Distressed - Page 23 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #331 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-17-2012, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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Originally Posted by Uptown View Post
In this case, you saw it last about an hour. That's the way it is with emotionally unstable people. My advice, then, is to not go out of your way to deliberately provoke her but, aside from that, it really doesn't matter -- at all -- if you get any "soft focus" moments on the very last visit. Sad, I know, but it is what it is.
Uptown,

You are right that there is no point in me expecting anything to be different than it has been. I guess I am still just craving some emotional resolution for myself while trying to make the practical exit as easy as possible for both of us. But as you and others have told me, and I tell myself, I need to move on and let this ragged chapter in my life fade away at its own irregular pace ...

- B

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post #332 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-17-2012, 11:00 AM
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Re: Distressed

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Unfortunately, I have little confidence that my wife has the conscience to "come clean" with my mere triangulation of curious facts, "coincidences", etc. She will almost certainly tell me I am imagining things, I am jealous, I am blowing it out of proportion, etc. And I don't think a general, sincere declaration from me of "I love you, let's work on our marriage" will stop this train.
Yeah, cheaters use the same arguments when they get defensive.
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post #333 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-17-2012, 05:06 PM
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Re: Distressed

man you are such a girl, sure you don't want to rock the boat, but dude I have never seen as much enabling as I've seen between you and uptown and your STBXW. I will say this, with all admiration though, you truly are in touch with your fem side. so plz try to connect with your inner male before you get into another relationship. and when you talked about the 180 not working, that's bc you was looking for it to work on her, and that is not what it's for. it's to get the OP to detach an focus on themselves. I'm sorry if I offended you, but if you go back and read this stuff, you will see why I said it. In a aside, I TRULY wish you the BEST. REALLY YOU DESERVE IT !!!
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post #334 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-17-2012, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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man you are such a girl, sure you don't want to rock the boat, but dude I have never seen as much enabling as I've seen between you and uptown and your STBXW. I will say this, with all admiration though, you truly are in touch with your fem side. so plz try to connect with your inner male before you get into another relationship. and when you talked about the 180 not working, that's bc you was looking for it to work on her, and that is not what it's for. it's to get the OP to detach an focus on themselves. I'm sorry if I offended you, but if you go back and read this stuff, you will see why I said it. In a aside, I TRULY wish you the BEST. REALLY YOU DESERVE IT !!!
Thank you for the views, OldWolf, and the good wishes. No offence taken. I welcome hearing many viewpoints, and make up my own mind on what I can take from any of them.

Whatever the characteristics of the approach I took, it has worked for me. It hasn't been easy, but it got me to where I wanted to be, with what I think is the least collateral damage. You might call that "girly" -- I call it smart.

To use a macho military analogy that might better suit what appears to be your style, in the words of the famous late British military strategist Sir Basil Liddell Hart: "In strategy, the longest way round can often be the shortest way home."

And the decidedly unfeminine Sun Tzu, in his classic "The Art of War", had numerous similar wise maxims to offer on the potentially decisive value of observation, preparation, and stealth with focus and purpose.

Best wishes to you as well.
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post #335 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-17-2012, 07:11 PM
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Re: Distressed

I been thinking about your post all day. I think its funny that she said you are a poor communicator. From your posts it seems like you are very articulate. She probably means that you fail her manipulation and dont fall into her bizaro world arguements. Do you think she flipped out on you on the later phone call because she was reflecting on the previous conversations that day and was frustrated that she wasnt getting the reaction she wanted.

Do you think any guy will stick around very long once they see the bizarro woman a time or two.

Calm seas and following winds.
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post #336 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-17-2012, 10:24 PM
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Re: Distressed

I stand corrected Berilo. you are well read, I guess I just got caughtup in how much you kept letting her hurt you, after you identified her mental instability. I just wanted your pain to go away.
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post #337 of 338 (permalink) Old 04-18-2012, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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I been thinking about your post all day. I think its funny that she said you are a poor communicator. From your posts it seems like you are very articulate. She probably means that you fail her manipulation and dont fall into her bizaro world arguements. Do you think she flipped out on you on the later phone call because she was reflecting on the previous conversations that day and was frustrated that she wasnt getting the reaction she wanted.

Do you think any guy will stick around very long once they see the bizarro woman a time or two.

Calm seas and following winds.
Thank you very much, BambooScot.

I think her allegation that I "don't communicate", "can't talk", etc., is really a combination of things: 1) as you say, it's because I didn't fall for her manipulation any more -- the buttons she would press just wouldn't work, which frustrated her no end; 2) call me a guy (pace OldWolf), but I dislike faux emotion, the display or provocation of positive or negative emotion from anyone over age 13 that is significantly disproportionate to any reasonable and sympathetic interpretation of what is really going on. I just don't react much in these situations; 3) she was so needy, requiring constant attention (like calling me during business meetings just to chat) -- I often didn't pick up; and 4) since many conversations weren't that, they just devolved into a unilateral arraignment of my supposed infractions or shortcomings, I just entered a plea of "no contest" and got up to fetch myself a coffee or glass of wine.

I think she flipped out on the second phone call because, as I believe Uptown will confirm, people with this kind of disorder cannot sustain "normal", balanced, warm feelings about their partner for very long. I think she started to feel either "engulfed" by a very nice moment (kind of like the "good days") which threatened her, so she had to push back; OR my conduct didn't follow her negative mental "script" of who I am, so she had to create a situation where I could be force-fit back into my role as the bad guy. This is a rinse cycle I have been immersed in too many times.

And I agree that my "lucky" successors probably won't last even as long as I did: they will surely flee when they open the gorgeous matryoshka doll two or three sets and see the revealed bizarro woman glaring at them. I had to laugh during our last coffee session. She was at the café early and was on a very involved conversation when I arrived. I caught some fragments of the conversation when I first sat down and then got the coffee. I pretended to work on my laptop for a few minutes, suppressing a wry chortle all the while, to see what I could learn. She was working someone over for some perceived shortcoming or slight, and it did not at all sound like a colleague. And it was delivered in that intimate tone that I know she never uses on casual friends or colleagues (she is the very picture of even sweetness in those). The clincher was that she got up and went outside for a minute, no doubt to deliver the punch-lines to the poor bugger. When she returned, she began to stammer an explanation. I just smiled and said, "hey, no problem, this gave me a good chance to check out the stock market -- did you see what Apple is doing today?"

Last edited by Berilo; 04-18-2012 at 10:01 AM.
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post #338 of 338 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:04 AM
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Re: Distressed

Zombie thread.

Zombie dog calls for it to be closed before he finishes the windows.


http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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