Not so well. I am feeling just awful. I am coming to terms with the fact that the "dream is dead", and all my efforts over the past 3+ years have been for (worse than) nothing.
What isn't making it easier is that she is continuing the love-bombing campaign. She is being so sweet; good thing I know it's all fake and am not engaging except for business items. And only on the phone, email and in a public place.
When I saw her at the café she looked stunning and acted as though all this awful stuff never happened. She is very good at this. Are BPDers good actors in hiding/ignoring the truth that they recognize, or do they not see what has happened and their operative role/conduct in the disaster?
I hope to file the papers in a week or two.
I am trying to get back into some rhythm of normal life, but it's not easy.
Are BPDers good actors in hiding/ignoring the truth that they recognize, or do they not see what has happened and their operative role/conduct in the disaster?
With regard to their acting ability, yes, BPDers typically are excellent actors and my understanding is that many professional actors have strong BPD traits (although I am inclined to believe that, I certainly don't know it for a fact). Because BPDers have only a fragile, weak sense of who they are, they rely heavily on others for clues as to how they should be behaving in various social situations. They generally don't do this to be manipulative but, rather, to simply be accepted, to fit in, and to be loved. The result is that, because they've been "acting" in that way since early childhood, it is difficult for them to stop. It is an important coping mechanism they have relied on for a lifetime.
With regard to their self awareness, my understanding is that, yes, they typically are aware that the false image they project is not their true self. Indeed, this feeling of often being fake is one of the reasons they have so much self loathing. Moreover, it is one trait that distinguishes them from NPDers (narcissists) because the latter are so completely out of touch with their true selves that they actually are unaware that their projected self image is false. This is why NPDers become so irate when you have the temerity to challenge that false image rather than support it.
Yet, beyond that vague feeling of being fake, high functioning BPDers generally are not aware that the outrageous things they say in support of their strong feelings are wrong. As I've explained in many posts, they rely heavily on projection to protect their weak egos. The beauty of projection -- and the reason it works so well to protect them from the truth -- is that it works entirely at the subconscious level, allowing them to consciously BELIEVE the incredible rationalizations coming out of their mouths.
I said "generally are not aware" of their false claims because BPDers usually will lie when cornered to avoid the intense feeling of shame they suffer when caught in a mistake. During my 15 years of living with my BPDer exW, I quickly learned that I would drive myself crazy if I were determined to tease apart all the lies from all of the projections she really believed in.
Finally, I note that it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to admit to herself that she has strong BPD traits. One reason, as I just mentioned, is the desperate need to avoid triggering the enormous shame carried inside. Another is that BPD traits are ego-syntonic, i.e., are such a natural part of the way she has been thinking since early childhood that these traits are invisible to her.
Hence, although I've communicated with nearly a hundred self-aware BPDers here on the Internet, I've never met one in my private life. What is often so commonplace on the Internet can be a rare event in our private lives. Pidge, for example, has an amazing level of self awareness and ego strength for a person who is suffering from strong BPD traits. She not only recognizes them but is also working hard to manage and control them. This is why I value her contributions so highly on this forum -- and why I'm hopeful she will weigh in on this issue.
Thanks very much, Uptown, for once again giving me something to understand. I recognize I will never know all the "whys" and "whats" in my wife's situation and our marriage, but I can't stop searching for explanations -- the sheer randomness, flip-flopping to extremes, stupidity and weirdness of it all is leaving me reeling.
(Yes, I think I would have preferred a generic exit by a more normal wife, who says something like "I have fallen in love with another man. Sorry, I'm leaving." That would hurt but at least be clear and concise.)
I guess it will take me a long while to get over it ...
But thanks again for being there. You guys have been a real vital lifeline for me over the past few weeks.
I think I would have preferred a generic exit by a more normal wife, who says something like "I have fallen in love with another man. Sorry, I'm leaving." That would hurt but at least be clear and concise.
Yes, all ex-partners complain of the lack of any sense of "closure" when the relationship ends. On top of that, they typically lose all mutual friends because the BPDer is so scathing and vindictive that she will say awful things about the ex-partner. Because she believes much of it, she can be very convincing to folks who've never seen her dark side.
