Berilo, I agree with Pidge. At this critical point, when you are trying to steel your resolve to stay away from your W, some things are "okay" that normally are not. For example, a little self-righteous anger is now your friend. I would encourage you to hold onto that anger, which usually is a necessary crutch for caregivers like us. Use it to help you walk away, and stay away, from the toxic relationship that you and your W had created together. Then, perhaps a year or two from now -- when you are safely away -- toss aside that crutch because it otherwise will just eat away at you -- and because the toxicity is not something SHE did to you but, rather, something you BOTH did to each other.
Hence, although the last thing you need now during the healing process is to start another relationship, going on a date could make it easier for you to enforce your personal boundaries and stay away from your stbEXw. If so, the date -- like the anger -- may be a good thing. Only you can decide whether that action is prudent.
I don't see anything wrong with the "light date" with her. You are resolved to D your W anyway. Just be careful not to fall for her too deep too fast. During the breakup or right after, BH often makes mistake of rushing to commit to the next relationship with a wrong partner. Also, you are not emotionally balanced right now for another serious relationship so soon. Like another poster said, take it slow.
During the breakup or right after, BH often makes mistake of rushing to commit to the next relationship with a wrong partner. Also, you are not emotionally balanced right now for another serious relationship so soon.
Thanks for the good advice. Fortunately, there is zero chance I will dive head-first into another relationship very soon. (I know myself well enough for that one.) I was thinking more in terms of complicating my current exit somehow -- like maybe my wife targeting the new "light date". And also not being available for the new date if we develop some nice chemistry -- I wouldn't want to be unfair to her, but maybe I am over thinking this!
Thanks for the good advice. Fortunately, there is zero chance I will dive head-first into another relationship very soon. (I know myself well enough for that one.) I was thinking more in terms of complicating my current exit somehow -- like maybe my wife targeting the new "light date". And also not being available for the new date if we develop some nice chemistry -- I wouldn't want to be unfair to her, but maybe I am over thinking this!
I would be very worried about your wife targeting her. She might decide to make that poor woman's life hell.
I am feeling really awful today. It is the weekend, which should be prime couple/family time, and I am alone.
My wife called me all week. I talked with her for 30 minutes yesterday (about nothing really, she had the day off, and was in a shop and wanted to get me a present). I said quite firmly that I don't need a present, thanks, and have to get back to work (which was true). She went ballistic at that moment -- she split me from "white" to "black" in five seconds. I had to do a quick good-bye and hang up.
I have shut down all phones this weekend.
This is torture. I am dealing with my own hurt and loneliness, punctuated daily with emotional surprises from an erratic clingy/aggressive stbExW.
She pretends not to understand why I want a divorce (that heavy OM stuff never really happened apparently ... ), and tries to smother me with love and "normalcy". And then the switch gets flipped, and she tells me how cold I am and how I obviously need therapy about that, etc.. Then I don't hear from her at all for 2 or 3 days, when the switch gets flipped back to "on".
I have never felt so emotionally abused in my life.
I will snap out of this, I will move on, I know, but I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.
I am feeling really awful today. It is the weekend, which should be prime couple/family time, and I am alone.
My wife called me all week. I talked with her for 30 minutes yesterday (about nothing really, she had the day off, and was in a shop and wanted to get me a present). I said quite firmly that I don't need a present, thanks, and have to get back to work (which was true). She went ballistic at that moment -- she split me from "white" to "black" in five seconds. I had to do a quick good-bye and hang up.
I have shut down all phones this weekend.
This is torture. I am dealing with my own hurt and loneliness, punctuated daily with emotional surprises from an erratic clingy/aggressive stbExW.
She pretends not to understand why I want a divorce (that heavy OM stuff never really happened apparently ... ), and tries to smother me with love and "normalcy". And then the switch gets flipped, and she tells me how cold I am and how I obviously need therapy about that, etc.. Then I don't hear from her at all for 2 or 3 days, when the switch gets flipped back to "on".
I have never felt so emotionally abused in my life.
I will snap out of this, I will move on, I know, but I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.
- B
Oh I know. Got to hear for years how cold and distant I was and how I needed help. Catch 22 man. How dare you feel something other than what she wants? She can only abuse you if you let her, she knows that this is the end game so all guns will be emptied. You are doing fine.
Wow, she reminds me of my ex. The woman I dated after D had some disturbing traits. Her interaction with her social network seemed always very exaggerated and enacted, and I noticed the lack of empathy often. She did not seem to even engage fully with her kids as she was more like just following the routines out of sense of duty. Not whole lot of emotions there. She also never apologized for anything. When she was found at fault, she would either change the subject or try to deflect. She would also get very violent when she did not get her way. For example, I used to cohabitate, but I just couldn't take it anymore and tried to leave a few times. Everytime, I tried, she would go balistic trying to snatch the car key out of my hand, out of the ignition, try to wrestle me back into the house. At one point, she even threatened with a kitchen knife that she would use it to kill me and herself.
After seeing your posts, I now begin to suspect she may have BPD. Good riddance that I finally left her.
Wow, she reminds me of my ex. The woman I dated after D had some disturbing traits. Her interaction with her social network seemed always very exaggerated and enacted, and I noticed the lack of empathy often. She did not seem to even engage fully with her kids as she was more like just following the routines out of sense of duty. Not whole lot of emotions there. She also never apologized for anything. When she was found at fault, she would either change the subject or try to deflect. She would also get very violent when she did not get her way. For example, I used to cohabitate, but I just couldn't take it anymore and tried to leave a few times. Everytime, I tried, she would go balistic trying to snatch the car key out of my hand, out of the ignition, try to wrestle me back into the house. At one point, she even threatened with a kitchen knife that she would use it to kill me and herself.
After seeing your posts, I now begin to suspect she may have BPD. Good riddance that I finally left her.
While I'm not making excuses for anyone's behavior, those of us that are BPD sure as Hell didn't choose it. That said, it takes a LOT of work to overcome "natural" impulses. I can and do empathize what you had to go through. Posted via Mobile Device
While I'm not making excuses for anyone's behavior, those of us that are BPD sure as Hell didn't choose it. That said, it takes a LOT of work to overcome "natural" impulses. I can and do empathize what you had to go through. Posted via Mobile Device
Temporary thread jack. Apologies to OP
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pidge,
Just like there are different types of alcoholics, are there different types of BPD people? I ask because you and AlmostRecovered seem to a very self aware BPD people while Berilo's stbxw is the total opposite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Temporary thread jack. Apologies to OP
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pidge,
Just like there are different types of alcoholics, are there different types of BPD people? I ask because you and AlmostRecovered seem to a very self aware BPD people while Berilo's stbxw is the total opposite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
There are those of us that are "self-aware" and others that are not. There are also "high-functioning" BPD'ers and others not so much. It truly is a horrible thing for "nons" to deal with. I always thought the way I acted was "normal" till I hit rock bottom. Posted via Mobile Device
4Likes
Re: Distressed 
