact him. If the OW contacts your WH and he doesn't report it to you, that is also breaking NC because it's a lie of omission.
2. If he's truly remorseful, he must be willingly transparent. That means handing over any and all passwords to any accounts. If he's truly sorry, he'll do anything to rebuild trust with you, and that means being transparent. Also, he must be accountable for his physical whereabouts. You should also be ready to verify that there is NC and that the A is dead.
3. He must agree to MC if you so choose it.
Be very aware that it's very common for one of the affair partners to break NC and attempt to re-establish contact. This is called "fishing". Remember, an A is like an addiction. One of them will likely fish. It can be as simple as "how are you?", "hope you're okay", etc.
It's up to you to decide if you want to give him the precious gift of Reconciliation (R), or to walk away from the marriage. To me, it's a VERY bad indication that he's already cheating after just being married over a year. Sure, you've been together longer, but he swore vows to you in front of God, family, and friends, to forsake all others and be faithful to you. He just spat on those vows.
Apparently? Do you know this because HE told you, or did you find out on your own. I ask this because a lot of times, the WS will say that the OMH is already divorcing his WW, or doesn't care, because he doesn't want you to expose the A to the other betrayed spouse. Is the OW a coworker? Did they use protection? How many times did they do it? Did you get tested for STDs?
What you need to understand is that you cannot trust a word that your WH or the OW says. She says she will back off, right? Your WH says he's sorry right? You have to verify this.
1. You need to have your WH write her a No Contact (NC) letter, stating that he will not ever contact her again and she will not contact him. If the OW contacts your WH and he doesn't report it to you, that is also breaking NC because it's a lie of omission.
2. If he's truly remorseful, he must be willingly transparent. That means handing over any and all passwords to any accounts. If he's truly sorry, he'll do anything to rebuild trust with you, and that means being transparent. Also, he must be accountable for his physical whereabouts. You should also be ready to verify that there is NC and that the A is dead.
3. He must agree to MC if you so choose it.
Be very aware that it's very common for one of the affair partners to break NC and attempt to re-establish contact. This is called "fishing". Remember, an A is like an addiction. One of them will likely fish. It can be as simple as "how are you?", "hope you're okay", etc.
It's up to you to decide if you want to give him the precious gift of Reconciliation (R), or to walk away from the marriage. To me, it's a VERY bad indication that he's already cheating after just being married over a year. Sure, you've been together longer, but he swore vows to you in front of God, family, and friends, to forsake all others and be faithful to you. He just spat on those vows.
I spoke directly to her after I made him give me the password from his mobile phone and phoned her (after promising I wouldn't but hey he made promises to me). She told me her relationship had 'suffered' and ended due to this and she wouldn't see him or contact him and I said thats just words.
Allegedly only twice and protected so he says. He hasn't stoppped texting me all morning with the usual sorries, love you's etc. To which I replied sorry you got caught.
TY
Wow. How long have you been together before marriage?
I think I would end it. No kids, short marriage.
Guy who is vulnerable to EA turning PA and so soon after a marriage.
My response is not merely theoretical.
Gee, I'm divorcing my H but am still married and would not even think about having sexual relations with anyone, and keep my emotional relationships at a friendship level where they belong.
It's not even that your H doesn't care about your marriage. It's that he doesn't care about his own reputation and is doing something guaranteed to shoot himself in the foot with regards to a marriage he apparently wanted. I'd not be able to stay married to someone who makes those kinds of decisions for himself. He lacks direction and lacks transparency and lacks the ability, due to living in deceit and constant self-monitoring of his deceit, to have a truly emotionally free and enriched marriage.
It's better to find out than to not find out, about these things.
There are men who do not treat themselves this way.
He can't treat you any better than he has treated himself, it's an impossibility for anyone to treat someone else better than they would treat themselves. It can look like they are, but I don't think it's possible.
Then you have to decide if you are going to D or R. By all means, take your time to decide whether or not to give the precious gift of Reconciliation. He cheated, so he has to earn that shot, it shouldn't be you asking to R with him. In the meantime, you should probably try the 180 from Divorce Busting. It's a tool to help you detach and get stronger, whether or not you decide to R or D.
I agree with Lord mayehm on the point that you need to work on you and what you need to R. I don't agree witht he full idea of 180. Communication with be maintined with yuor wayward spouse (WS) until you make that decision. If you have already decided to R (reconcile), then the two of you need to start MC (marriage counseling and IC (Individual Counseling) to start to work through the issues. On your side the IC should help you find ways to deal with your anger and the often found PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) and triggers and mind movies that accompany it. FOr him, IC shoudl focus on determining why he cheated. MC shoudl focus both on healing both of you and addressing the marital issues thta mde you husband vulnerable.
What have you decided at this point? If it to Divorce (D), I would suggest putting that on hold until you ahve had a chance to get over the shock - give yourself at least 2-3 months before making such a life changing decision.
14 years and three kids.
I wonder if the marriage gave him some kind of permanency where he knew it would be more difficult (at least in his mind) for you to leave and therefore more leeway for him. Or, he just needs a new chase. I am in no way suggesting that you are to blame for this in a responsible sort of way, but did your behavior change, even subtly, do you think, after marriage? It's possible too he thought that now he was married, he was 'safe' for other women to talk to. I think my stbxh thought this...but he was more obvious, he even told me that women are easier to approach when you have a ring on your finger. You don't know the history of his behavior? Did he cheat at any time during those 14 years or is this a new issue?
Just found out husband cheating 