For what it's worth, Berilo, your painful encounter with a BPDer has given you a knowledge of human frailty and emotional core damage that you could not have learned in four or five college psych courses. You therefore will walk away with a basic understanding of human nature that few men ever achieve in a lifetime.
Significantly, I am not saying that such knowledge is actually worth the great emotional price you are paying for it. I am saying, however, that you are leaving with extremely valuable insights into human motivation -- a knowledge that you can use the rest of your life to help others who are going down this same path. And, some day, that group may even include your own son or daughter. If so, I am hopeful they will have the presence of mind to listen to you.
For what it's worth, Berilo, your painful encounter with a BPDer has given you a knowledge of human frailty and emotional core damage that you could not have learned in four or five college psych courses. You therefore will walk away with a basic understanding of human nature that few men ever achieve in a lifetime.
Significantly, I am not saying that such knowledge is actually worth the great emotional price you are paying for it. I am saying, however, that you are leaving with extremely valuable insights into human motivation -- a knowledge that you can use the rest of your life to help others who are going down this same path. And, some day, that group may even include your own son or daughter. If so, I am hopeful they will have the presence of mind to listen to you.
Thanks, Uptown. Yes, when one learns the hard way, one sure learns well! I hope this painful episode doesn't make me too gun-shy in future relationships. But next time I see "red flags", I will certainly plot them much more carefully!!
The latest news is that I think she is starting to freak out.
She tried during the last few days of the week to "smother" me with love and positive vibes. She called me and sent me messages frequently, tell me how wonderful I am. She even got a woman friend of hers to call me to tell me how wonderful my wife thinks I am. (Like, WTF ?????)
I wasn't having any of it outside of business hours and topics, so I shut down yesterday at 17:00 and went "dark". She immediately freaked out. I just got an email from her saying that I must have a girlfriend because I shut down. I am not responding.
She is completely ignoring the fact of separation and my declarations of divorce. She seems to think she can smooth over everything with offers of a few big hugs, compliments, dinner and wild sex. I am not biting.
I hope she doesn't go nuclear when I give her the papers, and am using the time to sort things out for me, prepare for the worst.
I am so proud of you for standing firm and sticking with your plan! You deserve so much better and someday you will look back and say "WHY did I stay as long as I did" ....Hang in there!!
I hope she doesn't go nuclear when I give her the papers, and am using the time to sort things out for me, prepare for the worst.
Yes, absolutely, prepare for the worst. Divorcing a BPDer gets ugly very quickly. And, because a BPDer is unstable, her behavior can change radically from week to week. As you know, my separation from my exW began with her having me thrown in jail on a bogus charge. So far, you have been fortunate to escape that fate. I would not surprised to learn that a third of the men put into jail for "abusing their wives" are partners of BPDers.
This is all just too weird for me. I have never experienced anything like this.
I am trying to break away, and will, but the way she is acting is complicating things. It is mystifying, actually. (Well not if she is BPD, as Uptown and others have mentioned many times.) She blows hot and cold, distant and then too close. When I go dark and shut off the phones for the weekend, she sends me emails accusing me of being with another woman.
I say, I wasn't, but what does it matter anyway, since we've broken up! She doesn't respond to that.
She seems to think I am still available for her to kick around. She then tries to love-bomb me, smother me with expressions of love and affection, saying how I am the greatest guy in the world.
Yesterday, she showed up uninvited at my office for lunch. I was shocked, was worried about making a scene, so I went down to the café around the corner with her. She acted completely normal, as if THIS WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED! She was talking about our house renovation, vacation plans, my family.
She has never apologized for any of this, even to express real regret. I have told her a dozen times that I cannot live with three people in the marriage and that I am out. She doesn't really respond to this, just gets dismissive. Once again, she has zero empathy for me. It's all about her and how she is responding and seeing the situation.
Question: I received an expression of interest from a nice single woman I have known (not well) for a while. She saw at an event I was at last week that I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, seemed down, and asked if something was amiss. (I guess women really watch for this stuff!) She asked me out for a drink next week.
I don't want to get involved with anyone right now -- I don't have the emotional bandwidth-- but I would really enjoy a normal, light date. Is this ok?
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Re: Distressed 
